why limit yourself to only one?

[indigosoul]

It occurs to me as I scan the forum that many of the posts are of the sort:

Jane likes/love Paul but also likes Joe. Or Paul love Jane but also likes Sue, etc. With all the ensuing drama.

My question is: Why the big deal? Why are we so stuck on exclusivity in relationships? I don't believe that you can only like/love one person at a time, so why not love/like more than one? Not saying to cheat, be honest, but wonder why we are sooooo stuck on this concept that we have to only be with ONE other person at a time, forever, etc.

I mean, if we think rationally about it, and try to ignore the primal, possive urges, is there REALLY anything wrong with being with more than one person at once? WHY is it wrong? In modern society do we really require monogamy? If so, WHY? Maybe we are allowing our biologic programming to rule our thinking on this. Just food for thought.

And no, I'm NOT a mormon (and have nothng against those who are). Just opening a new discussion.

[LightOn]

why one? Because few people want a person that wants more than one.

[cu_tigers90]

You can only have a relationship with one. You can go on dates with as many as you want and they can't get upset because y'all ain't made it exclusive yet.

[nomas]

We've talked about this a few times, but I cannot recall the threads because sometimes they're off-topics..

It's a matter of culture. Most of us live in a society where monogamy is what's considered morally correct. If you deviate from that thought process, you're viewed upon as "wrong" because that's not what the majority thinks and a people are not easily changed. They stick to what they're used to...but we are becoming more liberated, as you suggest.

That's the easy explanation. It doesn't mean it applies to everyone, but it applies to most. You won't find many people to agree with your reasoning, logical as it may appear.

As I've stated before, I happen to be one of those who tries to see things as you suggest above..logically.

Now everything is as complicated or as simple as you want to make it. You can throw a couple of other issues into the mix: children being the biggest one. What do you consider to be an appropriate upbringing for a child? In this love triangle...or love square you've set as an example, does the child have two fathers and two mothers? Again, I would agree there is only precedent to argue against having this but nothing concrete.

Having said all of this, this isn't a new concept. Swingers practice what you proposed. You, my friend, are labeled a swinger...

[indigosoul]

why one? Because few people want a person that wants more than one.

<sigh> This is not an answer. Merely a restating of the problem. I want thoughts about WHY this is so. What's the reason/advantage (assuming there is one) for only one.

e.g. In the past, women have traditionally stayed home w/the children while the male went out & provided financially for the family. Some might argue this left the woman in a potentially vulnerable position if her male were to leave. Given that many women today are financially independent, one could argue this is no longer a valid reason for the woman to want exclusivity/monogamy. Again, just for example.

???

[indigosoul]

We've talked about this a few times, but I cannot recall the threads because sometimes they're off-topics..

It's a matter of culture. Most of us live in a society where monogamy is what's considered morally correct.

Having said all of this, this isn't a new concept. Swingers practice what you proposed. You, my friend, are labeled a swinger...

Good response Nomas, but again, noone seems to want to touch on the REASON(S) for this bias. We KNOW polygamy is considered immoral by many cultures... but WHY is my question? I think as a society, regarding relationships, we are unconciously being limited by (perhaps) outdated biological programming.

RE: being a swinger... ha! Just b/c I pose the question doesn't mean I necessarily believe it. I'm actually happily (and monogamously) married. But I do always question my REASONS for how I live my life. Even if I then choose to do the irrational.

[Illusional]

porn stars are the only ones who can legally get away with having sex with a lot of different people, but still keep one relationship. damn they are lucky.

raverboy

[Only-virgins]

I do not want to be with a person that doesnt devote them-selves to only me. Waste of my time.

[indigosoul]

I do not want to be with a person that doesnt devote them-selves to only me. Waste of my time.

This is totally valid. But ask yourself: WHY do they need to devote themselves exclusively to you?! And WHY is it a waste of your time...?

[Only-virgins]

WHY do they need to devote themselves exclusively to you?!

1.)Because I love them and they love me.
2.)It hurts to see them with someone else.
3.)Your supposed to be together as support as well.(kind of would suck when you are hurt in a hospital and your GF is out on a date with someone else)
4.)Why not is just as good of a question as to why.
5.)If you ever have loved anyone you would not ask this question.
6.) Eventually people want to settle down..better example for kids and a better enviornment to grow up in.
7.)Did I mention it hurts?...cause it hurts like hell when it comes to a friday night and your loved one is busy enjoying someone elses company.

This can go on for ever.

And WHY is it a waste of your time...?

Because when I am the only one with her I know that all effort is given towards only OUR relationship. If she is dating all these people then ...yea..that really makes me feel special...might as well get a pet

[tooxshort]

It's a natural instinct to want to be #1. It's almost like ownership.

Say you own a car that you worked your ass off for, would you want to share it with anyone else? You work for a relationship, so why would you want to share?

They don't HAVE to devote themselves to just me, but I guarantee none of them will be with me if it's otherwise.

[Junket]

Why not?

If polygamy(?) works for you and your partners, awesome.

If monogamy works for you and your partner, awesome.

[ALovelyLady86]

porn stars are the only ones who can legally get away with having sex with a lot of different people, but still keep one relationship. damn they are lucky.

I agree with a lot of what you guys are saying except this one post... it really reminds me of what I saw on Playboy TV

They mention that they love sex, and love having it with multiple people, but they also say that its extremely rare that any porn star ever have a serious relationship outside work because of jealously. They say its one or the other, and that for the most part when a woman or man in the industry decides to settle down, they leave porn.

I think it really all comes down to emotions... feelings...

[indigosoul]

1.)Because I love them and they love me.

- again, this is a valid statement of feelings, but not a reason. As you say, you love your pet too...

2.)It hurts to see them with someone else.

- OK, this is getting closer, but again, WHY does it hurt? What is it that you NEED that makes this hurt?

3.)Your supposed to be together as support as well.(kind of would suck when you are hurt in a hospital and your GF is out on a date with someone else)

- you don't think this about your parents, close friends, etc.... if they cared (and they could) they could still drop everything to be w/you. SO's have jobs, go away on trips, etc. and aren't always there at the drop of a hat...

4.)Why not is just as good of a question as to why.

- I completely agree. But I haven't heard any better explanations for "why not" either... this is just restating the question...

5.)If you ever have loved anyone you would not ask this question.
-
this is an incorrect conclusion. You have no data to support this. I ask lots of questions that don't necessary reflect my PERSONAL beliefs... Its called stretching ones mind... :amused:

6.) Eventually people want to settle down..better example for kids and a better enviornment to grow up in.

- OK, I can relate. But, again, WHY does it matter, except to conform to mainstream societal values... some cultures castrate females & they think this is perfectly reasonable...

7.)Did I mention it hurts?...cause it hurts like hell when it comes to a friday night and your loved one is busy enjoying someone elses company.

- again, this is getting closer, I think... but WHY does it hurt, WHAT do we need so badly from another that we lack within ourselves...
[/QUOTE]

I think that deep down we need to feel ownership/control over another person to make up for our own insecurities. I think this is a big source of tension in relationships, b/c you can never, of course, ever really control another person. I think if we were more secure in ourselves, and really understood who we are, ourselves (not defined by our relationship w/another person) that a lot of these problems we see on this forum would go away. Seems simple, but not really, I think. Still developing this idea, tho, so thought appreciated...

[Illusional]

yup it's all about feelings and trust. take swingers for example. they don't mind sharing their partners, and they get something in return. it's how one will view multiple sex partners.

raverboy