I met someone online (18+)

[danizephyr]

about a year ago, through a mutual friend on facebook, i met a guy online. we hit it off pretty quick and we would message each other back and forth. we would talk everyday when we weren't busy. at least just to say 'hi'. we started getting pretty intimate and had cyber sex and phone sex, exchange pics. we had established that we would keep it strictly physical, we were both too busy to have relationships. therefore, we agreed that when we met in person, we would get right to it.

he came to visit me for the first time tonight. i quickly greeted him with a hug and a kiss and let him in. we went in the room and started making out and feeling each other up. he put a condom on, and i started to perform oral sex on him. i was there for a while but i kept noticing he would loose his erection. I finally gave out and layed next to him, still feeling him up, trying to signal "what next?" and he kissed me and we started cuddling. We saw an episode of a sitcom and laughed, cuddled. and kissed. It was nice but I'm so confused!

All that planning, telling me he was horny, that he just wanted to have sex with me and as did i but we didn't. I asked him "Is there a problem? You can be straight forward with me, are you not attracted to me or something? And he said "I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you." also, he told me that he had me on myspace way before we met through the mutual friend on facebook. weird.

Well, he just left and I'm confused as hell. I still think he was trying to cop out like a gentleman. Please, can someone shed some light on this? I still think I just wasn't what he expected, I feel so embarassed and confused... i don't know what to think.

[basilandthyme]

Is this the married second cousin you wrote about http://www.loveforum.net/threads/84163-I-can-t-believe-this-is-happening!pl?highlight=

It could be any number of reasons:

1. guilt about cheating on his wife
2. the ick factor of you being a relative or
3. he found that you weren't what he was expecting
4. all of the above

[danizephyr]

no, it's not the married cousin. you really think he just wasn't attracted to me? wow. i feel horrible now. i feel like crying. it's not like i hid what i looked like. i sent him tons of pics. even candid ones.

i feel horrible. i was just trying to get a bit of attention and sexual release and now i'm confused, disappointed, and i feel like the ugliest person in the world.

[4 ratties]

He had performance anxiety. Trust me if he could of had sex , he would of. No matter what u look like, guys like sex. But he just couldn't. Maybe u moved too fast. I mean your sucking his dick a few mins after he walks in ?doesnt sound very self respectable and probably scared him off. All safe and cozy at home he probably thought no big deal about walking in and having sex right away. But the reality of it freaked him out a little bit...

[HeartIsAching]

If he's not the married cousin... then yeah, 4 ratties had it right. He had performance anxiety. If you care, then the thing to do is to NOT make a big deal out of it. Mention it not at all, or if brought up, lightly.

[danizephyr]

the thing is he we had conversations on more than one occasion about meeting and just jumping into it. he said that's what he wanted and he was the one who started to kiss me and grab my ass....

[HeartIsAching]

And? .

[danizephyr]

so performance anxiety after i rushed too quickly into something he said he wanted? so i scared him off? wow. when did meaning what you say loose its value? damn, im a woman but i have needs too and if i want to just **** that's what i'll do. im not going to say i just want to do that and then cuddle someone because i get performance anxiety. if i dont want to **** them because i ended up not being attracted to him, i would just kindly say so! besides, i made him feel comfortable afterwards. we did cuddle the whole time and we had a good conversation i'm just confused as all hell about the whole thing. how he bragged in the messages about being this some sort of sex god that will make me see the stars and how he told me he didn't believe in relationships and he was just looking to be friends with benefits. and then to drive an hour out of his way just to "cuddle"... o.o

[HeartIsAching]

No, performance anxiety because he'd been thinking about it and worrying about it all week beforehand.

No, you didn't necessarily lose him, the best thing you can do is play it off as no big deal, and let him know you want to try again.

Oh, and to quell your confusion... ask him. It's quite possible we're totally wrong.

[basilandthyme]

Ok, with a bit more information - I also wonder if it was the 'get straight into it' idea which was the problem. Perhaps dinner, a couple of drinks and some nice conversation would have added to the mood. It would have allowed him to desire you in person.

Thing is, not all guys are up for the clinical thing of getting straight into sex. It almost seems like choosing a prostitute and just having sex (NOT calling you a prostitute - just comparing the scenario)

[danizephyr]

but that's what he said he wanted! i wouldve preferred all of the above that you mention but he told me he just wanted to have sex! so.. wtf? and now, i messaged him on facebook saying i enjoyed our time together and hope we get to do it again.

he responded with an "yes, that'd be great!" and i told him i had sunday off and he hasn't replied.

[Lilia]

no, it's not the married cousin. you really think he just wasn't attracted to me? wow. i feel horrible now. i feel like crying. it's not like i hid what i looked like. i sent him tons of pics. even candid ones.

i feel horrible. i was just trying to get a bit of attention and sexual release and now i'm confused, disappointed, and i feel like the ugliest person in the world.

Please don't feel horrible! It is not about him not being attracted! Come on! He's just got problems with erection or may be he was too nervous! My friend's bf couldn't have sex with her first couple of times cos he was nervous. And then it got better. Guys get very embarrassed about it and they quit trying cos they are afraid to fail again. Believe me he was attracted to you!

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, it could be a number of things. Perhaps he was 'all talk' in the sense that despite what he said from behind the comfort/safety of a computer screen/phone, in reality, he's more reserved and your forwardness probably through him off. Most women aren't quite that forward so he probably found himself having a bout of anxiety and wondering how he would live up to the persona he had put on while you guys were simply chatting from a distance.

Unless you took very flattering photos of yourself (you know, the ones that hide ones true size etc) then he should have had a good idea of what you looked like (especially the 'candid' photos) so it's probably not that.

Try again and see how it goes - maybe take your time a bit instead of stripping down 2 minutes later. Despite popular belief, men aren't robots and are susceptible to performance anxiety, shyness and insecurity.

[danizephyr]

yes, hes seen candid photos of me before. and i specifically told him when we first started talking, "i'm not skinny, I'm very photogenic but I do carry a couple of extra pounds" and I showed him candid pics as well as flattering ones. he said "believe me, i'm around cameras and photo editing all day, I know what you look like in person and I like it." so, i just think he was just all talk. he didn't expect for me to greet him like in the "adult movies." honestly, i just wanted a night of great sex but it ended up being a disaster.