~I Might Be Hopelessly Obsessed~

[J_1983]

What drew me to this website in the first place: Some of us carry baggage that we can't really discuss with anyone. It's not that I don't have anyone who would care to listen. It's just that I don't think these people really want to hear my bullshit. I'd rather they just know me as a pleasant person to be around, not some whiny sad-sack. Maybe that's why many of you are here as well.

I know what my friends and family would likely say to me, and they'd probably say the right things. The things you are supposed to say to someone in my situation. It's hard to view things objectively when it comes to your own deepest emotions. I am reluctant to admit to them that I've been *constantly* thinking about the same girl for a little over two years now. So that's why I'm here. Maybe I'll gain a new perspective on this, if I am lucky enough to get responses.

SO: My last relationship began in December 2009 and lasted over a year and a half. At the time, I had been single for over 3 years and was really ready to get back into a serious relationship. She was in her last couple years of college, and I was working. We lived a couple hours apart and visited each other frequently. We went on a few trips together. We shared some interests, but others not so much. At times, we had too many petty fights for my taste, and IMO, they were usually started by her getting pissy over something extremely trivial. Above all, we just both wanted a relationship that worked, so we made it work. It also helped that she was extremely pretty, probably in the 9-10 range.

We met several of each other's friends, but I definitely hung around her and her friends way more. They were all around 5-6 years younger than me, so most of them I felt like I had little in common with. There was one friend, however, who would ultimately make me feel something stronger than I've ever felt.

About a year and a half in to the relationship, I had a conscious realization that I Could Not Stop Thinking about this particular friend of hers. Whether at work or at home, She was on my mind. It crept up on me gradually over time, though I think it just hit me one day, when it broke through the realm of subconscious into the conscious.

I was working at a newspaper at the time. I had helped my girlfriend get an internship designing house ads for the paper. For one of the house ads, she decided to use The Friend as a model. When I say model, I don't mean like MODEL, but you know, just to have a face in the ad. The Friend is also beautiful, but kind of in a more ordinary way. This made my realization even more profound, because I knew I liked Her for all the right reasons.

I found myself looking at The Friend's Facebook page a lot. Thinking about how great She was, and how I wished She was my girlfriend instead. At some point around this time, I found out I was going to lose my job at the newspaper. It was a part time job that was being cut, just another cut to a newsroom already slashed to the bone. I wasn't too worried about that, though. I had other interests, and I knew I'd eventually figure it out. One night I was putting together a page in the sports section, and I used the house ad with The Friend as a filler ad. I decided to email her a PDF image of the page, so She could see what it looked like on an actual newspaper page. This happened probably right before I had the conscious realization of my obsession.

I never flirted with Her. Every time I was around Her, I behaved properly. My girlfriend was always present, and I didn't know I felt that way about Her until after the last time I saw Her. She seemed to get me from the very start. I can't really put it into words, but you just pick up on chemistry intuitively. The way She looked at me when I talked. It's almost as if Her reactions were exactly what I was looking for. Her expressions said she understood. My girlfriend didn't really get me. She certainly didn't get my humor. She rarely actually laughed when I made jokes, preferring instead to laugh at non-jokes. The times I heard my girlfriend laugh the hardest were social situations where she was trying to "make nice" with someone.

And The Friend's interests were much more in line with mine. She is a woman of taste. A TV/Sci-Fi/Literature nerd. She and I always had things to talk about when we were around each other. She was about 23. I was 28. Even though she was a good bit younger, She is very mature and intelligent for her age.

So there I was, a year and some 7-8 months into a decent relationship where I was content. And suddenly, Her.

Guys, I Never. Wanted. Anyone. So. Badly.

I had been in love before. I fell in love at 18 with a girl who was 16. We dated for 3.5 years, even when I went away to college, which was a 5 hour drive away. When my first love broke up with me, I was heartbroken. I dated some between her and my currently-under-discussion Ex, but it took YEARS before I was willing to put my heart on the line again in a serious relationship. When I met my 2009 girlfriend, I was excited that finally I felt able to be happy. She was so pretty, and I wanted very much to be in love with her. I convinced myself that I was in love with her, but, as The Friend would teach me, that was not true.

