Hurting really bad, need some advice.

[asadikeen]

Hello everyone, My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years, five months, and three weeks. She is 22, and I am 20. To be honest, over the past year of our relationship I have not been treating her very well. A lot of stuff that happens to me I would take out on her. She didn't deserve it and it sucks that I am only realizing this now. There were times when I did not know if I was in love with her because I have never been in love before, never had a relationship this long before, and never had sexual relations with anyone else. This in result made me attempt to break-up with her a total of four times but i always backed out in the end because I knew that's not what i wanted. However, It was not all bad for us. We had really good times. We should see each-other as much as possible over the past two and a half years. We also have many of the same friends which is both good and bad.

So here is where the problems began, about a week and a half ago, I called her in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep. She answered and we had a long conversation. We concluded with her wanting to break-up. I was honestly upset, but also angry so i just quickly agreed to make it seem like it didn't matter much to me. Two days past after that of me trying my best to get a hold of her but her phone would always be dead. She lives with one of my best friends, and he told me that she has not been home for the past two days. After much thinking I finally made the decision that I wanted to be with this girl for the rest of my life. The third day, I went out and bought her her favorite flowers, wrote her a sweet quote and bought her her favorite food. I left it in her room and put the food in the fridge and waited patiently until she got home to see it. She called me that same night, but i fell asleep so I called her the next morning. She told me how much she loved what I did for her and she couldn't believe that i remembered all that stuff about her. She said that no one has shown her this much love her whole life. We spent that whole day together. I took her out to a nice lunch and then we went for a movie as a double date with both of our friend and his girlfriend(the same friend she lives with). That night we cuddled and had sex. At first she was a little hesitant but i figured she did not want to rush into things, but it ended up happening anyway and it was great. A couple hours passed and she was asleep because she had work the next day, however I got a little hungry so i started munching on some chips. As i was eating, she told me to wake her up in five minutes to set her alarm. I then said "Ill just set the alarm for you", grabbed her phone and put in her password but she changed it. I asked her what her password was but she made a groaning noise like she did not want to talk and was really tired. I then quickly asked again in a more demanding voice but i got the same response. I then proceeded to ask her if she was trying to hide something from me so she quickly turned to me, grabbed the phone out of my hands, and put her whole weight on it. I got a little pissed after this so I got off the bed and went in her face and repeated myself asking her what she was trying to hide from me. She then told me to get out of her room because she had work and was so tired. I got enraged and man handled her and grabbed the phone out of her hand. She started crying hysterically, but i continued to ask her what she was trying to hide from me. She then told me that those two days we were apart, she went out drinking with a bunch of her coworkers and she kissed one guy that really likes her. She told me that she felt horrible after that and walked out the bar and went to her sisters house for support on what just occurred. I was mad and I was just about to leave, but then I remembered how much I wanted to make this work. I stopped turned around and told her I forgive her. Iv had worst happen to me in my past relationship so the pain I had was something that I could bare. I then asked her to give me her phone so I could read her text messages but she continued to refuse. I told her if you told me the worst, why cant you show me? What else are you trying to hide? She then began having a panic attack and started crying very loudly and then began to screen in a pillow. It was the craziest thing I had seen her do. I was so concerned that i decided to put everything behind me and try my best to comfort her. We ended up going to sleep after that and then I waited for her to get home from work so we can hangout again.

Everything went well, we were happy I wasn't thinking about anything negative and I was ready to put my all into making this relationship work. Things turned for the worst last night after she came home after shopping with one of her roommates (the couple she lives with, the girlfriend). I knew something was wrong because I could see it in her face so I asked her whats wrong and she went straight into her bedroom so i followed. She then told me that this is not going to work because she has some major mental issues. When she five her parents got divorced and her and her younger sister lived with her mother. When my girlfriend was a young teenager, her mother would get angry at her and kick her out the house in the middle of the night. She was then forced to sleep in parks, and for the first time ever, she told me that she got raped.. I was shocked and I started tearing up. She told me that she was so angry at her mother for doing that to her and she really needs to seek out some therapy, which she did. Her dad found her a therapist who gave her her first homework assignment but will not start for another three weeks. She told me that her last therapist she had five years ago last about eight months and worked well for a while. Anyhow, her homework assignment was to get rid of any romantic relationships she has in her life because in order to learn how to love herself, she cannot love anyone else. Honestly I sat there and tried convincing her but she seemed like she had her mind set on things, and she then proceeded to tell me she got raped which made me realize that I love this girl and cannot be selfish. After trying to win her back for almost an hour and a half, I asked her to give me a ride home and told her I would return anything that reminds me of her the following day. As soon as I got home, I got in my car and went to buy a pack of cigarettes. She saw me drive away and when she got home, she called me to tell me I left my laptop at her house. I asked her if I should come pick it up and she said yes, maybe we can have a drink together, and if you want you can sleep over. I quickly said okay and raced over to her house. I was so confused, what did she want? did she want to be with me or no? I went over her house and we had a drink and then slept. I woke up in the middle of the night and woke her up too so we can talk. She continued to tell me the same thing, she needed to go to therapy and learn to love herself before things get too bad. I know she loves me, I know she wants to be with me, I can see it in her eyes but I dont understand why she has to do this. This morning we talked again before she had to go for work. We both left at the same times and here I am on this forum writing for someones help. Should I be fighting for her? Should i give up? Im scared she will call me again tonight, but deep inside im hoping she does, but I know it will only end up in being shut down the following day. Please help me guys, I thought i was going to marry this girl, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Should I continue to leave cute love notes in her room or will this just be selfish of me because she needs to go through therapy? Any help would be much appreciated, sorry for the long essay, i just wanted to be as detailed as possible.

