Physical vs emotional affair, which is more damaging to a relationship?

[polemikos]

In another thread I told a story about a love that I lost years ago. In this story I had been dating this women for some time, we were madly in love but my moral weakness and fondness for tall women with long legs took hold of me one night and I slept with her regrettably. The encounter was purely sexual, and it was a one time thing. In fact we would, as far as I knew at the time, never see each other again. It was a one night stand. It was purely physical, and it had no emotional value. It was an act of moral turpitude but it showed on my face as soon as I got back home from my trip. Soon enough my girl knew something was wrong with me.

I simply was not built to carry that kind of guilt around, so I confessed. Now I have to admit, normally I am a stand up guy, but this is one of those times where I have forever regretted telling the truth, but I did. She went three different kinds of ape shit. And to be honest, I really don't blame her.

But here is the rub, the one thing that I never really understood is that in her mind, she never made a distinction between a purely physical affair or an emotional affair or an affair that went all the way with both. She found them all equally hurtful... I was shocked. I really thought that if I came clean and she understood that it was purely about the sex and my own weakness and not about her or our relantionship at all, that she would be mad sure, but eventuality find it in her heart to forgive me at some point.

I was sorely mistaken... :-(

From what I have read here on these forums I have seen varying opinions on this subject of physical vs. emotional affairs so I thought I would open it for discussion. What do you think?

michelle23 already had this to say in another thread of mine:

Ill just add that an a purely physical affair is way worse than an emotional one in my opinion. You threw llit all away just for sex? Its disgusting! Id deal far better if i thought he actually had feelings for her. Id still be like f**k you dont come back but at least he didnt toss me in the garbage just for a shag..
i think thats narcissistic- "it meant nothing, just sex, forgive me" its not that simple mate. cheating can literally destroy a person. i know from experience. it f**ked me up temporarily. i got over it though coz i know i can do better then thhat bastard

I found this logic just as shocking as my lost loves. Perhaps some of you could explain this for me?

[namemyname]

To a man, it would be physical.

To a woman, it would be emotional.

Me personally? They both are deal-breakers.

[michelle23]

well maybe when karma bites you on fhe ass and it happens to you-you will understand. there is no logic. it hurts because it hurts. as humans, most of us are possessive over our partners. to me physical cheating hurts more coz sex isnt just a physical release to me. it means more and i wouldnt care whether it meant something to him or not. youd worry is she more attractive, better in bed? does he think about her still? does he fantasize about her? shes a nicer ass, bigger boobs, he wants to go back for more. he will do it again

you have no emotional intelligence and i bet your a typical player who thinks you can just say sorry and it makes it all better. it doesnt. it prob destroyed her confidence

[Simpo]

I feel physical cheating is worse than emotional. I happened to be on the receiving end of an emotional affair near the end of my relationship with my ex and it really was hard to go through and discover it but in my head I thought at least she hasn't actually cheated on me and that there was room for us to fix what she had done and work on the relationship.

Being with your partner after knowing they had been with another person would make me sick and I would find it hard to even look at my partner after betraying my trust like that.

Both are equally bad and disgusting but for me physical is slightly worse.

I would have to agree with michelle23 here on that one.

[searock]

I think most guys would be more hurt by physical cheating and more girls would be more hurt by emotional cheating, however it would hurt a lot in both cases. I personally wouldn't forgive either of them.

Physical cheating is unforgivable because it shows how little you care about your partner that you are willing to betray her trust just for sex. It means that to you, meaningless sex is more important than your partner's trust and your relationship.

Emotional cheating is a deal-breaker because it means the relationship is over. It simply means that the cheater has decided long ago that his/her relationship was pointless, and he/she has gone elsewhere. By the time you realize an emotional affair is going on, it's already too late. It's a coward's choice: they don't have the balls/ovaries to break up with their partner, so they embark in an emotional affair. It's incredibly disrespectful, immature and cowardly.

[Idainaru]

Both of them are equally disgusting, and there is no difference. You betray your partner, and hurt him.

Physically - having your partner nailed by someone else in pure satisfaction, which you thought you share with him (him or her, not important), imaging them sweating, licking, screwing...having orgasms and curling leg toes by pleasure attacks...touching someone else the way he/she touches you...tingling....its equally terrible as

Emotionally - having your partner thinking all the time about someone else, sharing deepest thoughts, desires, fears...imagining someone else when looking in your eyes, dreaming someone else when sleeping with you. Waiting for his/hers call, message...Desiring his/hers voice...being close to him/her, feeling almost love as it was with you...

What dont you get here? Which of those two would you prefer your girlfriend has with someone else??

[4 ratties]

Everyone's going to have a different opinion of course, like you said. If you want to hear mine, I would be more hurt if he had a physical affair. Idk something about sex is very personal for me and my bf and if he did that with someone else it would mess with me more than him texting another girl having an emotional affair. If he loved another girl and we broke up then okay, ill go find another bf who loves me and they can be together... But for him to still love me but go have sex with someone else.. I could never forgive and that would hurt me more. Because if he loved me and not her, how could he do that to me? Just my personal feelings.

