Called the Police

[Wakeup]

She grew up in a dysfunctional family and was raped three times, including once by her stepdad.

Read the links. She needs psychological help. You cannot help her. You cannot function emotionally normally when you are micro-managing her life. You are being selfish by staying with her and allowing her to NOT have to address her own shit. People with borderline personality disorder have been traumatized at a young age and their emotional development is stunted. If you join the BPD forums for victims you will see yourself in many of those victims that have had the mis-fortune of falling for a BDP'er. Fk never mind the diagnosis.. just read about it and judge for yourself.

[Wakeup]

but this is not a co-dependent relationship

You don't even understand the meaning of the term "codependency." That statement proves it.

Adding another link so you can read about yourself and how you have weak boundaries, and reactivity, need to control, (while failing at it) the need to caretake ~ along with the rest of it.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

[VincenzoG91]

I think the police getting involved would greatly change the relationship dynamic now, you cannot just ignore what happened and how each of you acted. Can either talk calmly about it, maybe at her place since she seems to like to be very destructive at your place. I wouldn't invite her back to your place anytime soon, meet at hers or better yet in a public place for coffee.

IMO she became enraged at the idea she might fail, but all the reasons she was passing was because of your hard work doing her lessons not even her own, so what right did she have to get enraged at you, you were helping her more than she cared to help herself, she should have only been upset at herself. It sounds very self involved on her part. It is hard to turn off loving someone, especially someone you've loved and invested in so long, maybe write out a pro and cons list and be extremely honest about your relationship and her when writing it. Ask advice of the people who personally know both of you too.

If I were you the, " you just committed assault", comment should be a big red flag on how little she thinks of you, along with the tantrum and selfishness. Did the police write it up as a domestic dispute or left it alone? Take a 2 week break off her and her homework, let her fend for herself for those two weeks and realize the effort you were doing all this time for her.

I agree. Calling the police was a big deal, and the relationship may be permanently changed by that. Neither one of us is ready to talk yet, but when we do, it should be in a public place.

She is frustrated because she might fail the class despite my help, so my help isn't good enough. I'm frustrated because I am spending a lot of time preparing for the tutoring, but she is only working with me on the homework for a few hours each week. As I mentioned in my last post to this thread, her part-time job on campus is taking up too much of her time because she is trying to manage her part-time staff mostly by emails and phone calls throughout the day, mostly when she isn't even in the office getting paid for her time. I agree that her recent attitude seems very self-centered, but from her perspective, I'm this unemployed guy who has a huge amount of free time. It is really hard to stop loving her after all these years, but I am preparing myself for that possibility if this last incident has ruined everything.

There was an ugly incident during the first year of our relationship where I misinterpreted a situation and flipped out, shouting and verbally abusing her. It happened again the same week. Both incidents were a result of poor communication by both of us, but mostly by my trust issues lingering from my previous relationship. She persuaded me to take an anger management class, which turned out to be a very positive experience for me. My ability to manage my anger is very good now, but I do have the occasional lapse of judgment. There were a couple of ugly arguments early this year, and I got the impression that she thought she could teach me a lesson by taunting me into assaulting her so she could call the police on me. I don't know what the police officer said to her, but it was probably something along the lines of "when somebody asks you to leave their home, you need to leave." I also don't know if she mentioned assault to the officer. I doubt it, but maybe she did and they told her that I have the right to throw an unwanted guest out if they won't leave. The police talked to both of us separately, but they didn't write up the incident at all.

The 2-week break sounds like a good idea in this situation. My current thinking is that I won't contact her at all, and just let her decide when she wants to talk to me. She will probably stay out of contact until at least Wednesday, unless she really badly wants my help before her next quantitative exam that day. I can use that time to file the final corporate tax returns and wrap up the collections for the old company, and spend more time networking towards my next job. Two weeks would be more than enough time.

[Wakeup]

She will probably stay out of contact until at least Wednesday, unless she really badly wants my help before her next quantitative exam that day.

You don't see the irony in that statement, Vince?

In otherwords, she won't need me until she needs me and you can stay away from her until you can do for her again, then she'll swallow her pride and use you for what she can get yet again.

I feel bad for you. I hope you "see" soon.

I know you're not ready to hear any of this so ce la vie.

