I forced her out of my life but in the end it's not what I wanted

[Regret44]

My girlfriend and I very recently broke up.
The saddest thing is that over the last 3 months or so I wanted it to happen only to realize that I love her so much and regret my actions so much that I literally hate myself.
Our story is quite a complicated one. So we met on a night out and instantly hit off. We connected very well and fell in love with each other very quickly. We had great chemistry and our sex life was never dull. We couldn't get enough of each other and wanted to spend every moment with each other.
She stayed with her mom and at the time wasn't talking to her dad who had developed into a fairly bad alcoholic and became abusive. After about a month into our relationship she asked if she could stay with me and basically live with me because her mother was in a very unhappy marriage with a man and my girlfriend always felt depressed in that household. Whilst I knew that living together too soon could be a bad idea I said yes without even giving it a second thought cos I was mad about her and loved every moment with her.
We had our ups and downs but mostly ups and we were very happy with each other. Didn't mind living with each other at all. We shared cooking and cleaning tasks and we just lived well together.

However over the last 3 months or so I began to doubt our future together for a number of reasons.
We come from very different backgrounds, she is Indian and comes from a quite poor underprivileged family whereas I am white and I come from a fairly well off family, not stinking rich but quite well off. I started to wonder about our families and whether they'd be able to mix an whether we'd always be able to look past matters like that, especially when it came to matters like marriage. In hindsight I regret that thinking cos I don't care about that anymore.
I began to treat her unfairly and was sometimes rude to her on purpose because I ultimately wanted her to lose her feelings for me because I thought we couldn't work.
I made her cry quite often during arguments and she repeatedly told me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her but I shrugged it off.
She kept making light that I don't appreciate what she does for me and how much she cares for me but whilst I was fully aware of it I continued to shrug it off. I kept worrying about outside influences and that would always cloud my judgement of her. Amongst all our troubles we still managed to have a great sex life and always connected with each again other during sex. Soon after it would go back to the same.

After an argument I admitted to her that I had doubts about us, told her all my thoughts and said I didn't know what to do because if I lost her I knew I would regret it.

We kinda just went on with the flow being in no mans land with our relationship.The fact that I was currently jobless and unhappy as a result made things worse.

I still continued to try and push her away and one weekend after a quite heated argument 2 nights before she went to stay at her mother's for a bit.

After 2 nights I called her and asked when she was coming back and she said that her and her mother have been talking and she thinks its best that we break up because of the way I have treated her and because she is Muslim and Muslim women can't marry non-Muslim men.
Right there an then it all hit me that I wasn't prepared to lose her. I realized just how selfish I had been and how much I took her for granted.

The next night she came over to pick up her stuff and I noticed that she was already chatting quite affectionately to a muslim man that her mom had introduced her to. We stayed up the whole night talking and I begged for her to give me another chance and she reluctantly stayed with me.
Things got a bit better and we started to become happy again and I was trying my best to show her how much she means to me. We still made love often and it was great. However after two weeks she went back to her mom and again she told me she's not sure if she believes this 'new me', that she found it convenient and weird, and said she has to stick by her decision and look out for herself for once. She also reinforced the issue about me being non Muslim and in the future we will have problems because I'm an atheist and I wont convert.

She came back again to get her stuff. We talked, cried and then ended up making love again having probably the best sex we'd ever had with each other. Afterwards she was confused and after another few days of staying with me she decided it was final. So she slowly moved all her stuff out of my place for good.

Now I don't think religion is the determining factor. It's something we've always looked past quite comfortably. It's definitely the way i treated her.
We've been separated for 2 weeks now and these have been the hardest two weeks of my life. I'm filled with thoughts of regret and thoughts of how it could have been if I wasn't so unfair to her. I feel ashamed of my actions because that's not who I am and not the person I ever want to be. Everything was done on purpose only to realize I was creating something I didn't really want. It's something that makes me cry every night in bed and I honestly don't cry very often at all.
I feel ashamed and I know I asked for this and I deserve this. Given a second time round I would definitely not make the same mistakes.

I don't know what to do. We are so good for each other in essence. We're like best friends and she still talks to me about personal problems over the phone but she says that's just what she's used to. She says she still loves me.

I know she's been talking to the Muslim guy her mom introduced to her again and it kills me because I don't know whether I should still fight to get her back or just give her time or set her free?
I never ever cheated on her or considered cheating on her. I just tried to make her lose her feelings for me which was so stupid of me.
I love her with all my heart, I'd do anything to make it right with her again. She means so much to me, I care so much about her, She's all I ever think about and she always was on my mind even through the doubts. I miss her so much.
I'd really appreciate some advice on this because I really am struggling to deal with this. Harsh criticism will be understood. I expect it.
Thanks for reading guys...

[michelle23]

I dont think you really want her. Your just hurting coz in the end she became the dumper instead of you and rejection always hurts.

When you really love someone you cant bear the thought of hurting them and you intentionally hurt her coz u wanted to push her away. Having doubts from time to time is normal in a ltr but if you really loved her than the thought of even having to tell her its over would be nearly unbearable..