[horndog]

OP, The problem with your question is that many of the people you are asking advice from have extreme views on what an emotional affair is. Its easy to define physical cheating but for many here simply developing a close friendship with an individual of the opposite sex is considered an emotional affair. It should be interesting to see what you get for responses. Just for the record though, in my opinion its the physical cheating that would be worse for me.

[searock]

horndog, so far everyone has said that either physical affair is worse, or that they are equally bad.

[polemikos]

Well thank you for all of the replies, they have been very informative. I'd like to put a little thought experiment out there for folks to think about.

Consider the following three scenarios:

1. A partner masturbates while they are fantasizing about someone other than their partner perhaps it's a coworker, or the neighbor that lives across the street.

2. A partner goes to a strip club and pays the stripper to have lewd contact with them, no actual penetration, but genitals/breasts are rubbed all over the partner in exchange for money.

3. A partner visits a prostitute in Las Vegas. No emotional attachment at all and almost anonymous, just an exchange of sex for money.

Now, in all three of the above scenarios fidelity, by definition, was broken, and yet I've seen in other forum and I've heard many people claim that the first example at least, is OK, and the second is not a deal breaker. I'm sure however, that the third will cause everyone to jump up and cry fowl. I hope you can see where I'm going with this. Either we say that none of them are OK, which would mean that about 90% of men cheat and I suspect a very high percentage of women as well, or we need to re-evaluate what is important to us.

Yes your partner penetrating someones genitals with theirs is hurtful and unfaithful, but what is more hurtful, when they seek out a moment of sexual gratification with another or when they give their heart to another? Understand, I'm not saying we should allow our partners to cheat, just that perhaps we should realign our prospective a bit.

Now the crème de la crème as they say would be both. If it is both physical and emotional, well then I guess you're fuc*ed.

[searock]

Well thank you for all of the replies, they have been very informative. I'd like to put a little thought experiment out there for folks to think about.

Consider the following three scenarios:

1. A partner masturbates while they are fantasizing about someone other than their partner perhaps it's a coworker, or the neighbor that lives across the street.

2. A partner goes to a strip club and pays the stripper to have lewd contact with them, no actual penetration, but genitals/breasts are rubbed all over the partner in exchange for money.

3. A partner visits a prostitute in Las Vegas. No emotional attachment at all and almost anonymous, just an exchange of sex for money.

In the scenario about masturbating, fidelity was not broken. Everybody fantasizes about somebody else, it's normal and has nothing to do with fidelity.

Both the stripper and the prostitute scenario would be deal breakers for me.

Yes your partner penetrating someones genitals with theirs is hurtful and unfaithful, but what is more hurtful, when they seek out a moment of sexual gratification with another or when they give their heart to another?

As I said, if you cheat on your partner just to have meaningless sex with someone else, it means that your relationship and your partner's trust are even less meaningful than the sex you just had. If sex with another person is really so meaningless, surely you wouldn't go ahead and do it since you know fully well that it would betray your partner and ruin your relationship.

[polemikos]

In the scenario about masturbating, fidelity was not broken. Everybody fantasizes about somebody else, it's normal and has nothing to do with fidelity.

Interesting, so fantasizing about someone else whilst reaching sexual climax is not breaking fidelity with your partner, but I bet if you were holding a naked picture of your neighbor while doing it, it would be. What's the difference, imagined or real? And I'm willing to bet that if most partners walked in and cough their partners doing it they would feel more than a little awkward about it.

[searock]

Interesting, so fantasizing about someone else whilst reaching sexual climax is not breaking fidelity with your partner

Not if you're masturbating by yourself.

but I bet if you were holding a naked picture of your neighbor while doing it, it would be. What's the difference, imagined or real?

In one case you're simply fantasizing, it's something you almost can't help. In the second case you deliberately printed out a photo of a person you and your partner know specifically to masturbate to it... that's plain creepy. There are plenty of porn (and non-porn) images on the internet, there really is no need to use a picture of a person you know in real life.

[horndog]

Consider the following three scenarios:

1. A partner masturbates while they are fantasizing about someone other than their partner perhaps it's a coworker, or the neighbor that lives across the street.

2. A partner goes to a strip club and pays the stripper to have lewd contact with them, no actual penetration, but genitals/breasts are rubbed all over the partner in exchange for money.

3. A partner visits a prostitute in Las Vegas. No emotional attachment at all and almost anonymous, just an exchange of sex for money.

My opinion

1. no harm
2. Gray area. depends on the views of your partner.
3. Again, gray area. but for most this would be a deal breaker unless you are in an open relationship.

And then you said:

"Yes your partner penetrating someones genitals with theirs is hurtful and unfaithful, but what is more hurtful, when they seek out a moment of sexual gratification with another or when they give their heart to another? Understand, I'm not saying we should allow our partners to cheat, just that perhaps we should realign our prospective a bit"

Interesting. Using that train of thought then would a woman waiting until her hubby leaves for work to pull out her vibrating dong to masturbate also be cheating? lol.

[Valixy]

The first scenario would bother me more, I'd feel more jealousy probably since it would relate more to our life and I'd consider that he could develop a bigger attraction and feelings towards that neighbour/co-worker. The three stuations would be deal breakers though.