Ex Girl of 3 years still won't talk to / hates me...

[Crank]

Hi...

I wanted to post mostly because I don't have anyone close to me I can talk to... and maybe just writing some words here will help... I'll try to be concise. I'm 32.

A while back I dated a girl for a few years and the relationship was wonderful. We both were in our late twenties, had professional careers and just got along very well. I loved her very much and I know she loved me the same.

We ended up moving in together and everything was really good. Great families, wonderful girlfriend... Everything a guy could ask for.. and I knew it. I bought the house myself and after living with her for a year I had feelings like I never got a chance to really be on my own... I am a very independent person also. I lived with these feelings for a few months... I knew that I should marry this girl but something was holding me back.. and I felt that I owed her more than that... She was wonderful and deserved someone who could give her what she wanted and deserved. I was not ready to commit yet... So I did the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life and I let her go... It was very hard on me.. I was upset for a very long time... She was broken and I felt awful and had no good reason to offer her... Yes I cried when she was gone but felt that I had to.. I still loved her so much but couldn't stay in the relationship. I know she was totally blind sided, devastated and was thinking we'd be married soon.... which is what I should have done at the time...

The worst part of how it ended was that I had a close female friend at my house 2 weeks after she moved out. My ex surprised me and just walked in the door and I'll just say she was very mad and left. She decided that I must have been cheating with this girl all along and told that to her family/friends... None of it was true but I assure you no one was on my side... I understood that and just accepted it if that's the only way she could rationalize what happened and have a reason to hate me/move on... I don't know...

I never saw her again. I never heard from her again. It was terrible and I have always felt so guilty, sad, hurt and just crappy about how this wonderful relationship ended and how much I hurt this sweet girl I never stopped loving her... I never fell out of love.. I just had to let her go because I was not ready to commit... After a year had past I tried reaching out to her asking to chat over coffee, or even if I could just meet her in a park for 15 minutes because I had some things I wanted to say to her. I never even got a reply. I never got a chance to say I was sorry. We never got a chance to talk after some time had past.... I've felt so much sadness over it because I feel like we had such a loving and close relationship... I never stopped loving her... and I'm seeing that one of the hardest things in life to do is to still love someone who you have hurt

It's been 3 years and I thought maybe now enough time has past that she might be willing to just talk to me.. I was not looking to get back together.. I tried reaching out to her today through email... I at least got a reply. That she never wants me to try and contact her again and she has zero interest in anything I have to say. At least she replied this time...

How can a girl that used to love you so much... Have so much anger and hatred towards a guy who loved them equally and shared in a good relationship together... How can she not even acknowledge the time we spent together, the memories and feelings we shared... and not even have 5 minutes to talk to me or simply listen to me...

I have never felt so much hostility and hatred from someone before and it is so hard to accept because of who it is coming from

How can someone carry that much negative emotion that they are not even willling to listen to you speak for 5 minutes.... I have had a lot of girlfriends burn me over the years and after time has past, I have not held any hostility towards them and have replied if any of them have wanted to just talk...

I'm so hurt right now and depressed about it. I feel embarrassed and stupid for reaching out to her now. I didn't even go to play hockey with my team tonight... and I love hockey with the guys... :-( I'm sad and shed a tear playing some guitar tonight about it...

[Raden]

I'm not a chick but can offer some advice. Sorry if its blunt.

Some people hold on to the hate and hostility for the rest of their lives.
She doesn't trust you. She doesn't trust herself around you.
3 years is a long time to build up a good solid wall from someone who has hurt you so badly.
You and everything about you reminds her of the good life you 2 had and the hurt you caused.
She doesn't want to relive all the emotions, good and bad, and for some people .. the easiest way to avoid
those emotions and having to relive them... is to simply block them and that person out.
And the easiest way to block anything ... is to hate it and hold hostility.

[vashti]

Some things can't be fixed. Learn from your mistake, and move on, but leave her alone. She has every right to never want to speak to you again.

[IndiReloaded]

She loved you completely and you hurt her completely. Her trust won't ever come back for you. Speaking from experience. As Vash said, some things can't be fixed.

I hope you forgive yourself someday. You weren't ready for your relationship and there is nothing to regret about that. Many a wonderful couple don't make it b/c of timing. C'est la vie.

[Crank]

Thanks for the replies and input. I understand and can see all of those views... It's just such a crappy feeling. Maybe it is more about forgiving myself now... I never thought about that. It also just hurts to know what I had and lost...

Knowing that spot will never be filled again... and I will never see her smile

To add some salt to this wound or icing on the cake, however you want to look at it... When I emailed her today and texted her. The boyfriend got them both.... It all totally blew up today and was the complete wrong call. I knew she probably held hostility towards me anyhow... He tried to fake being her and replied... I knew in the first sentence it wasn't her. I know her far to well... We were very close for years. The last email was 100% her... and was the hardest to read but satisfied me the most. At least knowing that she felt that way and I didn't have to regret not knowing for sure or not apologizing and knowing she heard it from me. It was a direct reply to my email so I know she read it.

I feel like it was worth it though. Sometimes love wins and it's awsome when it does. I'll always regret the things I didn't say and do a little more than the things I did.

[basilandthyme]

If I were her, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

To be honest, it's completely beyond me why you think someone you utterly devastated would do anything for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Geeze louise. Leave her alone already. Remember, an apology is only a true apology if the *recipient* is willing to receive it. She doesn't want anything more to do with you so you need to get over yourself and move on.

[Valixy]

I personally don't think that you were ''complete bastard'' with her. You must have had some pretty strong doubts in order to finish that relationship but you never cheated her or used her. Inviting a female friend to your house for two weeks after the break up was a pretty bad move but her going around and telling both families that you had cheated on her without giving you a chance to explain yourself wasn't a very nice thing either.

Her rejection to speak to you might be a defense mechanism or a way to revenge herself, and whatever it is I think that you will have to try to accept it and find some closure through some kind of personal process. It might be hard for you for but you'll feel better little by little as soon as you stop blaming yourself. Relationships finish sometimes, it's not a crime, it's just life.

[basilandthyme]

Yep, I reckon there's a large degree of revenge factor in there.