Do you believe in monogamy?

[Wakeup]

Obviously, no one read the link re: The 5 Myths of Polyamourous Relationships!

I think it should be pointed out that when it is concentual and all above board.. it is NOT called CHEATING. Too many times the word "cheating" is used to describe non-monogamy. Believe it or not, people can be in equal love with more then one person. Unfathomable as that may seem to those who view life through a tunnel.

[Wakeup]

People are so different; despite us being incredulous, polygamy can work when two people genuinely want it. Those relationships have issues, just as monogamous relationships have issues.

I find staying faithful to one person very easy when I love them (and genuinely like them as a person) but I've also experienced not genuinely liking the person I was with and in that relationship, being unfaithful, had my moral compass not gotten in the way, would have been easy.

I find this confusing. Why would you even stay with someone past the knowledge that you didn't like them?

[dickriculous]

Obviously, no one read the link re: The 5 Myths of Polyamourous Relationships!

Of course they didn't read the link, or if they did they blew it off as soon as they saw it wasn't what they wanted to hear. People don't like it when facts and reality do not coincide with their own prejudice, so instead of learning they immerse themselves further within their own misguided preconceptions.

Believe it or not, people can be in equal love with more then one person.

This is common sense to anyone who actually knows what love is. People who say "only monogamous relationships provide true love" are talking about love as if love is some arbitrary set of rules and conditions which, if not met, love cannot exist. Love, however, is actually an energy that is created by hormones and chemicals produced by your brain.

So now that we've established what love actually is, let's apply that definition to this silly "monogamy > polygamy" debate. What set of circumstances exists that makes it to where love, according to it's real definition, can only coexist with a monogamy and not with a polygamy? I need actual facts here people.

[VerticalMoon]

I think I'm lucky that my husband and I have very active imaginations which we use to role-play with each other. We'll role-play everything from sweet romantic love stories to very deviant sexual scenarios. When we get a good fantasy going, it can last for months and be just as intense as falling in love for the first time. There's no reason or need to be with somebody new because any of the excitement or benefits of being with a new person we can recreate with each other anyway.

Even if we didn't have that, I'm pretty sure I'd still choose monogamy. I'm not somebody who forms relationship with people easily. So to have a best friend as caring as my husband that I'm compatible with on so many different levels, that's something I'm really grateful for. Unless we really couldn't be happy together in the long-term, it wouldn't be worth taking the risk of losing that.

[Wakeup]

^^ I'll suggest that whoever comes in with "actual facts" doesn't use Oxytocin as proof that people are meant to be monogamous. It's a bonding chemical that is released during orgasm and released during breast feeding to help a mother and child bond so its going to be able to bond you to more then one person at one time.

I did read where Oxy is released during attempts at pair bonding. That doesn't mean it stops being released in our bodies during polyous bonding though.

I've said it before in these types of threads... there are very few species that actually are monogamous. They may pair up for life ~ LIFEmates... but DNA studies have concluded that Mr. LIFEmate has gone out and fathered offspring with a different partner. Now, I guess you could call THAT cheating since I doubt he asked his lifemate for permission.

[Wakeup]

I think I'm lucky that my husband and I have very active imaginations which we use to role-play with each other. We'll role-play everything from sweet romantic love stories to very deviant sexual scenarios. When we get a good fantasy going, it can last for months and be just as intense as falling in love for the first time.

That's wonderful.

There's no reason or need to be with somebody new because any of the excitement or benefits of being with a new person we can recreate with each other anyway.

I'll correct that for you by saying there is no reason or need to be with somebody new FOR YOU TWO.

There are lots of us who need an emotional bond with those we are being sexually intimate with. The thing with polyamory is that in many cases, there IS an emotional bond with those they are having sex with. The name itself mean more then one love. Mono/Poly. As I said, it's possible to love or be in love (for those who think there is a distinction) with more then one person.

[VerticalMoon]

That's wonderful.

I'll correct that for you by saying there is no reason or need to be with somebody new FOR YOU TWO.

Yeah. I was responding more to Michelle's original question which said "for you personally" rather than to where the thread had gone since then. So I didn't think to clarify that I was talking just about myself.

I do think the majority of people aren't cut out for non-monogamous types of relationships, but there are some that make it work. If they're happy, good for them.

[michelle23]

I have heard (I don't have any proof) that polygamous couples often have a favorite. Example; man with 4 wives usually favors one and his offspring with her..

Also when people have an affair and they are all infatuated they usually get so close to their new lover-they start pushing their partner away.. They become fixated and obsessed on this new love..

When male hamsters were injected with vasopressin (male pair bonding hormone) they started marking their territory like crazy all over their cage. When montane voles (who are normally promiscuous) were injected with vasopressin they stopped multiple shagging and became fixated and obsessed with ONE female...

Apparantly men who were tested for vasopressin-those who had the correct proportion of it were all in happy relationships with no crisis in the past year. Those who had a deformity to their vasopressin receptor hormones-reported unhappy relationships with at least one crisis in the past year.

I am not saying polygamous relationships dont or cant work. I am saying for the majority of humans-people who have the correct proportion of all their bonding hormones it is rare that they would want more than one.

And WU saying that some of those monogamous animals cheat doesn't prove anything. That could be 1 in 100 for all we know. The people looking for that evidence are only searching for one side of the argument so it is biased.

