Lack of Marriage Proposal after 9 years together...feeling resentment/anger. Help.

[Daisy415]

After nine years of dating my boyfriend, I feel extremely resentful, angry, used, hurt, alone and unloved. We are both in our early 30's.

My patience has gone and we've had more and more fights.

Two months ago, he delivered an invitation to me to attend his younger brother's wedding in September. The deadline to RSVP was a month ago and I purposely missed the deadline for it. He's been telling me that this wedding is a big deal and that I must attend with him since he is the best man. I am not sure if I still have to go even though I didn't send back the reply.

This weekend was his brother's bachelor party, I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just let everything out. I told him we should break up and I kept calling him dumb. I feel so angry and resentful, I feel I wasted so much time waiting for him. While he's been out of town having a good time, I have been crying the whole weekend.

While he went out of town for his brother's bachelor party, I felt the pain and the reality that his younger brother is getting hitched and he isn't. I feel this should have been his bachelor party instead and not his brother's.

This weekend, I told him that we should break up, but at the same time, I'm afraid that I will make it without him since I have spent a huge part of my life with him. I also feel pressure from my parents to have children as my biological clock is running out. I am pressured to stay with him for the sake of having kids for that very reason.

I don't know how to deal with my resentment, we have talked about marriage before but it's always just talk. I have so much disgust towards him. I want to punish him by saying "no" when and if he finally proposes, but at the same time I'm hoping he will. I've been putting him down verbally because I'm so angry inside.

I don't know if we are still in love anymore. He tends to check out other women (especially ones who are dressed provacatively). I have told him I don't like it, but he still continues to do it.

If we are still together by September, I really don't want to attend this wedding because I am afraid I won't be able to control my emotions when I am there. Would you do if you were in my situation and would you attend this wedding?

Please help.

[basilandthyme]

Daisy, if you can't attend a wedding without losing your temper, then it's time to end things. You must remember that this wedding isn't about you.

Truth be told, you can be angry at him all you like for not proposing and wasting nine years - but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to get into this situation. I suspect that most other girls would have ended things with him many years ago if marriage was important to them.

Forget the idea of saying "no" when he proposes. Why? A) it's unlikely he ever will propose and B) you'd just be wasting even more time waiting for it to happen. And forget the idea of having kids with this guy. If he can't get married after nine years, what makes you think he's ever going to have kids with you?

It's time to cut him loose. Based on what you've written, you clearly have zero respect for him so marriage at this point would be a terrible idea. You do have time to start again - but only if you can be ruthless and move on if a guy doesn't have the same goals as you.

[searock]

He tends to check out other women (especially ones who are dressed provacatively). I have told him I don't like it, but he still continues to do it.

Every guy checks out other women, it doesn't mean they don't love their girlfriend. As long as he doesn't openly stare, and/or stop listening to you or paying attention to you just to admire other women, there is nothing inherently wrong with what he does.

I wouldn't go to the wedding if I knew I would make a scene.

I would have left the first time marriage was brought up and I realized he didn't want to get married. I assume you did talk about your views on marriage in the early stages of the relationship? If so, I can't understand why you stayed with him for so long even if you knew that you had different plans.

[Daisy415]

Every guy checks out other women, it doesn't mean they don't love their girlfriend. As long as he doesn't openly stare, and/or stop listening to you or paying attention to you just to admire other women, there is nothing inherently wrong with what he does.

I wouldn't go to the wedding if I knew I would make a scene.

I would have left the first time marriage was brought up and I realized he didn't want to get married. I assume you did talk about your views on marriage in the early stages of the relationship? If so, I can't understand why you stayed with him for so long even if you knew that you had different plans.

We had the same views on marriage and children when we spoke about it.

On the subject of looking at other women, a friend of mine told me "when you told him that you did not appreciate that he keeps looking at other women, he would stop if he actually valued the relationship.........."

[searock]

We had the same views on marriage and children when we spoke about it.

On the subject of looking at other women, a friend of mine told me "when you told him that you did not appreciate that he keeps looking at other women, he would stop if he actually valued the relationship.........."

Would you stop scratching a part of skin that itches somewhere on your body, if your boyfriend asked you not to do it? Looking at other women is completely innocuous per se. Even us women look at other guys, we know it doesn't mean that we don't love our boyfriends. A reasonable compromise is for him to stop looking when he's with you. I too would be annoyed if my boyfriend looked at other women all the time while I'm with him - I would find it very rude.

Anyway, so he changed his mind along the way? Have you asked him recently why he hasn't proposed yet? Have you asked him if he plans to get married with you any time in the future, and if so, in how many years? You are in your early 30s, you should be making longterm plans. If he refuses to give you straight answers, just leave and find a guy who shares your same views.

[basilandthyme]

We had the same views on marriage and children when we spoke about it.

On the subject of looking at other women, a friend of mine told me "when you told him that you did not appreciate that he keeps looking at other women, he would stop if he actually valued the relationship.........."

