Am I an idioit for holding on to hope?

[lostlars]

Hi, Everyone,

This site helped me so much with my last breakup. 5 years later here I am again. I am going to try to make this as short as I can but include all the important components so I am sorry for the read! I posted on a thread like this going through my last breakup and advice from listeners really helped me heal. I guess I am looking for more listening ears as I am having a very hard time. Ok so here is my story.

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. We had our ups and downs but we were both so in love. We talked about being together the rest of our lives, and how weve never felt this way about anyone etc etc. I thought this was the man I was going to marry. My confusion comes from wondering if his actions came from immaturity and pride, or if he really is over me.

The last 6 months I have not been as great of a girlfriend and he hasnt been there for me either. I was going through major stress with finances, starting a new job, working two part- time jobs, and major family stress. During this time I felt my boyfriend was not showing me attention, asking me whats wrong, or asking me to talk. This made me kind of resent him through the stress and kind of stay to myself. The last few months we felt more like roommates then lovers. (we have lived together years). I thought we were just in a slump but didnt think for a minute we would break up. I was still convinced we would be able to bounce back and be head over heels again as we have done so many times before.

Onward to the breakup. I booked us a night at a hotel resort. We had an amazing day at the pool swimming, drinking, cuddling. Everything was going great. We went up to the room to get ready for our dinner reservation. I was just getting out of the shower and he was getting in. I knew we were late so I still go out and got ready, I later found out this really hurt his feelings. My boyfriend had been drinking all day since golf at 530am so I wasnt thinking anything of it when he laid down on the bed and wasnt getting dressed. Apparently later he told me he wanted to talk to me then but I was too concerned with not being late for dinner. Again I had no idea. So I went down to the lobby to meet our friends for dinner. A few minutes later he came down and grabbed his keys from my purse. I said yah I am glad you made it down dinners soon. And he walked away I thought to use the restroom or something. Then it was time for dinner and he still wasnt around so I texted him and asked where he was. His reply was "goodbye". Apparently he had taken a cab home and was now breaking up with me after 4 years over a text message. He sent a few more about how we have grown apart and hes not happy anymore and that was it.

Besides being irrate about being dumped over a text, I was devastated. I knew neither of us were happy and he told me to find a place and move out. I didn't want to beg him to take me back so I handled it by avoiding the house daily from 7am until 10pm for 3 weeks until I could find a place. During this time we slept in seperate bedrooms and did not speak.

Then the day came and I moved out. When he came home to my stuff being gone he flipped out a little. Sending me really hurtful messages and telling me since I left it is 100% over. (which I already thought it was). He gave me mixed signs because he broke up with me and I thought this is what he wanted.

The breakup was July 6th, I moved out July 22nd. After he cooled down he started being nice and telling me he really wants this to end civily and how hard this is and how much he misses me and all he wants to do it cuddle me but he knows he cant. I left him my tv and laptop figuring he could keep them for a few weeks until he could get his own. We talked a few times on the phone. I would cry, and he would tell me I need to move on. He would also say he loves me and has never broken up with someone he still loves and how hard this is for him. Then he would tell me it will never be the same again. Basically back and forth stuff and really screwed with my mind.

Then I decided no contact. I couldnt take the mixed signals. During the next 3 weeks I blocked him on facebook, and did not respond to a single text. He sent me a total of three all of which I ignored. I had to. I was in too much pain. I knew this last weekend he was going out of town so I went over to his place to pick up my mail. I wasnt planning on getting the tv etc at that time, but when I arrived he had changed all the locks on the house!!! I lost it!! After I was being kind and lending him my stuff!! I was so mad I called him and texted him many times in so much anger. He told me I would have to wait until he gets back to get my stuff and that he couldnt trust me after I blocked him on facebook and didnt respond to his texts. I was livid. So much for a civil parting. The next 24 hours were a series of exchanged messages from anger, to sadness, to hope. He would say "there is so much we could of done but we didnt, and Im tired of being a failure" and more. After he got back, I had him leave my stuff outside because I didnt want to see him. I picked it up. That night we argued a little more. I was so upset that I never got that face to face break up, he was mad because he kept asking me to talk and I wouldnt.

