Relationship "problem" (warning, long story)

[Idainaru]

Hi to all of you!!! I am new here, just registered today, and this is my first thread here.

If this is not appropriate place for this thread, i apologize myself. Admins, place it in the right section.

I need an girls advice and a consolation from anyone who can help me. My English is not perfect, so spelling errors will be.

Ok, this is my story:

I am in love with a girl...We are in relationship now almost for 9 years. It started in high school, we finished university together and we are still in love and in a relationship. We never broke up, and we never cheated each other. And, she was my first, and i was her first. By nature, i am impulsive and jealous, but also i am reasonable if you explain me things. As we finished university, we had some plans about future life ofcourse. But, my vision is not exactly the same as hers. As i am more a family guy (my mother died when i was 15, my family broke apart, and i think now that having family is the most appreciated thing in life). I want in life a decent job, her as wife, kids...i want to get back after work and be with her. Spend weekends with her, holidays...To me, the best thing is to watch a good movie with her and cuddle. I dont want anyone else but her.

She also loves me, doesnt want anyone else but me...But, she is more like a career person. She cant be in one place, she says that she will collapse if she stays in one place. So, to her, succeeding in life means to get the best job possible, and to earn as much money possible. To me, succeeding in life means having happy and wealthy family (considering that you have money to live with normal standards, as we both finished university, it implies this).

Problems started when she got a job which forces her to go in another country which is far away. And now, we only see our self every 7 weeks for a 3 days. This task of her, will take whole year. So, a whole year will be like this. She works in Saturday and Sunday too, so weekends are off. To me, this is killing me...I feel like my heart is falling to pieces with every day that she is away. I miss her...

She actually didnt had a chance to chose a job, she took it because of economy situation...but now, after a while, she likes this job, and she plans to work like this at least next 3-4 years before she can think of a family. She still says that she loves me and i am hers everything... And i, thinking about next few years like this...it awakens a dark feelings in me.

She also has a very good friend now, which works with her. She says that he is same as like her, just trapped in male body. They stick together because there are many clans in her job, many conflicts happen. This guy is a few years older, married and has a baby. I trust her that she is not cheating me, but i am afraid that in time in which i dont see her, and she works with him every day, and live in same hotel...they will come together and develop feelings. And i cant do anything than just hoping, sitting and waiting...trusting her.

I told her that hers relation with this guy bothers me, and she told me that she understands, and she wont let it goes further.

But i need an advice, how to deal with it. How to be stronger...How to survive a time that will come!? How to not make a pressure on her and not chase her away but still show her how much a love her and miss her!?

[michelle23]

3-4years is too long. Make a decision now. Either go there and be with her, get a job and a flat or break up. You cant do long distance for that long

as for that guy you need to put your foot down and put boundaries in place. Tell her it is disrespectful to your relationship. She shouldnt be spending time alone with him

[Jobloggz]

It sounds like you have both been through a lot together, and have a long history together to just walk away and leave it.

The distance between you both seems to be the cause of your worries because your not seeing each other as much as you'd like to and leaves a lot to the imagination to worry about, especially with this new male friend on the scene.

I think you should have a sit down chat with her, about how you feel about the distance between you, And then more importantly, how this male friend is concerning you. You can explain that you trust her etc, but if she truly loves you and cares about how you feel, she should understand that you would be concerned and effected by worrying and thinking about what could happen.

To remain strong, face your fears so that you know what to expect if the worse came to the worst. Because realistically, whatever happens will happen. But you can help prevent it if you intervene and talk through it.

I hope it all works out for you!

[Idainaru]

Moving to a place in which she is now and getting job there is not a solution because after gthis roject she can be moved to another country on another project.
I told her about my feelings, and she said that she understands. Althought he is a very good friend to her, i am the one which she loves and it will be as i demand. That is correct from her, but will their relation change, ill find out very soon when i ask her. Hope she wont lie. If she admits that nothing changed, then she doesnt respect me. I even told her that she can explain to him my demands. If he is honorable man, he will understand. If he says anything else like "he wont find out", then his true face will show up. I guess i know the answers, now i just need to see what will hapen.
Thanks for answers, post your opinions anyway. Ill post some news when i ask her in few days.

[4 ratties]

Maybe it's just me, but if she truly loved you, I don't know why she would take a job that for 4 years she only sees you a handful of times. It sounds like she's building her life without you and at this stage you should be building a life together. In the same country.

[Idainaru]

Some updates here...

