How to find the strength

[unknowngirl]

How do you find the strength to walk away from something you know you is destroying you and something you know will never change.
I wish it was easy. It hurts beyond words. I know I need to leave, I have to for me. but its so so hard.

How do you find that strength?

[unknowngirl]

Finding inner strength also involves recognizing that you are valuable and deserve to be treated as such.

Thank you for your reply.
Its interesting. being with a narcissistic man for so many years has taken that away from me. I feel as though he has sucked away all of my confidence and self-worth.

[pcmaster]

I think its possible to walk away only if you know what you getting in place of it instead. Its like you have to find someone else before you can leave cause being lonely always will draw you back to a person - doesnt matter who is that person. Actually living in a prison will make you become a friends with prisoners cause theres no one else around and human beings tend to be together. In you situation low confidence is your prison that hold you back from meeting other wonderful human beings cause you dont think you are one of them.
You know I had hamster and mouse in a cage. One hamster were alone since very begining he was used to that and used to live for himself. Then I added mouse - she were used to live in a tank with brothers in pet shop so now with a hamster in cage she was looking for that socual contact. What hamster did is robbed her secret food deposits and made her fear. But still when its was time to sleep mouse always wanted to sleep together with hamster. It was funny how they was fighting every day but still sleeping together. Althought mouse body were much more advanced and she could escape cage, she still came back and always been found in same bed with abusive hamster.
You can read about co-dependacy too.

[unknowngirl]

I think its possible to walk away only if you know what you getting in place of it instead. Its like you have to find someone else before you can leave cause being lonely always will draw you back to a person - doesnt matter who is that person.

I don't want to fill the void with someone else. I've fallen into that trap before, and you only attract the exact person you were just with due to unresolved insecurities. Low confidence is definitely my prison. I don't know why it keeps me in the relationship though. in my mind I know I will be okay, I'm smart, successful, and have an amazing career ahead of me. But its almost as if my heart doesn't believe it, or hasn't caught up to my mind.

That analogy is spot on. I feel like a little mouse, I can get out, I can run away easily, but I keep going back, there is a strange comfort in putting up with it, I guess I'm used to tolerating being treated poorly, and for some reason its easier. I know its wrong, and its killing me, my soul feels broken, and I feel empty. I know I need to leave the cage, and not come back to sleep with the hamper... but finding the strength to leave and not look back feels harder then anything I have had to deal with in life thus far.

[pcmaster]

Well its not that hard all you have to do is just leave. Leave the place. Anywhere away where that person is unlikely to met. Like leave house town or even country. To heal you will need lot of time for yourself and basicaly live for yourself and find a joy in simple things. Like nature outdoors new job or pet. You will need to create some kind of shield like emotional barrier against to be less sensitive and less likely to hurt by that person. The thing is you are lacking emotional support from friends and family. You have to share this with someone who listens. Call even helpline if needed. Or better counselling in a longterm. Really if you had enought love from other sources then you wouldnt let someone to treat you this way. Anyone will tell you this. Once you meet a nice guy you gona be amazed how much better it is and the diference will blow your mind. You will not believe that you let treat yourself bad in the past. It would be easier to leave if you find your passion and share it with others. Like join cycling club and cycle a cross the mountains and places with mates. All you have to do is find or create you dimension where you feel happy. If you cant do sports then try church. Build up inner fate and strenght to be able believe in better things in your life. Once you start doing things thats really in your heart the confidence for yourself will return.

You cant leave so easy cause it will show you your weakness which is some kind of lonlyness. You have to put yourself first and dont let anyone to hold you back from becoming amazing person that you can be. Dont let others to free themself while enslaving you.

You have the power to make this life free and beautiful a wonderful adventure. Life is too short to spend with people that you feel lonely with. You dont have to be everyones friend or like everyone. You can wish all thouse people who been bad to you love and move on.

[vashti]

I'm experiencing something similar, and I have managed to stay no contact for about 7 weeks, but I won't lie: it's been very rough. At first, I was thinking like you, that I should avoid men all together until I feel better, but lately I have been wondering if having a distraction might not be a bad idea, because all I can manage to do is to obsess about this man during all my free time. I think having too much free time makes it harder.

