Advice on marriage?

[JVail201114]

My husband and I let his sister and husband watch our 2 year old so we could have a night out to ourselves. My husband's mom went out of town for a night so we were able to stay in her house near the beach for a night away with each other. We went to dinner and a movie and went back to the house. I had went out and bought a thong a few days prior as a surprise for my husband. We had talked about me wearing a thong a while back and I thought it would be a nice surprise to spring on him during our night together. I'm recently back to work from a doctor's orders bed rest and he's starting school tomorrow so we decided to take the labor day weekend and enjoy ourselves.

I put on the thong without him knowing and was incredible nervous about showing him. I really don't know why I felt so nervous to be sexy for my husband. When I told him I had a surprise for him, I stood in front of him and asked him, "Remember when we talked about me wearing a thong?" He said, "Yeah?" and after that I became lily-livered. I was looking to the side and laughing nervously. My husband asked me what and I said I'm nervous. He told me I didn't have to be so I just sucked it up and got up on the bed and got on all fours and said, "Well I went out and got one." He lifted up my shirt a little bit to get a closer look and told me it looked nice and that it really fit them. He then preceded to lay back on the bed (after hooking up the XBOX that I okay'd him to bring) and said that we needed the break that night. He had messed up his leg somehow a few nights ago and it was really bothering him last night.

So needless to say, my entire plan had just imploded and left me feeling really silly for even trying it. I was second guessing even doing it because we were tired but I figured what the hell. I got up to go change and he said, "You're not going to go change are you?" I told him yes and he asked me why and I told him I wasn't going to sit there in a thong when we weren't going to do anything. He said he could take care of me and I told him that that wouldn't help because I had a whole scene planned out for us and there was no point in him taking care of me and not doing anything else because that wasn't part of the plan. I let it go and I guess it lingered today and it's made me a little bit depressed. My husband eventually figured out what was bothering me and we talked about it. He told me that if he would've known than we wouldn't have done anything the night before we left. I told him that I didn't tell him because it was a surprise and I went out specifically just to get the thong for our night together. I was kind of taken aback that he had said that if he would've known about my surprise than we wouldn't have had sex a few nights prior. I'm thinking, "We're going to pick and choose our sex nights?"

I have a hard time telling people when things bother me and I just let it sit inside of me until I feel like talking about it. I didn't want to be THAT woman who makes a big deal out of something not going her way so I just let the whole thing go but I guess it affected more than I thought. I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with our second child and we have a 2 year old right now so getting away is hard because we start missing him a lot when we're away from him. It didn't feel like any kind of day/night together (except for dinner and the movie) because we did the same thing we do at home: ex. playing XBOX when our toddler is in the room with us. I'm not saying we had to be wrapped around each other the entire time we were together and having sex, which is why I let him bring the XBOX. As it is, I have a hard time being affectionate to my husband or anyone for that matter, except for my son. I have come to the realization that I love my husband but I'm not IN LOVE with him.

Any thoughts?

[Valixy]

Most couples have had moments like that. Our romantic life is so conditioned by so many external and internal factors that it's almost inevitable not to encounter some setbacks sometimes. Just because your partner is not in the mood one night, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive. It's diffcult not to take it personally but you should try. It could have been the other way around, him planning secretly a romantic night with you but you having a flu all of a sudden or just wanting to enjoy a relaxing evening. There will be more opportunities to wear them anyway, right?

[JVail201114]

valixy, thank you for responding to my post. I know this setback doesn't mean that my husband doesn't love me or find me attractive. It took a lot of courage for me to step out like that and I guess the way the situation ended just let me feeling silly for even attempting to be sexy LOL. My husband told me that we would have another day to ourselves.

[HeartIsAching]

First off... how old are you two? If he's in his 40's or later, it could be an issue for him to have sex more than a day or three in a row.

Second, you had an expectation regarding your sex life, and were disappointed when it wasn't met. Sometimes these things just DO happen in a marriage/long-term relationship.

His reaction was insensitive, but I'd be willing to bet that his leg was hurting, and he was tired and wasn't up for fooling around... but he should still have been more appreciative. My wife's got a wonderful (in my opinion) philosophy about such matters. She says "If my husband buys me lingerie, he wants to see me in it" so occasionally I get to be greeted by her in a lacy babydoll... and even if I'm tired, I DO try to be appropriately appreciative, even if that means that I fall asleep nuzzling her.

