More questions from my very strange brain...

[TheEvilJester]

(Quick note: I have to apologize in advance. However, as I begin to get closer to a time in my life where I am finally ready to get back out there, I think I am probably going to be coming here for advice on the various questions that pop into my crazy brain. LOL! I want to profusely thank those of you who continue to try to help.)

So, I will be the first to admit my thought process is very.... weird sometimes. Now that I am nearing a time when I am ready to get back into the dating world after getting out of a big mistake of a relationship, I am realizing I am going to need to learn to finally get over my shyness around women. So, in part of doing that, I am sort of thinking of exactly WHAT it is that used to always hold me back. You want to know the funny thing? A lot of times, what is holding people back is that they are concerned they will be rejected. Funny enough... that actually IS NOT what used to hold me back. At least not to a large degree. I feel like that is something I could deal with. It would hurt, but I've been through enough hurt in life to be able to deal with it and quickly move on.

Some of the things that actually did used to hold me back:

• I used to worry I would be perceived as some kind of creep who just hits on women all the time.

I don't know why this has always been something that bothers me so much. But, you cannot imagine how shy I am (unless you are very shy too), so this could not possibly be further from the truth. If I were to ever ask a girl out, it is because I really wanted to ask her out. It is not just because she was attractive female number 2578, and I wanted to add another conquest to my list. So, I wouldn't want to be perceived as being a creep. Logically, though, I realize that this is kind of stupid. If I asked a girl out and she dismissed me as being one of a million other creeps who asked her out then, you know what? That is her damn loss. But, knowing that intellectually, and actually acting on it are two different things.

• I used to worry, what if she already has a boyfriend/fiance/husband (or heck, in this day and age, even girlfriend/fiance/wife)? I wouldn't want to look like a guy trying to break up somebody's relationship.

Honestly, this is probably a pretty goofy concern too. After all, how would she expect I would necessarily know this? So, you'd have to be kind of a self-centered a-hole to just automatically jump on the "this guy is a creep who asks out women who are already taken" band-wagon. Again, though, knowing this intellectually never really helped me get past it.

Off the top of my head, I guess those are two of the biggies that used to hold me back. I mean, beyond that there is the usual stuff. Like, the awkwardness/embarrassment of what if she says no and then I have to see her again all the time? That would be weird and kind of embarrassing.

All the same, I have to admit that I am feeling ready to finally blow past all of my insecurities and start to just go ahead and give it a dang try. ;-) About the only good thing I can say about my past relationship is that I have really come a LONG way as result of it.... Both through finally having a relationship in the first place, and through slowly realizing I deserved so much better. Nothing like realizing you deserve better to give you a big boost of self-esteem. After all, coming to the realization that you deserve better requires coming to the realization that maybe you aren't such a bad person after all. Otherwise, you'd just continue to be down on yourself and think that is what you deserve anyway.

Now, whether I will actually be able to do it remains to be seen. LOL!

Anyways, again, any advice anybody can offer on how to get over my above mentioned insecurities (or perhaps how you got past them yourself) I would greatly appreciate it. :-)

[bessieb]

I got back into dating after a long time away and had some pretty disastrous first and only dates, They didn't progress to the second because the chemistry wasn't there or I just didn't see them as someone I would want to see again. I am now with someone long term and all those insecurities came flooding back, from taking my clothes off in front of them to what if he doesn't call/text. I don't think they ever go away, we just learn to deal/manage them over time and realise that if we don't we will never be happy in a relationship.

It's a scary world out there but if we don't embrace it, we will never know.

[Cbud92]

Just from what I'm reading.. I want to say.. I respect the hell out of you. It's hard to find guys in todays world that even give half a shit about the possibility that they could be negatively effecting the girls CURRENT relationship.

I hate that one saying "Just because there is a goalie doesn't mean I can't score"... I heard that once and seriously almost punched the dude in the face.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, Bessie. Hearing that actually does help me. That does make sense. I have grown to realize the same thing about my crazy shyness. It is NEVER going to go away, so the only thing I can do is just power through it. I've come a long way in my life in that respect, and now it is time I finally get through it once and for all. As much as I HATE that my life didn't align properly for me to talk to the girl I had a crush on shortly after my marriage officially ended (to us, not officially on paper), at least it helped me push through a HUGE barrier in my life. Before her, I NEVER actually got over my shyness around women. (As I've said, my mistake of an ex-wife and I were friends before we dated, so we had kind of skipped past all that.) Even thinking about it in my own head, I used to know I could NEVER get over it.

But, then I went through my break-up, started to come up for air, and saw somebody who made me want to get to know her better. And... funny enough, I decided in my head that once I got my life settled, I WAS going to talk to her. I know that doesn't sound terribly impressive, but for me it was ground-breaking.

