Desperatly need marriage advice

[fernando]

I will give a brief description of my situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I seperated from my wife last year after 10 years together. We have 2 young boys aged 2 and 4. My wife left due to me basically taking her for granted. I have had a hell of a lot of time to think and i desperatly want to make a go of my marriage with the woman i love. Ive told my wife i still love her and would like to give it another shot. She suggested a family holiday which we have just come back from. It went really well. I have fallen in love with her all over again. Problem is she says she doesnt feel the same at the moment but wants to go on dates to see if anything happens.

I would like to know from a womans point of view, am i wasting my time? I dont want to carry on if im going to end up upset all over again. She says she wants to be with me but still says she doesnt feel like she wants to rip my clothes off when she sees me, which is how she thinks she should feel. Ive argued that after 10 years together i doubt there are many couples that do feel like that. Instead there relationship is built on friendship and love.Or am i wrong.

I desperatly dont want to lose my family but im at my wits end with worry.

Help!!

[michelle23]

Ask her for marriage counselling. It would be the best thing for you both right now. And agree to go slow and date again, not just move back in.

What she is talking about is lust, not love. A counsellor will help her understand that and help you bring the spark back to your marriage.

You do need to ask your wife is there someone else? Or was there someone else? But its better to do that in a controlled environment via counselling.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you date while you have couples councelling sessions so that you can get all this lack of passion talk out of the way with someone who can help you to get back on track. At least then you'll know you're both making a concerted effort to reconcile and rekindle the lust.

I suggest you stop taking the children when you go on a holiday to try and re-connect with one another. How can you concentrate on one another when you have to toddlers to worry about? This should be about you and her right now... not you, her and your children. Take her away for a mini-holiday just the two of you, make it romantic and sexy where she doesn't have to change diapers or make sure her kids are'nt drowning.

Good luck, I hope it works out for all of you.

[fernando]

Thanks for the feedback. I have suggested counselling but she doesnt think it will help. Although i need her to see the lust thing is something i dont think is that important after 10 years. We are on a date next weekend but i worry that me constantly telling her i love her and me touching her will push her away. Im trying so hard to be the husband i should have been before but im scared to death its to late. She gives me hope by wanting to go on these dates but her constanly saying she doesnt think of me sexually worries me.

[michelle23]

Tell your wife this happens to a lot of couples, its a v common problem and counselling does help many. Tell her if she wants your marriage to have any hope of surviving than you need to work together to fix it. Tell her counseling is really important to you and will she please just try it. Book a session before you approach her. Say i will be there monday ar 4 and i eally hope you can join me and leave it at that. If she doesnt turn up, you should still go. It would be good for you to talk to someone whether she is there or not

good luck

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Date her like she suggests, but **** other women. She's either playing games or she's deluded. Either way, bringing another woman into the picture only helps you in this scenario. Right now she's in complete control and she knows it. Seeing that another woman is interested may even spark that passion up again.

Filing for divorce is also a good idea. Sounds counterintuitive, but she has to see that she is losing you, not that you are her bitch, crawling back. If she's okay with it, then she was never going to let you back in anyway. End it on your terms.

[michelle23]

Backup: they have been married ten years. It may work for you in your 1month relationships with attention whores but that is v bad advice to give to a married man who has 2 young children. I hope you never get married or have kids. Everything isnt as black and white as you see it

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the feedback. I have suggested counselling but she doesnt think it will help. Although i need her to see the lust thing is something i dont think is that important after 10 years. We are on a date next weekend but i worry that me constantly telling her i love her and me touching her will push her away. Im trying so hard to be the husband i should have been before but im scared to death its to late. She gives me hope by wanting to go on these dates but her constanly saying she doesnt think of me sexually worries me.

Sorry, Fernando but passion is very important in a relationship.. lust is a different thing from passion btw. Stop constantly telling her you love her.. you've done that already and now it's up to her to be telling you she loves you back.. Yes? So, you have to work at getting the passion back in your times when the children are not your focus.

Like I said, I think it was a big mistake to take your children on your reconciliation holiday. The family holiday should have been booked for when you are together again in the family home and she has regained her passion for you and your sexual times together.

