How did this happen ???

[IWS2013]

Hi all,
Here is the situation I am in. I've been dating this lady I met back in January, and in my 40 years, I've never met a woman who blew me out of the water like her! I was married for 8 years, dated someone after my divorce, but I have never met such an intelligent and driver woman, who says certains word I have never heard from a woman before when she is wrong; she says "I'm sorry"!

Anyway, last year, she lost her Dad, and it hit her hard. She gets emotional often and tears up, and when she drinks, she gets extremely teary and sad. I can't imagine how that feels. Another thing that happens when she drinks is she becomes very argumentative and belligerent, and somehow, I always get goaded into battle, no matter how hard I try.

Getting to the point; this girl has shown me love I have never seen before from any woman, even my ex-wife of all of those years. When she looks in my eyes, I melt. We often said we were soulmates, and I thought it was corny, but it really seemed it, with us calling and thinking the same all the time!

Recently, perhaps the past month, I've noticed a shift in her patience with me. I was just laid off, but we knew it was imminent. In her previous relationship that ended a few years back, her Ex did nothing and she worked (she works for a fortune 500 for over 10 years). I am wondering if she ius having flash backs?

During the summer, my 6 year old son was with me every other full week (she has no kids, but my son loves her). The weeks he is not with me, I have been unofficially staying with her that week at her place. All was good and that was ending with school coming back and the every other weekends with him starting, but on this last Saturday night with her, she was drinking, got cranky, we fought, and she told me that this full week situation evolved into something it never should have and that she feels overwhelmed,

We did not talk the next morning, and I packed up and left. Of course, my car overheated by her place (Fate?), and she came down with water for the radiator. We wound up going up by her, talking and getting intimate and she apologized for what she said. When I got home to pick up my son for the week, she kept sending me these lovey dovey messages and the sayings about relationships people post on Facebook. All was good for a couple of days.

However, I was busy with my son and also job searching during the day Monday, and she was upset I couldn't pick up the phone to call, and said she doesn't trust me in her gut and doesn't want a part-time boyfriend who only contacts her when it's convenient for me. Uggh. She does not have kids and does not get it sometimes, so I let it chill overnight. Tuesday was quiet, and then Wednesday, we were texting and I called during the day and invited her to my sons party Saturday. Never got a confirmation, but I let it sit for a few hours.

We are late owls, so we spoke around 2am and she said she can't believe I am acting as if nothing is wrong (???). ABout the party, she said she doesn't feel comfortable with the whole family party now (she met my ex before - no drama), and she told me she feels smothered! I always encouraged her to see her friends and go out, take classes with her friends...etc...so I am far from smothering her! I said I don't know what to say after you wait until the last week of summer to tell me about the week by week issue, and yet, you are upset when I don't call you? I jokingly said "OK...I get it...you're not IN love with me", and she said YES she IS in love with me, but something is just not the same recently. I told her I understand, and let's just take a break. She said why can't we work through it, but in my gut, I felt the "be friends" thing not too far off, and I figured it was the right time for action. So, I told her I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. I don't sense another guy in the picture, but lord knows, since this is crazy,

I removed her as a friend in Facebook, sent all her calls to voice mail, muted all texts from her, and then totally removed her photos and contact info from my phone (backed up, but out of site). She called today, but I saw it was her # since I deleted her image and contact name.

Was I too drastic? OR....was I one step ahead of her?

Do I do 60 days of NC? 30 days (since I might have gotten the jump on hearing worse things from her)?
Note: during the 8 months with her, I did not lose my identity, and kept working out and improving myself, so I don't need NC to get myself back. I am not DISTRAUGHT, but a little blindsided and sad over what happened.


Any suggestions?


Regards,
ER

[smackie9]

So sorry you had your dreams squashed. Even tho we find someone that makes us swoon, jump for joy and make us feel like never before...it can sure turn real ugly. Hey shit happens....this is why we "date" people. You find out what they are really like, and as bad as your situation was, you made the right decision to get out of something that would turn so toxic. Good for you....and I suggest keeping her out of your life. You really need to move on and find someone that is more should I say....stable?

[IWS2013]

Thanks for your very nice reply !!

I just had a blocked text which I should NOT have checked, and it said this from her:

"Once again, there's no excuse for my actions. I apologize for everything I put you through and for the things I said. I realize that I've pushed you so far away and ended the one thing in my life that actually made me happy and a better person. So from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. There's no need to respond, because I know we're done and there's no reason to prolong the inevitable. Just know that I do love you...but at this point that's probably irrelevant."

