Advice needed for awkward situation!

[Supersweet26]

Yes just seems like its always up and down though? I love him a alot. I do want a future with him! That's why I can't understand my feelings for the other guy??

[michelle23]

Yes just seems like its always up and down though? I love him a alot. I do want a future with him! That's why I can't understand my feelings for the other guy??

It means there is something wrong. You are trying to escape from something, trying to distract yourself. If you want this to work-get marriage counselling. It sounds like you both need it-him to learn how to treat you better, to not be selfish or inconsiderate, you to learn to forgive and to stop thinking the grass is greener.

If you never made him pay for his betrayal. If he hasn't accepted full responsibility and isnt truly sorry-he will do it again. If that issue was brushed under the carpet it needs to be addressed.

[Wakeup]

You met a guy while on "a break" from your partner, you screwed him and got pregnant and you refuse to let your thoughts of him, he who you don't even know past the length of his oscar myer weiner, go. Have I got that right?

When you put it all in just one sentence, can you see the futility and ridiculousness of your situation? Surely you can let this go without the drama, Yes?

[Wakeup]

... all it takes is a bit of maturity and the ability to change your thoughts and yearning OFF of Oscar and refocus them onto your 12 year long partner. Start by booking a night out without your kids and have some fun.

[horndog]

Of course the other guy is going to seem amazing. I could go out tomorrow and screw my brains out with another woman and I bet she would seem amazing to. Its because I would not be living in the real world with this other woman. There affair would be without all the responsibilities and crap that come with a long term relationship. guess what though, if you dump your man of 12 years and hook up with "Mr. Amazing" you will eventually have to deal with all the same mundane realities with him as in your current relationship, that is if it even lasts.

You need to get a paternity test on the kid and deal with that situation directly and face any consequences head on.

[Supersweet26]

Yeah I know I think we have needed it for years! But he won't go for that! He won't be told he is wrong either. Over the years so much has been brushed under the carpet I wouldn't know where to start! It's my own fault I've always taken the crap and got on with it I guess it was going to fall apart eventually one person can only take so much!

Wake up: the more I try with my partner the worse it gets the more I put in to us the more he takes! I'm not some tramp who has done the dirty cos I just felt like it one day! I have taken mental abuse for years and when I finally get away that happened. I wasn't craving sex I wanted affection. It's the cuddles all night long that got me not what's in his pants.
If I thought I could book a night away I'd be we'll up for trying but it wouldn't happen it has to b on his terms.

I know what your saying horndog but doesn't take how I feel away!

[michelle23]

I would leave if I were you. Life is too short to be this miserable. It takes two to make a marriage work. If he wont do counselling then you are on your own girl and I think its time to get out.

You just have to find the strength and courage to do it

[Wakeup]

Wake up: the more I try with my partner the worse it gets the more I put in to us the more he takes! I'm not some tramp who has done the dirty cos I just felt like it one day! I have taken mental abuse for years and when I finally get away that happened. I wasn't craving sex I wanted affection. It's the cuddles all night long that got me not what's in his pants.
If I thought I could book a night away I'd be we'll up for trying but it wouldn't happen it has to b on his terms.

I know what your saying horndog but doesn't take how I feel away!

You need personal therapy, love. Forget the couples councelling. Work on you and your own state of mind, your self worth, your courage, your self-respect with the help of a good councellor versed in codependency. It may take you a couple before you find one that you will feel comfortable enough with to open up like you just did to us. You're seeking your validation from men instead of from within, from accomplishments and things that make you proud of yourself. You pick men who are no good for you because that's all you feel you deserve. That is the issue right now.. work on you and the rest will follow.

Make an appointment with your doctor. Start with him and he'll refer you to the first therapist you'll see, if he/she isn't too your liking then don't be afraid to ask for someone else.

Don't do nothing but complain to strangers and/or friends and family. That is a favorite thing for codependent people to do while they stay in thier situation.. which, does nothing to improve their lot or their codependency. There are also online support groups for abused women and men as well as codependent anonymous groups that will also help you better then anyone here will be able to because they can relate better and give you personal experience.

Good luck

[Supersweet26]

Thanks I'm going to look into that. I need to do something soon b4 I fall apart!
I didn't know there was online help u can get! I have never gone for help b4 as I don't have time always juggling the kids house and washing cooking n cleaning and I work aswell. Not too good at talking to a person either it's so much easier to say things when that persons not sat in front of you!

I think I need to build my self bk up b4 ill have any strength and courage! Nice to know where to start though I don't feel so lost!