Any advice - Specific Scenario questions- how to ask girls out.

[TheEvilJester]

So, as I have discussed in many of my threads, I have always been extremely shy (especially around women). So, I never had a single girlfriend until much later than most people do (about mid-way into college, or near the end). As it is, the woman I now think of as a HUGE mistake and I were close friends before we became a couple, so we kind of skipped over all that stuff.

....Meaning now that I am single (and so unbelievably happy not being in that relationship) I am realizing that I actually still never really learned how to ask girls out or anything like that. So, I'm sure once I officially get back into the dating world, I am going to come by here a lot for advice. ;-) But, I thought I'd start off with some hypothetical situations and get advice on good ways to handle them. Some of them are things that have happened to me in the past (and I didn't know then, nor do I now, what to do), some are just off the top of my head wondering what to do if I find myself in such a situation. If you have any to offer, I would certainly appreciate advice from both genders. But, specifically any ladies that can offer advice, I would greatly appreciate that, since you could better answer what a girl may like/not like.

• A girl you know only in passing is somebody you think you want to maybe ask out, or at least get to know a little better...

Say this is the scenario I find. How do I go about talking to her? Should I ask her out first, or try to maybe befriend her a little first? What would be a good thing to say? For example, with the girl from my previous work I had been hoping to eventually talk to (Unfortunately, before I was ready, I left that job... you can see more in one of my other threads) I was kind of thinking of saying something like this:

"Hey, I've never really done something likes this... you know... ever.... But, for some reason, I always kind of sensed you were somebody I might like to get to know better. Could I take you out sometime?"

I'm just not sure if that would seem too forward. Should I try to instead talk to her a few times first, or is it better just to be bold and go for it?

• You somehow come across a girl you really don't even know. Maybe she is a friend of a friend or something like that. Could be your friend talks about them, maybe somebody you see comment on a friend's Facebook from time to time or something. However, for whatever reason, they seem like somebody who has a lot in common with you and you find yourself intrigued.

This one is a bit weird. I mean, if it is somebody you really don't even know, it could seem a bit stalkerific. But, what if you somehow learned that they seem to have a lot in common with you, so it makes you kind of want to get to meet them. Again, like I said, maybe one example is you see them post on a shared friend's Facebook and they seem to have a lot of things in common with you. (This one, I have to say is sort of just hypothetical. Never really had a situation like this happen). Do you reach out to the person directly? Do you ask your friend to sort of set you up? Or, is it probably best just not to pursue it at all?

• The all important question.... You have a big crush on a girl and finally decide to ask her out....

What exactly do you do/say? It is one thing if it is just a girl you think you might like to ask out and she rejects you. That is bad enough, but you can move on and get over it. But, if it is somebody you are REALLY crushing on, it becomes so much more important. You want to say and do everything 100% correctly, because you don't want to be rejected. Granted, you may still be rejected, and you will have to move on and get over that as well. But, still, you want to be more than prepared to give it the best possible shot. This is the sort of thing where you'd want to plan very well in advance exactly what you are going to say.... maybe even what you will say based one what she says.

Any advice anybody has to offer, I would greatly appreciate it. That, or even any general advice you can give to an extremely shy guy who never really got over his shyness around girls.

[Lord Darkshire]

Start with talking with girls that are friends or girls that don't interest you much or feel intiminated by for practise. Then when you get comfortable with that, go to social events and parties and do the samething with a few buddies for support. By then you should be OK to ask someone out on a date.

[DalM0m]

Context is everything. In a bar / party / social situation you can just go for it, especially if you have been talking a while. "I'd like to take you out some time. Can I get your phone #?"

In a non-social setting where the woman might not be expecting to hit on / flirted with, you need to ease into it. Chat her up a bit first -- nice day, isn't it? how 'bout them Yankees? I was thinking about getting a new phone, do you like yours? What you talk about doesn't matter as much as you get her talking.

Skip the "I have never done this before" Even if it is true, it sounds like a line. It also undermines you before you even start.

in college the actual asking can be tricky. People tend to do more of a vague open ended thing like "hey wanna hang out some time?" If you want to be clear be specific. "Would you like to go to the movies with me on Friday>" or whatever you are inviting her to.

