Suffering from depression in long distance relationship

[KeithCozart300]

I've been in a long distance relationship for the last 3 months, I'm from London, shes from New York. Everything was fine till exactly 1 week ago. I found out my gf cheated on me. I found out through asking an annonymous question on her blog.

At the time she said she was taking advantage of, and needed a hug. However, this morning well 9 hours ago I haven't slept, I can't sleep, she said she did it out of vengance. An ex bf who treated her badly and cheated on her kept texting her for sex, so she made him perform oral sex on her, and then informed his girlfriend, who she claims didn't believe her. She admits it was cheating and it was a horrible thing to do. I was beating myself up thinking she had sex with a random guy, but she never went into detail like this. At the time she just said she was sorry it was nothing significant and she understood I was leaving her.

I've had depression before, but this is a very bad bout. I haven't eaten or drank properly for the last week. My problem is im flying out to see her in NY on the 26th, and I don't want it to be a wasted trip, as I spent my whole savings on seeing her. In the light of knowing what happened, Im still angry, but not as angry as I was before.

To get to the point. I now feel I want to salvage something, for my conscience and dignity. However, after all the arguing and break up and make up, she feels exhausted.

She works two jobs, has a lot of issues to deal with such as poverty, and pending eviction from her apartment as landlord didn't pay rent to the bank, she also has to send money to sick relatives abroad. She said to me different things a few hours ago. First she said "I want to save up and go to uni in 2014, I mean now I have two jobs we hardly get to speak, and I think we would speak less, I don't want you to feel being pushed to the side."

I told her she has been searching for a second job since I've known her, told me she wanted to go to uni ages ago, and even planned to be a flight attendant in the next year, and she was perfectly happy with the idea of us together in those scenarios. I think the arguing which she caused by cheating, has added to her problems, and she just wants less problems.

However after I said to her we haven't even met in person yet, I feel like an idiot wasting all my money to see you, and you telling me this now and not months ago is unfair. She then said lets take it one day at a time and i'll give it a chance because I love you so much, so lets give it a go and not think too much of the future.

I fear she just wanted to go to sleep and didn't want to argue. I don't want to feel like I pressured her, I mean we've broken up twice in last few days and then got back together. I think she thinks its exhausting as we don't even live close. I just want to feel like knowing her has atleast been worthwhile, in some form of a relationship. For my conscience and dignity.

Shes the first girl I ever loved, i've told girls in the past from the start " I just see you as a friend" when they've told me they liked me, so this girl is obviously significant in my life for me to actually fall in love with her. University is going to be harder for me next year, Im not really into clubbing as thats how most people my age meet girls. I wanted a settled relationship so I can concerntrate on my studies, not be out looking. I feel after the 7 days I see her, if it just fizzles out, I will feel it the most. I would have spent all my money, and she would probably just find someone for a casual relationship to fit alongside her work, and i'll be alone.

To sum it up im depressed as 1) Im hurt from the initial cheating, but I thought maybe when we are together we could just see how our emotions are and hug and talk

2) I feel she might feel like shes being guilt tripped into have something lasting past my visit, and when she gets really busy at work/in life she will say "I told you so"

3) I've told her things about my life that I've told no one else, not even my best friends. I would find it hard to engage in a new relationship with someone soon after. I can't say "nothing lasts forever" and part on good terms, because not every relationship you spend your whole savings on, and invest in so emotionally. Shes been through being sexually abused as a child, supporting an ex through substance abuse and other bad breakups, so while this may be a bit bad to her, she's had worse and will get over it. Also its not her money down the drain. So im feeling very stressed out and sick at the moment, and I need some advice and help, please.

[Boisdevie]

Advice?
You need therapy. Seriously. You've told this girl that you've never actually met in person that you love her. Do you realise how crazy that is? And you're going to spend all your money on going to see her? Don't you realise that even if you two get along the distance will kill it? Unless you're a multimillionaire with our own private jet.

[KeithCozart300]

I know it sounds crazy. But we talked for three months straight, everyday. On phone, on video, on facebook. It felt better than having met her in person because it was pure love, and not lust. I understand what you're saying, but when we first told each other we loved each other, we got really upset about the distance. I felt I had to atleast be with her in person in this life, and booked the flight.

I thought if it got really serious, in 2015 I could move to NY for a year, as I planned on travelling anyway. Its hard for me as I've never been in love with someone, so breaking up would be so hard for me.

[michelle23]

Oh for gods sake. Stop this silly charade and tell the girl to get lost. You cant trust her. She lives half way across the world. And this is just a silly online fantasy relationship. Go and find a local women and never do long distance again or you will continue to be cheated on. Simple

[4 ratties]

This is not real love. Quit talking to her. Period.
This situation is so rediculous that nothing else needs to be said.

[surfhb2]

Yes.....please see a therapist this week or next

[VincenzoG91]

Why can't you date someone in London? I have heard rumors that there are many women living there.

[Kromat83]

Why can't you date someone in London? I have heard rumors that there are many women living there.

He doesn't go outside much, so he wouldn't know if it's true.
I guess he could read about it on the Internet.

[KeithCozart300]

I appreciate everyones feedback. I was dating someone in London, just 10 minutes away from my accomodation at uni, and it was not satisfying. I did not go looking to date some American girl, we met on a hip hop website and after initially inviting me to visit her as a friend for a few days, the relationship developed and after a month we were in 'love'. I booked flight to see her about a month ago, and everything was fine till a week ago.

I know people say these things never work, but at the time I was enjoying the journey, If I could rewind time I'd obviously choose things differently. But my situation is what it is, my ticket is unrefundable and since we are being nice to each other at the moment, Im just trying to enjoy it. I just don't want to feel to down when/if it ends, thats the thought that depresses me and doesn't allow me to enjoy the present.