Ive been there. I went through my share of doubts in the past and wondered "should we break up" and the thought of breaking his heart-broke mine. That helped me realize that i DO really love him.

[Regret44]

You see that's exactly the problem. I was having doubts but the the thought of breaking her heart killed me and I didn't want to lose her either. I always knew that I loved her. I hated hurting her and it made me feel horrible. I didn't enjoy a single second of trying to push her away but I thought it was for the best. I was deeply confused as this was the first proper serious relationship of my life and I didn't know which direction I should take. I'm 24 and she's 21.
It's not because she dumped me that I'm hurting. I was in a sense waiting for the day that she'd had enough. I wanted her to stop loving me so that I wouldn't feel horrible whenever I finally decided to break up with her. If I dumped her I still would've felt the same and would be begging for her back which is why I didn't break up with her. I thought about it many times and every time I just couldn't bring myself to doing it.
The simple fact of the matter is that I was very foolish and didn't know what was best for me. These two weeks separated is the longest time by far that we've been apart since our relationship started and I've realized so many things. All I can think about is what a great person she is and how much I love her yet I was so horrible to her.
It's the same old classic story of never realizing what you had until you've lost it.
I assure you that I do love this Girl with all my heart. She's everything to me.

[Valixy]

Then follow your heart and fight for her...if you think that you can face together the racial and social differences. She doesn't deserve less from you.

I wonder though if such a complex relationship is not a bit too much at 23 and 21 years old. Are you two ready for this? While all this presents you with an opportunity to grow as a person and establish your real values in life, I don't think that you should blame yourself too hard because you failed before. You simply weren't ready for something like this and if you think that you can change certain things about yourself and you want something so serious so soon in your life, go for it. I suspect that if her mother allowed her to live with you, she might be a bit more open minded as long as you treat her daughter right.

[HeartIsAching]

You see that's exactly the problem. I was having doubts but the the thought of breaking her heart killed me and I didn't want to lose her either. I always knew that I loved her. I hated hurting her and it made me feel horrible. I didn't enjoy a single second of trying to push her away but I thought it was for the best. I was deeply confused as this was the first proper serious relationship of my life and I didn't know which direction I should take. I'm 24 and she's 21.

Horseshit.

You did hurt her. You didn't care enough to try and make things work. You did it because you "thought it was for the best" - know what that is? Controlling behavior. You actually believed that she wasn't capable of making her own decisions regarding her personal life, so you made them FOR HER.

Welcome to growing up, son. Sometimes it hurts.

[michelle23]

You were a coward OP. You didn't have the balls to tell her you were having doubts and you never communicated what was on your mind. Instead you pushed her away, treated her badly and hoped she would get the hint on her own. Well she did and now she is gone so what are you crying about. if you were honest with her from the start instead of being a passive aggressive pussy then you may still have a chance now.

"Babe I am confused right now, I need some space to think about the future, I think if we spent a week or two apart with no contact, it would really help me get my head sorted out and figure out what I want. I know that I love you and I don't want to hurt you but I need to figure out if you and me can really work long term with all our differences. I will be in touch in two weeks and we can talk about everything then".

Or

"I feel like we cannot work due to cultural differences. Have you ever worried about our future? I am worried right now and I am not sure how to deal with it"

You took the cowards way out and made sure it would end badly. Now you have to deal with the consequences and learn from these mistakes

I am not sure if there is anything you can do to make this right. Her mum is in her ear now encouraging her to be with someone else. Someone of the same culture and background who wont doubt her or their future. I think you were right to break up. You just did it the wrong way but if you got her back-the same issues would pop up again in 2 or 3 months and you would run away from her again. Let her go now

[Ginger2013]

Sorry if this is harsh, but you sound a lot like my bf and I can relate to your ex very well. I guess you have this coming, you were an a-hole the way you treated her. I just went through the same crap with my bf. He made me feel horrible about myself and made me cry often, saying mean things and taking his temper out on me, emotionally and verbally abusive basically. He was pushing me away for a really stupid reason I found out after. I tried to be forgiving over and over, but we all reach our breaking point. After I moved out a few weeks ago, he also realized how much of an a-hole he was being and what he basically destroyed with his immature and unloving behaviour, he used the nice words, the I want you back, the I'll change. But I didn't fall for it, because he, like you, already showed the a-hole side of himself and I don't trust him one little bit now, as your ex obviously no longer trusts you. By selfishly driving your ex away from you with emotional cruelty, you damaged any chance of her wanting to be with you again. Time to move on and learn from the experience, try to treat the next one with love instead of immature manipulation.