To this day, I still find myself wishing she would somehow pop back into my life and I could get my chance. But, I am starting to get to the point where I am ready to move one. And... you know something, getting over that hurdle for my mystery girl has made me feel like I can get over it again, and finally actually put it to action.

Cbud, thank you. I appreciate that. Believe it or not, that does matter A LOT to me. Obviously, part of that is because I don't want to be perceived as being a creepazoid. But, in all honestly, a larger part is because the last thing I want is for the poor girl to think I am a creepazoid and feel uncomfortable. Or to cause trouble in her relationship because I didn't realize she was already taken.

Funny enough, I've always been really realistic about that too. I've had crushes on girls before, then later found out they already had a boyfriend. Funny enough, it is literally like a light switch. Instantly, I move on because I know they are not available. Definitely very weird. Can't help but wonder sometimes if I am secretly an android just learning human emotions. LOL! Robotic Voice: "Female carbon life unit already selected a mate. Ctrl Alt Delete." LOL!

[bessieb]

TheEvilJester

I am not a shy person on the outside, however to a very select few, I am on the inside. I have been left quite vulnerable and insecure from the actions of my ex husband. I'm guessing like me you aren't a person in their twenties either (apologies if you are) we wobble a bit more than we used to and some areas are a little greyer or balder as well. However we still have feelings the same but we do seem to react slightly differently the older we get, we aren't as confident and we are maybe a little more cautious but it doesn't take away our want or need to love or be loved.

You are doing really really well and should be proud of the steps you have already taken, new lives take time to build, even more so when you have a particular emotion that needs to change/improve to enable this.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks again, Bessie. It really does help me to hear things like this from others. By the way, you are correct. I am no longer in my 20's. ;-) Very recently no longer in my 20's, but you were correct all the same. In point of fact, I weeble and I wobble... but I don't fall down. ;-) LOL!

In all seriousness, though, funny enough I have a lot more confidence and self-esteem now than I did before. I even fairly recently made a drastic change to my appearance, loved it instantly, and after a year am still loving it. I used to have long hair because that honestly just felt like me. But, frankly, due to Mother Nature's cruel jokes, it didn't look all that great.

But, I liked it anyway and was reluctant to change it because I wasn't sure I'd like something else quite so much. But, through about the world's geekiest inspiration (no, I totally didn't think it looked cool on Bane and would maybe look good on me *shifty eyes*) I decided to go with the bald look. Got all my hair shaved off. I actually REALLY love it, and frankly have to admit it looks so much better than my old hairstyle.

...Why was I talking about that? Oh... right.... so luckily, my confidence these days, for a number of reasons, is so much better than it used to be. That was just my one big example of how that is the case.

[bessieb]

Sometimes it takes something that may appear small to others but is huge for us, to make a massive amount of difference to how we see ourselves. For you it was shaving your head and reinventing yourself into being the person you want to be and leaving the person behind you so desperately want to change from.

Is there no way the young lady you would like to have spoken with, will come back into your life?

[TheEvilJester]

Is there no way the young lady you would like to have spoken with, will come back into your life?

Well, "no way" is, I suppose, a very heavy statement. But, it really seems highly unlikely. :-( I am at a new job, I found out she is apparently no longer at the old job either, and I am not really in contact with anybody from the old job that would probably be likely to know her. There was one person from my old job who actually may have known her (she was on her team). For lack of confusion in my story, I will refer to my mystery girl as just that, and this other colleague as Loretta (not her real name). I tried to get back in touch with "Loretta" (to be fair, I wanted to anyway, as we were always casual friends/colleagues, and she was somebody with whom I would have liked to stay in touch). My mystery girl does not have any Facebook or anything like that, as far as I can find. Not that I'm an Internet stalker (LOL!) there just wasn't any other way I could think to reach out to her. "Loretta," however, did. I added her, but she did not reciprocate.

To be perfectly honest, it is entirely possible she simply didn't realize it was me. Especially considering my real name is not a very distinctive name. My name might as well be John Smith for how unique it is. It is also entirely possible she simply doesn't use Facebook that much. She is older (like, maybe my parents age. Not VERY old, but older than me) so people from her generation tend not to be as Internet obsessed. But, it has been a month or so (maybe more, I forget) so I am beginning to think it is a lost cause.

As for my mystery girl, I supposed it is possible that some of my work colleagues with whom I did keep in touch may have known her, but it seems unlikely. So, unless she suddenly opens a Facebook, I find her on a dating site when I start giving those a try again, or something like that, the only chance would be that I somehow randomly run into her. How often does something like that actually happen? So, seems pretty unlikely I will ever even see her again.