I felt like if he was really sorry he should have came to me. Or made me feel important. He says he always wanted to talk and really regrets how he ended things but I didnt feel that because telling me I could simply come over to him and talk didnt seem like he was that willing to me. I knew it would just hurt so I stopped. We ended that night with him saying he is sick of my **** and he knows in his heart he tried to talk to me and I refused. My emotions were so out of control between anger and sadness that I knew I couldnt control them so I thought it was best to wait.

Now that I have my stuff back we dont have a reason to talk. 4 days went by with no communication and then he sent me a simple text that said "good luck today" because he knew my team was playing. I replied, and then of course he never wrote me back which upset me more. We havent spoken since.

I am so sorry for the length of this post I just felt I needed to get in all the mixed signs so I could explain my confusion. I am devastated. This man was my best friend and now I have lost him because I was too consumed in my own stress and depression to realize we were losing eachother. He told me after the breakup I was too concerned about "how" he did it rather then "why" he did it and thats how he knew he was making the right decision. He said he waited three weeks for me to come up to him and say "baby I dont want this can we please talk about it." I didnt because he dumped me! Why would I beg him? Why would he want me to beg him after I was so humiliated and crushed. I am so close with his entire family too. I am losing so much in this breakup. It has now been 6 weeks with me moved out for 3 and that last text he sent me was three days ago.

I dont know where to go from here. I have messed up with sending the angry and sad plethora of messages but only after I realized I was locked out of the house. Before that I was doing good with the no contact so that is what I am trying to go back to. He says he still loves me and always will. What do you guys think from reading this long saga? What do his actions tell me? Is he really done? Do I need to just move on? Im so in love and I miss him so much if I stand a chance in making things right what do I need to do?

One last thing, he told me I made it final when I signed the lease. If I moved out I knew it was over. Why?? If we were both unhappy why cant we take time to improve ourselfs and remember why we fell in love. Why cant we date. Why does me leaving deifinitly make it over? I was doing what he wanted I thought he pulled the trigger not me. I never gave up.

[smackie9]

All I can say is that you both have a communication problem, and you lost your mental connection with each other that yes he is right you both grew apart. He obviously cares about you but he feels you don't feel the same going by your actions. If you want him back my guess he wants you to make an effort to do so. In his mind, when you walked, he felt since you didn't beg, then you didn't care and it reaffirmed what he had suspected all along. So I suggest you prove him wrong....I think he has a glimmer of hope that you will show him he was wrong.

He was just crying wolf my dear to get your attention. Stupid I know, and that should be fixed with better communication. Best of luck.

[lostlars]

Thank you for your response. Yes, we communicated horribly towards the end thats why this is such a guessing game. How do I prove to him I love him? When I tell him how sad and heart broken I am he tells me to move on and is pretty cold. Then when I do no contact he is me to me and says I must not care since it is so easy for me to not talk to him and I left. It is not easy it is miserable and the hardest thing I have ever done. Its just whenever we start talking he gives me such mixed signals and I look so unstable going from so devasted and sad that I lost my love to so so angry for him doing it over a text and changing the locks. I seriously cannot control my emotions when we talk. I am all over the place from all the different things I have been feeling. Are you suggesting I talk to him and that no contact is maybe not the way to go on this one?

[lostlars]

I blocked him on facebook because of the mixed signals. He would post songs that would leave me crying and confused for days. For example Chris Cagle's song "I'd be lying" Has anyone ever heard that?? That is the worlds most confusing song!! What does it mean??

[toknow]

With him acting like he did, it looks he had his feelings hurt, so his response was what it was. What he wanted you to do, is ask him to come back and seems like he wanted to feel wanted. His reaction of your moving your things out confirms this. If you wanted to keep him, you should have put your pride aside (should not let pride be present in a relationship at all - only dignity) and tried to mend things.

