Boyfriend unenthusiastic about moving in together - Am I wrong to feel insecure?

[perth]

My boyfriend and I are moving in together and he is unenthusiastic. This is making me insecure about his love and our relationship. Do you think my insecurity is a reasonable reaction under these circumstances?
(I put the most important parts of this post in bold font if you don't have time to read whole thing.)
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We've been together for more than six years. Neither of us want to get married (this is a decision we came to on our own, before even meeting each other), but we do want to spend the rest of our lives together. One year ago we applied to a few apartments in co-operative housing buildings, because the rent is cheaper and both of us don't have much money. The waiting lists are very long, and finally after a year of waiting we got offered an apartment in one of the co-ops, for September 1st.

Yesterday I found out the rent in this co-op is higher than we thought it was, because utilities are extra. I'll be paying a bit more than I do now and he'll be paying the same as he does now. He's unenthusiastic about the move because currently he lives in a great area - he can walk to work in ten minutes, and there are cheap and close places to buy groceries, cheap bars and restaurants where his friends always hang out. The area we're moving to is not bad but just not as good - it will take him about half an hour to get to work by public transit or 20 minutes by bike, and it will also take about that long to get downtown to see his friends, and there's not a close by grocery store.

He says he rather not move now because he'll be paying the same rent to live in a less convenient location, leaving his awesome current location behind. He suffers from chronic (but mild) depression, so even a 20 or 30 minute commute can take a lot of motivation. Before he didn't mind the location so much because he thought he'd be paying less in rent, but now he's paying the same for a less good place so he does mind.

In my view the fact that he will finally get to live with me after all this time of waiting should more than make up for the inconvenience. True love means loving your girlfriend more than you love your neighborhood, am I right? But it feels like he doesn't love me more than his neighborhood. That really makes me feel crappy and I've been crying today and yesterday about it.

He would rather stay where he is now and wait for a spot in another cheaper co-op to open up. But I called the other co-ops and the waiting lists are all long, the next shortest one is cheap but we'd have to wait about another year. I don't want to wait that long, it already has been hard enough waiting as long as we have. For him, though, waiting seems easy.... For the last year I've often expressed how hard the waiting is for me, and he never has... this imbalance has always made me a bit insecure, but now that we've been offered a place, and he has the reaction he has, my insecurity has gone way up.

In general he is the sweetest boyfriend, and showers me with love. But this one thing casts a shadow on the rest. When you add it all up, it seems crazy... to be in a relationship for over six years, to wait for a year to find a place to move in together, and then when you finally get offered a place to say you rather not take it, and would rather wait living separately for another year, all because you don't want to give up living in a particular part of town. Doesn't sound like the attitude of someone deeply in love.

I told him the thought of waiting another year is too hard for me to take, and he said in that case he'll agree to move, but he was clearly unenthusiastic. Then I told him that his not being happy about the move makes me feel sad and insecure, and once he understood why he said although he's not happy now he will try to get happy about the move. This didn't help much because in my view he shouldn't have to "try" to get happy about moving in with me. He should be happy and excited naturally! For the last year waiting for a co-op, I always pictured our moving in together as one of the happiest days of our life, and beginning a new and joyous phase of our life together, the equivalent of newlyweds. And now as the reality approaches, he's not happy about it, and has to will himself to feel happy just because he feels sorry for me. I also told him that I'm worried he will resent me because he's agreeing to do something he doesn't want to just to make me feel better. He said he does feel a little bit of resentment, but he'll try to get over that, too.

What was supposed to be a cause for celebration and joy is turning into a cause of resentment for him, insecurity for me, and depression for us both.

Is my insecurity reasonable? Is it reasonable that I'm questioning the extent of his love? How would you feel in this situation?

[michelle23]

if hees not ready you shouldnt put pressure on him. it wont end well if you do. you both have to really want this or it wont work out.

if you cant accept that-then maybe you need to consider going your separate ways.

living with someone with chronic depression is NOT easy. are you sure your ready for that responsibility? you could end up his carer.

[perth]

thanks for your advice/perspective. i appreciate it and will think it over. the only thing i won't consider is going our separate ways, because i love him more than anyone else in the world and we are committed life-partners. (neither of us believe in marriage, but we have the same level of commitment.)

let's say, though, that i agree to wait, and i don't move in with him now... i would still feel very insecure about the fact that he was so unenthusiastic about moving in with me to this place that i had to cancel the whole thing. that insecurity will linger. i'm wondering if you think my insecurity is warranted, given what i described above?