[VincenzoG91]

You don't even understand the meaning of the term "codependency." That statement proves it.

Adding another link so you can read about yourself and how you have weak boundaries, and reactivity, need to control, (while failing at it) the need to caretake ~ along with the rest of it.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

No, that's a bunch of crap that people have added on to the concept. Look at the word. The dependency part of co-dependency refers specifically to people who suffer from an addiction, and the co- part is about the behavior of people who care about them in a way that only enables the addiction. Everything else was tacked on later by people misusing the word. Psychology is a soft science, because a human mind is unique and complex beyond our current ability to measure and define things, and some self-proclaimed experts exploit that softness for the sake of a thesis, a book, and some appearances on Oprah. I have some guilt issues about my own shady past, and my girlfriend has some issues from her own life, but it is completely unhelpful to slap a trendy label on those issues. Our relationship isn't good right now, and that alone may be a good enough reason to end it, but don't waste my time blathering on uselessly about co-dependency.

[pcmaster]

Have to agree with Vince. This are not co dependat relationship. You could say that about every lover. Its easier to forgive when girl is young and beautiful so dont judge the guy so hard.

Anyway I see more like Shining knight syndrome here. Since girl had so big problems in past Vince wana help and save her. This ussualy starts from feeling that you dont have enought to offer her as a man so you want to be hero and rescue her. Feeling that its not enought to be a man cause you dont feel that manly so at least be a Knight with shining armor.

Vince you said that you had adventurous past too. Do you feel if you save her future you would save your past too? Its like if you didnt loved yourself enought back then and now if you love her its gona be alright(Cause what you see in her is young you and love it now). You know back then there was no one to guide you and you did a lot of mistakes. Now you see where this girl are going and you wana make sure she stays on the right way. And if she make it then you will forgive yourself past. Past wouldnt matter anymore cause if this girl is happy you are happy too.

All I can say Vince is put yourself first. You can help someone only to a degree you can help yourself. By being cooler its possible to make more impact rather than trying too hard. Once you are alright it will be easy to make her the same way.

[Wakeup]

No, that's a bunch of crap that people have added on to the concept. Look at the word. The dependency part of co-dependency refers specifically to people who suffer from an addiction, and the co- part is about the behavior of people who care about them in a way that only enables the addiction. Everything else was tacked on later by people misusing the word. Psychology is a soft science, because a human mind is unique and complex beyond our current ability to measure and define things, and some self-proclaimed experts exploit that softness for the sake of a thesis, a book, and some appearances on Oprah. I have some guilt issues about my own shady past, and my girlfriend has some issues from her own life, but it is completely unhelpful to slap a trendy label on those issues. Our relationship isn't good right now, and that alone may be a good enough reason to end it, but don't waste my time blathering on uselessly about co-dependency.

Did you read the link: No it DOES NOT apply to only those with an addiction. It did once way back when, but not anymore. You have all the symptoms, Vince or at least near all of them and thats just by going by your own words and how you live your life with her.

Whether psycology is a "soft science" or not, when the shoe fits...

@ PC. Shining Knight is one symptom of codependency... he displays many more then that one.

Once you are alright it will be easy to make her the same way.

He cannot fix Her. She needs professional help with that.

[VincenzoG91]

I dated an actual alcoholic for a couple of months back in 2000. We worked for the same company, though in different departments, so I saw her around but didn't know her that well. A mutual acquaintance happened to know that we lived in the same part of town, and she had some kind of car issue at the time, so I started giving her rides to and from work and then we just kind of fell into dating.

On the second date, she got falling down drunk. Literally. I got her back to the car and was going to drive her home, but she lived with her mom and didn't want to deal with drama, so we went to my place. The third date, she took me on a tour of her favorite bars. Until that night, I never knew there were bars that specifically catered to alcoholics. Those bars were boring. People just sitting there by themselves, drinking a lot in silence while watching tv or listening to a juke box. She got drunk again.

I broke things off, but she swore she would stop drinking. Our next day was pleasant and sober, but that weekend, she got drunk with friends and fell down and hit her head. No serious damage, but I dumped her when I found out why she missed work on Monday. I'm not a co-dependent.