I have gotten to a point where I have pretty much moved on, as a result of it not really being a possibility. The only thing is, this was one time I didn't really WANT to move on. I would have much rather had the chance to talk to her. I mean, if I am even half right about the kind of person she seemed to me to be, I would kill even just to have her as a friend. But, such is life sometimes. Hopefully some day I find somebody. My lacking self-esteem makes that hard to believe, but at least these days I have enough self-esteem to try. :-)

[bessieb]

Maybe, just maybe you wanting to establish some conversation with her was a sign of you wanting to move on and accepting that it hasn't happened, has made you move on, does that make sense, it did in my head!!

Things happen for a reason, sometimes at the time we understand them and sometimes we don't until we reflect.

It sounds to me like you're getting back on track and reading the advice you have given others would suggest to me that you have made some massive personal inroads with how our own feelings and emotions can sometimes get blinded and missed when we are so closely involved ourselves with specific situations.

[TheEvilJester]

I... think I know what you meant. LOL! But, what is for sure is that my crush on her was certainly a very clear sign that I was ready to move on with my life after my mistake of a marriage ended. It's just, the thing is, it was a clear sign I didn't NEED at the time. I was already very happy, and getting happier by the day. I already felt like I wanted to get back out there and try again. I even was getting excited to try to find my dream girl again. I didn't need tangible proof that I would be okay, because I already basically knew that. So, at the time, it sort of felt like I noticed her for a reason. Now, I'm just not so sure anymore. I suppose maybe I needed it more than I thought in order to move on, but I just didn't feel like I needed it because I was already looking forward to moving on.

Anyway, I think you are correct. I have really been getting back on track, and I am pretty close to being ready to get back out there. So, I hope some day I do find my true soulmate. As far as my mystery girl goes, at this point I have pretty much gotten over losing the chance to get to know her better. But, like I said, I didn't really want to get over it. I would have rather had a chance to try. Though, I am sure in the long run, one way or the other, it will all make sense.

[bessieb]

I'm glad you understood me LOL

My first crush after my marriage ended, was just that, a crush. I did get the chance to speak to him we even managed quite a few dates but then I realized after a while the once a week I was seeing him wasn't enough for a relationship and then came the realization that actually I didn't want a relationship with him for quite a few different reasons and so I moved on.

We all learn from what happens to us and sometimes it hurts as we learn, hurts like hell but we eventually get past it and find happiness, whether that's alone or with someone is down to each different individual. I am not a person that can be alone, that might make me sound a bit desperate but what I mean is I am someone who wants to be loved and give love. I like having my own time but I like being part of a "twosome" I like the feeling and commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship, leading to a future together. I have someone in my life at the moment and we have been together quite a while, he has issues from his past and I am trying to understand them and the way he behaves sometimes, it's not easy and I have felt like walking away but we have to take the good and the bad and as long as the good is much greater than the bad then it's worth sticking it out.

[sara83]

This is a strange situation....

[TheEvilJester]

I'm glad you understood me LOL

My first crush after my marriage ended, was just that, a crush. I did get the chance to speak to him we even managed quite a few dates but then I realized after a while the once a week I was seeing him wasn't enough for a relationship and then came the realization that actually I didn't want a relationship with him for quite a few different reasons and so I moved on.

We all learn from what happens to us and sometimes it hurts as we learn, hurts like hell but we eventually get past it and find happiness, whether that's alone or with someone is down to each different individual. I am not a person that can be alone, that might make me sound a bit desperate but what I mean is I am someone who wants to be loved and give love. I like having my own time but I like being part of a "twosome" I like the feeling and commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship, leading to a future together. I have someone in my life at the moment and we have been together quite a while, he has issues from his past and I am trying to understand them and the way he behaves sometimes, it's not easy and I have felt like walking away but we have to take the good and the bad and as long as the good is much greater than the bad then it's worth sticking it out.

I hear you on that one. Sometimes S happens. Such is life. I have always been a firm believer that most things happen for a reason. Things that may seem bad at the time are eventually proven necessary in order to pave the way for good things. To guide you to where you are truly supposed to be in life. So, whether I ever see my mystery girl again or not, hopefully noticing her, only to lose my chance to talk to her will, in the long run, seem like it had to happen for a reason.

I also hear you on being the type of person who doesn't like to be alone. Again, just like you, it isn't like I am one of those people who are just utterly incapabable of being alone. That is a little sad. But, like you, I just feel like I belong in a relationship. A good relationship, that is. In a lot of ways, I feel like I was made to be in a relationship. Not that I mean that is ALL that defines me, but I just mean that I feel I have so much to give to some girl someday, and I feel like I wouldn't want to let it go to waste. Though, honestly, it is hard not to get cynical sometimes and believe it will never happen.