[MrJones22]

Start with talking with girls that are friends or girls that don't interest you much or feel intiminated by for practise. Then when you get comfortable with that, go to social events and parties and do the samething with a few buddies for support. By then you should be OK to ask someone out on a date.

I think this is good advice, but I'm going to add to it.

Even if you do really like the girl, find something that's wrong with them. Focus on it for a moment and realize that they're not perfect. It'll be a lot easier to approach them when you lower their status in your mind.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks all for your help. Some great advice, that I very much appreciate.

Skip the "I have never done this before" Even if it is true, it sounds like a line. It also undermines you before you even start.

Really? Okay. I will take your advice on that one. I had kind of thought, in my head, that made it sound kind of less threatening. One of the stupid little things I worry about most inside my head is that women are going to think I'm just some slime-ball who hits on anything with two legs. I mean, a lot of times women will tend to put a guy off asking them out as just yet another creep trying to "hook up." So, I kind of wanted to say something that could show that I am NOT that kind of guy at all, but without it seeming like a line. Is there a better way to get that across you can suggest? If your advice is just not to bother (in other words, they'll either give me a chance and learn that, or blow me off and then that is their loss), then I certainly understand that. I am just wondering if there is some way to kind of make that clear without seeming weird, or making it seem like a line.

Because, honestly, even with my low self-esteem, I have always felt that is one of my best qualities. I am not like most of my gender seems to be. I am no Barney Stinson (again How I Met Your Mother reference... I LOVE that show).

Lord Darkshire,

Thank you as well for your advice. Funny enough, I have done that even before my relationship has ended (in other words, we had mutual friends who happened to be female, so I talked to them). That actually HAS helped me a great deal. I think that may be part of why I feel like I finally can get over it now that I am going to be entering the dating world again.

MrJones...

I actually have to say that is really good advice! It's also a bit original. I think a lot of people don't think of that... especially when they have a crush on somebody. The only problem is it can sometimes be hard to find faults in people until you actually get to know them better. But, I think the overall attitude you are conveying is great. It really does help to step back and realize that nobody is perfect. You are not perfect.... but then neither is the person for whom you have a crush. At the end of the day, they are just a person too. Kind of helps to put things in perspective to make them seem a little bit more approachable.

[DalM0m]

If you really aren't "that kind of guy" she will figure it out in a dozen other ways. You don't need to tell her in so many words.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks. I guess you are right. I kind of just want the chance to get past that perception to begin with. That has always been one of my biggest concerns. I kind of worry, what if the girl just writes me off as being one of another million creeps who asked her out, so she just blows me off instantly? Funny enough... it isn't actually the thought of her blowing me off that worries me most. I could get over that. No biggie. It is the thought of being perceived as some creepy guy who just goes around hitting on women.

I may not have much of a self-esteem, but I have to even give myself credit for the fact that I am a nice guy (you know... so long as you don't F with me, or with somebody important to me). So, whether she has any interest or not, I wouldn't want a girl to feel skeeved out that I asked her out.

I dunno... I guess maybe I am thinking too much into it. But, that is my explanation as to why I kind of wanted to find a way to come off as more so innocent.

By the way, please do not misunderstand my continued conversation for me being argumentitive. That is in no way my intention. ;-) I REALLY appreciate your advice and help. Just kind of trying to explain my thought process and see if you have further feedback, or still think it is best just to not concern myself with that and just know that she would learn I'm not "that kind of guy" if she gives me the chance.

Not sure that even needed to be said, but you would be surprised how often people misconstrue a continued discussion on a subject as being a person being argumentative, or not accepting help/advice they are given. That has actually always been one of my pet peeves. What is the point of a discussion if people are just going to expect you to hear what they have to say and then clam up? By definition, that isn't a discussion at all.

[DalM0m]

I don't think you are argumentative or creepy. I agree with you that many people mistake discussion for derision or can't separate disagreeing with someone from being disagreeable.

