Sitting on the fence with this.

[Whattodo1209]

So, long story short ive been in a dysfunctional relationship for almost 5 years, we broke up about 2 weeks ago but we still live on the same apartment, im 26 years old, male, shes 23. 2 kids, 4 and 2. Theres been abuse, both sides but that was mostly early on, still some verbal from both of us when we get super stressed, but we always talk that out.

Anyway the big thing i need help with is the fact that she cheated on me, not with just one person, but 4 different people (that i know of) one of them being early in the relationship (a few months in, which took me about a year and a half to get over completely) the second i found about about 6 months ago she had been sleeping with, what i thought was, a good friend of mine, off and on for a year. Cut that friend off went into a major up and down depression didn't trust her or anyone for a while, then september just as a little bit of that trust was slowly coming back she admitted to cheating on me with another friend, nothing physical this time but only because he lives states away but we were going to move down there because he had an amazing job offer for me, they had been sending pictures and talking about starting a relationship with each other, her leaving me and him leaving his wife, once we got down there. After that it all went down hill. She stopped talking to him for a while as did i, she started talking to him again we sat down talked about it, it was purely friendship this time around, ive been keeping tabs. Then a few nights before we broke up a friend of hers thats in the military was in town for a few nights she hung put with him 2 nights in a row and come to find out she slept with him both nights. So thats the short of it.

After all that we broke up, shes not happy with me, shes unfaithful whatever, i do everything i can for her and have sacrificed friends, a social life, everything pretty much outside of work her and the kids, for her. So i was planning on moving out of state (from illinois to colorado) because i have no friends or family here and cant afford an apartment on my own, when i told her she freaked out and started apologizing and wanting to try and work things out and whatever, she found an apartment near where we live and told me shed take out a loan to help pay the deposit and first months rent for me, i agreed so i wouldn't have tp leave my kids behind, I had asked her if there was anyone else that shes been talking to and she needs to be completely honest from here on out if things are going to even partly work things out, she said no which i found was a lie after snooping on her fb and finding a conversation with one of her exes, the original guy she first cheated on me with, about all the things she wanted to do to him and how she needed to be screwed by him. Confronted her and she lied at first but after a while admitted to it. But whatever, basically to me that says shes not going to change, but shes doing things to try and make me feel better mostly buying me stuff, which i feel is just her manipulating me.

My problem here is i dont have anywhere to go other then out of state, but if i do that i'll just be another one of those 'deadbeat' dads who run away because things got too hard, but if i stay and try to work things out im just going to get played again i already know it. And if by some miracle i find an apartment i can afford on my own she'll still have control over me, she's like my one weakness and i cant refuse when she wants something. What should i do, i honestly think the best thing to do for myself is to move to CO and save myself more pain, because im not sure how much more i can take before it all drives me to full asshole status, and its not good for my children (yes they are both mine, got dna testing done on both because we were involved with dcfs for like 2 years.) to watch me go through this and for them to hear us fighting about it all. But if i leave then im the bad guy and will probably never see my kids again at least not for a few years.

[pcmaster]

Man better leave now. Its not going any better and you see how you have changed in past years. To live a full life you need confidence too. Btw I never understood how it can be okay to cheat on your partner if he cheat too. But now I do. I think you have earned rights to cheat now. If you continue this way you might lose respect even from your kids. Better break up and try to get one kid to yourself in court. You havent cheated so advantage is in your side.

She want to keeps you because expects you be a father/provider in the future. She was too young when started to hang out with ya and looks like she got away easy with all she did. Thats why shes still immature and cant be in serious relationship.

Also you have to talk about this with someone. Counselour or call a trust phone. Doesnt matter but you cant be alone with alll this on your chest. You will do a favour to yourself by leaving. Imagine your son in this sittuation. You would want him to leave. Love yourself the same way. You deserve better. Once you leave and get some confidence back you would wish you did this years ago.