[Wakeup]

Vince, That story does not prove you are not codependent. The fact you stay with who you do, the fact you micro manager her, the fact that you have poor reactivity (even after anger management courses) the fact you have very poor boundaries, the fact you don't stick up for yourself in actions (words don't count when they are placed on her deaf ears) the fact you have a need to caretake her, the fact you know that you are in a dysfunctional mess with her, vent about it but DO NOTHING to better your own situation, the fact you make excuses for her, the fact that you enable her to be the little girl that she is. Makes you codependent. Read the ****ing link and then lets discuss it because you do not understand what the term even means.

[VincenzoG91]

Wakeup, I read your link. Going point by point:

Low self-esteem: No. I actually believe that I am better than most people, despite my flaws.

People-pleasing: my friends and former co-workers would all be laughing right now if somebody called me that in front of them.

Poor boundaries: I make more money than a lot of people, and I am moderately liberal. I give some money to charity, and I help my girlfriend and my immediate family out financially. I won't apologize for that.

Reactivity: I listen to what people say to me, filtering it through my own beliefs, perceptions, and experiences. That's because I believe that what people tell me is also influenced by their own beliefs, perceptions and experiences. Sometimes people are wasting my time and sometimes they have something valuable to share.

Caretaking: I can't help anybody unless I am taking care of myself. But I'm not going to ignore a plea for help from somebody I love. Because that's part of being in love.

Control: I don't want to control anybody else, unless I am being paid for my management skills. Even then, I would sometimes rather just do the work myself. I would be delighted if my girlfriend stopped asking me for financial help or even help with her classes, as long as she was doing okay.

Dysfunctional communication: Yes. Our communication is sometimes dysfunctional. Absolutely this is a serious issue in our relationship. Doesn't make it a co-dependent relationship, except maybe to Dr. Phil.

Obsessions: Can't really respond to this one, the description is quite broad and vague.

Dependency: I've only had three long-term relationships in my life, in part because I had no trouble dumping women or accepting being dumped by them. I don't prefer being alone, but I don't require a relationship to create my happiness either.

Denial: This is crap logic. Either I must nod my head sagely and say, yes I am co-dependent, or else Dr. Phil or whoever is going to say that I am in denial. F that.

Problems with intimacy: Nope, not in this relationship. I wish that we were having sex more often, but that makes me a guy, not a co-dependent. I don't have any special issues about being either smothered or rejected.

Painful emotions: What, like anger or sadness? Is that seriously supposed to be a symptom of co-dependency? Or is it really more of the basic human condition?

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I read your link. Going point by point:

Low self-esteem: No. I actually believe that I am better than most people, despite my flaws.

The Link says: "The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise" Vince, if you had high self-esteem/self-worth you'd not stay with someone who takes from you and treats you like shit. You just wouldn't. You'd have left her years ago after the second incident. That's what people with high self-esteem do, they give one more chance and then if things don't change they get the fk out.

People-pleasing: my friends and former co-workers would all be laughing right now if somebody called me that in front of them.

This discussion is about what you do in your relationship. You over-compensate in your need to please her however; keep in mind that not every symptom will be yours. Also keep in mind that everyone of us is somewhat codependent..It’s when the codependency causes your own emotional sickness within the relationship that is when it is an issue for you (you and the general you)

Poor boundaries: I make more money than a lot of people, and I am moderately liberal. I give some money to charity, and I help my girlfriend and my immediate family out financially. I won't apologize for that.

What? Your poor boundaries are that instead of telling your gf that she needs to focus on what she needs to do and do it herself, you do it for her. That is just one poor boundary that you have. You have an inability to tell her NO. Money? who cares?

Reactivity: I listen to what people say to me, filtering it through my own beliefs, perceptions, and experiences. That's because I believe that what people tell me is also influenced by their own beliefs, perceptions and experiences. Sometimes people are wasting my time and sometimes they have something valuable to share.

You have very poor reactivity when it comes to the bullshit that this girl reaps on you. You've given us loads of examples of that.

Caretaking: I can't help anybody unless I am taking care of myself. But I'm not going to ignore a plea for help from somebody I love. Because that's part of being in love.

That is another example of your poor boundaries. You do not help her when you do what you do for her... you ENABLER HER to be the leach that she is. You don't allow her to grow by giving the way YOU do.

