Issues Regarding My Mother

[Wiggin]

Hello! This is my first time posting here. I'm really in need of some advice regarding a situation with my Mother.

First, I'll start by saying that I am 25 years old, have been in my current relationship for 4 years, and have a decent job which allows me to support myself while putting away money into my savings. I have lived on my own before but have not ever lived with a boyfriend. I'll also apologize beforehand if this seems a little all over the place - the story is slightly complicated but I feel it's necessary to include as many details as I can to receive the best advice.

A couple of years ago my niece became very ill and because of this my sister's other children had to live with my Mother, as my sister was in the hospital with her sick child. I moved in as well to help care for the children and support my family, both emotionally and financially. It was a devastating time for all of us. My Mother became the sole caregiver of the children for the most part and because of this, she greatly reduced her hours at work and essentially became a 'stay at home Mom', for lack of a better term. I continued to work and provide everything financially. My niece is, thankfully, much better now and the children are back with their Mom.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We are intending on moving out together within the next 6 months, however I know that this will pose some problems for my Mother and this is starting to stress me out. I've lived on my own before, but when I moved out, it put a strain on my relationship with my Mother. She didn't speak to me for nearly 4 months. I don't know what it is as my 3 other siblings have each experienced the same thing - it's almost as though instead of seeing it as her children thriving, she sees it as an insult that her children are leaving her.

I haven't told her about my plans. I know it's something I'll have to start easing into the conversation at some point soon but I am just dreading this. I pay the majority of her rent, I pay for her groceries and prescriptions, and whatever else she needs, including my own expenses. Like I said - I make enough money that I can more than support my own self but I am starting to see that it's mostly going to her and it's making it difficult to put money aside so I can start a life with my boyfriend - we've been together for 4 years and aren't living together. We feel that it's important for our relationship that we start thinking towards our future, and living together would be the next step, but it's tearing me up knowing that when I leave my Mother I don't know what's going to happen to her financially.

She's 55 years old and is basically relying on me to take care of her, and not because she is incapable of working, it's simply the pattern she's fallen into. She's done it with my other siblings and now me being the last, I don't know how that's going to work out. I often hear of people complaining because their parents are kicking them out and they don't know what to do - I wish I had that problem! I feel like I've never really had the chance to go out on my own because she keeps reeling me back in at some point. She has always been a 'squeaker' - she just squeaks by constantly, never really getting ahead. I hate to sound resentful because I know it's my Mom. I know she loves me, I know she took care of me growing up, and I know at some point we are going to have to take care of her as well. I just feel like that started as soon as we were able to make our own money, we were expected to support her, and we do because she's our Mother.

Please don't get me wrong, here. I love my Mom. I think that's why this is so hard for me. I understand the rough time that we all went through for the past couple of years but you would think that now that it's over, life would start moving on for everyone. I think she's just comfortable being taken care of and I'm comfortable doing it because I know the consequence would be not having a relationship with her, or her struggling to survive, and I don't want that for my Mom. I just wish she would make an attempt to be self-sufficient but I worry that at her age, and with her record with my other siblings, that's simply not going to happen.

I'm ripping my hair out here! I could just really use some support. I've turned to my siblings but the picture they paint is bleak - they've all gone through this, some multiple times, and they just kind of sympathize with me that I'm currently the one dealing with it. When they've moved out and on with their lives, it normally came with a period of being treated badly by our Mom as a result and eventually guilt-tripped into letting her live with them or giving her money every month.

I just want out. I want to be able to be my own person and not have to feel so horribly guilty about it. Any advice is appreciated.

[Valixy]

If your mother has repeated this behaviour for so long, I doubt that she will change now. Continue with your plan of becoming independant but prepare yourself psychologically for her reaction and try not to let it affect you too much if it's possible. When she asks you for money, do not become the main and the only person who will help her financially. She is not just your mother, you need to talk to your brothers and sisters about this and take care of her situation together. It's in everyone's interest and it would give you all some peace of mind. Maybe she could get a pension but if she needs some money to get to end of the month, you could all decide for an equal monthly amount of money you would put in and give it to her as monthly financial support. When she will be too ill to work at all and will need 24 hours care, you and your brothers will have to decide together about the best possible way to look after her just like any other family. Since you are the last one to leave the family home and due to the special circumstances of your mother, I think that you will have to speak with your brothers about a monthly financial arrangement for your mother a little bit earlier than usual.

[vashti]

I read this post yesterday, but couldn't think of anything helpful. It's a rough situation, particularly if you are a responsible person by nature, as you will feel some sense of guilt for not doing as your mother expects.

That said, is your mother in good health? If so, you might try giving her notice as to when you plan to move out, so that she can prepare herself to assume financial responsibilities, get a job, a place she can afford, etc. (If she doesn't want to work outside the home, perhaps she should start taking in kids to babysit.)

If she is unable to work, or unable to generate enough income to support herself, I agree that your siblings need to step up and contribute. She is not YOUR sole responsibility.

[Wiggin]

Thank you for your replies!

Valixy - This is my thinking. She has been like this since I can remember, and apparently nothing has changed since my other siblings were kids as well. She goes through bouts where she seems competent and is able to support herself, but only just, and then something will typically happen where she starts relying on others for help. This is fine - I know that as my mother's child I'm responsible for making sure she is taken care of, or at least that's how I was raised My other siblings have just been through this so many times and now have families of their own [they are both single mothers themselves, although much older] that they are tired of it. Which I can understand, but where does it stop? I haven't told her of my plans to move out - I know what comes with that, and I am mentally preparing myself for the fallout - but I know the time is coming and I'm trying to get my crap together.

Vashti - I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for this, and it's driving me crazy. I have seen my other siblings go through it and now they are just so cold towards my Mom. I really, really don't want that. Because of this, the majority of the responsibility falls on me, as they now see it as 'my turn'. Though I had a very different upbringing than they had. They were raised by a different father who was very free-thinking, whereas my own upbringing was a very strict, isolated, Mormon one that really puts an emphasis on the importance of family.

I would say that she is in fairly good health - she has a bit of a cough, but she smokes 2 packs a day for the last I don't know how long. She is always talking about ways to bring in money so that I don't have to pay for everything, but that never seems to happen. I know that my best bet is to give her advanced notice, which I intend to do, I'm just nervous because of what will happen. I'll be living with her still for a while after and I know [because she's done it before] that she is going to bash on everything from my job to my relationship [and there is absolutely nothing wrong with either] in an attempt to break me from moving out and agree to staying with her.

Thanks again for your input!

[vashti]

I know that my best bet is to give her advanced notice, which I intend to do, I'm just nervous because of what will happen. I'll be living with her still for a while after and I know [because she's done it before] that she is going to bash on everything from my job to my relationship [and there is absolutely nothing wrong with either] in an attempt to break me from moving out and agree to staying with her.

Then tell her you will give her X amount of time before you move out so she can prepare herself financially, unless she starts to bash on you, your job, or your relationship, in which case you will move immediately.

YOU have the power because YOU earn the money.

Sorry, I know it's hard when the parent acts like the child. I have one like that, too. You will need to learn to be more assertive, but it gets easier with practice.