However if you act around other women the way you are on this message board it's easy for me to conclude that you are insecure. Most women don't perceive that as creepy. The insincere, falsely debonair ricco-suave guy, that's creepy.

Be yourself. If you are true to yourself, the right woman will respond positively. Quality women who even if they don't want to date you will still respond politely & be flattered that you asked. Yes, there are the other kind of women in the world but as your sense of self develops you should be able to spot them before you ask them out.

[HDBadger]

The advice here is all pretty good.

Basically --- and probably sooner rather than later --- you need to ask her out directly. "Would you like to get coffee with me at 3 on Thursday?" Be cordial but firm. Don't be wishy washy.

The answers you are looking for are either "Yes, that sounds good" or "I can't Thursday, but how about Friday?"

Any other answer is probably a blow off, and you should treat it as such. Don't tolerate nonsense from women.

I'll give you an example: There's a cute girl who works at the bookshop nearby. I chatted with her a few times, and talked
to her outside work. We built a decent rapport. I asked her out for frozen yogurt, and she responded, "Maybe."

Done. Next girl. You're probably going to have to play the numbers game to an
extent.

Finally, though you will have to take a little time
to get to know most women, you, conversely, shouldn't be wasting a lot of
time trying to woo any one woman.

There aren't a ton of great prospective girlfriends out there, and most women are a pain
in the ass to be around for more than 90 seconds, but if you're patient and confident, you should enjoy at least some success with the opposite sex.

[searock]

I think this is good advice, but I'm going to add to it.

Even if you do really like the girl, find something that's wrong with them. Focus on it for a moment and realize that they're not perfect. It'll be a lot easier to approach them when you lower their status in your mind.

Whoa... this is terrible advice. I've witnessed this "tactic" fail miserably and inevitably every single time I've seen it in practice. I can't believe some people actually believe it would work on anyone. So rude and obnoxious.

[edit] Oh - sorry, I just re-read more carefully and I realized you meant to focus on it by yourself, without saying anything to her... yes, then it's actually very good advice :-). Putting people on pedestals is never a good idea. I was referring to some guys who actually believe that telling a girl that there is something wrong with her is going to make her fall for them more easily... lol! So absurd.

[FAndrews]

Yeah i agree, you're putting them up on a pedestal so to speak and mentally giving yourself more reasons to fail, so yeah this might be good tactic though will be rather hard, as from experience I'm a head over heels kinda guy when it comes to falling for girls.

Searock: yep would never imagine doing that, why would that work? heard that idea before but it just never makes sense.

[FlaCooln]

Be yourself. If you are true to yourself, the right woman will respond positively. Quality women who even if they don't want to date you will still respond politely & be flattered that you asked. Yes, there are the other kind of women in the world but as your sense of self develops you should be able to spot them before you ask them out.

^^^^This in my experience is key.

Women need/want/expect HONESTY. But, most can't take brutal honesty. I find if you can express your personality, be witty/funny/charming, and actually listen and respond to a woman's conversation they will take interest in you. When they ask you something respond quickly and honestly; if you can be witty at the same time even better.

I also usually do not like to ask women out or for there number the 1st time I meet them, unless she gives me the vibe to do so. Usually if a woman wants you to ask her our or for her number they will somehow let you know. You should still make them know your attracted by maybe a compliment or two. Then, the next time you see her stike up a conversation and ask her out or for her number when appropriate.

[Empty Road]

A lot of times it's not what you say but how you say it that matters. If you are a nervous wreck trying to chat with her, your success rate drop dramatically. Women reads men through their body language, speech pattern, voice, mannerism, and clothing style to determine if they suit their tastes. Of course being good looking helps but that can be improve upon by staying in shape and oozing with confidence. So it's more than just knowing what to say. But it's good that you are taking the biggest step to approach them. You should keep doing it until you have no fear of talking to girls. I mean it's only girls, they're cute but harmless. So what if they reject you? You should brush it off like it's dust. Your goal is to find someone who likes you back, so any girl who don't should just be forgotten immediately.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you once again, everybody, for all the help and advice. Too many to comment on all in one big block of text, so let me do the quote thing. ;-)

I don't think you are argumentative or creepy. I agree with you that many people mistake discussion for derision or can't separate disagreeing with someone from being disagreeable.

