having doubts and anxiety

[stilldoubting]

Im sorry this is long but please read. I need help.

Me and my bf are together almost 6 years. We live together the past 3. No kids. Both working. We have always had a great relationship and have always been happy. Both want a future together (marriage, kids, own a house together) I love this man to pieces.

A few months ago I snooped in his phone. I know its wrong. I had no reason to. I have just been feeling paranoid since I read an article in a magazine about a man who lived a complete double life and his wife never suspected a thing. It sparked some anxiety in me as trust is the most important thing to me. The thought of living a lie is unbearable to me. I just wanted to be sure he had nothing to hide.

I found some websites and an email address in his history. They were no strings attached sites, f++k buddies etc I hacked into his email and saw that he had registered on a few of these sites a month before. He had no activity on them, no pictures, he didn't speak to any women and it looks as though he had not been on it since that first day of registration. It still freaked me out-I went mad over it. i kept thinking he was planning to f++king cheat on me but must have changed his mind or else he was too cheap to pay for the site so he was looking for a free one instead. I was so shocked that I lost it. I threw all his stuff into the spare room, I told him I am moving out when the lease is up and he can go to hell. I didn't sleep that night or eat all day the next day-I was crying my eyes out at work, he was so upset he got a pain in his chest and he broke down crying too. (which is unlike him)

We both calmed down and talked, I interrogated him, asked 100 questions. He swore he came across the website by accident, apparently he was just curious and just being nosy. He said he had no intention of doing anything and he would never arrange to meet anyone for sex even IF he was single. He is not like that. I believed him, we both cried and the whole thing made us realize how much we love each other and dont want to lose each other. Now he means even more to me.

The problem is still get anxiety over it. I wonder is that really all there is to it? Could there be more? What if there is another white lie somewhere? I really want to believe him, hes a good man-I really never thought for a second that he would cheat on me. Hes not the type to go looking for sex- I always thought the only thing I need to fear with him is that he would fall for someone else and leave me and that is not something I really worried about before-I just thought if he ever does cheat on me or leave me-it wont be about sex. It will probably be about feelings.. if that makes sense. So because of that we have discussed boundaries and done our research on emotional affairs so we don't end up in that situation.

The problem is one day we are great-everything is perfect. The next I am riddled with doubt-cannot sleep, I am distant and upset and I ask him the same questions again. I told him last night I am not sure if I trust him anymore. I told him everything good we had is slowly being destroyed. I feel awful now for saying those things. He said deep down if you didn't believe me you wouldn't still be here. He swore again that he never had any intentions of doing anything.

So my question is what now? Where do we go from here? Do you guys think he is telling me the truth?

Thank you

[stilldoubting]

ps our sex life is (or at least was before this) really good. We were very active sexually, very open with each other, happy to explore new things and keep it interesting. I buy sexy outfits and do my best to tease him etc around the house. Have baths together, massage. We are very affectionate and flirty. There is honestly no issues at all.

Recently our sex life has been less frequent because I am distant because of all this. Sometimes I wait until he is asleep before I go to bed because I am feeling anxious and have all these thoughts going around in my head. i really want these doubts to just go away and get back to normal.

I feel like I am being unfair to him if I keep bringing it up and making him think I don't trust him.

[Wakeup]

He had no activity on them, no pictures, he didn't speak to any women and it looks as though he had not been on it since that first day of registration.

So how long was it from registration until your discovery?

Recently our sex life has been less frequent because I am distant because of all this. Sometimes I wait until he is asleep before I go to bed

Doing this is the perfect recipe to a really good emotional DISCONNECT. Keep it up, and he will leave you or cheat on you because he's feeling unloved and unsexed. Seems unfair since he crossed a boundary, not you but that is exactly what will happen.

because I am feeling anxious and have all these thoughts going around in my head. i really want these doubts to just go away and get back to normal.

Well, if you want to stay with this man then it's a matter of mind over matter. You trust him and you stop the OCD thinking that he's going to make a fool out of you by leading a "double life." Tell your ego to shut up. If you can't let it go then you might as well just leave and let the two of you get over one another so you can find someone else.

Maybe you'd do well to get a couple of couples councelling sessions under your belt. First, book a weekend away and try to regain the focus on one another. Do it not so much for the sex but rather to try and get the bond back that you once had prior to your discovery... talk it out and tell him how you're feeling... even the part about being unable to regain your libido for him.

Maybe you could google for an article about getting over what you're currently in.

[stilldoubting]

So how long was it from registration until your discovery?

I think it was about a month after he registered that I found it in his history.

