hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[smackie9]

I will say this tho, if nothing changes then of course counseling would help heaps but that is personal choice.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

she just needs us to give her some reassurance to help her through this tough time. Is that too much to ask??

Reassurance that her cheating boyfriend isn't cheating. Riiiiiiight.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup she is not messing anything up by just coming here and expressing her feelings. It would be different if she was contantly confronting him about it and questioning him at every turn when he is on the computer or on his phone.....she just needs us to give her some reassurance to help her through this tough time. Is that too much to ask??

She is doing all that, smackie. She checks his phone constantantly and everything else you've said "it would be different" to. It's too much to ask anyone to enable her to do what she's doing. Not telling her that what she is doing is counter productive to her own healing is enabling.

The opposite of any enabling would be people who encourage her paranoia. At this point, being here isn't helping her much.

[smackie9]

I never said it's ok for her to be spying on her BF to begin with, but verbally beating the crap out of her isn't the right solution. Reassuring her to not worry so much isn't enabling this behavior...like I said it's going to take time to get over these feelings, because she still feels raw. Just because she struggles with it doesn't make her a bad person, and that it's usless being in this relationship. It's a mess still ya for sure, but Rome wasn't built in a day. She is just going to have to keep working on to stop being so scared. Like I said give her a break, she needs time to get her head straight, and so does he.

Do you think she likes what she is doing? no! Does she know it's bad for her to be doing it? hell ya! Do you think she feels guilty for doing it? I'm sure she does....she probably feels terrible. But her emotions are playing a huge role in this. This whole thing that has happened has destroyed what she thought of their relationship.....that's a pretty devastating thing and now expected to just "deal with it". Sorry I know you guys may mean well but god damn....

[smackie9]

Reassurance that her cheating boyfriend isn't cheating. Riiiiiiight.

If he is still cheating or wanted to continue with that relationship I'm sure he would have just called it quits with the OP. There is nothing to be gained by staying and make an effort with the OP .... if he was THAT unhappy it would just be pointless.

[michelle23]

im with smackie. telling her to stop being paranoid is impossible. and he f**ked up-not her so if he does bail bcoz of her paranoia then f**k him, this wont go away over night and he has to deal with it or go. WU you make it sound like its her fault by saying shes pushing him out the door. hes lucky she didnt do that already

sorry if im not the most trusting person in the world. i wouldnt trust my bf anymore if he emotionally cheated and i would assume the worst that he was either a) contemplating leaving me for her b) at the v least kissed her or c) both

and i would go coz i would NEVER get the doubts and paranoia outa my mind if i stayed

OP you are still in shock. i still think a holiday to clear your head would be good for you as well as a session on your own with a counsellor

[smackie9]

Only time will tell if this works or not......

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he is still cheating or wanted to continue with that relationship I'm sure he would have just called it quits with the OP. There is nothing to be gained by staying and make an effort with the OP .... if he was THAT unhappy it would just be pointless.

Smackie, you say this like you have not been here for years watching people do exactly what you are describing.

[Wakeup]

No I don't think she likes what she's doing that's why I'm telling her to stop doing it.

She's being dumb IMO and I'm sorry if we disagree (doesn't happen often) but I've said what I think and if she wants to keep doing what's she's doing after what I've said what I think then that's her perogavtive. Right now she's her own worse enemy.

She'd do well to go see her doctor, tell him whats been going on and getting referal to a councellor or some mild anti anxiety pills to get her through the roughest of patches she's going to need to transition through. Coming here and telling us that his computer went from sleep mode to non sleep mode and then figuring that means he's still in contact with her is futile in her healing. Besides, how the fk would we know the answer to that anyway? Our answers don't help her... expecially those that are fueling her angst with their own baggage that they still carry around. Like michelle for instance.

No one is telling her she should be over this by now... I'm certainly not, I'm just telling her to stop being ridiculous (as in her latest update and paranoia).