If you've discussed marriage and he knows how you feel, why hasn't it happened? Words are cheap....but it's the actions which have meaning. Have you directly asked him about his timeline for marriage? What did he say...and has he stuck to it?

Regarding looking at other women: men will look (and so will women), but the thoughtful ones are discreet

[Valixy]

Daisy, I do not think that you should let your parents or anyone else pressure you into this. Getting married and having children is a huge step that you should make with a man you love and trust. If you think that you and your boyfriend still love each other then it would be right for you to talk about how important marriage is becoming for you and how much you need to take this relationship to another level. If he doesn't understand you or doesn't feel the same maybe you should break up without too much resentment because sometimes people simply stop being the right one for each other and need to go separate ways, but hopefully this won't be your case.

In my opinion, you should try to make the best of your life with or without a partner and not stressing too much over the marriage/kids thing. It's overrated and too many get to realise that but not many would admit. Your life follows its own rhythm and what others think about that should not matter to you in the slightest, but you should always be able to see things clearly for yourself and take the decisions that best suit you.

[TablesandChairs]

You are wasting valuable time with someone you resent and who no longer makes you happy; do you actually, really really want to marry him? Or is it that you simply feel like you should have been married by now (not an unreasonable expectation after nearly a decade together).

You're talking like you're 50 years old; there's still time to find someone else and believe me, sometimes when you find the right person, things progress very quickly and it makes you realize how stagnant your former relationship was.

Have a chat to him; a real heart-to-heart with no name calling or yelling. The outcome of that conversation should bring you closer to what you're supposed to do.

[michelle23]

Hun i think its time to end this. Dont allow fear to hold you back. There is still time to meet a great man. My aunt had two kids in her late 30s and married at 40. I know another woman who had her first child at 35 and another two since then.

How long have you been arguing over this. He knows damn well how you feel and nothing has changed. I think you just have to find the strenght and courage to do it. No more talking, cheap words, false promises, BS excuses. Take action. Pack up your stuff, tell him its over and leave.

You cannot marry a man you resent and are angry at. You would be divorced within 5years. I think you are so focused on marriage and your biological clock that you have not really looked properly at all the cracks in this relationship and realized that this man no longer makes you happy.

If you stay and bitch and whine, argue, fight, nag for the next year and still nothing changes-that makes you a doormat. As i said already he knows how you feel, he knows what you want, he knows how upset you are and still no results. Cut him loose babe.

Ill add most men and women look at other attractive people. Being in love doesnt make you go blind. However if its obvious to the point that your friends are mentioning it-i would call that total disrespect to you

[BoredGeorge]

My god don't listen to these idiots. Don't end it work it out. If marriage is the only problem then you're set. He probably doesn't even know.

[BoredGeorge]

Daisy, I do not think that you should let your parents or anyone else pressure you into this. Getting married and having children is a huge step that you should make with a man you love and trust. If you think that you and your boyfriend still love each other then it would be right for you to talk about how important marriage is becoming for you and how much you need to take this relationship to another level. If he doesn't understand you or doesn't feel the same maybe you should break up without too much resentment because sometimes people simply stop being the right one for each other and need to go separate ways, but hopefully this won't be your case.

In my opinion, you should try to make the best of your life with or without a partner and not stressing too much over the marriage/kids thing. It's overrated and too many get to realise that but not many would admit. Your life follows its own rhythm and what others think about that should not matter to you in the slightest, but you should always be able to see things clearly for yourself and take the decisions that best suit you.

Bla bla, she is 30, not 20. You people :S

[BoredGeorge]

We had the same views on marriage and children when we spoke about it.

On the subject of looking at other women, a friend of mine told me "when you told him that you did not appreciate that he keeps looking at other women, he would stop if he actually valued the relationship.........."

Sounds retarded and gay. Men love hot bitches. Deal with it.

[lalalita]

9 years and not even an engagement? I wouldn't be okay with that.

I'm curious if he's constantly making excuses for why he hasn't proposed yet, always stringing you along.

There are plenty of men out there who would love to marry you, and who would do it within a reasonable amount of time.

[michelle23]

My god don't listen to these idiots. Don't end it work it out. If marriage is the only problem then you're set. He probably doesn't even know.

She has tried. 9 years of trying.
He knows she wants to get married and he doesnt care so its better to find someone who is on the same page who wants the same things

if you think any woman would stay with a guy who has no motivation to plan for the future than your deuded. If im not married by the time im 30 then i will be leaving him. Simple as

[namemyname]

OK, you're not going to like this reality check, but here it comes...

After nine years, he's NEVER going to marry you. EVER.

And what will happen, because this nearly always does, you will break up, and, within 3 months, he'll be engaged to someone else.

Why? Because in nine years of dating you, he is well aware of what is missing for him, and as soon as he is single again, he will be dead set on being sure to find it, and will find it quickly and swiftly.

YOU should be thinking the exact same thing, hon. After nine years, you have to know what's lacking here, and it's not just that he won't marry you.