Upon my major revelation of feelings for The Friend, I quickly counseled with my sister, who is usually the first person I talk to with stuff like this. My sister is 5-and-a-half years younger than me, and she is also mature for her age. We've always been close. Maybe it's no surprise then, that I fell for someone right around the same age.

My sister affirmed what I was feeling, and said that she agreed that my current girlfriend probably wasn't right for me. I had discussed the prospect of marriage with a few close people, but these feelings woke me up. The intensity of my feelings were a beacon of truth.

I determined that I had no choice but to break up with my girlfriend. Within a few days of my realization, I did. I called her up and told her that we were too different, and it just wasn't going to work. But I did not tell her I had feelings for The Friend.

This is where things start to get ****ed up. The very next day, not surprisingly, I'm still thinking about The Friend non-stop. At this point, perhaps I should have sought better counsel as to how to proceed. I had an OKCupid profile which had been inactive for a long time (it was how I met my Ex). I get on there and find that The Friend has a profile. Of course, our match percentage is in the high 90s. (With my Ex, it was 69 percent. And we joked about how that didn't matter at all).

On Twitter, a close friend of the Ex and The Friend tweets something to the effect of: "I find it creepy when people I know find me on OKCupid, even if it's someone I like."

At this point I freak out a little. Of course, She had seen that I looked at her profile. OKC includes that functionality. And I had just broken up with Her good friend.

Probably should have just let things be at this point. But instead of that, I write The Friend an email explaining what just happened, and how I think She is super great.

There's no way this ends well, if she's the good person that I know she is.

A couple days later, I get a thoughtful response from Her that basically says no matter how great I seem to her, we can't keep talking. It was heartbreaking to read. It was like getting dumped, and I was about as depressed as when I got dumped by my first love.

Here's the thing. The email actually did seem to acknowledge that we had some sort of chemistry. She listed off things we had in common, that She thought I was a good person, and that She tried hard to downplay the "thickness" between us when we were around my Ex, which was every time we were around each other. She said I was a good person for not telling my Ex the Full Truth. The email ended with "if it makes you feel any better, just know things would be different had you and I met first."

A day later, I wrote a response. I knew this would be our very last correspondence, and it was. I prefaced it with "Before I let this go, I want to say a few things." I then apologized for putting Her in such a bad position. I then said a few other things that came to mind reading Her email. I closed with making a brief case that someday, my Ex might actually approve of me and The Friend dating. And I made clear that this wasn't some fluke, that I had real, intense feelings that don't happen every day/month/year that woke me up. And I assured Her I wouldn't push things any further.

That was the last time we spoke.

In the days/weeks that followed, Her Tweets suggested internal conflict. One read: "Just had a dream that I am positive is testing my subconscious." Another one: "I'm doing that icky thing again where I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own."

Of course, I can only speculate those were about me, but it was within a time frame that seemed to apply.

I stay true to my word and don't cross the boundary. Months go by. After months of no talking, I get a Facebook message from my Ex, a simple "saw this and thought of you" type of thing. And I started to think about my own past, and how long it took me to get over my first love. A couple of months later, The Friend enters what would turn out to be a very short relationship (I know this because of Facebook). I then make the (ill-advised, perhaps) decision that my Ex deserves to know more of the truth, because it will help her move on. She also has started seeing a new guy, which doesn't surprise me. This guy turns out to be pretty much a rebound. She puts up a tough front toward me, but I think I hurt her pretty deeply. I explain to her that the reason we broke up was that I started to have feelings for "someone". She asked me if I got with this person, and I said no. I decided to leave out The Friend's name because I didn't want to affect their relationship.

I was hoping that more information would help my Ex in the long run to understand why we weren't together. When I got my heart broken by my first love, all I got was "my feelings changed", and that never satisfied me. At least here there was something a little more concrete that would prove we weren't right for each other.

