Advice on getting back with ex?

[SqueamishPuppet]

To sum it up, me and my ex were together for 3 years and she broke it off. Its been a little over a month now and she decided she really does want me and wants to get back together and make things work. During the breakup she told me how her feelings for me had changed and she wasnt "in" love with me but still loved me. How we werent right together and all this. Now she that she wants to get back together she just makes it seem like I should forget all the things she said while we were separated.

She got mad when I told her I want to be together but I'm hesitant because of the things she told me. She said "well if your not going to give me a chance than we might as well not get back together" but thats not it. I told her I just need sometime to just see how things go with her. She joked about buying a house and I told her I didnt want to do any thing committed right now with her because I wanted to take it slow. Which see got upset at also.

She was seeing this other guy while we were broke up and they had a small trip planned (her idea) but then she decided she didnt really like him and would rather go with me so she broke it off with him and we went on the trip together. That is how we kinda got back together. We had a very good time and everything was pretty normal again. Im just so hesitant to have her back because of what she told me her feelings were during our break up.

What do I do? I want her back but my trust in her feelings has been very hurt by all this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Hold your ground. Tell her if she can't be patient and understand that she really hurt you then she needs to just piss off right now and forget about a relationship. Do not even give her the title of bf/gf right now. That's my professional opinion


My personal opinion is you keep her around for sex until you find another girl, then tell her you're done with her.

[basilandthyme]

Puppet, I'm linking to your breakup thread because this really needs the context of your breakup http://www.loveforum.net/threads/83204-Is-there-anyway-to-get-her-back?highlight=

She's delusional if she thinks you can just waltz back in with her as if nothing went wrong. Frankly, taking your time and watching carefully is eminently sensible.

I'd be very wary of taking back someone who thinks that they can toss me out like yesterday's garbage and then have me back without me being wary. Her actions tell me that she's got some huge sense of entitlement happening. Not to mention that she seems to have no concept of how she hurt you. She's acting like a spoiled brat.

On top of all this, it seems like she's still rushing to have marriage and the whole thing. I strongly suspect she's more in love with the idea of marriage than of the idea of being with you. You're only 23 - please listen to your gut feeling.

[Ginger2013]

I think she's panicking because she's lonely and realizes she probably had a good thing going. I'm sure she does still love you, but when a person takes the big step of breaking off a 3-year relationship, they've thought it through. They know their reasons. She made her reasons clear, now she's having doubts and wants to take it all back. No, you can't take it all back. And her getting upset because you want to take things slow and not make a huge commitment is kind of immature on her part. She likely thinks you can't live without her and she can get you back with a few sweet words. I'd keep my distance for a while and if she's really serious, she'll continue to prove her love to you at your own terms I think.

[SqueamishPuppet]

Thank you basil for linking the other thread.

I feel the same way that she doesnt understand how much she hurt me. She knew I still wanted her back but I did make it clear that things weren't just going to go back to where they were and that is what she is making it like. I still love her very much so and I know we can work through anything but I do feel like we should take a step back for awhile. Since day one we have been 100% comfortable with being ourselves around one another and connect on a deep level.

And Ginger thats what she told me. She had thought it through for awhile before telling me which is why I feel like she knew what she was doing. She told me she didnt want to but when she did she never regretted it. She didnt want to loose me because we are best friends and I mean a lot to her which I feel the same way. I want to talk to her on how Im still hurt by everything but she was getting mad and started fighting with me before she had to leave for work so I didnt really get to finish.

She just texted me from work saying I know we are taking it slow but I feel this is the real thing now more than ever. I just dont know why she changed her mind. I told her she needs to understand I'm still hurt by everything and to give me time.

[SqueamishPuppet]

Oh and she isn't still caught up on the whole marriage thing from what she says. She is willing to wait for when its right. I hope that is true but I'll have to see how she reacts when someone asks when we are getting married. Haha

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[bcgirl]

So in the month you two were apart: she met another guy, planned a trip together, broke up and now she is wanting you back all within a months time. Hmm... To me this sounds awfully suspicious as if she was already cheating behind your back, thinking that this guy would be good enough to break off a 3 year relationship for only to find out that the grass ain't greener on the other side. I would keep my distance. She seems like she knows how to play you and thinks that if she wants you, you'll be right there always.

[SqueamishPuppet]

She actually went on dates with two guys. The first one she met at a bar shortly after we broke up. He suggested the trip and she wanted to go but didn't like him. The second guy she knew from before we were together and saw him at a bar also. She suggested the trip to him since she still wanted to go. He agreed and she planned it basically. She then decided she didn't want to go with him and wanted me to go since we always have fun together. I don't believe she was cheating behind my back. She is very pretty so guys talk to her at bars often and she was single so she went on dates with them.

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[basilandthyme]

She actually went on dates with two guys. The first one she met at a bar shortly after we broke up. He suggested the trip and she wanted to go but didn't like him. The second guy she knew from before we were together and saw him at a bar also. She suggested the trip to him since she still wanted to go. He agreed and she planned it basically. She then decided she didn't want to go with him and wanted me to go since we always have fun together. I don't believe she was cheating behind my back. She is very pretty so guys talk to her at bars often and she was single so she went on dates with them.

Even if she wasn't cheating, she certainly wasn't feeling heartbroken about you not being there.

