hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[Wakeup]

Well, Josie... time to stop taking your shit out on your bf and get the nice calm and loving feeling back with one another. It's no excuse what he was about to do but it is a warning call about your relationship in general.

If you hate your job then I hope you're doing everything you can to find another one. When life gets in the way and we are in a longterm relationship, it gets really easy to neglect what we have now taken for granted because other stresses seem to take priority. Time to get back to basics with him and start to have date nights together, stop watching T.V. or be on the internet and do things where you have to focus on one another. Make a point to show one another how much you appreciate each other and leave outside stresses, outside.

So, where do you think your first date should be?

[josie33]

thank you wake up. truelly thank you

[smackie9]

If this kind of stress made him wander, how is he going to handle the major stresses of being married with the responsibilities of raising children, and paying the bills, a mortgage etc. Good luck to ya.

[josie33]

e already have a mortgage...and ok we rnt married but 11years...that cnt be far off the difficulties that wd come with marriage?

[Wakeup]

You're living together... as far as I'm concerned, you are married ~ you just don't have the licence. I'm not sure what the family law is in Britain but here in Canada, another year together (in some provinces) and you'll be just as good as married in the equal rights sense and in the committed sense as well.

All long term relationships eventually go through blips. Its up to the two individuals involved how hard they work together to get through them.

Good luck... I hope you both have the will and the love for one another to keep going and doing so happy with one another.

I'll add that I think it's very important that he understands that all communication and contact whether in person or not must stop if you want this relationship to get back to what you had when you first fell in love with one another so do make that clear to him, josie.

[smackie9]

e already have a mortgage...and ok we rnt married but 11years...that cnt be far off the difficulties that wd come with marriage?

Having kids..............

[Wakeup]

Ya... I'd put off having children until your relationship is solid and you're both happy knowing that you're one another priority. When kids do come along, don't neglect your hubby just because you're now a mother. Keep having those date nights, game nights, whatever with one another and get a good reliable babysitter who you can leave him/her/them with so you can continue to focus on one another.

[michelle23]

Take him back with no consequences and your relationship is doomed. Dont be his fool. And dont just believe every word he says. How do you no he didnt sleep with her? He has been meeting her alone for the past 3weeks.. Open your eyes girl

SMH!

There is no way id just let this go and welcome him home with open arms. This WILL happen again next time you hit a rough patch and then it could be ten times worse-you could be pregnant or have a newborn. He needs counselling before you can trust him again and he also needs to research EA in detail

[namemyname]

I actually believe him, I really do.

I think he lacks communication and coping skills, and this was the way he acted out.

I think him telling you this happened because of your drift means you can't make this about "what can he do to make it up to me", but, "do we both want to work on our relationship"?

[michelle23]

This shouldnt be about him making it up to her. It should be about him working on himself, understanding what he has done and how to ensure it never happens again

OP you need to ask him straight is he still committed to you? Does he wana marry you and have kids with you? Are you just his "for now" girl or is this real? Maybe he has wanted out for ages. Maybe he freaked when you kicked him out and ran back to what is comfortable and familiar (you). The fact he came back doesnt necessarily mean his heart is fully in it

Im not saying this to freak you out. I just think for your sake and before you go wasting money on counselling and books-those qs need to be answered.

[josie33]

ok so its monday n back to work. im terrified. hes going to tell her today whats happened n that they can have no more contact. she txt him yesterday to say it was her fault this happened n she will delete his number. she said - now u know u really do love her. he left early this morn. i feel sick not knowing whats gonna be said. he said tonght he will tell me n show me he has deleted her number. the messages have already gone. i have told him if i want to see his phone i will n he agreed. we have discussed why he felt neglected. i am worried literally sick

[Wakeup]

ok so its monday n back to work. im terrified. hes going to tell her today whats happened n that they can have no more contact. she txt him yesterday to say it was her fault this happened n she will delete his number. she said - now u know u really do love her. he left early this morn. i feel sick not knowing whats gonna be said. he said tonght he will tell me n show me he has deleted her number. the messages have already gone. i have told him if i want to see his phone i will n he agreed. we have discussed why he felt neglected. i am worried literally sick

Now that you've decided that the two of your are going to concentrate on getting your focus on one another and stop making outside influences (his and your outside influences) your priority, you have to train you mind to trust that he is in this as much as you are and that he wants your relationship and you as his LIFEmate.

Do go to the library where books are free and check out some books on couples and relationships. As I said "Getting the Love You Want" is a good one for your situation. You can read it together. He wants you so try to relax.

Google: "How to overcome and emotional affair as a couple" (it's free) and read what the EA partner will be experiencing as well as what you can do to ensure your own self and what you can do as a team to keep the connection to one another a happy and fulfilling one.

Don't be scared, be proactive and determined to live your lives together happily.

[Wakeup]

If he knows that you'll not put up with something like this again, that the house will be sold, the money split and you'll go your separate ways, then he'll be even more determined to make this work. He could have gone to her when you told him to leave but he didn't... he wants you, Josie. It was a wake up call for the two of you to stop taking one another for granted and once again start showing one another how much you value each other.

I'm sure he realizes that if she's the type to try something like she did with a guy in a committed long term relationship and she knew he was, then she's not all that great of person to begin with.

[michelle23]

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

[michelle23]

I'm sure he realizes that if she's the type to try something like she did with a guy in a committed long term relationship and she knew he was, then she's not all that great of person to begin with.

Cant blame this on the other woman. She didnt betray OP. Her partner did. Plus if this means OW aint worth it then that means he isnt either..

Too many unanswered qs for my liking. I wouldnt take him back