I slept with my best friend

[Fateless]

I'm new to this forum, I joined because I need to get something off my chest. I usually talk to my best friend about things, but....

I've known my friend Beth for years, and we are very close. We tell each other everything, we're always there for each other, and I can't imagine life without her. I have had deeper feelings for her, but I've always surpressed them. Our friendship was too important.

Beth has been seeing this guy for a few months. Let's call him Jerky McJerkerton. Jerky doesn't treat Beth very well: He considers his job to be more important than she is, and ignores her most of the time. He basically only sees her when he 'needs' something. She likes him anyway.

Last night Beth and I were hanging out at my apartment, just watching TV and talking, like we do at least once a week. Just an average night, until she started flirting with me. A little at first, and I tried to ignore it, but she kept going. I should have stopped it, but I guess some part of me wanted to. Things kept progressing, and eventually she undressed in front of me. After that there was no chance of doing anything but exactly what she wanted.

We had sex 3 times last night, and twice this morning. It felt......right, like it was meant to be. Every romantic feeling that I have ever had for her came to the surface. I wanted to be with her. I thought I could be, thought she would dump Jerky for me.

But I guess not: She called two hours ago, gave me this speech about how it was a mistake, she didn't want to ruin our friendship, she's still with Jerky McJerkerton......Blah blah.......

Beth is not the cheating type, and she doesn't sleep around. So why now? Why with me?

So now I'm left with a broken heart, and our friendship probably is over. I feel used, depressed and alone. I both love Beth and am extremely angry with her. I know this is my fault too. I should have asked her to leave last night, and taken a cold shower or something. I never thought I would sleep with another Man's girlfriend, and I never thought this would happen.

My life is difficult enough, now it's become a cliche from a bad romantic comedy. Except I seriously doubt there'll be a happy ending.

So.....any advice?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell her the friendship is done. She can date you or stop talking to you forever.

[polemikos]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you Fateless. I can't say why she did that to you. Perhaps she felt that you both knew each other too well for a relationship to work, not enough mystery or some such nonsense. Or perhaps taking you on as a lover means losing her closest confidant. One thing is for sure though, she clearly doesn't reciprocate the same feelings you have. I don't know, women are complicated. I've been in a number of long term relationships and now I've been married for some time and I can tell you that every time I try to switch my brain into “understanding women” mode I get a nosebleed.

One thing I can tell you though, NEVER be best friends with women that you are attracted to. It's impossible for men to be best friends with women they are attracted to. Love for men is one part attraction and one part close emotional bonding and vulnerably, and in the situation you described above, both things were in play, it was only a matter of time. That is why I always find it a bit dubious when I hear a man and a women talk about being “best friends”. I know the women is capable, but it's just not in the mans DNA. Then there is the really underhanded sneaky snake friend who is really in love with the girl but plays the friend, but really just biding his time waiting to pounce at a vulnerable moment, despicable. I hope that wasn't you, and if it was, well then you got what you had coming to you.

My best advise to you would be to step back and cool off. If she wants her friend back, tell her he's gone, replaced by the real you. The man you always were. The man who was in love with her.

[Simpo]

If I was in your position I would tell her what you think of her bf and tell her to basically choose to either try a relationship with you or lose a good friend. It seems harsh but she has brought this on herself by taking things past the point of friendship. You clearly care about her more than just a friend and now that she has shown that she has or at least part of her feels more than friendship with you. Being best friends and being bf/gf can make an amazing relationship since you are basically just adding more affection, care, trust and intimacy into your already great friendship.

This may sound strange but you are the real guy for her but she is in denial and you need to make her aware of what you can give her and what she is missing out on being in her loveless relationship just now.

[Fateless]

Then there is the really underhanded sneaky snake friend who is really in love with the girl but plays the friend, but really just biding his time waiting to pounce at a vulnerable moment, despicable. I hope that wasn't you, and if it was, well then you got what you had coming to you.

No, that is not who I am. I'm not a lovesick 18 year old. Sure, I had feelings for her, but I didn't truly love her until we slept together. I was completely willing and able to ignore, forget and/or get past those feelings for years. Her friendship really was that important to me. But can she say the same thing? She either has romantic feelings for me, or she was using me. Maybe both. I'm not saying that I didn't make a mistake, I shouldn't have slept with her. I feel terrible about all of this.

I just wish I knew what she was thinking. Maybe she does have feelings for me, and it scares her. I don't know anymore....I don't know why I was able to ignore my own feelings until last night.

That ultimatum suggestion sounded like a bad idea at first, but now I'm considering it. We crossed a line, and I don't think we can go back to how things were. I'll wait another day, I was hoping to get a female perspective here, too. Maybe a woman could tell me what's going on inside the mind of another woman.

But I think I am going to tell her.

Thanks for the advice guys, it's been helpful.

[Simpo]

Definitely talk to her about it since it has clearly impacted your friendship and left you with a lot of questions and some of which she can help to answer

[michelle23]

1/. stop being best friends with women. jeez how much of your life have you wasted on her. you could have met someone else and been v happy if this "friend" was never in your life.

you need to tell her the friendship is over coz ur always gonna want more. and tell her you are angry coz you feel like she used you and hurt you

tell her if she wants to waste her life on dirt bags that are gonna treat her like crap then she has issues and if she cant appreciate a nice guy who has genuine feelings for her then its her loss

[horndog]

I doubt your friendship with Beth is over. She is just freaking out over what happened. I say give it a week or two and I have a feeling that things will get back to normal and I would not be surprised in the least if the boyfriend exits the picture and you two become a couple.

[polemikos]

I doubt your friendship with Beth is over. She is just freaking out over what happened. I say give it a week or two and I have a feeling that things will get back to normal and I would not be surprised in the least if the boyfriend exits the picture and you two become a couple.