Although my intentions were good, this did not turn out well. Within a week or so, someone (I presume The Friend), confessed to my Ex that She was the one that I had feelings for, and probably also told her that I had written to her confessing my feelings.

My cue that this had happened was that my Ex had unfriended/blocked me on Facebook. The digital slap to the face. Within a week, The Friend also unfriended (but did not block) me. She has also unfollowed me on Twitter. Ouch.

I emailed my Ex and told her I was sorry and asked her if she hated me. Her response was short, and pretty much stated that she never wanted to talk to me again.

Time goes by and I still think about The Friend every day, often every hour, and sometimes more frequently. Now that all contact has been severed with my Ex and The Friend, the only insight I have into their lives is slivers of social media. That is, Twitter, Facebook friends we have in common. I know, it's stalkerish. But I can't help myself. Everything from this point on is extrapolated from social media, and I find out just how much of a desperate weirdo I am.

As I mentioned earlier, I lost my job. You could say I enter into a quarter life crisis. Unemployed, I move back home into my parents' house. My self esteem hits an all-time low. My career in newspapers is dead to me, as I decide it is not a practical future and I don't want to fight for a low paying job that will probably be cut anyway. So I decide to enroll at a technical college in the summer of 2012 to start working toward a career in IT.

During that summer, I've created an entirely new OKCupid profile. After I fill it out and answer a bunch of questions (which it uses to match you with other people), of course I can't help myself from comparing it with The Friend. But I'm not so stupid as to actually click on her profile. I already learned from that mistake. Instead, I only glance at the match percentages that show up in search results. I've answered over 1000 questions and our match is 99 percent. The first time, on a different profile, we matched in the high 90s. This time, it's 99. Around this time, She tweets: "Sometimes things are just so perfect you couldn't change them even if you had the power to." Again, can't be sure that's about me, but my brain likes to think so.

If you've read this far, I thank you. Stick with me, it gets a little weird, but maybe not completely. You decide. -CONTINUED IN COMMENTS-

[J_1983]

At the beginning of September, The Friend starts dating a guy in the Navy. He is between 1 and 1.5 years younger than She. I know this because of Facebook. I can't see Her profile anymore, but I can see Her profile picture and his name, and guess what, he has no Facebook security settings on his profile. How wonderful for an obsessive creep like me.

Many of my Ex's friends have unfriended me on Facebook, but one in particular has surprisingly stayed connected to me. He's the gay best friend of my Ex and The Friend. The three of them are like super tight. He, evidently, does not think I'm a shithead. Every once in a blue moon he "likes" something I do/say on Facebook. Around this time I even wrote a comment on one of his Facebook posts, and the response I got was "k". Then he posted again, saying "Sorry, lol, that was from [Ex]". So he clearly wanted me to know that it wasn't him sassing me, and he has not unfriended me in spite of all this bullshit involving his two best friends. We have not spoken any other words since the breakup.

The Friend continues to date Navy Dude. In November, She favorites a tweet that reads: "Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet somebody again for the first time?" Again, can't be certain who/what that's about, but it doesn't really fit the bill for Her current boyfriend. After all, why would a relationship that is working out require a "second chance" to meet? Around this time, she makes her Twitter feed private. Probably for the best.

January 2013 rolls around. Her boyfriend gets re-stationed on the complete opposite side of the country. They stay together. She visits him kind of frequently, flying out to see him maybe once a month or six weeks.

About a month or two later, my Ex requests to connect with me via LinkedIn. I find this extremely odd. To this day I am still blocked by her Facebook page. I think what happened is, my Ex created a LinkedIn account and it automatically emailed everyone in her email's contacts, and it sent me an invite without her realizing it. I accept the invite, but we say nothing to one another.

May 2013: In the middle of the month, randomly, The Friend visits my LinkedIn profile (doesn't connect or message me, just visits). It has that same functionality as OKCupid. This is somewhat encouraging, but not sure what it really means.