First of all, i need to tell one more fact here. Since she is having an office job in building site, she is only girl there and there are a lot of men around her. She told me that since she is good friend with that male person (who is also having an office job), workers spare her of bad comments when she needs to check something on building site, because he goes with her. But, since she is very often seen with him, they throw another type of comments like "where are you going with him", "what are you doing with him" etc...She told me that there are even rumors about them, those rumors are made by people who dont like hers office crew...Then, when they go on building site and workers throw such comments they literally say that they go to **** and like that....Like, they are frustrated by workers and its the only way to deal with them...

I have talk to her about that. Told her how rude and disrespectful is to me. She understood and she told me that they stopped saying such things to workers. But, that male person is like a brother to her, and that will most likely not gonna change, like he protects her.

Such comments even went to his wife here in our country (she found out about it). My girl told me that his wife didnt made any drama about it, she trusts his husband. And so should i...

People from another office asks my girl to go to drink with them, or dinner...etc...you know, usual guy talk. She rejects ofcourse by telling that she is not interested, she doesnt have time, she is busy etc...They know that she has boyfriend but they dont care about that. The thing that bothers me is rejection way, somehow "i dont have time" doesnt sound good to me. She told me that she cant be rude to them because hers job depends on them...how, i dont know...

Now, i see she posted skype status to another office crew by linking Lilly Allen- **** you very much song...Why!? I dont know, is it some internal joke or is she mad about them...dunno, i guess its more internal joke, which again bothers me...

Al those talking about ****ing etc is very annoying to me.

Again, she tells me every day that she loves me, in morning, and before going to sleep. She will never hurt me, cheat me etc (if i ask her about that).

She is coming here in 2-3 weeks for a 5 days. I would like to talk about all of this with her...but i dont know am i too possessive? I am a person who thinks that joking about sex with another people who are not your close friends is not appropriate, especially when those persons are another gender. The thing is, she is always too friendly with male people, and most of the times it ends up that some of those people are in love with her.

I need to know from you girls here, how should i deal with this. Are some thing normal and i should be more cooler, should i be less jealous and just let it go. Should i find some female friends and try to make her jealous or something? Im tired of such games...but it seems that talking doesnt bring much.

[Idainaru]

I really need some opinions please....i am desperate, and i am becoming more and more possessive. I need to know did i lost my sense or am i right...Please answer me...

- So my girlfriend was absent for 2 months now. Last night she was coming home for a 4 days. I was so excited and happy. We text message each other every day (phone calls and skype calls are not option since she really doesnt have high speed internet in hers working place). Before coming home she told me she is happy to come home, i told her i am happy too. Kinda expected she would say "im happy im coming home and see you". Perhaps my possessive thinking is present here?

- she lives in city here, which is 15 minutes of driving away from my home (i live in suburban area of that city). Ofcourse i was thinking it is only logical i will come before her with my car and wait for her, and drive her hers home. Bought new t-shirt, new jacket, ironed everything to be prepared for her. I want her to see me in best. Hers voyage took 11 hours with company van (in which she was traveling with van full of male co workers - thats normal for hers situation). But, when i asked her when she will come home, so i can pick her up, she told me that she doesnt want to make trouble for me. Like, it will be late night...she doesnt want to bother me...Then, she told me that she doesnt want to take this satisfaction to her parents to pick her up. Since we both are 27, in RL for 9 years...i was thinking that is bullshit...how can she tell me such things after not seeing me for 2 months? I was hurt...Then, i forced to pick her up...she was like "ok if you want so...". I asked her again, she told me yes, she wants to see me..but again, it is late night (2AM)....I honestly dont know what to say on all that, i was expecting more from her. Am i possessive here too?

- when i picked her up, she smelled on alcohol. Asked her, did you drink? No, those workers were drinking all the time and spilled some of it on her (that was hers answer). Ok, i believe that those workers drink allot...and i want to believe her that she didnt. But i cant help but thinking was she drinking, and perhaps was this the reason to tell me not to pick her up? Some of the messages while she was traveling were misspelled, perhaps she was sleepy...Again, am i possessive here too?

- next, talk in the car. She has a sister which is 11 hours of traveling away from her (our) town. She didnt saw her for 6-7 months. Sister had birthday few weeks ago. Ofcourse, she wants to visit her. That is completely normal. She told me that she wants me to go with her (since it will take 1.5) of hers visiting days, and she is only 4 days here. I told her like i dont want to disturb her and hers sister, shall i go with her!? I was being polite...And i got the answer, she wants me to go with her because she doesnt want to take HER away from me. Like, i will lost that time and will complain about it. I was expecting the only possible answer "i want you to come with me because i want spend more time with you, and if you dont go, we wont spend that time". Again, am i possessive here too?

- also, the thing which bothers me, is that, she kinda is ashamed of kissing me and hugging me in front of hers co workers. When she exited the wan, she gave me one kiss in my cheek. I returned and hug her, she was a little nervous. Am i here possessive too? There were any of hers boss in van, only workers...she is kinda their boss.