[michelle23]

"I love you but I am not IN love with you" means I have a new dude who makes me get butterflies and you don't anymore. She broke up with you coz she was likely after meeting someone new. She dated him for awhile, the butterflies went away and she realized that you make her happier.

I have a no tolerance policy for this kinda s**t. Ever hear the saying "never leave the one you love for the one you like"? Well that is exactly what she did and she doesn't deserve a second chance. She doesnt understand the difference between infatuation, lust and love either and shes not worth it

[horndog]

Without getting into all the speculation bullshit as to what your woman did or did not do while apart I will just lay it out in a simple manner. Sometimes when people are in a long term relationship things can become a bit mundane and we kinda become a bit indifferent to how good we actually have it and start wondering what it would be like to be with other people. Sometimes cutting loose like your woman did for what she perceived as "greener grass" can actually strengthen your relationship and make them realize how good they had it and want it back. If she has truly seen "the light" and wants to come back it really could be a benefit to your relationship. There is nothing wrong with second chances. She may know for sure now that she wants you and this could be why she does not want to take it slow. Taking it slow however is probably best. But.... taking it slow can mean many different things to different people. My idea of taking it slow would be to not immediately move back in together (maybe wait a month) and when you do, do not make any major financial commitments together until you are both completely sure that you are indeed going to stay together. I would simply explain to her what your version of "taking it slow" is and that it does not mean that you are not committed but rather that you just want to take the proper steps so you don't have a repeat of what caused the original problem.

The bottom line is simple. Its your relationship and only you can decide what is right for you regardless of anything anybody tells you here. You just need to decide if your life is better or worse with her and make a decision on how you want to proceed.

[bcgirl]

She actually went on dates with two guys. The first one she met at a bar shortly after we broke up. He suggested the trip and she wanted to go but didn't like him. The second guy she knew from before we were together and saw him at a bar also. She suggested the trip to him since she still wanted to go. He agreed and she planned it basically. She then decided she didn't want to go with him and wanted me to go since we always have fun together. I don't believe she was cheating behind my back. She is very pretty so guys talk to her at bars often and she was single so she went on dates with them.

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Ya, uh-huh keep telling yourself that. You are trying to dig for excuses to make her behaviour excusable. So how did she all of a sudden build a bond with two guys at the bar enough for them two to be serious about bringing her on a trip? How did she wind up texting her ex at the bar while you were in the washroom? Pretty only goes so far

[SqueamishPuppet]

"I love you but I am not IN love with you" means I have a new dude who makes me get butterflies and you don't anymore. She broke up with you coz she was likely after meeting someone new. She dated him for awhile, the butterflies went away and she realized that you make her happier.

I have a no tolerance policy for this kinda s**t. Ever hear the saying "never leave the one you love for the one you like"? Well that is exactly what she did and she doesn't deserve a second chance. She doesnt understand the difference between infatuation, lust and love either and shes not worth it

I know but I feel like giving her a second chance because she genuinely seems like she knows that she wants to be with me now.

[SqueamishPuppet]

Without getting into all the speculation bullshit as to what your woman did or did not do while apart I will just lay it out in a simple manner. Sometimes when people are in a long term relationship things can become a bit mundane and we kinda become a bit indifferent to how good we actually have it and start wondering what it would be like to be with other people. Sometimes cutting loose like your woman did for what she perceived as "greener grass" can actually strengthen your relationship and make them realize how good they had it and want it back. If she has truly seen "the light" and wants to come back it really could be a benefit to your relationship. There is nothing wrong with second chances. She may know for sure now that she wants you and this could be why she does not want to take it slow. Taking it slow however is probably best. But.... taking it slow can mean many different things to different people. My idea of taking it slow would be to not immediately move back in together (maybe wait a month) and when you do, do not make any major financial commitments together until you are both completely sure that you are indeed going to stay together. I would simply explain to her what your version of "taking it slow" is and that it does not mean that you are not committed but rather that you just want to take the proper steps so you don't have a repeat of what caused the original problem.

The bottom line is simple. Its your relationship and only you can decide what is right for you regardless of anything anybody tells you here. You just need to decide if your life is better or worse with her and make a decision on how you want to proceed.

This is the best advice I can have I think. She told me that same thing the relationship became dull and we have talked about ways to make it more exciting again. I do think this could strengthen our relationship because we both saw what we were missing. I definitely don't want to do any financial commitments because its still a little unstable but I do think we can work it out. Thank you horndog.

[Ginger2013]

I know but I feel like giving her a second chance because she genuinely seems like she knows that she wants to be with me now.

Well, I just gave my bf a second chance, but he didn't break up with me because he wasn't "in love" with me. I broke up with him because he was abusive. He's doing things to prove himself worthy of a second chance, so I'm willing to try again but on my own terms of course. I won't move back in, and I won't sleep with him asap, I won't allow him to yell at me and if he misses therapy, then I'm gone. I told him all this stuff yesterday and he agreed because he really wants to make himself a better person. I believe in second chances too, I think they are always worth a try, but with boundaries and conditions of course. You have to rebuild the trust and respect. You said your ex wants to rush back to what things were, but you have to be the one to set the boundaries this time to make sure she's serious about you and your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to make her walk on eggshells, because once you decide to forgive, you have to forgive and make a huge effort to forget as well. If you're ready to release the hurt she caused you and try again, then I think it's worth it.