July 2013: A couple of months later I get a few anonymous visits by the SAME anonymous individual on LinkedIn that I determine, well beyond a shadow of a doubt, ARE The Friend. LinkedIn has this queue called "People Also Viewed" on your profile, and it lists profiles of people that were also viewed by viewers of your profile. In other words, if someone visits your profile, other profiles they have visited might show up in the People Also Viewed queue. So I get two separate visits from an anonymous person. These first two happen simultaneously. Then a week later, I get another visit from the same anonymous person. I know this because the Who'e Viewed Your Profile section bumped the anonymous visitor up to the top of the queue. It took me a few weeks later to realize that my People Also Viewed queue contained MOSTLY people that The Friend knows. There are 10 profiles listed in People Also Viewed. SIX of them were people The Friend knows. I know this because I cross-referenced on Facebook (it still lets me view who The Friend is friends with). She lives far enough away that these people are not in my circles in any way, and my Ex is not friends with them.

So that pretty much brings me up to now. I know this post took a turn for the creepy, as I have just admitted to a great deal of social media stalking, but I have strong reason to believe that The Friend is still thinking about me. She has visited my LinkedIn profile MULTIPLE times this year, though she tried to cover her tracks. Keep in mind the breakup/email fiasco went down in August 2011, and this year 2013, She's looking at my LinkedIn multiple times while still dating this guy.

So I'm trying to assess how justified my obsession is. It would probably be best for me to try and date someone new, and try to move on, but it's hard for me to shake these feelings. Also, I still live at home and I'm still in school. It sucks. I'm getting out of here soon, probably in the next few months as I near the end of school and am getting close to starting my new career. Honestly, it's been hard to date anyone living here, as women aren't too keen on 30-year-old unemployed guys who live at home, not to mention the major blow to my self esteem this whole life phase has taken on me.

She is still dating that guy in the Navy. He's 7 years younger than me, and 1.5 years younger than Her. Personally, I think he's beneath Her. He seems immature. Yet She continues to fly out to see him. I can't see them staying together in the long run, unless she decides to settle for less.

I suppose at this point I will pose a few questions. What would you have done if you were me back when I was with my Ex and discovered my feelings? Would you have confessed to The Friend? Do you think I should try to reach out to The Friend some day, when I get on my feet again? How should I approach that?

[basilandthyme]

Hi J_1983, any chance of a brief summary?

[TablesandChairs]

Firstly, you don't really know her life outside of the small snippets you obtain through social media - so you don't know who or what her comments are about.

Secondly - no woman goes out of her way every 1-2 months to fly to see someone if she doesn't really like/love the person. You don't really know what they have together - it could last forever, it could end tomorrow.

Lastly, there's nothing you can do if her loyalty towards her friend is stronger than her desire to be with you. If she was head over hills, she wouldn't have been able to help herself...but she's not, for whatever reasons.

I would get out of 'stalk' mode for a while - easier said than done, but try forcing yourself. Try going a week. Then two. You've built this up in your head but the reality is you might never get your chance. She knows how you feel, she knows how to contact you if she changes her mind.

If you like, in the spirit of not giving up, wait until you have yourself sorted and your mind is slightly clearer and then perhaps try contacting her again - if she still refuses (which I would too because it's poor form to date friends' ex's) then you'll know you tried and you can maybe finally put it to rest and move on. Not much else in it.

[toknow]

What you probably should have done differently is not tell your ex about your feelings for the friend - in certain cases it just adds to her insecurities rather than help.

Then, what you should have done, is got closer to The Friend by asking her advice how to deal with the breakup, and not that she is the reason for it. Then, as she helps you through your emotions, you would have become closer. At that point she might have started developing feelings for you, or shown that she had feelings for you.

Definitely should have done this differently. The question is what to do now.

[Boisdevie]

And the prize of longest post this decade goes to.........

[Wakeup]

Its really funny.. in fact hahahah funny, that you were with the "right" person until you were stupid enough to not put up relationship boundary crossing blocks and so you now have an emotional crush with your gf's friend.

hahahahhaha.