When i drop her in fron hers apartment, we hug...for a good time.

- today she will come and sleep over in my house. Im looking forward to it...i cant say how much, i cant express my feelings. But such things are bothering me....i dont want to start the fight...and fight will be if i start such discussion, most probably. Please girls, and men, tell me how to act in this situation. What to do...i only want things to make them better. But also, if those are the signs that she doesnt love me anymore, i need to know.

Please answer me as soon as possible because i dont have anyone else to talk with. That was my big mistake, i have thrown away everything for her...I dont even go out (she too), dont have reliable friends. I just need to know are my fears justified...

If i am right, perhaps i will show her this thread....dont know...

[searock]

Sorry pal, but the relationship is over. She is having an emotional affair with someone from work (possibly even a full-blown affair), she just isn't into you anymore. You should cut your losses and break up with her, start moving on. I'm really sorry, but even though it seems like the worst thing that's ever happened to you, this break up will make you stronger eventually.

[Idainaru]

Sorry pal, but the relationship is over. She is having an emotional affair with someone from work (possibly even a full-blown affair), she just isn't into you anymore. You should cut your losses and break up with her, start moving on. I'm really sorry, but even though it seems like the worst thing that's ever happened to you, this break up will make you stronger eventually.

I know, those are my fears too, but i just cant get it right, and clearly. Obviously we had argues, they are not frequent but they happen, yes. Last argue was the worst....i was upset of gossips about her and hers friend/co worker...argue about that turned into argue about our future, about her being cold etc...and it was really intense...i couldnt take it anymore...i just wanted her to tell me that she loves the most on Earth (like she was before), but she didnt. When i write her one message which is actually 5-6 stitched together, explaining how i feel, it is difficult situation, i want her to try more to work on our RL, she would answer something like "why do i have to understand always you, how cant you understand me, in which conditions do i work, and i am lonely...". But when i try to talk with her about hers problems on work, she doesnt want to write about that, telling me that she just wants to forget it...Then, in the maximum point of argue i told her we should probably just break up. I cant be anymore in such relationship...she just ignores that. She doesnt want to break up, even if i dont send her message, she still sends me at the evening that she loves me...

So i cant figure it out...i told her dozens of times, if you like someone else, let me know...dont torture me please...Nothing, she doesnt like anyone else...But she is cold and reserved.

Today, we been together 1 hour, walking in the park. She had to go to make check in in company and i had an interview. But, when we discussed about us (again yes), i told her that i am grown man now. I have 27 years, and i consider myself mature although i dont have any experience with other girls...i know that i want her for the rest of the life...i want future with her. Asked her, she told me that she doesnt want anything right now (considering marriage). She wants to gain at least one year job experience and become someone...Ok, i can understand that, there is no need to rush anything.

I know i write too much, but i just dont know what she feels. Even if i force her to tell me, she tells me what i want to hear but with that tone, so it sounds like she doesnt want to say that...or doesnt want to hurt me.

Man, even when i read all this it seems so confused...

Tonight she will sleep over, i will know the best by hers gestures and touches is she still into me...or am i just not attractive to her anymore....

[searock]

She doesn't romantically love you anymore. The sooner you accept it, the better.

[michelle23]

It is time to move on hun. Stop being a doormat. I know its hard but its time to let go. Your hurting yourself more by staying with her

[Idainaru]

Thank you all for the answers. Although the answers were predicted (because i think the same), it is still good thing to hear someones else opinion, even if its negative for me.

Well here are some updates. She spend the night with me. She wasnt reserved and cold, we were cuddling allot. We have discussed pretty much everything. She told me honestly that nothing changed with us...but the thing is, hers job is very stressful, she works 2 months without a day of relax, every day, with 12 hours per day...she even has some psychic problems because of such conditions (i noticed it when she was sleeping, dont wanna go in details). Also, she told me that i am the only reason why is she coming back home....The situation on work is terrible...but she even invited me to go there if another 8 weeks not seeing each other period happen (we will think something out, how to be together there).

This all (including some other things), made me believe that she still loves me (perhaps i just want to believe in that so much). She also told me that its not easy to switch on life here when she comes for a 3 days. She is still under the stress.

Since i really love her, and i dont wanna throw away 9 years so easy...i think that now i need to be strong for our relationship, and for her. I will try to slacken a bit, not to make so much pressure on her by scanning all the details. I just hope that we can make through this period that she is away.

I know there will be fights...they wont disappear...i know that i am risking to be hurt (badly), but i must do that. If we dont succeed, i will have one big experience to live with...

God help me!

If some changes occur, ill probably post them.

