Is he into me? On line dating.

[Lilia]

Wakeup, I am not making things up. The thing about my bf is that he was my first bf in life and I was almost 20 when we met. He is 16 years older than me. And I kind of looked up to him.
And he is the only man I know. I don't know any different. He was caring and loving too. Not always abusive. But then things got worse... But I still remember the good side of him.

I don't think I have projected any neediness or insecurity during my video chat with the guy.. I was not showing it to him. We were not getting too personal in the conversation. And I kept it happy in a genuine way. But you might be right.. He might have sensed that I wasn't all right... Which makes me feel horrible... Cos It won't change. It is my personality. I've been like that all my life.

[pcmaster]

Well how about you trust your parrents these worries? They propably love you since they allow to stay with them for 5 months. Let them closer. And how about you learn to sustain easier form or relationship like friendship before you try get a boyfriend? Otherwise its like trying to carry something that you cant lift.
Your confidence will be higher if you return to work. Its the creativity that gives the selfesteem.

You said that you been exercising every day last 4 months. Can you do it together with like minded people? Is there a gym where you live? A trainer? You could benefit from being together with people who shares and supports same passion as you.

[Valixy]

Thank you. I agree with everything you are saying here... My problem is I haven't been happy since my teenage hood. There is nothing to rediscover... there is no old happy side of me that I could find. When I started dating my bf I already had a negative baggage of bad experiences that I had faced before meeting him in my life. So yes I am vulnerable and unbalanced and someone will have to accept me with these feelings that I carry with me. And I won't put it on the guy;s shoulders. Yes, I have to walk a long way to recover but I need someone by my site.

Yes, the illusion that one is the sum of many long years of unhappiness and nothing else can be very powerful, but that's all it is, an illusion. I know people who stopped being happy when they were little kids and got to find so much happiness inside themselves as adults that they were simply amazed. So, I do not agree with you that unhappiness is a permanent state :-)

It may be that you'll need a total reorientation in life but you'll get there even without you being aware of it. All you have to do is take little steps every day for becoming happier and more stable and in time you'll find that it works. Maybe you'll have to renounce to an old way of life or learn something totally new, but there is always a way and once that you get engaged in this process, you'll be able to recognise it.

I doubt that anyone will ever be totally balanced, it's something impossible to achieve in this unbalanced and unpredictable world, but you can reach a state where you feel better about yourself and your life is back on track. You would then enjoy a love relationship so much more and if it wouldn't work out, because sometimes they simply don't or they aren't even supposed to, you'll always have your happy self to rely on. Your complete happiness should never depend on a man, or you are meant to fail and with your heart broken in pieces. Unfortunately no human being/love relationship is a reliable source for anyone's personal happiness.

It is hard for you at the moment and maybe it will still be for some time, but you're not the only one going through something like this. We're all meant to learn this lesson at some point in our lives and come out liberated, stronger, more complete and so much happier than before :-)

[Lilia]

I probably seem needy with you guys too... on this forum.
I just need to vent about my feelings. Sorry if it is boring guys.
I will never get over my my old relationship. It will never happen. It will last for 4 more years or may be more. I get this feeling it will never end. ((
ANd there will be nobody else to support me. Cos as you said the guys will sense that something is wrong with me. But why do I have to be completely mentally fine? Ain't they got no problems at all? I would accept them with their problems.
ANd I looked over 100 pages on that dating site and haven't found a single guy I would find attractive. Actually I live in Russia and I don't like how russian guys look. I like how french guys look, how english guys look. I might sound superficial. Actually my past therapist once said that I don't like russian guys cos I got a terrible relationship with my father and he is russian. But that's another story. I just feel there is no one out there for me. I almost forgot what sex is. Just imagine I am 24 and I don't even get to have sex. ANd I am a pretty girl who looks after herself almost obsessively trying to look as pretty as possible. Constant search for more make up, more fancy clothing...
Sorry guys.. i just needed to vent about my life. It got a bit off topic. But I am talking about relationships and this is a relationship advice forum.

[Lilia]

Well how about you trust your parrents these worries? They propably love you since they allow to stay with them for 5 months. Let them closer. And how about you learn to sustain easier form or relationship like friendship before you try get a boyfriend? Otherwise its like trying to carry something that you cant lift.
Your confidence will be higher if you return to work. Its the creativity that gives the selfesteem.

You said that you been exercising every day last 4 months. Can you do it together with like minded people? Is there a gym where you live? A trainer? You could benefit from being together with people who shares and supports same passion as you.

I can't share it with my parents. It is too embarrassing to share. My reply might sound childish but I need a boyfriend. Not a friend. I want someone I could cuddle with. I need physical affection desperately. I am dying without it. Literally dying. I have a dog so I cuddle with him all the time. Not in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong. = ) But it doesn't take that need for affection away... That's why I'd rather have a 1 night stand if a relationship was impossible. At least I would get some affection! Do I sound horribly pathetic guys?
Actually when I was riding a bike 2 months ago, there was a very nice guy on a bike who started a conversation with me and then he asked for my phone number. He wanted to ride a bike with me again soon. He called me later and I never answered his phone calls.(( I can't even explain why... I wasn't open for communication..

[Lilia]

Yes, the illusion that one is the sum of many long years of unhappiness and nothing else can be very powerful, but that's all it is, an illusion. I know people who stopped being happy when they were little kids and got to find so much happiness inside themselves as adults that they were simply amazed. So, I do not agree with you that unhappiness is a permanent state :-)

It may be that you'll need a total reorientation in life but you'll get there even without you being aware of it. All you have to do is take little steps every day for becoming happier and more stable and in time you'll find that it works. Maybe you'll have to renounce to an old way of life or learn something totally new, but there is always a way and once that you get engaged in this process, you'll be able to recognise it.