You'll have this happen to you over and over again, no matter who your current "right" one for you is if you don't learn about personal boundaries and then most important if you want a long term successful union, relationship boundaries that you will not cross or let anyone else cross.

By all accounts, You're not emotionally mature enough yet to sustain anything for any length of time so I suggest you don't try.

[Wakeup]

Lastly, there's nothing you can do if her loyalty towards her friend is stronger than her desire to be with you. If she was head over hills, she wouldn't have been able to help herself...but she's not, for whatever reasons.

O.o Sorry, I entirely disagree with that statement. Maybe someone who doesn't have personal or relationship bounderies might not be able to help themselves but someone who does, would be just fine with helping herself to not get in a quagmire such as this. No problem whatsoever being able to "help" herself stay within her personal convictions. These people are often referred to a good relationship material for the long haul.

if she still refuses (which I would too because it's poor form to date friends' ex's)

Don't forget its poor form to date someone who obviously has no relationship boundaries (as OP does not) and therefore.. not "good relationship material for the long haul."

[TheEvilJester]

This is definitely a tough one. I've had my share of crushes in the past, so I definitely know how you feel. When they feel very real, they don't just go away like magic when it seems like any chance of turning them into anything goes away. There is still the desire to take a chance. So, the social media "stalking" you mention doesn't sound too too bad. I'm sure we've all been there and done that, and none of us would be proud of it.

Just the fact that it has been so long and you still think about her shows that it at least wasn't just a passing crush on your part. This was really somebody with whom you wished you could have had a chance. As they say, hindsight is always 20/20, so it doesn't much help now to speculate on what you should have done then.

However, I do agree with what some others said. It probably would have been better not to tell your Ex the full truth, and was also probably not a good idea to tell the friend you like that it had anything to do with her. Going out with a friend's ex is already an iffy situation in the first place. By making her friend aware of particularly WHY her friend was now your ex, it unfortunately made it an even iffier situation. Granted, she may still not have felt it would be right to go out with you even without that, but it may have stood a better chance.

It is true that, in most cases, honesty is the best policy. But I also believe that this is not always 100% true. I think this is definitely a good exampe of when telling the complete truth really was not for the best. What good does it really do your Ex to know this? Sometimes people just aren't quite right for each other. Nothing wrong with that, and it would certainly hurt at first, but it is better to end it knowing that than to hang in there with a relationship that doesn't feel right. Simply by finding that you are more interested in her friend, you hadn't actually done anything wrong. While you are her were together, you never acted on it. So, you actually did the right thing.

It also sounds like you and your Ex (even you and the friend) were still somewhat friendly after the break-up. So, you may have been able to find a way to stay connected to the friend, and, who knows? Maybe something could have come of it.

I know that doesn't help you now, though. The only thing I can say is it may not hurt too much to send her a quick friendly message now... if it weren't for the fact that she is in a current relationship. I wouldn't mess with that. If the relationship happens to end, I personally feel like enough time has passed that it wouldn't hurt to just send a brief friendly message. I must admit, I cannot necessarily suggest what you should say in it were that to ever be the case. Perhaps somebody else can offer advice on a delicate way to try to word it. My main suggestion, if that ever became a possibility, though, would be to tread lightly. In other words, don't profess your obsession, or immediately ask her our or anything like that. Try to take it slowly. Start as friends and see if she is willing to get back in touch.

Given the current situation, though, it certainly wouldn't be a bad idea to try moving on. Try to meet somebody else, and maybe you will find somebody who will make you look at all of this drama as a blessing in disguise because it led you to her. Either way, I hope you find what you are looking for, whether it winds up being your current crush, or perhaps somebody you don't even currently know is out there.

[Wakeup]

Just the fact that it has been so long and you still think about her shows that it at least wasn't just a passing crush on your part.

WTF am I reading?

Length of obsessing has NOTHING to do with truth in feelings. Nothing!