Remember what you did with her when you were first dating her, well get that sexual tension back into your interactions and hopefully her libido for you will be enhanced. Tease her, make out with her, but don't immediately have sex with her.

Seduce a woman's mind and her body will soon follow. I've been married for three decades and we know that you have to keep your seduction of one another going. We still flirt with one another like we did when we first were attracted to one another. If you take one another for granted and stop the seduction and private times away from the children then the passion will certainly wain with time.

Do you have a reliable babysitter who you trust to watch your children for over-night type dates?

[fernando]

We have an overnight date lined up for next saturday which i am really looking forward to. I will stop telling her i love her from now on and see how that goes. Im very nervous about the date though as if afterwards she still doesnt want to touch or kiss me i think i am going to feel crushed. Im ringing her tonight and i will again broach the subject of counselling but would this make her feel as though i am pressuring her?

Thanks again for your feedback. This is a very stressful and upsetting time especially with two children involved.

[michelle23]

I would advise to pressure her. You are in over your head. I dont think you can fix this on your own. You do need help

[Wakeup]

We have an overnight date lined up for next saturday which i am really looking forward to. I will stop telling her i love her from now on and see how that goes. Im very nervous about the date though as if afterwards she still doesnt want to touch or kiss me i think i am going to feel crushed. Im ringing her tonight and i will again broach the subject of counselling but would this make her feel as though i am pressuring her?

Thanks again for your feedback. This is a very stressful and upsetting time especially with two children involved.

Baby steps for now, fernando. Don't have any expectations of what will happen. Just be passionate and spontanious as you focus on one another without the distractions of the children.

Don't broach the subject of councelling until you see how things go on your date. Then, if they go well, then broach it because you wan to keep things headed in the right direction. You can' force her to go and putting pressure on her to won't help your cause.

Do have a good time and let us know how it turns out... no expectations.. fun and romance and seduction. When you see her responding .. then go for it without pushing.

[Wakeup]

I'll add that keep in mind she's willing to go away with you and try. That in itself is a positive.

[fernando]

Last question from me tonight. I'm going to text her the following message. Do you think it's a good idea

I don't want you to feel I am pressurising you all the time as I really don't want to push you away.*

If like me you would like to save our marriage and I honestly think the years we have put in (and especially now we have two beautiful children) it is worth saving. Would you please consider seeing a marriage counsellor? I am going to see one myself anyway as I think it would be a great help to me. You being willing to go on dates with me and spend time with me makes me hope you do want to save our marriage as long as you get the lust back.*

I married you darlin because I enjoyed being with you. It wasn't a marriage based on looks. Of course I fancied you and still do. But the lust dwindles over time but the love and friendship remains strong. I truly believe that if we were to continue to have dates once a week and have weekends away without the kids once a month , that lust and passion would come back. We just have to make a conscious effort to keep doing. Not just for the first few months but until were old and the Viagra has stopped working.*

Please think about it.*

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Backup: they have been married ten years. It may work for you in your 1month relationships with attention whores but that is v bad advice to give to a married man who has 2 young children. I hope you never get married or have kids. Everything isnt as black and white as you see it

As I say to you each time you tell me it isn't black and white, the point of my advice is to make it black and white and force a decision one way or the other, so that the person is not in constant limbo. It doesn't matter how long they've been together.

My old boss and his wife separated, and when he was sick of waiting for her to decide he filed for divorce. When served the papers she decided that she wanted him to move back in. This was after close 20 years of marriage.

[fernando]

im going to text her the following message. Do you think its a good idea.

I dont want you to feel i am pressurising you all the time as i really dont want to push you away.

If like me you would like to save our marriage and i honestly think the years we have put in ( and especially now we have two beautiful children) it is worth saving. Would you please consider seeing a marriage counsellor ? I am going to see one myself anyway as i think it would be a great help to me. You being willing to go on dates with me and spend time with me makes me hope you do want to save our marriage as long as you get the lust back.

I married you because i enjoyed being with you. It wasnt a marriage based on looks. Of course i fancied you and still do. But the lust dwindles over time but the love and friendship remains strong. I truly believe that if we were to continue to have dates once a week and have weekends away without the kids once a month, that lust and passion would come back. We just have to make a conscious effort to keep doing it. Not just for the first few months but forever.

Please do think about it.