Approached OH about his female friend, I'm hurt, male opinions please

[whattodo123]

Hey, apologies if this post is slightly long, I will try to just point out factors which I think are important.

Me and Joel have been together for three years now, and are living together.
I have never had an issue with him having female friends. The friend (Izzy) who I am talking about, I have never been fond of. As I know he has had issues with his ex girlfriends not liking his female friends, I have never told him my issue with her. I did however, ask him once if he saw me and her at the same level, as he took her to dinner once about 6 months into our relationship.
Izzy has a long-term boyfriend. From what Joel has told me, Izzy and her partner have had a rocky time. I have also seen her kissing two different guys on nights out, which I guess explains a little bit of why I am uncomfortable of her spending time with Joel. I was also aware that she developed some feelings towards Joel, during her rough patch. Joel told me this, although now he seems to have forgotten that he told me this.

So... a few weeks ago, Joel told me that Izzy had asked him to be her dance partner for an amateur performance. He had already said yes to her. I was immediately very uncomfortable with this idea, but took a few days to think about it, and decide whether I should say something to him. I didn't want to talk to him about it as I knew he was still tetchy about his exes having problems with is females friends. on the other hand, in my mind i was thinking, why should I not tell him if i feel uncomfortable with him doing something in our relationship?
I told him, that I am very uncomfortable and not happy about him being Izzy's dance partner. He immediately was extremely defensive and started trying to explain to me his and her relationship. I stopped him and said I do not care if he is friends with her, and that it doesn't bother me. It's the fact he will be her dance partner for a few months that I am uncomfortable with. He didn;t seem to understand this (was I being unclear here?) and wanted to explain his relationship with her in detail to me. I let him. Did I approach this wrongly? Should I have kept quiet?

The next weekend comes along, and Joel is going away for the weekend with a group of people. He told me this 4 days before.
The day he was leaving, I started to panic who he was sharing a room with and asked him. He was reassuring, however told me that Izzy had control of the rooms, and he didn't know who he was sharing with. He told Izzy that it would be preferable for him to share with another man, and it would cause upset if he shared with another woman.
On the second day he was away, he told me he was sharing with another man.
Day three, he comes home, tells me that somebody gave him a lift home. Turns out this somebody he claimed to have received a lift from, posted on facebook her trains were delayed. I told him this and he immediately confessed that Izzy had dropped him home (I went to stay with family so I got home after him).
I was upset and he apologised and said he didn't know how to tell me Izzy had taken him home.

The next morning, I questioned who he shared a room with. He started going on about izzy, and that I had hurt him by asking him who he was sharing a room with before he went away.

He has continued doing the dance thing with izzy. She would be too stressed to find another partner... he says.
He lied about who he shared his room with, he shared with izzy, and two other women.
I am feeling hurt and angry and don't know how to deal with either of these things. Do I bring it up with him again? I am having nightmares that we go on holiday and he makes me sleep in a room alone whilst he shares with izzy.
I feel like he has chosen her potential emotions of stress, over mine. I am so angry each time he goes to a rehearsal with her (once a week, not to bad i guess..)
There was a cd with her and his name on (i guess to do with the dance thing) and he covered it up when i saw it. (i guess this is him not knowing how to approach the topic with me).
Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you all for any help you can give it really appreciated x x

[4 ratties]

Well I want to start off with saying I'm 23... How old are u guys? I find the older women on here don't see problems with their husbands having female friends, but the younger girls get more upset about it. So I don't know if my opinion is biased or not since I'm still young and don't have much boyfriend experience. But I would be extremely upset. I mean my boyfriend wouldn't do these things because he knows I would break up with him. The dancing thing would be okay with me . As long as he wasnt mysteriously late from practice or whatever. But the going out to dinner alone, even once, would piss me off. And for him to share a room with three women in a hotel would very very much upset me. Especially since there were men on the trip that he could of easily roomed with. Your boyfriend is really testing these boundaries with you. What do u think u should do at this point? Maybe u should tell him he needs to tone down his relationship with her, or you can't be okay with it. He seems pretty stubborn about spending time with her and u may be right to be really concerned... He seems a little too close to her in my young opinion, maybe when I'm older id be more layed back about it

[dumbpoop]

hello! i am inexperienced and 20 yrs old. actually i am experiencing the same problems as you but on a much much milder level than yours. in my younger opinion, i feel that the dance thing and room thing totally unnecessary. it really depends on the individuals in the relationship. my limit stops at "whatever unnecessary things that may hurt the relationship will not be done". dinner... i will feel really uncomfortable. she knows. but there are times people will have 1 to 1 dinner with an opposite gender.

i feel that you handled it quite well. you should let him explain his part though. always listen and understand before making the others listen & understand. it is TOTALLY NOT WRONG to feel like what you had felt. bring it up, thrash it out and find a solution to it. don't quarrel and patch back without the issue being resolved. then again.. just my inexperienced and young opinion (if it helps in anyway, i'd be glad)

[searock]

You are right in feeling like you come second to him. He is likely harboring feelings for his "friend", they are having an emotional affair. You should break up with him because he's too immature to even realize that what he's doing is wrong.

