Expectations from a girlfriend?

[MMX]

9 years older than you?! No wonder she thinks you're a kid she can treat as she pleases. I'm against big age-gap relationships precisely for this reason... the older person will always see the younger one as a kid, and the younger person will always see the older one as an "adult".

(By "big age gap" I mean age differences that are significant compared to the persons' ages. For example, a 9-years gap isn't big if both persons are above, say, 30, but it is huge if the younger person is younger than, say, 25.)

When have I ever said she thinks I'm a kid? Sure age maybe a factor but if you are on the same wavelength with someone, it isn't that much of an issue. Seeing we both get along really well and we have very similar interest in all types of areas. Moreover, its been me throughout the whole relationship who has been dictating everything. She says I quote "I like it when you talk all relationshipy " meaning she probably likes the fact that I lead the relationship and discuss things about how it should work.

I did end up explaining to her and talking to her later on after messaging again. She listened and heard me out but I said I want to see her tonight. I might see her tonight but it will be the ultimatum I'll be giving her eventually. Sounds like the more I discuss things with her and on what everyone is saying on here, the more I feel contemplated to leave her. I have much to lose but very little to gain if I remain with her afterwards (that is only if she can't see my perspective of things).

[searock]

I take it you didn't tell her straight away why you were upset.

Rule of thumb for the future (wether with her or with someone else): if something upsets you, talk about it as soon as possible. People aren't mind readers.

Anyway, I agree that the best thing to do now is to see her in person and tell her everything you've told us. If she doesn't seem intentioned to change things, then really it's best if you walk away. Keep us updated :-).

[MMX]

I take it you didn't tell her straight away why you were upset.

Rule of thumb for the future (wether with her or with someone else): if something upsets you, talk about it as soon as possible. People aren't mind readers.

Anyway, I agree that the best thing to do now is to see her in person and tell her everything you've told us. If she doesn't seem intentioned to change things, then really it's best if you walk away. Keep us updated :-).

I didn't tell her exactly why I was upset. I didn't want to bring up the b'day wish issue on its own but use it as an example to pave that path in getting her to understand where I'm coming from. If I just straight out told her that I'm upset at you because you didn't wish me happy birthday blah blah blah, it will seem as if thats the only issue I'm addressing here but I want to reflect on other things as well including the lack of affection and openness from her.

I can tell that she is still upset, although we talked about it for awhile last night & I had explained my actions to her through text and why I reacted like that and so on. However, I didn't explicitly say that I was upset for this and that & said I would discuss it with her in person. As much it bothers me, I think I'm trying to be the nice one here and have a relaxing conversation with her whilst she is the one whose blown a fuse. If she doesn't talk to me calmly when I see her, I don't even know if I plan on sticking around long enough to even finish what I want to say to her. There is a fine line between being upset and being a complete bitch. I acknowledged my faults and said I shouldn't have said "I'm done with you" & that I'm willing to work things out. However, if she plans on acting like a brat & keep staying mad at me (when I know I'm not mad at her any more since I've cooled down), regardless of her age, she isn't mature enough to be with me. Every relationship has faults and arguments and its about having a conversation and working things out sensibly rather than just bitch about it. I want to believe that if I do what I am to do and that is clearly explain to her why I was upset and how much I appreciate and like her and get no reciprocation, I can happily think that I was the bigger person here & I tried giving her that chance. We all do things we regret.

[basilandthyme]

You say that she's acting like a brat..but I think she's got good reason to be mad at you. To be honest, I'd be finding your behaviour infuriating if I was your girlfriend. Telling someone that there's an issue but refusing to discuss it till later is rude. If you're not able to discuss the issue then and there, don't raise the issue in the first place.

Yes, I understand that you apologised for sending the "I'm done with you text" but an apology doesn't undo what you did. Combining the text with your current refusal to talk about things until you see her....yep, her behaviour makes perfect sense to me.

That's not to say that your concerns about the relationship aren't legitimate - I too would be pissed off if there was no acknowledgement of my birthday. But if you want to move forward, I think it's important that you also understand how your behaviour effects her. It's gotta work both ways.

[MMX]

You say that she's acting like a brat..but I think she's got good reason to be mad at you. To be honest, I'd be finding your behaviour infuriating if I was your girlfriend. Telling someone that there's an issue but refusing to discuss it till later is rude. If you're not able to discuss the issue then and there, don't raise the issue in the first place.

Yes, I understand that you apologised for sending the "I'm done with you text" but an apology doesn't undo what you did. Combining the text with your current refusal to talk about things until you see her....yep, her behaviour makes perfect sense to me.

That's not to say that your concerns about the relationship aren't legitimate - I too would be pissed off if there was no acknowledgement of my birthday. But if you want to move forward, I think it's important that you also understand how your behaviour effects her. It's gotta work both ways.

