Am I being insecure? Help!

[heytheresandy]

Okay there is a major thing in my relationship that is really really really bugging me.

My boyfriend rarely compliments me, in that he probably makes more negative comments towards me than actual nice ones. He makes comments on my skin and if I get a break out it is the first thing he will mention. He makes fun of the way I walk and stuff. He makes out like it's joking but even when I get dressed up nice there is no 'oh you look nice' there just isn't a comment at all, or else it's usually 'your heels are so high it's like you are a stripper'.

The thing is, he will be the first to comment on other pretty girls, that's ok, human nature and all that, but he will say things like 'she has a perfect body', 'she has a perfect face', he likes muscly girls, and I'm not muscly haha. He has even said he thinks my friends are good looking, mainly cos they have big bums which he LOVES, I don't and he wants me to exercise so I can get one
. It just hurts, and makes me feel super insecure. I was fine before I met him, I realise I am not to everyone's cup of tea, but there are guys out there who find me attractive, I just want to know why someone would want to be in a relationship with me, but not find me attractive? or are some guys just plain stupid when it comes to giving compliments? I'm beginning to forget what it feels like to be attractive to someone.

help guys xxx

[basilandthyme]

heytheresandy, he sounds clueless. Reminds me of my ex husband who didn't like a few of my body features (I show too much gum when I smile, nipples too pale...you get the idea) He'd say whatever he felt like about me while I constantly reassuring about his small d*ck. To this day, I regret not being more assertive about it all. Anyway, I don't know how to approach the lack of compliments....but I do have some ideas approaching his insults.

1. ask him if he's ever heard the adage "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". If he has heard it, tell him to live by it.

2. if he says something about a breakout say "why do you feel the need to comment on this". Seriously: press him to find out what he gets out of it!!

3. or "why are you so unkind?"

4. if he says rude things when you're about to have sex, get dressed and walk away.

5. Regarding the size of your bum, I'd be inclined to get stuck into him about that one. Exercise really isn't going to give you a big bum. If anything, the toning may even make it smaller. I'd be retuning a comment such as "my body is the way it is. If you want a big bum, then go and find a girl who's got one. But shut the F up about my bum"

6. if he says he's just messing about, ask him how he'd feel if you made fun of his lack of abs/small penis/insert whatever he's insecure about.

Having given you all these comments, I suspect that even if you can stop him from making the negative comments, you'll still know that he's thinking them. I mean, he's given you far too much insight into his brain. And that brain is thoughtless.

It's OK to end a relationship over something like this. I mean, can you imagine being MARRIED to a man who's like this? What thoughtless things may he say to your teenage daughters when they are at their most insecure and vulnerable? I mentioned my ex-h in the start of this. To be honest, it took a different man with a different attitude to make me feel more positive about my body again. Now that I'm older and wiser, I wouldn't put up with these types of comments for a moment....but it's not so easy to know the boundaries when you're 20.

[TheEvilJester]

I have to agree with a lot of what Basil said. None of us can certainly tell you what to do, and none of us know this guy beyond what you tell us. However, it certainly doesn't sound like he appreciates you very much. One of the best things you can do is to take a deep breath, forget it, and let yourself cool down. Then, when it isn't as fresh in your mind, try to talk to him about it. Guys can be idiots. I am eternally embarrassed that I am one of them. But, if you talk to him and tell him in a calm, rational way how he is making you feel, he may just surprise you. I stress calm and rational, because otherwise men tend to tune out and not listen to what you are actually saying because, as bone-headed as this is, they put it off as just nagging.

I also think Basil's advice is good in that, if he claims he is only kidding, try to ask him how he'd feel if you started belittling things about which he is sensitive and chalking it up to "Oh, I'm just kidding." In the end, if he can't get it, then maybe you do deserve better. Don't get me wrong. Nobody is perfect, and everybody says stupid things they don't mean to hurt people, but they do anyway. But, if that is all this guy can seem to do, then maybe it is time to weigh the pros and cons of this relationship and see if he is worthwhile or not. Good luck. I hope you find somebody who deserves you, whether it is this guy or not.

[4 ratties]

He's tearing u down
1) cuz he feels bad about himself
2) he's an asshole

Talk to him about this, if he doesn't get better, idk why you'd want to stay with him. Idk if u want kids or not but imagine how he'd make them feel

[IslandScorp]

There are some men (and women too) who feel superior when they do this sort of thing - criticize and put down their significant others. It a sign of his own insecurity and a way for him to be the one "in control" of the relationship. It's also a good indicator of what your future will be like if you stay with this person. You won't be happy. People in strong, good relationships care about the other person's feelings and give them love and support - you won't get this from this man. If I was in your place, I'd leave- seriously.

[TablesandChairs]

If you're not going to leave his insecure, bitchy ass, then start playing fire with fire. Unless he is the most beautiful man in the world, he's bound to have weak points. Too short? Too chubby? Ugly teeth? Small you know what? Whatever it is, start making 'jokes' about it. More than likely, he'll get nasty if you do and then you'll notice that his 'jokes' weren't exactly 'jokes'.

But at least then you'll know he's a c..nt and move on.

[Boisdevie]

He's your boyfriend so he's supposed to be on your side isn't he - you know, loving, supportive etc. He sounds like a cunt. I'd tell him to ferk off, or tell him his cock is too small and he can't sustain much of an erection.

[Wakeup]

He's abusive. My guess is if you start fighting fire with fire (if it gets to that point that it's your only means of self-esteem survival) then he will switch his abusive tendencies to something greater then verbal since that kind of need to control isn't working for him anymore.

Seriously think why you are with this man.