Doing this is the perfect recipe to a really good emotional DISCONNECT. Keep it up, and he will leave you or cheat on you because he's feeling unloved and unsexed. Seems unfair since he crossed a boundary, not you but that is exactly what will happen.

We still have sex but it has probably been a little less frequent the last two months. Not just because of this but also because I have an ongoing kidney infection which I am treating and he has not complained. We had sex two nights ago. The last thing I want to do is make this worse.

Well, if you want to stay with this man then it's a matter of mind over matter. You trust him and you stop the OCD thinking that he's going to make a fool out of you by leading a "double life." Tell your ego to shut up. If you can't let it go then you might as well just leave and let the two of you get over one another so you can find someone else.

I do trust him. I know hes not doing anything behind my back. The thing that scares me is if was he planning to?? I cant forgive that if he was and I cant decide whether I believe he really had no intentions.

Maybe you'd do well to get a couple of couples counselling sessions under your belt. First, book a weekend away and try to regain the focus on one another. Do it not so much for the sex but rather to try and get the bond back that you once had prior to your discovery... talk it out and tell him how you're feeling... even the part about being unable to regain your libido for him.

I don't want relationship counselling. I just want to know for sure he is not lieing to me about what I discovered. If I knew that I would be fine. But there is no way to suss that out. I watch him closely when he talks, I try to figure out if he looks guilty. Its impossible to tell

I do want to believe him but I feel like we are too close and it would be easy for him to manipulate me into believing him because he knows I want to believe him and trust him. I just want an outside perspective. If you found that info what would you think?

[Wakeup]

I think it was about a month after he registered that I found it in his history.

so not very long then. Have you asked him why he felt compelled to join such a site... asked him what he feels he is missing in his relationship with you? Why he would joint a NSA site at all?

We still have sex but it has probably been a little less frequent the last two months. Not just because of this but also because I have an ongoing kidney infection which I am treating and he has not complained.

Well you have probably given us the truth in the original way you presented your decrease in sex. This one above is more like an excuse to justify. (only you know if that is the truth as I see it) He probably senses a diferent response in you anyway even when you do do it.

We had sex two nights ago. The last thing I want to do is make this worse.

Then the mind frame has to change, right?

I do trust him.

No you don't or his explanation would suffice and you'd be back to the happy existence you enjoyed prior to your discovery.

I know hes not doing anything behind my back. The thing that scares me is if was he planning to??

This is what you have to communicate to him and talk about it until you're convinced that he's being candid and truthful (but without keeping on about it everyday)

i cant forgive that if he was and I cant decide whether I believe he really had no intentions.

Find out the reason why he joined. Make him feel safe in telling you and once you know the answer to that, you can work on it together.

I don't want relationship counselling. I just want to know for sure he is not lieing to me about what I discovered. If I knew that I would be fine.

Communicate with him. Find your answer(s).

But there is no way to suss that out. I watch him closely when he talks, I try to figure out if he looks guilty. Its impossible to tell

This is where trust comes in and whether or not you do.

I do want to believe him but I feel like we are too close and it would be easy for him to manipulate me into believing him because he knows I want to believe him and trust him. I just want an outside perspective. If you found that info what would you think?

I would think that there was something he was looking for that I wasn't giving him. I would think that perhaps he was looking for someone to supplement me.. I would need to know the "why" of it and I would know that he would have to feel safe enough to be totally vulnerable in my hands so that he would be able to tell me his inner most thoughts... even if those thoughts were going to hurt me. That is why having good communication with each other is very, very important.

[michelle23]

I really don't know what to say. This situation is tricky. It all depends on you really whether you deep down believe him or not? It is very possible that he did just go on it for a "snoop" and to be nosy.

If you have had no trust issues at all in six years-then maybe you should just give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to put this behind you. if he is a liar he will mess up again and you will get to the truth at some point but it sounds unlikely that he is lying.

I dont know how you can get rid of the doubts and anxiety. You know him best, you love him and say you trust him so the next time you are feeling this way-try to remind yourself of that

[stilldoubting]

I just had a long chat with him and I asked him again. He still swears he wasnt planning to do anything, he was really just being nosy. he said there is nothing missing from our relationship-he is happy and he would never do anything to hurt me. He said in six years he has not once flirted with anyone or wanted to. He said even if there was something missing he would come to me and try to sort it out not plan to flirt with someone else. He said he was on the website for about a minute just to see what it was like and then clicked back out of it. He then got emails from the website and three other websites that were connected to the original one. He clicked on each one once and clicked out which is why they were in his history. His history does match his story as there was only 4-5links.

When I checked his emails there was over 100 unopened emails from this website in his dustbin. He said he didn't know how to delete it permanently and they kept sending them.

Why do I still feel anxious?

