confused husband...looking for answers

[distraughthubby]

Hi all, i will try to make this as short as possible. my wife and i are both in our late 20's, been married for 4 years. I recently discovered that she is having an affair with our neighbor. he is an older black man, in his 70's. his wife died around a year ago and we both help him out.. well her a lot more than me apparently. anyway, i help him with the yard stuff and garbage, things like that. she would help him with dinners and cleaning and things of that nature. well, it was recently brought to my attention that i needed to keep an eye on what my wife was doing with him. i was like whatever, no way. well, i kept thinking about it and decided to do a little snooping and it actually was true. i was shocked, hurt, confused, and all of that. i confronted her and she cried and threw a fit and said she was only trying to help him. i said yes, we both were helping him, but that was not helping him. she said that she was helping him and that it's only been going on for a few months and she loves him, she's not in love with him, but cares about him and wants him to be happy and all this crazy stuff. well crazy to me anyway. she said that she understands that she hurt me, and how much she hurt me and she would never do this type of thing again and all the typical things, but also said that she doesn't think it is fair to him if she stops. she says it is all he has to look forward to and that he loves her. i am really at a loss i guess. i mean if it was a guy around our age or even remotely close i would just leave i think, but i somewhat believe her. she says after he is gone she will never do it again, never with another guy. just typing it here i realize how stupid i am for actually believing her, but when she was telling me it all kind of made sense...

[anonymous_a]

No. This is bullshit. The man can't honestly be happy knowing how selfish he is being, and knowing that the person he is sleeping with is MARRIED, and that her husband is actually a nice person who has helped him!! No, no, no. End it. Tell her to end it with him, or end it with her. She's an idiot, and you're an idiot if you allow her to keep seeing him.

[distraughthubby]

i have considered ending it with her and just trying to move on. we have one kid and another one on the way though, so i think i should try to work it out. i have suggested going to counseling. she says she would prefer not to, because its just a one time thing that we can handle.

[anonymous_a]

Her saying its one time thing is a croc. Even if she's intending that statement to be true, in the future someone may come along that will make her want to test her boundaries. If you allow her to get away with this, she will walk all over you. I can't believe you're actually still there to be honest. And having kids is no reason to stay together. My parents divorced when I was a year old and I absolutely adore my step mother. I couldn't imagine life without her. I don't believe the whole "broken family" theory. What's best for your children is his/her parents being truly happy. If you allow this situation to continue, a lot of resentment will most likely come from your end.

[distraughthubby]

I hear what you are saying and i understand. my parents were the parents that tried to stay together for the kids and it was miserable. they eventually divorced and we were all much happier, so i do get it. I always said that i would never stay married just for the kids. i wouldn't be staying just for the kids. i think it is something that we could work through, possibly. i have doubts that we could while still living next to this guy though. i mean, here i am outside mowing the grass and my wife is inside "cleaning up", pregnant with my kid and sleeping with him. it is a lot to deal with. i don't know that staying together is possible if we still live where we do.

[anonymous_a]

I completely forgot about the whole pregnant thing. The fact she is sleeping with someone else while pregnant with your child, is disgusting. My only opinion is that you should ask her to leave him, or leave her. Period.

[distraughthubby]

yea, that makes sense. i will probably ask her to not see him anymore. should i tell her she can't help him around the house anymore?

[dewwy]

there is no need to be too good to him

[anonymous_a]

yea, that makes sense. i will probably ask her to not see him anymore. should i tell her she can't help him around the house anymore?

Absolutely. If you allow her to still see him, she will find a way to keep sleeping with him. If he needs help, he needs to hire some.

[distraughthubby]

the real problem, well there are a few, but the issue is. i dont think we can sell our house and he isn't going anywhere. for all i know she spends her days with him.

[anonymous_a]

If you ask her to stop seeing him, and she agrees, then you need to trust that she will. If you do not trust her, then you need to leave her. You can't just up and sell your house because your wife cheated with the neighbor. You shouldn't have to do that. If you absolutely must, maybe you should have a neighbor keep an eye on things. See if she continues to go over there. If so, you need to leave. The fact that he is only 70 blows my mind. He could very well still be around for another 20 years!! Do you really want to spend the next 20 or even 10(!!) married to a woman who is sleeping with someone else? Probably not.

[distraughthubby]

well no, i don't want her to keep having sex with him. i just, she made it seem like the right thing to do.. not really, but i was hurt and confused and just had so much going on. i think if i asked her to stop i would need some sort of proof that she did. i mean, he lives right next door it would be easy for them to continue. i will talk to her tonight and make sure she understands that she needs to stop altogether... i just have a feeling she might say no.

[anonymous_a]

If she says no, then she clearly doesn't respect you, your intelligence or your marriage.

[distraughthubby]

soon to find out, leaving work now.

[anonymous_a]

Keep us posted