Never put up with that sort of crap. Male-female friendships do exist, but they look nothing like what he has with Izzy.

Out of curiosity (this doesn't change my advice), I bet they keep in touch every single day?

[Wakeup]

Do you think its a freaking coincedence that he keeps losing girlfriends because of his interactions with Izzy? Tell him you're joining the "I'm so not sharing a boy with Izzy" club and he can have her.

You're foolish if you continue on in a relationship with a guy that puts his female friend as a priority, lies to you about her, shares a hotel room with her and anything else that you've not mentioned he does with her.

Why doesn't he just BE with izzy and stop tormenting other women by trying to find one who will put up with this shit and failing at it? He seems to have no problem fking with any woman's emotions but Izzy's. Twit!

[HeartIsAching]

Um...

Regardless of what he has done or didn't do with Izzy...

He's lied to you repeatedly. Frankly, that sends up huge red flags for me. I couldn't lie to my wife to save my life, which is why I never put myself in situations where I might have to lie to her.

Personally... I think it's time to run away.

[Wakeup]

He seems a little too close to her in my young opinion, maybe when I'm older id be more layed back about it

Age has nothing to do with this. Disrespect, lying, inappropriate interaction is still all those things whether you're 20 or 50.

[HDBadger]

Um...

Regardless of what he has done or didn't do with Izzy...

He's lied to you repeatedly. Frankly, that sends up huge red flags for me. I couldn't lie to my wife to save my life, which is why I never put myself in situations where I might have to lie to her.

Personally... I think it's time to run away.

Agreed. People on here have vastly different opinions about male/female friendships, but everyone can agree lying is no good.

Think hard about if you want to stay with this dude.

[okwhat2013]

I think it is totally ok to have female friends if you are in a relationship as long as no major boundaries are broken. Sleeping in the same hotel room with a female friend is breaking the boundary. However, the fact that there were other people and He actually told you makes me believe it is not that straight forward. A cheater would have simply said I slept in a room with dudes and that would be it. Cheaters are pretty good at lying and covering it up. I would probably lean to he is having an emotional affair and feels bad about it but rationally thinks, well I'm not doing anything wrong because I'm not sleeping with her, so I shouldn't feel bad about it. However, he feels quilty about it, he is trying to tell himself he isn't doing anything wrong.

[searock]

Yes he is definitely having an emotional affair, which is cheating even if nothing physical happens.

[dickriculous]

He immediately was extremely defensive

Yeah, I'd get that way if I were ****ing another chick behind my girlfriends back and thought she may have caught on too.

[smackie9]

I don't think it's a emotional affair, he is clueless or just stubborn about relationship boundaries. He has continually lost GFs because of this.....you would think by now he would realize it ain't gonna ever work.

He has been very disrespectful of your relationship. Dump his ass.

[okwhat2013]

Smackie he can be clueless but still have an emotional affair. I think that is what is probably going on. He likes it, because it is sort of cheating and he likes but in his mind he isn't doing anything wrong. Hey if you are honest about about it and you partner is ok with it then I really don't see anything wrong w it. That is not the case here, it is a problem, but I have a friend who lets her boyfriend/fiancé have sex with other women every now and then. I mean she picks the girl and she enjoys it too, and they are one of most stable couples I know. They just both like to spice up sex and neither has a problem w it. It really is about what the two people in the relationship.

[smackie9]

You have people say "oh men and women CAN be friends....." Then they turn around and start screaming "emotional affair!" and "they are f ucking!" or "She kisses other guys she must be a slut! I don't trust her." "They are alone in the same room together something has to be going on!!"

There is no telling what is going on for there is no proof of anything tbh. Whether he is or not, it all comes down to relationship expectations. He's not willing to accommodate her expectations then the only answer is to end the relationship and find someone who does...end of.

[searock]

Of course men and women can be friends, but friendship between men and women looks nothing like what this guy has with his "friend". Have you read the part about how his "friend" has feelings for him? Or how he continuously lies about her to his gf? How he feels uncomfortable when talking about her to his gf? How he is willing to risk his relationship just so he can have dance-dates with his "friend"? Really, this looks nothing like friendship. It's an emotional affair through and through.