I doubt that anyone will ever be totally balanced, it's something impossible to achieve in this unbalanced and unpredictable world, but you can reach a state where you feel better about yourself and your life is back on track. You would then enjoy a love relationship so much more and if it wouldn't work out, because sometimes they simply don't or they aren't even supposed to, you'll always have your happy self to rely on. Your complete happiness should never depend on a man, or you are meant to fail and with your heart broken in pieces. Unfortunately no human being/love relationship is a reliable source for anyone's personal happiness.

It is hard for you at the moment and maybe it will still be for some time, but you're not the only one going through something like this. We're all meant to learn this lesson at some point in our lives and come out liberated, stronger, more complete and so much happier than before :-)

This is inspiring, thank you.

[bluenote99]

I can't share it with my parents. It is too embarrassing to share. My reply might sound childish but I need a boyfriend. Not a friend. I want someone I could cuddle with. I need physical affection desperately. I am dying without it. Literally dying. I have a dog so I cuddle with him all the time. Not in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong. = ) But it doesn't take that need for affection away... That's why I'd rather have a 1 night stand if a relationship was impossible. At least I would get some affection! Do I sound horribly pathetic guys?
Actually when I was riding a bike 2 months ago, there was a very nice guy on a bike who started a conversation with me and then he asked for my phone number. He wanted to ride a bike with me again soon. He called me later and I never answered his phone calls.(( I can't even explain why... I wasn't open for communication..

you seem very nice but this desperate need for a boyfriend,any boyfriend can be a little off putting,not telling you to give up the search but work on making your life full and happy as well as finding a man,i'm in pain myself at the moment from a break-up and can honestly say basing your entire happiness on the love of another person is a dangerous track to follow

[Valixy]

My reply might sound childish but I need a boyfriend. Not a friend. I want someone I could cuddle with. I need physical affection desperately. I am dying without it. Literally dying. I have a dog so I cuddle with him all the time. Not in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong. = ) But it doesn't take that need for affection away... That's why I'd rather have a 1 night stand if a relationship was impossible. At least I would get some affection!

It would be magic if you now found a guy who would give you all this love you long for, or if a few passionate nights would change how you feel, but unfortunately things don't work like that in real life. It really isn't that easy to find the love of your life, especially when so many aspects of your reality need reconstructing and if you started being intimate with a guy you liked, you'd want more and if he wouldn't feel the same, you'd be very hurt again and long even more for affection. I still think that you need to concentrate on building your life little by little and find ways to feel better about yourself and channel your energy positively before venturing in a love relationship. Good luck anyway.

[Lilia]

you seem very nice but this desperate need for a boyfriend,any boyfriend can be a little off putting,not telling you to give up the search but work on making your life full and happy as well as finding a man,i'm in pain myself at the moment from a break-up and can honestly say basing your entire happiness on the love of another person is a dangerous track to follow

Right.. you are right. But I can't function without it. And I don't want to show people on the dating site that I am desperate and I won't show it to them. I might sound superficial again but I haven't had sex for 2 years. It makes me feel that I am a failure. It is funny, usually guys write that.
Mental recovery might take 4-5 years of therapy. I've had 1 year of therapy previously and it didn't seem to help at all.
I just feel so bad for not being able to get that guy that I liked. ((

[bluenote99]

not having had sex for a while certainly does not make you a failure, you need to start liking yourself a little more instead of being so hard on yourself, there are many many decent guys out there who i'm sure would love to get to know you and any one of them could well be your special one, do not dwell on one guy who may or may not be interested,persevere and keep up the search while at the same time striving to enjoy the life you've got

[Lilia]

It would be magic if you now found a guy who would give you all this love you long for, or if a few passionate nights would change how you feel, but unfortunately things don't work like that in real life. It really isn't that easy to find the love of your life, especially when so many aspects of your reality need reconstructing and if you started being intimate with a guy you liked, you'd want more and if he wouldn't feel the same, you'd be very hurt again and long even more for affection. I still think that you need to concentrate on building your life little by little and find ways to feel better about yourself and channel your energy positively before venturing in a love relationship. Good luck anyway.

Thanks, your posts and advice are soothing.

[Lilia]

not having had sex for a while certainly does not make you a failure, you need to start liking yourself a little more instead of being so hard on yourself, there are many many decent guys out there who i'm sure would love to get to know you and any one of them could well be your special one, do not dwell on one guy who may or may not be interested,persevere and keep up the search while at the same time striving to enjoy the life you've got

You are right... I calmed down a bit now.

[bluenote99]

pleased to hear it, you're still quite young and sex in particular is not hard to come by,there are probably a hundred guys within 5 miles of you who'd give you that.love is a little rarer and is worth waiting for and i hope you find it

[Lilia]

I hope your dog will recover completely soon and so will you. The last one is entirely up to you and you owe it to yourself.

Valixy, thank you for your kind concern. That means a lot to me. My dog is getting better. He is already walking.

[Lilia]

pleased to hear it, you're still quite young and sex in particular is not hard to come by,there are probably a hundred guys within 5 miles of you who'd give you that.love is a little rarer and is worth waiting for and i hope you find it

Thank you.. Sex is not easy to come by though. Cos I want it with a guy that I like. With a nice attractive intelligent guy and those guys have very high standards. I am a pretty woman but I don't think that I am classically beautiful or outrageously attractive. And yeah looks aren't everything but I haven't got a mentally healthy personality to impress. And also there is an illusion of infinite choice on dating sites... That's why I have no success.