In this sittuation (like often in life) to get something you have to lose something. Choose what to win or lose. You cant have everything. Same with your kids. The cant have both parents anymore. This fighting will just damage them as kids naturaly think its their fault that parrents fighting. Its too late now but with chicks like this condom should be used lol.

Just remember that most importand person are you and no one will take care of you except yourself. I truly believe that you will go nuts if you stay. Theres no other option. Even if you get professional help it would be hard to be there. Its just you been so long in it and and wanted the best but things went only worse. Maybe because you never realy took care of yourself or loved yourself enought. Want extreme results do extreme things.

Sometimes you have to fck all world and live for yourself. Quit battle and come back stronger than ever.

Check this out ^_-

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup

[michelle23]

She cheated a few months in which took you a year and a half to get over but you stayed and waited for her to cheat 3 more times, not to mention having two kids with her and abusing each other ALL the time in front of them.

God its very sad that theres people like you who have so little self worth, you choose to stay with a toxic person in a toxic relationship for so long knowing its not good for you.

You need counselling to figure out why you have put yourself through all of this. You could have walked away years ago and look at all the pain and heartache you have endured.

Enough is enough now, you need to dump this awful woman once and for awhile but dont run away coz life is hard. You still hsve committments snd responsibilities. Your kids love you and they need you. You cant just abandon them to get away from her

I know you feel overwhelmed right now. I lost my job recently and the thought of running away and starting a new life somewhere is appealing BUT im gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and i wont stop until i find something so i can stay here with all the people i love.

This is a fresh start. You can get a flatmate, work towards a promotion, go back and study, make new friends. You can do it and be a great dad at the same time. Dont give up. Stay strong for your babies. Your their role model

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[Boisdevie]

Leave.
Get yourself sorted out - wherever in the USA works for you is best.
Get couselling to work out why you put up with this crap.
Pay for your children and spend time with them when you can.

[Whattodo1209]

PC-i disagree with the cheating thong, it is never ok in my eyes, i wouldnt do that ever, i feel bad even looking at other women.

Michelle-i dont want to abandon my children but ive been searching for weeks now and there arent any viable options in town for me, even roommates unless i want to live 15+ miles from my job and not having a car makes that difficult, also dont have a license (long story not getting into now) so buying a car isnt an option, it seems to me the only way to get away from her is to move back to my moms in colorado, temporarily, until i get on my feet there i also have friends who are willing to house me there too on a more permanent basis. I hate to think of being so far away but its either that or put up with her playing me and lying to me.

Bois-ive been through counseling, i already know why i put up with it, i love her to death, but i also have attachement issues, though the counseling was before the recent cheating i know ill need it again to get over. Trust issues.


Really to me it seems the best course of action is to move back to my home town pay child support visit whenever possible and pray when our kids get older they understand why i did what i did, mind you i wont degrade her to them but i will be honest. She is a good person in heart but just like me she has issues that she needs to work on. Right now im honestly thinking of moving to colorado, going to school, reconnecting with the friends that always had my back and all my family out there that ive lost touch with in the past years and praying my children dont hate me for my decision.

[Boisdevie]

If you don't fix yourself and your circumstances then you won't be much help to your kids. Fix your life first and then you'll be in a better position financially and psychologically to help your kids. Tackle problems one thing at a time and don't stress too much for the future. One day at a time.

[michelle23]

If thats what you need to do, thats what you need to do but you need to arrange custody before you go. Make a plan and stick with it. When my dad first set up his own business, he had to travel sometimes and he always made sure to ring each night when he was away. He was only gone temporarily for 2nights max at a time but you need to make sure you make that same effort permanently.

You also gotta decide how often you will come to see them

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[smackie9]

Children at any age are very perceptive to their environment and do see what is going on with this train wreck of a relationship. You are not doing these kids any favors if this continues. Instead of worrying about this and that, just get your shit together, even if it means leaving the state to have a better life. You can skype with your kids while you are away, and visit when you can. Your kids would benefit greatly seeing two parent living separately happily rather than being together miserably.

[michelle23]

One qs? Is she a good mum?

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