Only time will tell if this works or not......

of course and it will be more quickly to end if she keeps on looking for reasons to think he's still going on with this chick. Thing is, he'll get fed up with being accused/questioned or through her emotional disconnect and he'll leave her anyway.

[michelle23]

i dont have any past angst. this isnt about me. but the bloke has cheated. what am i supposed to say? forgive and forget? as if its that simple? um no! iv been in her shoes. i dumped him as soon as i suspected without any proof even though iwas proved right a week later, got over it in 6 months-moved on and met a wonderful man who i trust with my life.

no regrets whatsoever. thats my experience and id never tell anyone to stay where they are miserable. sorry if you dont like that WU

[Wakeup]

No, actually I'm sorry you don't like what I see in your posts. You telling her that her computer going out of sleep mode is him still being in contact with her is not helping her. As for the rest of your post above, you are harbouring much baggage from your being cheated on and it comes out in every post here in this thread and every other one about cheating. The point is, She has chosen to stay with him so why are you encouraging her paranoia instead of talking to her about changing her mind-set?

I think she should leave as well. But that is not what she wants to do. In that case, OP: stop with the micro-managing. Give it a rest for a week, concentrate on him and how he is treating you and then see how you're feeling after that. No looking at his phone, no computer stalking, no paranoid thinking time to strive towards regaining your trust of him rather then looking for reason why you shouldn't trust him.

[josie33]

thats interesting u say u think i should leave him. up to this point u said i took my job issues out on him n we should work it out. u didnt think itit was the be all and end all and have had a pop at everyone who suggested it. u think now his behaviour warrants leaving?

[michelle23]

i never said that was any sign of cheating. i didnt even respond to the sleep mode post. i dont care what you see in my posts. to me its unforgivable. im not gonna encourage something i dont believe in and i am trying to be supportive. i told her to see a counsellor and get away for a bit to clear her head so shes in a better place to make clearer decisions and be sure shes making the right choices now.

encouraging her to be all loving, go on dates etc is stupid IMO coz she cant do any of that without being sure she trusts and forgives him. i think he needs to suffer. she should have kicked him out for longer and let him proove he is committed. he should aready be in counselling. he should be working his ass off to show her hes sorry. hes not doing that. he has not learned his lesson.

[Wakeup]

[quote]

thats interesting u say u think i should leave him. up to this point u said i took my job issues out on him n we should work it out. u didnt think itit was the be all and end all and have had a pop at everyone who suggested it. u think now his behaviour warrants leaving?

I think your behaviour warrants you leaving him. I know it takes time to learn to trust but you aren't utilizing any strategies to help you there. What you're doing is causing you to have even less trust. A computer going out of sleep mode is no reason for you to think he's been in contact with her.

What have you actually done to help yourself get closer to being able to trust him? Have you did any research? Have you read any articles on how to overcome? Has he been involved in reading any of these articles? What are you doing that is actually on the up and up with him (not behind his back like snooping and stalking or coming here and venting) that will help the two of you to regain the lost emotional connection?

It doesn't matter what I or michelle think you should do. The point is you have chosen to stay so now it up to you (and your guy) to do the work to make this union a angst free and happy one. Just coming here and hearing things that fuel your paranoia and mis-trust isn't going to help you very much. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

Further: People telling you that he is ****ing with you and still in contact with her (how would any of us even know that?) and others who would never be able to get over this kind of thing and therefor continue fueling your paranoia is not helpful. I agree telling you to just get over it is just as useless.... I have not been saying any such thing. I simply lost patience with your inability to get past your need to snoop and mis-trust so much still that you micro-manange on a high level. Stop that behaviour as hard as it will be, focus your energy in finding ways to resolve, not on things that are counter-productive to your peace of mind.

[Wakeup]

Michelle.. you agreed with the poster who did say it was a red flag. I'm not here to entertain your back tracking and I'm trying to have a decent discussion with the Op that is on topic so please don't bother it's not important to the issue at hand whether or not you did something.