OP: (and you to Jester) I suggest you google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it so that you know the difference between that state and love/true feelings and what Op is currently/apparently mired himself in which sounds very much like Limerence.

The Psychiatric Society is thinking of putting "Limerence in their DSM manuel and considering it to be a mental disorder to be treated.

I believe he's not stopped thinking about her simply because he's bloody obsessed and thus has made OCD thinking on her his best friend. Limerence can last up to three or more years if you're obsessed enough to hold on to your unrequieted feelings instead of doing productive things to overcome them. Op has done NOTHING but do everything in his power to NOT overcome them and stalks her through the computer and by made up scenerios that she's interested in him because a site automatically will send you everyone that is connected to who HE himself has viewed.

Given the current situation, though, it certainly wouldn't be a bad idea to try moving on.

A fking Men to that.

~I Might Be Hopelessly Obsessed~.

No "might" about it, mate.

[J_1983]

I appreciate the reference to limerence. This is something I remember hearing about long ago, and it does seem to apply. Being consciously aware of a cognitive cycle can help break it. And I am reading up on this.

However, I do not think it's fair to draw that conclusion that I have no personal boundaries at all and am therefore incapable of a relationship. That's a broad, unfair generalization because you don't know me, Wakeup. Also, it might seem funny to you, but it isn't funny at all. Try to be constructive on here. Clearly my Ex was not the right one, because if she was, I wouldn't have had those feelings to begin with. I'm not someone who just wants stuff I can't have all the time.

My Ex did not get me, so I started looking at someone who likely would. That was the lesson there.

Also, while I think your points about limerence are valid and I've put too much stock into this social media stuff and it's obviously time to break those negative cycles, I should correct you on one point about the LinkedIn page:

I have not viewed The Friend's LinkedIn profile in a way that would link her to me. I have viewed her public page, which leaves no trail whatsoever. She has visited my page multiple times completely unprompted. I shouldn't extrapolate anything from that -- it's the limerence talking -- but I understand how the website works.

HOWEVER, your overall point is taken, that all the computer stuff is negative for me. I've just got to work on replacing old bad habits with positive ones, and dating someone new.

[TheEvilJester]

Wakeup, I can agree with your overall message even if I do not necessarily agree with the manner in which you deliver said message. However, allow me to clarify one thing you misunderstood in my response to the OP. Perhaps I did not explain properly, though I had thought I clarified. In saying that this was obviously "not just a passing crush," IN NO WAY did I mean to imply that he was actually in love. In my view, no matter how much you may think you are "in love" you cannot ACTUALLY be "in love" with somebody without actually being with them. Otherwise it is just a crush.

My point was merely that this crush was obviously a serious crush in the eyes of the OP. In other words, it wasn't just like an innocent little schoolboy crush that went away the second he couldn't see her anymore. It has been a couple years and she is still on his mind. That is all I personally meant.

Though, as I have said, I do agree that the OP's best bet at this point may be to try to move on.

And, to the OP, I will say this:

It may do you good to move on. Maybe you will find somebody else who will make you forget all about the rest of this drama. Or, who knows? You may even simply be able to move on, regain some confidence, and some time down the road maybe the stars will align and you actually will be able to get back in touch with your crush and make something of it. You never know. But, given that she is in a relationship right now, I would agree that your best bet is to leave it alone for now and try to move on. Though, allow me to also clarify that.... Do not move on unless you can do so wholeheartedly. Even if some small part of you may wonder what could have been, if you are going to move on, you really have to fully move on. You can't try to start one relationship secretly still hoping a different one could have been.

Good luck. I hope you find your path.

[Wakeup]

I appreciate the reference to limerence. This is something I remember hearing about long ago, and it does seem to apply. Being consciously aware of a cognitive cycle can help break it. And I am reading up on this.

you are welcome and I'm glad to hear you're not writing off what possibly (probably?) ails you completely.

However, I do not think it's fair to draw that conclusion that I have no personal boundaries at all and am therefore incapable of a relationship. That's a broad, unfair generalization because you don't know me, Wakeup.