So now you are having a go at me? Am I supposed to act as if everything is fine & not be mad any more?
You don't understand what I am saying do you? Being upset as opposed to just not cooperating are two different things. I'm the one who is in the tough predicament considering its been a series of challenging obstacles that I have to go through just to convince myself to keep being with her and you feel as if her behaviour is justified by my actions (of 1 small event). I didn't say she shouldn't be mad or whatever but there should be a limit to keeping your emotions intact as opposed to be logical and thinking sensibly. I am trying to patch things and have a discussion with her and what kinda partner would refuse to do that & justify their urge to be more upset over the person than care about fixing the problem to begin with?

I have every right to say what I feel but that doesn't make me any less of a good person if I can acknowledge my mistakes and work on fixing them. I wasn't rude to her either so if your definition of rude is "preventing a huge argument on text" then we are on 2 different pages. Yes I said "I think I'm done with you" but I did say that's how I felt at the time & that I would explain it more clearly over a normal discussion and not by me fighting with her on text. Moreover over I did kinda apologize about it. I would assume that an ideal parter would comply to that request and make that happen than hold it off. Unless I'm in a completely different world where its right to be mad or whatever and just not want to work things out. I get that I should have not mentioned it at all but then again why would I even be here if I wasn't in such a predicament to begin with? I could have just been frustrated for the next 3 days not replying to a single text. I think that seems just as bad. Its not the thought of her not acknowledging my birthday but also the prolonged lack of reciprocity too that just annoyed me all up. Yes I made a mistake and yes I acted out but I am human after all & being annoyed at something and just expressing a feeling to let yourself vent shouldn't make you a bad person. We all make mistakes, I made one and she made plenty by not doing many things throughout. You do the math.

I also don't know under what condition people talk about serious things like this in texts. Chances are if I did continue talking to her and explaining things to her I would have most likely said more unnecessary things which would have inevitably resulted in a fight to a break up. You are trying to advice me on discussing an important matter through text in a frustrated mood when I have no idea what to say to her? I wouldn't be on here if I actually already knew how to react and handle this myself.

With that being said, I do see her side of things and that's why I spoke to her on text last night in a calm cool manner and explained as much as I could and apologize.

[basilandthyme]

I'm not having a go at you. I'm just saying that she's not the only one who needs to consider how their behaviour is effecting the other.

You've left her hanging, not knowing why you're upset at her...and this is unfair to her. Yes, I understand that you (sensibly) don't want to have a text war, but how about calling her? Yes, I know a phone call is a terribly old fashioned concept, but it sure beats the hell out of making her wait in limbo, not knowing what she's done wrong and knowing that she can't find out till you tell her in person.

Again, I understand why you are upset at her and I think you have good reason, but I think your approach of making her wait for a conversation is making things worse.

[MMX]

I'm not having a go at you. I'm just saying that she's not the only one who needs to consider how their behaviour is effecting the other.

You've left her hanging, not knowing why you're upset at her...and this is unfair to her. Yes, I understand that you (sensibly) don't want to have a text war, but how about calling her? Yes, I know a phone call is a terribly old fashioned concept, but it sure beats the hell out of making her wait in limbo, not knowing what she's done wrong and knowing that she can't find out till you tell her in person.

Again, I understand why you are upset at her and I think you have good reason, but I think your approach of making her wait for a conversation is making things worse.

I think I mentioned earlier that talking to her on phone isn't a good option since we've actually never talked on phone and all it will do is build tension and awkwardness to have our first ever phone conversation about this kinda matter. She isn't fond of phone communication any ways.

Turns out she got caught up at work & I'm not seeing her tonight. I don't much to say to her any more & its now her turn to make time for me. I can't really do more than that as I've already tried my best.

[TablesandChairs]

All you can do is talk about it. State things clearly and ask her outright questions. a) do you want to be in this relationship? b) why don't you make even the smallest efforts? c) is the age gap an issue? It sounds like she's treating you as an after-thought...which would be okay if it was a casual, no strings attached relationship...but you've clearly invested emotionally so she should either be in or be out and be fair to you.

She's significantly older so on first impressions, I'd be inclined to think she's not taking things seriously because you're only 24...

[basilandthyme]

Holy shit...you've never talked on the phone!! I'm clearly too old to be advising you.

[MMX]

All you can do is talk about it. State things clearly and ask her outright questions. a) do you want to be in this relationship? b) why don't you make even the smallest efforts? c) is the age gap an issue? It sounds like she's treating you as an after-thought...which would be okay if it was a casual, no strings attached relationship...but you've clearly invested emotionally so she should either be in or be out and be fair to you.

She's significantly older so on first impressions, I'd be inclined to think she's not taking things seriously because you're only 24...

That is exactly what I plan to do but it really isn't something I can just do over text so right now there is nothing I can do but just wait till I see her. It will be an ultimatum in the end if she can or can't provide what is necessary for me. When I do ask her those question I will assure her that me myself will also try my best to do what I can do to meet her needs and expectations as well as it is fair to do that in a relationship. I aim to make it as easy and simple for her as possible, that's the best I can do. However for that to happen she needs to communicate that with me.