OMG - don't know what to think/say/do??

[smackie9]

She is trying to manipulate you into caving in to her....don't do it, stand your ground, don't reply.

[IWS2013]

I respect that, and you are probably 1000% right.

But will she give up on contacting me?

Someone told me; "Are you insane? You meet someone who makes you feel like no one ever has before, and your response to some tension in the relationship is to cut off all contact with them? Well, good luck with that. No wonder you don't know how it happened. "

Yikes...I'm so confused

[michelle23]

No matter how perfect you thought she was-the reality is she cannot accept your son or your ex wife still being a part of your life. That is enough reason to move on and forget about her. You do need a woman who will welcome him and not be so overwhelmed. Shes not mature enough to deal with your past baggage. Perhaps you should consider meeting a single mum when you start to date again as she will be more understanding

[IWS2013]

But the issue is that if she was feeling a bit smothered...two days later, she tells me; "Your the one that creates the distance and disconnect when were not together especially when you have your son. That's on you and there's no excuse for it. So keep blaming me for my "so called" insecurities because I'd rather not have a part-time boyfriend that I can only speak with when its at your convenience".

We were doing a small family thing for my son's birthday Saturday, and he really likes her. She indicated Weds night it was just too overwhelming for her.....so I saw a lot of bad signs all of a sudden....which is why I put a halt on communication to make her realize how she is jumping off on something we have together.

[smackie9]

I respect that, and you are probably 1000% right.

But will she give up on contacting me?

Someone told me; "Are you insane? You meet someone who makes you feel like no one ever has before, and your response to some tension in the relationship is to cut off all contact with them? Well, good luck with that. No wonder you don't know how it happened. "

Yikes...I'm so confused

Obviously that person doesn't really know the whole story and has never experienced a situation as this. This woman has horrible coping skills...it's "possible" she has a drinking problem. Out of the blue accusations, insecurity, abruptly leaving a situation in haste then turning around apologizing are all symptoms...just my perspective.

You are confused because when you are in love it's so hard to fathom someone who made you so happy now makes you so miserable. I know it's difficult to even explain to your son what is going on with her, but you are right to protect him from this other person she has become. It will be tough right now with everything that has happened, but I assure you, going NC is the best thing for the both of you.

[smackie9]

But the issue is that if she was feeling a bit smothered...two days later, she tells me; "Your the one that creates the distance and disconnect when were not together especially when you have your son. That's on you and there's no excuse for it. So keep blaming me for my "so called" insecurities because I'd rather not have a part-time boyfriend that I can only speak with when its at your convenience".

Again more manipulation. Don't worry she will eventually go away once she realizes her tactics will not work on you. This is learned behavior from her childhood...this is how she has communicated with people in her life...that's why she is this seemingly wonderful person, that is still single. She is a destroyer of her own happiness but blames everyone else for it.

[4 ratties]

She sounds a bit insecure, It doesn't sound like u have the time or will to have a needy gf. For me personally, it's harder than I thought dating someone with kids. So I can relate to her, but she sounds like she's too needy and jealous of your kid and busy life. She wants to be your number 1 and she can't be.
No contact does seem drastic but it's the best way for someone to move on. She should find a guy without kids and can make more time for her. U guys are just not compatible.

[VerticalMoon]

Your relationship had changed, and the requests she was making from you weren't things you could reasonably do. If she wasn't willing to accept the changes in your relationship, then it would have been a matter of time before she left you.

She did mostly go off on you when she was drunk. So it's possible she was just using you as an easy target when she was mad. In that case, do you really want to be with somebody who'll use you as their punching bag whenever they're drunk or upset? She needs to make some major changes before she can be a suitable dating partner for anyone.

[IWS2013]

She just texted me about my son's birthday... to let him know that that she's thinking about him to wish him happy birthday

[smackie9]

Don't reply......

[toknow]

I say, don't push it. You taught her a lesson and that's fine, but if you continue to ignore her for too long she will eventually live you alone.

If she makes good money, don't be surprised she is insecure about people using her, even you. You respond to that with love, and her insecurity will disappear.

If you care for someone you will make time to reply to their phone calls, messages, no matter how busy you are - there is just no excuse.

[IWS2013]

How would you reply?