I have not seen any scientific evidence what so ever to say that humans are not meant to be monogamous. I have found a lot of evidence on the other side of the argument. Plus it goes way back to the time of the dinosaurs who were very like humans in their bonding and family behavior and they male and female were both alpha (like wolves) the reason those animals survived for so long (like humans) is because of their family dynamic

Anyway I am not asking for facts or evidence etc or articles in this thread. I am only asking for personal opinions. This debate could go on and on until the end of time. People will believe what they want to believe. Lets keep this on topic and just give me your personally opinion on monogamy and whether you would rather live some other way or not.

[Wakeup]

I have heard (I don't have any proof) that polygamous couples often have a favorite. Example; man with 4 wives usually favors one and his offspring with her..

What is your point? They often don't have a favourite and they share equally.

Also when people have an affair and they are all infatuated they usually get so close to their new lover-they start pushing their partner away.. They become fixated and obsessed on this new love..

"An affaire" is not the same as a polyamourous situation. Once again you bring cheating into the scenario when polyamory does not have anything to do with cheating.

When male hamsters were injected with vasopressin (male pair bonding hormone) they started marking their territory like crazy all over their cage. When montane voles (who are normally promiscuous) were injected with vasopressin they stopped multiple shagging and became fixated and obsessed with ONE female...

Well I guess we could inject all human males with vasopressin to see how they reacted. ?

Apparantly men who were tested for vasopressin-those who had the correct proportion of it were all in happy relationships with no crisis in the past year. Those who had a deformity to their vasopressin receptor hormones-reported unhappy relationships with at least one crisis in the past year.

Whats this got to do with polyamory?

I am not saying polygamous relationships dont or cant work. I am saying for the majority of humans-people who have the correct proportion of all their bonding hormones it is rare that they would want more than one.

Please sort your source that men who have the correct proportion of their bonding hormones only want one. I know there are men who only want one (many of them) but that doesn't mean that we were all meant to be monogamous. I have the ability to see two sides of this even though I am monogamous by nature.

And WU saying that some of those monogamous animals cheat doesn't prove anything. That could be 1 in 100 for all we know. The people looking for that evidence are only searching for one side of the argument so it is biased.

The point is: Even animals that were once deemed to be monogamous, are not.

I have not seen any scientific evidence what so ever to say that humans are not meant to be monogamous. I have found a lot of evidence on the other side of the argument. Plus it goes way back to the time of the dinosaurs who were very like humans in their bonding and family behavior and they male and female were both alpha (like wolves) the reason those animals survived for so long (like humans) is because of their family dynamic

All you have to do is use your common sense to realize that, as I said earlier, the world was not populated by one monogamous couple.

[michelle23]

WU I am not gonna go back and forth. I am exhausted today lol and really do not have the energy. I take your point on board and I agree that some humans are not naturally monogamous. I have believed that for a long time. That some are incapable of monogamy but I believe that most are naturally monogamous and I too have looked at both sides of the argument in detail. I respect others view on this topic and do not wish to argue.

I just want personal opinions to answer my questions in my original post. I don't want to debate monogamy vs polygamy again. I really don't care what others choose to do. I know what works for me and what I want. That is all that really matters. I would not judge others who wish to have open or polygamous relationships. I respect them for being honest. The only issue I have is with those who lie and cheat and deceive others and cause a lot of pain

The main issue I have with polygamous relationships is that they are not based around equality. It may be possible to love more than one but I highly doubt these couples share the same intimacy, closeness and friendship of that of a happy monogamous couple.

[Wakeup]

Once again... polyamory is NOT about cheating. But yes, most non-sociopathic people don't like people who cheat and cause pain.. People who are chronic cheaters have a problem of wanting a monogamous union but are unable to maintain it. Too bad they keep trying.

[michelle23]

I know it is not cheating if they all agree to it. lol I don't believe it is cheating.

[Wakeup]

Okay let me try to explain without seeming confrontational: When you keep inputting facts and statements about cheating into your comments, it implies that you think that it is in fact cheating or, that you are confused about exactly what polyamory is because you relate an affair to the situation when we are not talking about affairs.

So: If you don't think it is cheating then maybe don't input ideas and symptoms of cheating into your thoughts on polyamory when it is anything BUT cheating. Do you see?

[michelle23]

When you keep inputting facts and statements about cheating into your comments, it implies that you think that it is in fact cheating or, that you are confused about exactly what polyamory is because you relate an affair to the situation when we are not talking about affairs.

I was talking purely about humans being monogamous/non-monogamous when I mentioned the example of affairs. Not polygamous relationships.

So: If you don't think it is cheating then maybe don't input ideas and symptoms of cheating into your thoughts on polyamory when it is anything BUT cheating. Do you see?

Yes. I know what polygamous relationship are. I have studied them in school and college. Different types of marriages etc... I know it is not cheating as all parties involved are aware of each other and in many cases enter into the marriage knowing that this is how it is going to be. In some cases, a spouse may not agree or be happy with it but in some cultures men have more rights and therefore some women have no choice but to do what they are told which I believe is wrong. There is also they case where a woman may marry 3 or 4 brothers usually in very poor societies where more than one man is required to work in order for the family to survive.

In many cases polygamous relationships exist due to financial reasons or lack of male population. A lot of the time it is based on convenience and not love.

[michelle23]

Obviously, no one read the link re: The 5 Myths of Polyamourous Relationships!

I did read it