hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[michelle23]

confront him about what?

[josie33]

whether hed been using it to communicate with her

[michelle23]

A language translator? Does she speak a different language? Has he had any contact with her since the last time you posted here?

[josie33]

yes shes not english. he tells me he hasnt spoken to her. hed been showig me his phone

[michelle23]

If she speaks a different language, then yes ask him why has he been using a translator on the computer

[Wakeup]

so thngs have been going well. hes been using phone in plain sight. not late home etc. turns phone on/off in front of me except on one ocassion at weekend as he said he forgot n turned off although dnt think he wd havr had time to do nething. this morn though i noticed on internet hist there was microsoft translator - the person he was seeing was not english. the link is broken - the page no longer exists e.g old. makes me wonder if he did look up translators or if the page was opened by a diff site? he was looking up voucher codes yesterday n they do churn up some junk. do i confront him? he was on pc when i got home doing shopping. his phone was still off.

You said yourself the link was old. Stop micro managing his phone. No don't confront him. If you're curious, then calmly ask him.

This newest post from you is not an update. This is just the same old stuff from YOU. Tell us, how have things improved. What have you both been doing to get the emotional connection back with one onther. Snooping and being paranoid and then coming here and getting paranoid validation is NOT working to get things back on track.

Have you gone on dates, concentrated on one another rather then T.V./Computer etc?

[josie33]

i meant old as in it doesnt work. it was frm yesterday

[Wakeup]

Okay, but that doesn't mean that you have immediately think that he's up to something.

Something isn't adding up in YOUR story, never mind his, Josie. Please don't type in text speak, it's annoying and hard to read. (thank you).

Anyway, the person he was seeing must speak english to be able to get a job where your bf works, No?

So: What have you been doing to get the emotional connection back in your union. Lets talk about that instead of what you find in his phone. Which is unhelpful because we don't have the answers to those questions so anything anyone here says will be based on their own conjecture (or fears whatever the case may be). You need to ask him that and you need to make the decision yourself whether or not that question is worth asking.

[smackie9]

Using the phone in front of you, doesn't prove a thing, he can still delete conversations or phone calls. You are not with him 24 7. And it's obvious there are other ways to communicate with each other. Like I said it's going to take a long time to let her go emotionally, even if it's true he hasn't talked to her. Wakeup has a good point...tell us what improvement have there been in your relationship?

[josie33]

we have been having date nights every weekend. having massages like we used to. sleeping in same bed which we havent for a year (praise ear plugs). he keeps asking me to relax and checking im ok - asking if theres anything i am struggling with.

[josie33]

so how do i see past thr paranoia? im convinced everything he does is decietful now. i am nervous when he is not around but i hate the idea of mothering him

[michelle23]

that was my point from the start. i dont see how you can learn to trust again or to forgive or forget. for me it would be impossible. i know some people manage it (aparantly) but we dont see what goes on behind closed doors. i think if you really want to save this then get counselling together. its probably your only hope and a small hope at that

he needs to learn a better way of dealing with relationship conflict. when the going gets tough-you dont bail and line up a plan B. its wrong and i have 0 respect for people who do that so like i said before-id be cutting my losses but i know your not ready to do that and people here keep telling you to do the impossible (focus on moving forward) but you cant do that without first dealing with this head on, getting all your qs answerrd, figuring out if you even believe whether he is telling the truth or not and trusting that he wont do this again next time your relationship hits a bump in the road

its a LOT of hard work and i dont think someone who brok your heart is worth the hard work and effort. thats my 2cents but get couples counselling if you are gonna stay

[Wakeup]

Its not even been a month for you to learn to trust due to his actions that show you that you can trust him. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Without therapy or marriage councelling, it's going to take much longer then it would if you were getting those things that would help YOU. So: be patient as you work on your relationship while watching his actions of love and noticing that he is showing you no red flag behaviour..That's how you learn to trust again, by his current actions and attempts to remedy.. not by looking in the rear view mirror and OCD thinking on the past. So be patient and observant ~ Or, get out now and quit wasting everyone's time.

[josie33]

ok. its difficult. he doesnt use his phone like he did. but now when hes on pc im digging for things. yesterday i came home the pc was in sleep mode. he was outside n came in to say hi. i went upstairs to change clothes. when i came back down 5min later hes back outside n the pc was on no longer asleep. i convinecd myself he checked while i was upstairs he'd left no internet history i wouldnt want to se had been deleted. he swears blind he did not touch pc at all. its ridiculus. i know im looking for things but the other half worries hes found a way to talk to her online. he says im being paranoid.

[Wakeup]

That's funny.