[Regret44]

Thanks guys for your help and feedback. I agree with all of you I was a coward, I didn't have to the balls to admit my concerns to her and there are much better ways I could have dealt with it. If I did what Michelle said and asked for some space things would have been so different.
I'm not making excuses but there is something that happened earlier in our relationship that made me quite controlling over her but for her own safety.
My ex did some part-time modelling and was contacted by a supposed photographer through Facebook asking if my ex would like to be part of his portfolio and that he would pay her well and give her great opportunities.
They met one day at a coffee shop that I dropped her off at and they chatted about the work (I wasn't aware that she had met him through Facebook, I trusted her judgement and didn't ask). The meeting went well and my ex was positive. The next week the photographer contacted my ex and asked if she'd like to come to his farm for a test shoot with another model. I was very reluctant and didn't want to let her go away with this stranger regardless of his reputation. She became upset and I eventually let her go not wanting to be controlling or treat her like a child.
To cut a long story short after a long time of not knowing she eventually confessed to me that this guy had drugged her and another model and they were raped. He took photos of them in their drugged state and threatened to post the photos on the internet if they spoke about what happened with him. They were abused. It was a horrible story.
We soon found out through a trusted photographer that he had raped several girls and another Model had confessed her story to the public and on Facebook. The man went under the false name of Ian Smith and has still not been charged.
I desperately wanted to expose the man but my ex didn't want that in fear of exposure and she wasn't sure what the man was capable of. I had to respect that as hard as that was. She was very strong in the whole situation which was deeply admirable. It did affect her though and she began to fear the outside world.
What killed me is that I knew something was fishy about the situation but I let her go.After that I felt responsible for her decisions and I doubted her judgement at times as a result of the incident.
She had a tough childhood with an alcoholic abusive father who used to hit her mother, a step father that wouldn't accept her. I felt she had a lack of guidance when she was younger and that reflected on the choices she made. In all honesty I was all she had she and she would tell me that often. Sometimes I accused her of using me because she had no one else but she hated that accusation and cried. She did truly love me. She remained a beautifully compassionate loving girl.
We worked through that and after time that incident slowly dissolved in our minds. However I was never truly comfortable with her being away for a long period of time fearing that she may make another bad choice. She is very beautiful and is frequently approached by people in person and people on Facebook.
I hated being like that but I felt I needed to. I'm generally not the controlling type at all. I'm very easy going.
Asking her to leave for a while so I could have space would lead me to worrying about what she was up to and if she was safe.
Her previous ex (who was only trying to destroy our relationship) left me a message early in the relationship telling me that she will only break my heart and that when she's upset she goes out drinking and ends up sleeping with guys. I didn't believe she would do that to me but that still lingered in my mind. I guess you could say I didn't trust her completely. Was I wrong for being that way after what happened? This is the first time I'm speaking to anyone other than her on the matter.

[IslandScorp]

You keep talking about the great sex and her beauty, etc. and you say that you don't think religion is the real issue. I think you're wrong about that. And even if it doesn't seem to be THE issue right now, it will be in the future. She said to you that she is Muslim and Muslim women can't marry non-Muslim men and there will be problems in the future because you won't convert. It sounds to me like she thought that she could get you to convert. Are you willing to do that? I'm presuming not since you say you're an atheist. Is she willing to give up her religion and customs for you? Doesn't seem like it. Her family, at least her mother's opinion seems to matter a lot to her. Major differences in the basic values and beliefs of two people often become very serious problems once the thrill of great sex settles down and you have to deal with everyday life and issues. You should think seriously about the potential problems and how both of your futures will be like if those problems can't be resolved before pursuing this girl for a relationship. Besides, I'm not convinced that what you feel for her is love. You treated her badly when you had her then only realized that you made a mistake when she broke up with you. It's as though you only want what you can't have and that is ego - not love.

[fearoflove]

Ha. You don't love her. You just can't stand her being with another man. It's an ego thing.

[michelle23]

Its understandable how you reacted after that horrific situation. It must have been very difficult for both of you. However, I dont like the way you said "I was worried she may make another bad decision and get hurt" that implies that what happened was somehow her fault but it wasn't. Nobody could have predicted what would have happened that day.

I'll give you an example which is different to that situation and not half as bad but its the best I can come up with. Two years ago I was at work cleaning my shop. I spent an hour cleaning downstairs and then I went upstairs to clean the bathroom. I decided to leave the door open as there was a big metal letterbox behind it and if someone walked in, it would bang off the door and make a loud noise so I knew i would hear it and come back down. About a minute after I went up there, I heard the door open so I came back down straight away. A man met me at the bottom of the stairs pointing a knife at me and threatening to stab me if I didn't give him money.

I was terrified I would get the blame for leaving the door open but nobody said a word to me. It was unexpected and there was no way I could have predicted that would happen. I learned though and never left the door open again if I was upstairs.

S**t happens in life. Sometimes horrific things like what happened to your ex. She is in no way the blame for that. She trusted a guy who promised to help her with her career. It seemed like a dream come true but turned into a nightmare. I'm sure you don't blame her, its just those words could easily be taken the wrong way so be careful how you phrase things when talking about such an awful thing.

You and she have a lot of history. Maybe she will come back when things calm down a bit. Give her some space and time. You might hear from her in the near future

[ochriso]

Bro you need to show her this thread. srs