If that were the case, wouldn't the more reasonable response have been to tell him that she was confused and needed some time to sort things out. Or almost any response would have been better, less hurtful then the one she gave. Hell even a no contact policy would have left room to wonder. But to ignore what had happened and go back with the douche she knew he didn't like, well... That is either freaking out on a level that would beg the question of her sanity or it is a very high level of douchebaggery.

[horndog]

Look, You said the girl is not the cheating type and she just screwed around on her BF. She is freaking out, no doubt. Seriously, you need to just give it some time to sort it out. The last thing you will EVER be able to do is figure out and rationalize what's going on in her head right now so you might as well not even try. Trust me she may appear to be ignoring what happened on the outside but its probably all she is thinking about on the inside. This is your opportunity to just play it cool and let things progress at her own pace. Don't be a dick and just let her sort her feelings out.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm new to this forum, I joined because I need to get something off my chest. I usually talk to my best friend about things, but....

I've known my friend Beth for years, and we are very close. We tell each other everything, we're always there for each other, and I can't imagine life without her. I have had deeper feelings for her, but I've always surpressed them. Our friendship was too important.

Beth has been seeing this guy for a few months. Let's call him Jerky McJerkerton. Jerky doesn't treat Beth very well: He considers his job to be more important than she is, and ignores her most of the time. He basically only sees her when he 'needs' something. She likes him anyway.

Last night Beth and I were hanging out at my apartment, just watching TV and talking, like we do at least once a week. Just an average night, until she started flirting with me. A little at first, and I tried to ignore it, but she kept going. I should have stopped it, but I guess some part of me wanted to. Things kept progressing, and eventually she undressed in front of me. After that there was no chance of doing anything but exactly what she wanted.

We had sex 3 times last night, and twice this morning. It felt......right, like it was meant to be. Every romantic feeling that I have ever had for her came to the surface. I wanted to be with her. I thought I could be, thought she would dump Jerky for me.

But I guess not: She called two hours ago, gave me this speech about how it was a mistake, she didn't want to ruin our friendship, she's still with Jerky McJerkerton......Blah blah.......

Beth is not the cheating type, and she doesn't sleep around. So why now? Why with me?

So now I'm left with a broken heart, and our friendship probably is over. I feel used, depressed and alone. I both love Beth and am extremely angry with her. I know this is my fault too. I should have asked her to leave last night, and taken a cold shower or something. I never thought I would sleep with another Man's girlfriend, and I never thought this would happen.

My life is difficult enough, now it's become a cliche from a bad romantic comedy. Except I seriously doubt there'll be a happy ending.

So.....any advice?

Yup. Tell her you don't think it was a mistake - that you love her. Because you DO. Let yourself love her, let her know that you love her. Your love doesn't have to ruin your friendship... I sleep with my best friend every night.

[Fateless]

1/. stop being best friends with women. jeez how much of your life have you wasted on her. you could have met someone else and been v happy if this "friend" was never in your life.

Lol, wow. So you must think that I was following her around like a lost puppy for years, huh? I thought I made it clear that wasn't the case. We were friends, nothing more. It is possible for a man and woman to be friends, or at least it was with us until this happened. My last relationship lasted 5 years, and I have had other girlfriends in the time I've known Beth.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound annoyed, and I appreciate the advice. It's just that I do not have a problem getting a date. I don't need to trick my friend into sleeping with me, like polemikos thought I might have done, and I don't need to hang around a girl for a decade on the slim hope that she'll date me. I had no ulterior motives with Beth.

I hope that clears things up.

Look, You said the girl is not the cheating type and she just screwed around on her BF. She is freaking out, no doubt. Seriously, you need to just give it some time to sort it out. The last thing you will EVER be able to do is figure out and rationalize what's going on in her head right now so you might as well not even try. Trust me she may appear to be ignoring what happened on the outside but its probably all she is thinking about on the inside. This is your opportunity to just play it cool and let things progress at her own pace. Don't be a dick and just let her sort her feelings out.

You make a lot of sense. All of this was completely out of character for Beth. She probably is freaking out. I guess there's no rush, and demanding answers that she might not have yet could makes things worse. I'm just so aggravated by the whole thing that I want answers now, but maybe that isn't fair of me.

If that were the case, wouldn't the more reasonable response have been to tell him that she was confused and needed some time to sort things out. Or almost any response would have been better, less hurtful then the one she gave. Hell even a no contact policy would have left room to wonder. But to ignore what had happened and go back with the douche she knew he didn't like, well... That is either freaking out on a level that would beg the question of her sanity or it is a very high level of douchebaggery.

This is also a good point. Why didn't she tell me that she needed time? Did she just freak out and say what she said without thinking it through? Should I ask her if she needs time?

I guess I should think this through some more. Thanks again, everyone.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's the only one that knows what she was thinking, and is probably confused about it herself. Treat it as she's dead, and who knows maybe she'll be resurrected in a few weeks, months, or years. Back off continue living your life. You may not have been a puppy dog after her then, but you are now.

[Wakeup]

I doubt your friendship with Beth is over. She is just freaking out over what happened. I say give it a week or two and I have a feeling that things will get back to normal and I would not be surprised in the least if the boyfriend exits the picture and you two become a couple.

Jayzus... I can almost see them galloping off on his white steed now.

But to ignore what had happened and go back with the douche she knew he didn't like, well... That is either freaking out on a level that would beg the question of her sanity or it is a very high level of douchebaggery.

Wait, what?

[michelle23]

i wasnt implying that you were trying to get with her the whole ttime. im just saying men fall for their female friends all the time. its better that your female best friend is your gf/wife and then have male friends coz men nd women are never "just friends" especially if one or both of you are attractive