do i hold out hope for him?

[buzz bee]

Ok this is going to be a long story, i can feel it......

My guy and i have been best of friends for 6 years, we had an attraction to each other for the first four but where young and silly and never found ourselves single at the same time.... finally two years ago we where both single and decided to give it a go...... we have been together now just under two years.


So here is the problem.. ive never been a great drunk and have ruined numerous occassions for him since ive gotten very drunk/messy/upset/embarrassing... Quite a few in fact since about may last year i can think of at least 5-6 occuassions where ive just gotten upsetat him... normally over silly things that dont bother me when sober... ive also hit him while parraletically drunk once in may when the relationship hit the rocks a little but he told me he loved me and we would work it out and now again about 9 days ago when this time he has finally said its over.

He has never been mad at me for too long, we have broken up and gotten back together prolly 4 times since we got back from overseas 6 weeks ago, once cos i was being stupid and told him it was over, once when i got upset while drunk and verbally abused him and then the night i hit him. He has not been happy with my behaviour while drinking and i still continue to get drunk and push him away. the other weekend he has it was just it, the straw that broke the camels back, he cant do it anymore and although still attracted to me he no longer loves me. For the first time i havent been able to talk him around and when i do he quickly returns to his no its over.... i promised him a few weekends ago that this would never happen again and it did... i embarress him.... im pushing himaway and i dont know what to do, i really dont know if he still loves me, how could you love someone when they do all of this to you? i know that he is still confussed and hurt - i also know that since the incident he has put up a photo of us in his room, still have a pic in his wallet and is wearing a necklace i bought him for his birthday and sleeping with the stuffed pig i gave him for his birhtday - when i ask him about these things he says its because he needs to remember the good times.

Ive told him im getting help - that im seeing a psycotherapist and that im not going to be drinking in a social environment again. I dotn know what else i can do. He has told me taht its already to late, that ive pretty much already lost him and he doesnt love me anymore yet he still takes my calls, listens to me and agrees for me to come over, and invites me in when all im doign is droping him home from our sports games. He says that it was always going to have to end sometime and that its going to take me montsh to prove to him that ive changed and even then it may not make a difference to him.... i really dont know what to do, he says that its over, that he needs time and thinks that maybe one day it can work but he doesnt want to give me false hope.

I love him so much and i dont know what to do, does he just need time or should i be moving on? its been just over a week since i hit him while drunk.... what should i do??

He told me last nite again that he just needs time, but that time does not guarentee that he will want to be with me again... he also told me that he hasnt cried about what happened yet and hasnt really thought about or confronted it...... i dont think i can talk about his feelings with him yet if he hasnt thought about them himself..... does he still love me? should i be waiting for him to deal with this inside himself or should i be giving up?

[misombra]

...get help and chalk it up as a lesson.

[Jsnowman]

Give it time. Work on yourself. Prove to him that you are changing yourself for you. Leave him alone to think about it. Don't call him and badger, let him call you to see how you are doing. If he never calls, never changes his mind, then move on. One week is not nearly enough time. If you want to prove to him that things will be different, you have to give him a reason to think just that. He obviously has not shut the door completly but he will if you constantly call. Bottom line, work on you, then worry about the relationship. Good luck!

[misombra]

to be honest i don't think he'll ever get back to you. nobody with an ounce of self-respect would get with a person like you. getting drunk and beating up your boyfriend isn't acceptable behavior. he could easily find someone who won't do those things to him. for real, go get some help. you have an illness that needs to be taken care of or you'll be in this scenario again and again.

[buzz bee]

who do you think you are to pass judgement on me like that? you have no idea of the issues that we have faced in our relationship and although what i did was very very wrong i NEVER beat him... i hit him with an open hand a couple of times and was so drunk i dont remember it.

I am getting help for my problems thank you very much, and am sorting out the reasons why i get drunk and lash out.

[misombra]

not passing judgement.

telling it like it is since 1978.

[confusedsoul]

I think he has said very clearly what he needs.. He mentioned that it might take few months for him to actually see whether u have changed. So dont expect him to change in another 2 weeks.. I would say he is still being very positive, being a nice friend and you know he cares bout you. So that makes it your responsibility to show him how much u care bout his feelings.. Go through your therapy and if u work on it things might as well improve..BALL IS CERTAINLY IN YOUR COURT

And just as an aside, no one would judge u here... but yes you get to hear things at your face and I feel thats good for all of us.. Your relation could have definitely been through a lot, but with whatever info you provided here I think its safe to say that work on ur problems and see where things go

[buzz bee]

ok its been two and a half weeks since the 'incident' and he still doesnt know what he wants to do.... he tells me still that he cant see himself with me again, that he doesnt believe he will love me again but then he is only thinking 6 weeks into the future.... he is still very hurt by everything that has happened.... but he is talking to me for hours on end.... is it a good sign? does he still need more time to deal with what ive done or am i flogging a dead horse? is this relationship over?

we sat and talked for two hours last nite, he wants to see me again tonite and we are gonig to the movies on the weekend? so why the mixed signals? if he doesnt love me like he says why does he want to spend all this time with me??

[buzz bee]

ok well heres an update:

its been 4 weeks now since i hit him:

we went to the movies the other nite and he ended up screaming at me in the car on the way home, calling me a psycho and to deal with what was happenening, that i was imature and needed to grow up because i couldnt deal with being friends with him straight away.. he really scared me

he came to a counselling session with me two days later and basically we just talked about our problems... the counsellor told him it sounded like he didnt want to be in any sort of relationship - since all he was worried about when i had my 'episodes' was me ruining his fun night out - he said that all though i embarressed him he was never hurt by what i did, and he has lost alot of respect for me which is understandable... he said that he wants a few more weeks of little contact between the two of us and then to try to be friends... the cousellor said that it would take me 3-6 months at least to heal and begin to think we could be friends, assuming i did at all.... so that was that... then in the car on the way home when i asked him if he thought he could ever love me again he told me that he wasnt sure, that he still needed time and that maybe in 6,12 mths we could try again.... that maybe one day he would wake up and realise he loved me again... which i think is a little unfair... he still has me dangling from a hook and i dont have the drive to end it myself

ive imposed no contact on him and its been 4 days with no contact already... i told him to call me or contact me when he is ready and when he misses me, that hopfully the time apart will put a new perspective on things - does that happen? can time apart rekindle something? or are we too far gone? since he can handle being friends so quickly is he already over me?

is he just tryint to let me down easy? does he still care for me? or am i kidding myself?

please soemone help before i break this no contact rule ive put in place!!!! please mi begging