[lostlars]

Thank you. While I understand what you are saying about pride he broke up with me. I asked him over and over again that night if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said 100% and he was tired of trying. How am I supposed to know that means he wants me to beg him for another chance? I cannot read his mind I was going off what he told me which was we were done and I needed to find a place I did what he said and then it backfires on me. I was trying my best to hold it together and be strong until I had a place and could break down in privacy. I guess that where the pride part fits...but how was I supposed to know he didnt mean what he said if thats even the case. He says hes sorry for how he did it but not sorry that he did. I was really hoping for a face to face apology for the text break up after a four year relationship during those three weeks I was still at the house to open up the communication. I just feel like it was so disrespectful. Makes me feel like I wasted the last four years of my life

[basilandthyme]

I urge you to rethink this. Do you REALLY want a boyfriend who gets dumps you because you want to be on time for dinner with your friends? Sheesh

[lostlars]

No I wouldnt. But it is more that night was
the straw that broke the camels back. Like I said I had been dealing with my own issues and ignoring his needs and wants for the last few months. Ive been so involved in my own stress circle. I guess when I turned him down in the shower he decided that he had dealt with it 100 times before and then 101st time was too much.

[toknow]

It's not just you, it's him too, but might have started with his hurt feelings and that not being resolved. Unfortunate to see...another relationship falls to pride.

Pride is stupidity and selfishness. And it can easily destroy a relationship in no time. Love gets rid of pride - it destroys your pride.

[basilandthyme]

I'm floundering here....you say that you love him and want him back. Why do you want him back if he never wants to live with you? What's the point of being with someone who's plans for the future will stop you from living your own dreams?

[lostlars]

No he never said he didnt want to live with me. We lived together for three years. He just said if i ever moved out it was over. Which put me in a really shitty situation because it was his house that we lived in. So when he broke up with me, it was super uncomfortable being in his house when he wanted nothing to due with me. I was forced to sign a lease else where and move out I couldnt take being there any longer. Then when I did that and commited to a new place and left he flipped out. I waited three weeks for him to talk to me and change his mind before I signed a lease and he never did. Then once I moved out he says now its definitly over. Wasnt it already? If he really loved me and wanted to work this out why couldnt we take a step back by not living with eachother and just date and learn to have better communication and a stronger relationship. I cant even get him to start to see it in this light. He thinks since

[lostlars]

I left I want nothing to do with him which is the opposite of the truth. I want us both to be happy and in love how we were for the first 3 and half years and I want him in my life.

[toknow]

Tell him to put his pride aside and tell you the truth and you do the same, and you will have a chance of getting it back.

You both should do whatever it takes to save your relationship if it means anything to you, and not be so prideful. Note how many times I've said the word pride.

[TablesandChairs]

You had a long-term relationship. It's expected that you will go through ups and downs. You were dealing with stress so you neglected the relationship for a few months...but how did he help you through this period exactly? Did he make your life a bit easier? Was he supportive? Did he say "Babe, you've been stressed out and so busy lately, I'm taking you to X for the weekend and we can reconnect". Or did he simply break up with you without trying any of the above? It sounds to me like you were the one trying to reconnect by planning the holiday you went on...and instead of seeing that as a sign of you trying to improve things...he broke up with you.

Then he basically tells you to leave and you oblige, after you ask him several times if he's sure this is what he wants. He tells you it is. After you move out, he blames you. He had 3 weeks to change his mind and as the partner who initiated the breakup, it was his place to say something to stop you from going. Have I got it right thus far?

Sorry, I don't see where you did something so detrimental...you were consumed by financial stress, working 2 jobs etc - it happens. If he wanted to save the relationship, he would have tried a bit harder...but I think his mind was already made up.

Maybe send him an email where you put both anger and pride aside and state how you feel as honestly as possible...regardless of his reply, you will have known that you tried and made things as clear as possible. If that's not good enough, so be it.

[smackie9]

You kept asking him if that is what he want but you should have fought for him and told HIM what you wanted....he was totally hoping for that, then it would have proved to him how much you love him and you are willing to fight for the relationship. Get it?

You need to tell him what YOU want and what you are willing to do, like go to couseling, try dating each other again, talk, etc.

Swallow your damn pride!