However if you act around other women the way you are on this message board it's easy for me to conclude that you are insecure. Most women don't perceive that as creepy. The insincere, falsely debonair ricco-suave guy, that's creepy.

Be yourself. If you are true to yourself, the right woman will respond positively. Quality women who even if they don't want to date you will still respond politely & be flattered that you asked. Yes, there are the other kind of women in the world but as your sense of self develops you should be able to spot them before you ask them out.

Thank you, DalM0m. I hope you are right. As I've said in other threads, I would hate for a girl I ask out to dismiss me as a creep... both because I don't want to be perceived that way, and because honestly it would kill me to think I made somebody uncomfortable. That would NEVER be my intention. So, I would hope that, at the very least, if they aren't interested they at least take it as a compliment that I was.

HDBadger,

I think that is definitely good advice. You don't want to spend too much time chasing around the "maybes." I've often times heard dating is a bit of a "numbers game" for guys. To be perfectly honest, that worries me a little. Thing is, I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not the type of guy to just go around asking women out all the time. If I ask a girl out, it probably means I either have a crush on her, or at least found hre somebody I'd wanted to get to know better and perhaps even date. So, I don't know how comfortable I would necessarily feel asking out tons of women just hoping that one says yes.

LOL! Searock,

Yeah, I think you definitely misunderstood the intent of their advice at first. Well.... I could be wrong. But, I think more so the intent of the exercise was to realize, in your own mind, that nobody is perfect. I think it was really less about actually necessarily finding something wrong about them (and definitely NOT about telling them about it) but more about the exercise of realizing that nobody is perfect. That they are just a person, just like you.

What you thought that advice meant at first... I can't see how anybody ever thinks that will work. "Hey, you have crooked teeth. Want to go out?" LOL!

Yeah i agree, you're putting them up on a pedestal so to speak and mentally giving yourself more reasons to fail, so yeah this might be good tactic though will be rather hard, as from experience I'm a head over heels kinda guy when it comes to falling for girls.

Searock: yep would never imagine doing that, why would that work? heard that idea before but it just never makes sense.

....You had to use that phrase? LOL! Now I can't stop thinking about 40 Year Old Virgin... and something else that was being put on a pedestal. LOL! No, seriously, though. Good advice. I am just like you, though. I tend to be the head over heels type of dude.

^^^^This in my experience is key.

Women need/want/expect HONESTY. But, most can't take brutal honesty. I find if you can express your personality, be witty/funny/charming, and actually listen and respond to a woman's conversation they will take interest in you. When they ask you something respond quickly and honestly; if you can be witty at the same time even better.

I also usually do not like to ask women out or for there number the 1st time I meet them, unless she gives me the vibe to do so. Usually if a woman wants you to ask her our or for her number they will somehow let you know. You should still make them know your attracted by maybe a compliment or two. Then, the next time you see her stike up a conversation and ask her out or for her number when appropriate.

I am actually a very good listener. Another reason it stinks I've never really been able to put it to much good use. My friends all know it, though.

A lot of times it's not what you say but how you say it that matters. If you are a nervous wreck trying to chat with her, your success rate drop dramatically. Women reads men through their body language, speech pattern, voice, mannerism, and clothing style to determine if they suit their tastes. Of course being good looking helps but that can be improve upon by staying in shape and oozing with confidence. So it's more than just knowing what to say. But it's good that you are taking the biggest step to approach them. You should keep doing it until you have no fear of talking to girls. I mean it's only girls, they're cute but harmless. So what if they reject you? You should brush it off like it's dust. Your goal is to find someone who likes you back, so any girl who don't should just be forgotten immediately.

So you are saying a stuttering, stammering Woody Allen impression wouldn't score big? LOL! Kidding. Thanks muchly for the advice. I definitely agree. Hence why I have the tendency to over thinking things and try to WAY plan out what I'm going to say. LOL!