Control: I don't want to control anybody else, unless I am being paid for my management skills. Even then, I would sometimes rather just do the work myself.

That is a need to control. You'd rather do it yourself then delegate

I would be delighted if my girlfriend stopped asking me for financial help or even help with her classes, as long as she was doing okay.

You don't give the opportunity to show you that she would be ok or to even learn how to be okay and be able to manage her time well when you care take her the way you do.

Dysfunctional communication: Yes. Our communication is sometimes dysfunctional. Absolutely this is a serious issue in our relationship. Doesn't make it a co-dependent relationship, except maybe to Dr. Phil.

You are so in denial. Your relationship stinks of addiction but your drug of choice isn't alcohol or heroin, it's "Psychologically Disturbed Girlfriend." You would go cold turkey withdrawal from her if you weren’t codependent.

Obsessions: Can't really respond to this one, the description is quite broad and vague.

Like I said you don't have to display every symptom to be codependent to the point that your own reality is being damaged. However your obsession of her is obvious.

Dependency: I've only had three long-term relationships in my life, in part because I had no trouble dumping women or accepting being dumped by them. I don't prefer being alone, but I don't require a relationship to create my happiness either.

Then why do you keep this one that is totally dysfunctional and abusive and emotionally damaging? What you describe is NOT love. Its addiction and fear of being alone.

Denial: This is crap logic. Either I must nod my head sagely and say, yes I am co-dependent, or else Dr. Phil or whoever is going to say that I am in denial. F that.

Okay, you're not codependent. You're just mistaken in what love is and you thrive on drama. What would you like us to say? What can we say that will make her not psychologically damaged and how you can fix that?

Problems with intimacy: Nope, not in this relationship. I wish that we were having sex more often, but that makes me a guy, not a co-dependent. I don't have any special issues about being either smothered or rejected.

If you understood what you were reading, you'd know that the reference to "intimacy" had zero to do with sex. BTW: You smother. You do this by doing her work for her (as one and only one example). [/quote]

Painful emotions: What, like anger or sadness? Is that seriously supposed to be a symptom of co-dependency? Or is it really more of the basic human condition?

Stop being obtuse, it's unbecoming of you.

Bottomline: You're in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship wherein you don't understand why you need to leave it. You're like the battered woman that keeps going back (or never leaving) her batterer. Label it whatever the fk you want. Just, please don't label is "love" because its anything but.

[basilandthyme]

Vince, I'm just throwing one thought out there: if she can't pass the exams without your support, then she has no business having the qualifications anyway.

[HeartIsAching]

Wow... Sorry I'm late to the party, just woke up.

I hate to say it, but I told you so. Glad you managed to avoid jail.

Avoiding the "co-dependent/not co-dependent" argument - why do you think it's your responsibility to take her class and do her tests for her? Why do you think it's your responsibility to help her pay for school? Why do you think it's your responsibility to prepare her for her other classes? Why does SHE think those things are your responsibility?

Think on it.

[VincenzoG91]

And how would you handle things? Sit on the couch and eat Cheetos while your girlfriend struggles with classes? And when she asks for help, tell her tough luck? There's a word for that, and it isn't love.

It has crossed my mind on multiple occasions that maybe she doesn't deserve the degree if she can't do the coursework herself. Then again, when I was in business school, quantitative analysis was strictly an optional class even for an accounting major, and nobody would have seriously contemplated making it mandatory for a marketing degree. The curriculum for it is still apparently not well-defined either, given that the instructor is skipping many chapters and bringing in a lot of supplementary material that isn't even in the textbook. If she needed help with a marketing class, I would agree that she doesn't deserve the degree. But this is like withholding a high school diploma because somebody couldn't pass driver's ed.

[Petit Papillon]

To be honest, she's not your 10 yo daughter, that you should help her do her homework... Students should be able to deal with the assignments and problems by themselves so later in the professional life they aren't some worthless employees. Imagine your doctor got help from his gf/bf because he/she couldn't handle that load of work they had. It is just an example. If you want to become somebody in the future, you have to deal with it by your own. If she isn't able to handle her studies, then maybe she should do something else. Seriously.

I'm asking myself, what kind of school it is which is enabling people to graduate, while they aren't even able to do the things, they are asked to do. Just think about it. You should NOT help her, cause it's HER job to do.