[stilldoubting]

Well you have probably given us the truth in the original way you presented your decrease in sex. This one above is more like an excuse to justify.

I am not trying to justify. I admit sex is not the same but it is still regular. Just not as often as it was before.

Find out the reason why he joined.

He said the reason he joined is because he wanted to snoop. he said he couldn't be nosy unless he actually registered. I double checked and he is telling the truth. You cannot see anything on the site unless you are a member. He said he came across it when he was looking up sex tips (new ways to satisfy me) and he was just curious. He didn't give his real name or where he lives or put up photos. He didn't give any information about him at all.

I would think that there was something he was looking for that I wasn't giving him. I would think that perhaps he was looking for someone to supplement me.. I would need to know the "why" of it and I would know that he would have to feel safe enough to be totally vulnerable in my hands so that he would be able to tell me his inner most thoughts... even if those thoughts were going to hurt me. That is why having good communication with each other is very, very important.

No offence but that makes it sound like an excuse. If he did feel there was something missing-it is unforgivable to go looking for it off somebody else. He should come to me and try to deal with it in a constructive way. He said that is what he would do if there was anything wrong

[stilldoubting]

I really don't know what to say. This situation is tricky. It all depends on you really whether you deep down believe him or not? It is very possible that he did just go on it for a "snoop" and to be nosy.

If you have had no trust issues at all in six years-then maybe you should just give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to put this behind you. if he is a liar he will mess up again and you will get to the truth at some point but it sounds unlikely that he is lying.

I dont know how you can get rid of the doubts and anxiety. You know him best, you love him and say you trust him so the next time you are feeling this way-try to remind yourself of that

Thank you. You make sense but I am still scared. The last thing I want is to be lied to. I don't want to find out in five years time when we are married with a new baby that there was in fact more to it. That is what scares me

[michelle23]

It really does sound like his story is adding up. You said he is not the type to do that even if he was single. I think you need to trust him. Otherwise you are going to throw six years down the toilet with a good man who sounds genuine. If I came across a site like that I would probably be nosy too. Maybe you would as well. Id wonder is there anyone I know on it that I can have a good laugh at for being so desperate..

Curiosity got the better of him. Maybe you should just leave it there. His story adds up. He hasnt given you any reason not to trust him. You know he didn't talk to any girls on it.

[michelle23]

WU you said yourself before if I remember correctly that you looked through craiglist just for a laugh off people. I have read those weird adds in the paper-the small ones near the back that say male 30 looking for another male 20-30 for fun etc.. I think some of them are hilarious

[stilldoubting]

I know everything adds up. It all makes sense and I really want to believe him. I am just terrified that there is a lie in there somewhere. I don't know how to get past this.

[Wakeup]

No offence but that makes it sound like an excuse. If he did feel there was something missing-it is unforgivable to go looking for it off somebody else. He should come to me and try to deal with it in a constructive way. He said that is what he would do if there was anything wrong

It doesn't "sound" like an excuse it is an excuse but that is exactly what people who cheat do. They have an excuse in their minds why what they are doing (or have done) is justified. I've always said there is no excuse for cheating but people are weak and they cave to things rather then communicate. That is why I said that communication and feeling safe with one another and feeling free to voice discontent as well as possitive and loving things about one's relationship is very important.

FWIW: I think you should have just asked the question "Why were you curious" rather then ask him if he thought anything was missing. It was up to him to volunteer that information and then that way you would know he was being sincere and not just telling you what he very well knows what you'd want to hear.

Anyway, if you don't want marriage councelling then go to your local book store or library and search titles about trust, getting over a betrayal (perceived or real it appears you feel you've been betrayed), learning to trust etc.

If he's not doing anything untrustworthy and you have no proof that he acted on any of the sites then it's mind over matter and you have to learn to dismiss your paranoid thoughts when they enter your head.

[michelle23]

i dont think he has done anything wrong. it really does sound like a misunderstanding to me. people look up all sorts of things on the net. i have studied numerous topics on the internet just coz im curious and like learning new things. iv researched all sorts of things from narcissism to addiction to depression to cheating etc

i fall into none of the above categories but find these things interesting. if anyone checked my history they could jump to conclusions too and thing why was she looking up that and read something into it when there is nothing to worry about.

there is no evidence to suggest he wanted to cheat or did cheat in any way, shape or form

[namemyname]

You have a simple choice at this point.

Either you trust him, or you don't.

If you do, as you say, then let it go. Personally, I think there was more to you needing to snoop than reading an article. Whether it was underlying valid suspicions or your own insecurity, there is still a reason for it.

And if you don't, then leave him, as you will end up accusing him repeatedly, to the point he acts on it out of spite.