Sex outside marriage, can it work?

[anoncow]

My partner & I (defacto married) have been together for a few years, and have a 1 year old daughter.

We both brought a lot of sexual baggage into the relationship and it's always been a problem. Since our daughter was born it's basically dried up apart from the occasional handjob. We joke that we've kind of forgotten how to have sex and our interest is pretty low.

Problem is we're drifting apart... now it feels more like we just cohabit and co-parent. I also find her difficult to be around, critical & easily stressed, and it doesn't take much for us to argue.

This morning I told her that if it wasn't for our daughter & the fact that I hate being single then I probably wouldn't stay in the relationship. She said it was the most brutal thing she'd ever been told.

I'm wondering if me having sex outside the relationship (...probably paid :/...) would help me fulfill my own needs and feel less resentful about the relationship? We've kind of talked about this over the months but never really did anything.

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where this was the "arrangement"? How did it work?

[Wakeup]

You are not in a solid union. Having sex outside of your "marriage" is probably the worst thing you could do to one another. Why don't you go to marriage councelling together instead of thinking that sex is the answer to all the problems in your union. Your wife needs to be courted and treated the same way you treated her (date nights, attention paid to, no t.v. or computer games etc getting in the way) She needs to be made to feel like shes more then a mother.

You might want to try some sensitivity training on your own before you do the co-therapy.

BTW: If you go through with this, I'm wondering if her getting it outside the relationship would help HER fulfill what I'm talking about?

[DalM0m]

I'm not into open relationships. Some people are. If you really talk about it in advance & it's something you both agree to, I suppose it could work for you.

Paid or not, if you have sex outside of what your partner thinks is an exclusive relationship, it's cheating if it's done behind the other person's back.

If you genuinely care about the mother of your child & you would again like to make love with her, try romancing her. Make the effort into sweeping her off her feet instead of just climbing into bed expecting her to be available for you. Without knowing or seeming to care about how much time effort & energy she put into child rearing or what those efforts have taken out of her, you may not get what you desire because she's too burned out to give it to you.

[basilandthyme]

It's good that you've been so brutal with your comments: now she knows how you feel and you can decide together whether or not you're going to work on this. I suggest marriage counselling.

[anoncow]

Thanks for the frank feedback everyone, everything you said makes sense.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You don't love her, and it sounds like you don't even like her as a person. She's not putting out, so if you're not willing to leave her, then I don't see the problem with you getting it elsewhere. You should probably give her a heads up that you're going to see other women, but if you don't, it's not like you'd be putting her at risk. Sounds like it would ease tension and make your living situation more bearable. Of course, once she notices how upbeat you are she might flip.

Everyone here always thinks counselling is the greatest thing ever, but it doesn't sound like you even want to be with her, and from what you described, I don't blame you.

[mollymari]

Okay, huh. I wouldn't do it outside the marriage. If it's simply a need for some added 'spice' try getting a sitter for the night, the two of you get all doddled up and go out on the town. Once in the club, get hit on and go hit on. Sometimes, a little outside interest coming in makes one remember what drew them together in the first place. Seeing some other man hit on your woman and vice versa could be the spice needed.
If that doesn't work, and desperate measures are required to make it work, I would include her, not exclude her; and hire a pro so you both know you'll never see her again once the night is over. and if you do bring another into your bed (or the hotels bed), make sure she's (your wife) is the one calling the shots because if you give the pro more attention that your love, well, big mistake. She'll be feeling insecure, at least at first; empower her and make the night about pleasing her. The pro will know to give most of her attention to the lady, not the man. Believe me, the man will be most turned on by what he sees.
good luck.

[basilandthyme]

Everyone here always thinks counselling is the greatest thing ever, but it doesn't sound like you even want to be with her, and from what you described, I don't blame you.

Marriage counselling isn't always about trying to make it work. It can equally be about being honest with ourselves and our partner about our thoughts and needs. Once we start being honest, the stay or go question can become a lot clearer.

When my previous marriage was ending, I found that being honest with myself was the most difficult hurdle. I was very resistant to letting go of the idea that I loved him and needed to make the marriage work. But when I allowed myself to honestly question my beliefs, I found that it was no longer true for me.

[bluesummer]

Marriage counselling isn't always about trying to make it work. It can equally be about being honest with ourselves and our partner about our thoughts and needs. Once we start being honest, the stay or go question can become a lot clearer.

This is so true. Sometimes it actually takes a counsellor to help you realize that what's best for you (or both of you) may actually be moving on. You said that the only reason you stay with her is because of A) your child and B) you hate being single. Honestly the first reason is kind of a cop out. Children don't need for their parents to be together to grow up right, they just both need to be in their life. My parents had a terrible marriage and honestly I wished all the time that they would divorce, but for some stupid reason they waited until I was done high school. Their shit relationship had a lot to do with how my early relationships played out because theirs was my model. Yuck. The second reason is what needs some more delving into.....you're staying because you hate to be single. Sounds like you need to tap into that side and figure out what's behind that. Maybe you actually love your spouse but don't love who they are right now. Or maybe you're afraid no one else will love you (insecurity issues, laziness, etc etc). You need some answers behind these feelings. Whether they keep you together or not is irrelevant. Figuring out how to be happy is key, and what is barring you from that happiness (it's you, not her.....we are all in control of our own happiness).

[smackie9]

Screw the counselor and approach her about separating...truly tell her how unhappy you are. I think it's time to be honest with yourself and not just with her.

[searock]

approach her about separating...truly tell her how unhappy you are.

He already did. A counselor can help guide them through the rough times, whether it will end up with a separation or with a reunification.

[smackie9]

......she's hanging onto him because of financial support that is why she's gonna fight him on it.

[Tug]

I didnt read all the replies but sex outside of the relationship marriage or not is a recipe for disaster. You two are drifting apart I would suggest seeing a therapist. There's allot of things you can do to spice up your sex life and cheating isnt one of them. Telling her why you were still in the marriage was wrong, she'll never forget that.

[tropus]

I think if you seek infidelity it will actually have the opposite effect and you will resent your partner more. You're in a pretty hard place with your family, man. What you said to her was in fact brutal, and you need to think about whether you truly meant it. Maybe it would be better for everyone if you broke up with her. Fear of being alone is something you need to get over. Don't let it stand in the way of your happiness.