[cbad]

I couldn't make it past halfway of the post, but from what I can tell, the basic gist is:

She broke up with you, went out to a bar and kissed some guy, and then you made her scream in anger.

Based on how you presented things, it's not looking good. First off, you say that "I thought I was going to marry this girl." If so, then why did you act confused about it at the start and try to break up with her multiple times? Regardless of anything, at this point badgering her about her night out or whatever is not going to help things. You need to just give her time, talk to her patiently, and figure out what's going on. Don't do the whole interrogation thing, she'll just shut down and you'll end up pushing her away.

[asadikeen]

Did you get to the whole therapy part? I would say thats a much bigger issue to me that the whole kissing another guy.
If you could read it and tell me your thoughts I would appreciate it alot. I also broke it up so it would be easier to read.
Basically all i really want to know is what is the best path that I take to have the best chance at making this work?
Thanks.

I couldn't make it past halfway of the post, but from what I can tell, the basic gist is:

She broke up with you, went out to a bar and kissed some guy, and then you made her scream in anger.

Based on how you presented things, it's not looking good. First off, you say that "I thought I was going to marry this girl." If so, then why did you act confused about it at the start and try to break up with her multiple times? Regardless of anything, at this point badgering her about her night out or whatever is not going to help things. You need to just give her time, talk to her patiently, and figure out what's going on. Don't do the whole interrogation thing, she'll just shut down and you'll end up pushing her away.

[cbad]

I read a little more. She got rid of her relationships because it was a homework assignment from her therapist? That's really messed up. She needs a different therapist because her current one sucks.

[asadikeen]

I read a little more. She got rid of her relationships because it was a homework assignment from her therapist? That's really messed up. She needs a different therapist because her current one sucks.

Tell me about it. I wish I could tell her the same thing. I know I could get her through this but she doesnt want to give me a chance. I just want to support her in everyway possible. If it means waiting eight months for her, Im all for it. I cant think about anything but her. I guess this is why breakups are so tough, but having this feeling of being so sure that shes the one for me is something that most people dont get unless its meant to be.

[asadikeen]

Bump, any advice anyone? Should I write her a little poem or something to express my love for her today? Should i give it some time? Am i being selfish? Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yes, write her a love poems daily until she realizes how much you love her and finally takes you back.

[asadikeen]

Yes, write her a love poems daily until she realizes how much you love her and finally takes you back.

Do you think this will work? I just got done making her this little book about why we should grow old together. Yea I know its a little cheesy but hopefully she likes it.

[searock]

You should NEVER use your strength to make a person that is physically weaker than you do something you want and they don't want. Ever. She should have dumped your ass there and then. You have anger issues, you are controlling and frankly quite scary. Just leave her alone and I think you could use some therapy as well.

[basilandthyme]

You pushed her around, got in her face and man handled her phone from her because she wouldn't give you the password? If she's got half a brain, she will not give you another chance.

[namemyname]

Seriously! What they said!

[4 ratties]

Sure write her notes and stuff. Do whatever.
I can't believe this girl puts up with your shit. You freak out because she kissed a guy when you were broken up, physically assault her to get HER phone from her. And then don't respect her decision to need space.
You both are having fun now, but no progress will be made and you'll be in the same spot a few months from now.

[Boisdevie]

Bump, any advice anyone?

Yep. Try writing a shorter post. Getting to the point in say, less than a gazillion words.