[michelle23]

Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you. If she is giving mixed signals though and wont give you straight answers then you do need to put your foot down and tell her its ALL OR NOTHING and mean it. Respect starts with you and if you want her to still respect you then you have to stand up now and be a man and tell her that you will not take any crap from her. She needs to make up her mind, shes either with you or shes not. 9 years is a LONG time and if she is willing to move away from you for 4 damn years-then she is far from with you.

In these situations it is better if you turn cold. Believe me if you become the dumper it will make her want you more. You have to act like you are fine without her even if you are falling apart. You have to tell her that you wont do a half assed relationship. She has to make a choice. Shes either gonna come home and be with you properly or get out of your life for good coz long distance does NOT work.

If my bf got a job in canada and was leaving tonight, I would be going with him and same vice versa. I go where he goes and he goes where I go. Were committed, we are living together, getting married and planning to start a family in the next 2 years. That is how it should be. If he told me he was leaving without me-I would just break up with him because I would know that I am no longer his number 1 priority which I cannot accept as he is mine. Does that make sense?

Just stay strong and put yourself first. Dont stay with someone who is making you miserable and causing all sorts of stress and drama. Love should never hurt and if it does-then IMO it is time to move on

Hope this helps you

[Idainaru]

Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you. If she is giving mixed signals though and wont give you straight answers then you do need to put your foot down and tell her its ALL OR NOTHING and mean it. Respect starts with you and if you want her to still respect you then you have to stand up now and be a man and tell her that you will not take any crap from her. She needs to make up her mind, shes either with you or shes not. 9 years is a LONG time and if she is willing to move away from you for 4 damn years-then she is far from with you.

In these situations it is better if you turn cold. Believe me if you become the dumper it will make her want you more. You have to act like you are fine without her even if you are falling apart. You have to tell her that you wont do a half assed relationship. She has to make a choice. Shes either gonna come home and be with you properly or get out of your life for good coz long distance does NOT work.

If my bf got a job in canada and was leaving tonight, I would be going with him and same vice versa. I go where he goes and he goes where I go. Were committed, we are living together, getting married and planning to start a family in the next 2 years. That is how it should be. If he told me he was leaving without me-I would just break up with him because I would know that I am no longer his number 1 priority which I cannot accept as he is mine. Does that make sense?

Just stay strong and put yourself first. Dont stay with someone who is making you miserable and causing all sorts of stress and drama. Love should never hurt and if it does-then IMO it is time to move on

Hope this helps you

Michelle, i am aware of everything what you are saying to me. I know that being cold helps most of the time, but i am afraid of risk. If i turn out being cold, i am afraid that it could chase her away, because i could turn out to be asshole now when she needs me. In this situation, in which we cant see each other for so long, i think that being cold cant bring any luck...to me, it is better to remind a person of good things, of 9 years of good and bad...etc...maybe she has an emotional barrier with me right now, but that is not the reason to pick up my stuff and leave. As long as she doesnt cheat me (emotional or physical) it is worth of a try (as she says to me several times that this male person is nothing but a male friend, it was never been anything between them, it is not now, and it will ever be, those are her words).

Its not very good our economic situation. We dont have rich parents, i still cant find a job (believed or not, with and without my strings). She got this job which was last option for her, but she didnt had a chance to chose. She supports hers family. Job is good payed, but has its bad side, bad side is you work on construction sites on several european country. When this project finishes, she can be stationed here for a long time, or she can be sent on a better project (in which she can come here for longer period, or i can go to her). She told me that she wants to be more than a normal office worker in this company, it will make everything easier for us, but before that, we must endure this period. Then we can settle down, and make family, thats what she said also.

Those are the facts which i know because some of my relatives work on this company too. Job is very hard and stressful. She told me she is becoming numb....imagine literally 2 months of work (combined office and outside work), without a day of relax, no weekends free, working 12 hours every day. No decent food, no girls to talk...well, only one older which works as translate person. I can only imagine it, believe her and try to be hers support.

I cant go with her because i dont have any savings, and i dont want her to support me too. I cant risk to go there for a longer time and miss an opportunity here to find a job, and become complete man for her, competition is strong.

Yes, hers signals are mixed, but she is convincing me it is all because of work. For now, i must believe this...at least for the time in which i will become stronger (finding job and improve my social status), then i will have more self respect too..

Yes, she is changing, perhaps it doesnt needs to be bad, perhaps it can turn out good. We will see!

Thank you for your kind words...we have still 2 days left to hang out, she will sleep over again...


P.S. What i noticed too (it was last time like that too), first when she returns, she is all reserved. I kiss her and hug her, but after a day or two, she does that too. She holds my hand, gives me a kiss and stuff.