I base what I've said on what you've provided which is very extensive and thought out by you.

Also, it might seem funny to you, but it isn't funny at all. Try to be constructive on here.

From where I'm sitting its very funny because clearly, if you had never met this other girl, you'd still be with the girl you though was perfect for you until you let yourself become vulnerable to the other girl.

Clearly my Ex was not the right one, because if she was, I wouldn't have had those feelings to begin with.

This is THE biggest mistake you have in your repetoire of excuses. Obviously as humans we all are quite capable of loving more then one person at a time, (certainly we are capable of finding others attractive even when we are in relationships) if we were not, then no one would love their second child or third etc. Plantonic those are, but I think you get my point. That is the very reason why relationship boundaries are important and why when we are in a monogamous relationship we should not cross or let anyone else cross said boundaries because when you do, you allow yourself to become vulnerable to that person crossing/being crossed and that is when we, as humans fall for another.

I'm not someone who just wants stuff I can't have all the time.

Irrelevant, really.

My Ex did not get me, so I started looking at someone who likely would. That was the lesson there.

Really, then why didn't you leave her until you started into your "limerence" with girl No. 2?

Also, while I think your points about limerence are valid and I've put too much stock into this social media stuff and it's obviously time to break those negative cycles, I should correct you on one point about the LinkedIn page:

I have not viewed The Friend's LinkedIn profile in a way that would link her to me. I have viewed her public page, which leaves no trail whatsoever. She has visited my page multiple times completely unprompted. I shouldn't extrapolate anything from that -- it's the limerence talking -- but I understand how the website works.

Whatever. Views etc. means fk all in the scheme of things and in overall actions (or lack thereof actually) that's she interested in you.

HOWEVER, your overall point is taken, that all the computer stuff is negative for me. I've just got to work on replacing old bad habits with positive ones, and dating someone new.

This is a far healthier attitude for you to have, to be working toward to conclude all this with.

I wish you well in your journey. I particularily hope, for your relationship longevity that you learn to keep your relationship boundaries in place so that you don't allow anything like this to happen to you again.

Be well.

[Valixy]

Whatever the nature of your crush for this girl is, it has had a terrible effect on you. Should she be your real soul mate this shouldn't have happened. Real love and the real one are supposed to make you happy, because that's the meaning of life besides service and evolution. Has she stimulated you in any of these ways? No. Then she is not the real one and all this sufferance and longing of yours is an illusion, a trap of your own mind that stops you from living your life fully and fulfilling your destiny.

I am sorry to tell you but just because a girl is involved and some romantic feelings you have for her, your obsession is no different than any other terrible obsessions people may have. I met once a very intelligent special man who became so so passionate about decoding a very famous code that no-one has yet succeeded to, that for five long years, day and night, he did nothing but that. All his life stopped and his circumstances were not privileged at all. He was in big trouble actually to the point of losing his business and his house. He had to see himself getting there to finally be able to react and his life once again turned 180 degrees. Quite amazing.

About this girl... I don't care how loyal she is or was to her friends. Truth is that no-one has ever put a gun to her head that could have stopped her from showing ''the big secret love'' she could have felt for you. Maybe she liked you a little bit, but it was just that. She preferred her friend a thousand times over you and has been in serious relationship with a new guy for quite some time now. If she had been so in love you as you like to believe she was, she would have done something, she couldn't have stopped herself so easily as she did but she didn't love you and she still doesn't and never will. Whenever you feel ''closer'' to the possibility of winning her heart, hearing from her or finally being with her, you are just falling again and again under the illusion of your mind. It's how obsessions work.

Try to break free from this mind trap and get on with your life. Remember that you can't trust everything you think and feel and no-one should. Some people totally lost themselves in addictions or even became responsible for crimes against humanity for believing that just because they felt or thought something, there was truth in it and they simply gave it power.

Learn to apply discrimination to your thoughts and feelings. It's your responsibility. Don't waste your energy and life anymore for something unreal even it seems so real to you. You deserve to live your life freely and be happy above all.