So I guess you can wait until he does something so awful, you can use your anger as a source of strength. I have been reading a lot on this website which I found helpful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
I have also opted to get some (hopefully short-term) counseling, and started an antidepressant. (Yeah, I'm a wreck! haha)

[byro13]

You take a moment of pause, think about how your life will be after 20 years, and if you know things will not change and will be constant fight, you act. You get out out the relationship.

The first step is easy, it is easy to just do it, BUT it will be hard when you start missing your Ex. You need strength to survive that period.

[pogeybait4883]

Based on the fact that you know you need to leave, it sounds like you are half-way there. Just like smokers will tell you it is hard to quit the only way you can do something that you know has to be done is to truly put it into your head that you are going to do and and then do it. But as far as strength goes, it sounds like you already have it whether you know it or not. Now just do it.

[pogeybait4883]

Also and I dont really look at this as a great suggestion but sometimes it's easier to leave someone when you already have someone else waiting. I call this the "chimp" move because chimpanzees wont let go of a vine they are swinging on until they have another one in their hand. I might get beat up here for suggesting that but sometimes it helps to have someone else waiting in the wings. Just saying.

[unknowngirl]

Also and I dont really look at this as a great suggestion but sometimes it's easier to leave someone when you already have someone else waiting. I call this the "chimp" move because chimpanzees wont let go of a vine they are swinging on until they have another one in their hand. I might get beat up here for suggesting that but sometimes it helps to have someone else waiting in the wings. Just saying.

ha ha. you just made my day! I've never heard of anyone call that the "chimp" move before. Although I agree it can make things easier, I think that this time, I need it to be my strength and not need someone to be at the other end to welcome me. If that makes sense? I think I have lost a lot of myself in this relationship, and going straight into another would stunt my development of self even more...

Your write about "quitting" though. I seam to be in a pre-contemplative state. I know I need to leave, and yes I should just do it and "quit". But I guess I'm walking away from the life I had imagined - which I know will never exist but for some stupid reason I keep holding on...

Co-dependence I guess...

[unknowngirl]

You take a moment of pause, think about how your life will be after 20 years, and if you know things will not change and will be constant fight, you act. You get out out the relationship.

The first step is easy, it is easy to just do it, BUT it will be hard when you start missing your Ex. You need strength to survive that period.

Your right 100%, If I stop and think, I see "hell" in the next 20 years. Its odd. I feel like my head has all the answers. But my hearts trying to trick me. maybe its being comfortable, but being comfortable with emotional abuse is ridiculous. I never ever, thought I would be the type of girl to be or stay in an abusive relationship of any sort. Its almost like I've been broken down and I allowed it because I wanted things to work, but essentially its left me powerless, or at least I feel so. With no self-esteem or confidence. I know though intellectually that I am and do have so much more, but there is that little bit of doubt he has placed in my mind that makes me question myself.

For some reason, the first step is very hard.

[unknowngirl]

I'm experiencing something similar, and I have managed to stay no contact for about 7 weeks, but I won't lie: it's been very rough. At first, I was thinking like you, that I should avoid men all together until I feel better, but lately I have been wondering if having a distraction might not be a bad idea, because all I can manage to do is to obsess about this man during all my free time. I think having too much free time makes it harder.

So I guess you can wait until he does something so awful, you can use your anger as a source of strength. I have been reading a lot on this website which I found helpful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
I have also opted to get some (hopefully short-term) counseling, and started an antidepressant. (Yeah, I'm a wreck! haha)

Thank you for your reply. I hope your doing a little better. Its not a nice place to be in that's for sure. I think therapy is one of the most useful tools, and I have started that journey myself. It has given me a lot of insight, but I have difficulty doing anything with the insight ! arg.

Taking anger and turning it into a source of strength is an amazing idea. I definitely have a lot of unexpressed angry! I will have a look at that website thank you .

Free time can be a pain that's for sure, I'm not sure what your relationship was like, but I know in mine I have stopped doing a lot of the things I want to do, so maybe now is your time to do that . do everything you wanted to do when you were in your relationship that you couldn't and while it hurts now, you can rejoice which I hope I can with you, that you found the strength to leave something you know was bad for you.