Kudos to you for having the courage to do it. I'd suggest that you try again... and maybe communicate a little more clearly in advance. Maybe say something like "You feel like foolin' around? I'm wearing my 'special' underwear!" *nudge nudge, wink wink* or some such.

[JVail201114]

Thanks for the reply. We are in our late 20's. My husband is 29 and I'm 26. I know his leg was bothering him and that he was tired. I was probably not smart to even bring it up :p. Your wife has a great philosophy. In my case, I bought the "special" underwear, not him. I don't know what appropriately appreciative is, but he told me it looked good and that it fit me.

[michelle23]

has your sex life always been routine? or has it gone downhill in recent years?

you both need to spice it up and be more spontanious. sounds like he uses the stupid xbox as a way to destress when really the best thing for that is sex with you.

you need to make a BIG effort to let go of your walls. flirt with him more, giggle together, have fun, hug for no reason, kiss regularly, cuddle on the couch. you need to be more affectionate and intimate in general. it makes you feel far closer and not just room mates and it also helps add passion and spice to the bedroom.

i know at 20weeks pregnant sex is likely not your no 1 priority which is okay but get more intimate now on a personal and emotional level. and make more time for sex when you can.

you could try reading a book together "10ways to save your marriage" or something similar.

it sounds like your both stuck in a rut, perhaps you have forgotten th little important things that you did when you first met. if nothing improves then try sex therapy or relationship counselling when your back on your feet after the baby

good luck

[HeartIsAching]

Thanks for the reply. We are in our late 20's. My husband is 29 and I'm 26. I know his leg was bothering him and that he was tired. I was probably not smart to even bring it up :p. Your wife has a great philosophy. In my case, I bought the "special" underwear, not him. I don't know what appropriately appreciative is, but he told me it looked good and that it fit me.

I know you bought 'em, and wanted to surprise him with it.

Properly appreciative would be at least a leer and a grope.

[VerticalMoon]

I think this sort of a thing happens in every marriage. Neither of you are wrong. You just had different expectations for that night. I know you were hoping for a stronger reaction for him. Often times, when we plan things out in advance, they just don't work out the way we imagined them in our head. It's normal to feel disappointed. You just have to do your best to let it go and look forward to the future, though. Dwelling on it doesn't accomplish anything.

I can tell that your husband is trying because he offered to take care of you and wanted to talk about it afterward. I wouldn't take the comment he made about how he would have waited the night before too personally. My husband sometimes wants to space out our time together so he can fit in his video games. I'm the same way with some of my hobbies as well, so we each try to accommodate the other. If it really bothers you, you can talk to your husband some more about it and see if you can work out a compromise. But you shouldn't take it as a sign that he doesn't love you.

It's always good to talk about things before they get to the point where you're really stewing about them. I know it's hard some times, especially when you're afraid to stir up trouble. You also had the added element that you were already feeling shy about putting yourself out there in the first place. It might have been better if you'd discussed things more the night you were upset, but you did the right thing by discussing them the following day. Now you'll both have a somewhat better understanding of what to expect from each other when you're in this situation. Hopefully it will work out better next time.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to give the opposite advice to Michelle and suggest that scheduling sex can work really well when you're married and tired with a family. Spontaneous may be grand when you've got nothing to worry about other than yourselves, but when you've got more demands on you it can work well to book it in.

Had you made it known you were looking forward to a little lovin' on your break, this whole situation could have been avoided. And even if his leg was proving just too sore, he would have been able to let you know wasn't up for it but would love to next time you get a chance.

[IndiReloaded]

Kudos to you for having the courage to do it. I'd suggest that you try again... and maybe communicate a little more clearly in advance. Maybe say something like "You feel like foolin' around? I'm wearing my 'special' underwear!" *nudge nudge, wink wink* or some such.

Everything HIA said *but especially this*^. Try again. You tried something new and it takes practice, like anything else. All will be well, you sound like you love each other. Enjoy!

[KingZ]

Both Indi and HIA are teenage girls. I wouldn't trust anything they say on the matter.