The age isn't an issue. She knows about that. She even told me how she's done with "dating" and wants to settle down and have kids. We've discussed this way before even starting to date that we both on developing this relationship into a healthy long term one. I think if she didn't accept my age and accept my intentions with her, we wouldn't even have been together at all. Oddly enough awhile ago we even had this conversation about kids and stuff and her take on what is her deal breaker for a relationship and this the partner not wanting to have kids. She even went far enough to say that if I did get her pregnant she would keep the kid and we'd have a further discussion on how to tackle things. The age doesn't even come into play at all and I think me and her were both thinking a bit far ahead either way but she knew that I could possibly give her what she was seeking.

[searock]

She's significantly older so on first impressions, I'd be inclined to think she's not taking things seriously because you're only 24...

Yep, agreed. She sees him as a kid.

Holy shit...you've never talked on the phone!! I'm clearly too old to be advising you.

I'm his age, my boyfriend and I also dislike talking on the phone, yet when we've had long-distance arguments (not that we've had many, but a few at the beginning), we would call each other straight away. Arguing via text is only going to make things worse, even for phone-phobic persons like many of our generation.

OP, I can't believe you really don't see your mistake. You told her you were very upset and angry, and you refused to even tell her the damn reason. You just frustrated the hell out of her and didn't even bother to give her an explanation... basically you acted like an immature teenager who throws a tantrum and then shuts himself in his room. You need to grow up a bit. Lean how to communicate effectively.

If she doesn't want to see you, it probably means she doesn't want to deal with your drama - because she probably doesn't take you seriously. I think you should really be the bigger person here and call her, tell her you need to talk to her in person, meet up with her and tell her EVERYTHING you've told us here. Remember to not be passive-aggressive.

[MMX]

Yep, agreed. She sees him as a kid.



I'm his age, my boyfriend and I also dislike talking on the phone, yet when we've had long-distance arguments (not that we've had many, but a few at the beginning), we would call each other straight away. Arguing via text is only going to make things worse, even for phone-phobic persons like many of our generation.

OP, I can't believe you really don't see your mistake. You told her you were very upset and angry, and you refused to even tell her the damn reason. You just frustrated the hell out of her and didn't even bother to give her an explanation... basically you acted like an immature teenager who throws a tantrum and then shuts himself in his room. You need to grow up a bit. Lean how to communicate effectively.

If she doesn't want to see you, it probably means she doesn't want to deal with your drama - because she probably doesn't take you seriously. I think you should really be the bigger person here and call her, tell her you need to talk to her in person, meet up with her and tell her EVERYTHING you've told us here. Remember to not be passive-aggressive.

Please refrain yourself from mentioning the age over and over again and calling me a kid & telling me to grow up. I came here to seek help, not to be judged and bashed on. I don't want to repeat myself any more. I said I acknowledged my mistakes and am working on fixing those issues.

Any ways, if you have something productive to say, say it in a nice and courteous tone. Obviously you might be 40 or 55 years old and to you everyone is a kid who falls below your age tag. Also, you're telling me to communicate effectively? Have you been following the posts? What got us in this situation to begin with? Her lack of communication and efforts. Then you go onto mentioning she doesn't take me seriously, ONCE AGAIN READ THE POSTS EARLIER. Your opinion is just becoming less meaningful throughout the text. I guess you really have no clue about my relationship with her any ways and you just like making assumptions based on the factors of age. It is a completely bias and unworthy statement to judge by.

[searock]

Saying that you aren't communicating effectively does not mean saying that she is communicating effectively. Anyway, her problem is that she lacks displays of affection; your problem is that you can't communicate effectively. These are not assumptions based on age, these are the things you told us yourself. The age thing is just the explanation.

Next time you get angry and decide to throw a tantrum, remember to at least explain the reason.

Have you set up a time for you to meet, or are you still shut in your room waiting for mommy to come say she's sorry?

[MMX]

Saying that you aren't communicating effectively does not mean saying that she is communicating effectively. Anyway, her problem is that she lacks displays of affection; your problem is that you can't communicate effectively. These are not assumptions based on age, these are the things you told us yourself. The age thing is just the explanation.

Next time you get angry and decide to throw a tantrum, remember to at least explain the reason.

Have you set up a time for you to meet, or are you still shut in your room waiting for mommy to come say she's sorry?

Well wow you read up, didn't you?
What was up with all the criticism about age and me being a kid then? What's that got to do with affection and communication?
Also, how about say something meaningful and something I don't already know? I think you've run out of giving me any useful input so maybe just not post any more?

Thanks for your initial advice, I've taken it and I'll remember it but now you're just getting annoying. Once again, if you have something "productive" to say, say it in a polite tone and not make a mockery out of it. For a person who calls me an immature teen who throws tantrum, you don't know all to well how to communicate yourself. I'm not going to stoop as low as to making jokes about you. I have no need for that.

[MMX]

UPDATE: we've started talking again normally. We've agreed to set this aside for now and just let it be till we have the talk in person. She told me how her trip went and shared photos with me and talked for a few hours. At least that tense pressure and awkwardness should be temporarily gone for now. I will provide further updates if things evolve in the time to come.
Thanks to everyone who participated in this thread. I appreciate everyone's input. It really helped to talk to you all & gain more clarity in how to handle in this situation and how to prevent it from occurring again.