(about his depression, he's one of those depressed people who you wouldn't guess they're depressed unless he tells you, or if you hear the depressing music he sings/plays (he writes songs and plays keyboard). when we're together we're often joking and laughing and cheerful, and he's the same way with his friends. i know i wouldn't become his caregiver because he has an extremely independent spirit and in the past i've tried to take care of him in small ways, and it makes him uncomfortable. he's depressed on the inside and has been this way since pre-teen years (he's now 34) but is able to take care of himself.)

looking forward to hearing from others! every response is deeply appreciated.

[namemyname]

His lifestyle is a priority over your relationship.

I wouldn't say that he doesn't love you, but he certainly doesn't love you enough to change anything in his life.

I would take his inflexibility as a sign of your future. His lack of desire to compromise for the progression of your relationship speaks volumes.

It sounds to me like he is pretty happy with the status quo, and after 6 years, likely will always be.

[basilandthyme]

Perth, as his place has a great location - what's the reason you don't move in with him?

[VincenzoG91]

Because you're not getting married, moving in together now carries the baggage of being like a marriage. So he has cold feet and is making excuses. Some of the excuses may be valid, but his reluctance to make you a priority in his life might be cause for concern.

[perth]

namemyname - yes, that's pretty much how i see it, too. at least right now. maybe with time, or after hearing more perspectives from others, i'll change my view. but hearing this from you is validating that i'm not overreacting... so thank you.

basilandthyme - good question. my boyfriend lives with a roommate, and because the place is so awesome the roommate would not want to leave so that i can move in.

VincenzoG91 - that's a good analysis, and i'd probably guess the same if i didn't know anymore about the situation than what i wrote. i don't think it applies in our case, though, because he has expressed sincere enthusiasm about moving in together if we could have an equally awesome place to where he is now.

anyone else? other views? or similar views to the ones above?

[michelle23]

Holy crap. I just saw that you are together 6 years. I assumed it was one year.. Hun I would move into that place without him-get a flatmate on a 6 month contract and tell him he has 6 months to make up his mind. Dont let the opportunity pass you by and dont let him hold you back.

Are you the same age? What about kids? If he wont move forward now-how do you plan to have a baby with someone who wont commit?

Hes thirty f**king six! Whats his problem with marriage? Youd think most people that age are ready to settle down. I would say there is a good chance you are just his "for now" girl. Sorry to say it. If he really saw a future with you he would have a ring on your finger by now and he would want to live with you.

[perth]

yeah, i also think it's a bit ridiculous to be with someone six years and they're ambivalent about what to choose, a great neighborhood living with some guy (his roommate) or a not so great yet decent neighborood with a great girlfriend. lol.

just a correction - he's 34, not 36, although close enough. and i'm 29 by the way.

also, neither of us want to get married or have children. i have known this since i was 18 that i did not want marriage or kids. (many people say i'll change my mind... i'm sure they're wrong. i have never wavered on this.) when we fell in love we had never really discussed the marriage/kids thing and it was just a fortunate coincidence that we happened to be on the same page about it.

i don't doubt that he wants to live with me..... just as long as he doesn't feel he has to sacrifice anything (like a downgrade in neighborhood). i'm hurt that he doesn't mind putting it off another year just so he can avoid the sacrifice. for me, waiting has been difficult. for him, it's easy... too easy. this is what makes me wonder.

[perth]

by the way, we signed the lease today. we're going to do it after all, although his unenthusiastic attitude, and him basically doing it to make me happy rather than because it makes him happy, haunts me with insecurity. he hasn't been complaining about it since we had our conversation about it, and i can see he's "trying" to get into a positive mind about it, but it worries me that he has to "try" to feel happy about it, and i believe somewhere inside he is still feeling unhappy about it.

i made this post because when i spoke to him about how insecure and hurt his attitude made me, it took me a long time to get him to understand. at first he thought my insecurity was unreasonable and that i should understand that his attitude does not at all reflect that he loves me any less than 100%. eventually he said he understood why his lack of enthusiasm would make me insecure, and he apologized... he sounded sincere but i think maybe deep down he still doesn't understand why i feel insecure and hurt about it.

the whole conversation with him made me doubt whether my hurt feelings were reasonable, and wonder if i am overreacting and being overly insecure.

i've been looking here for other people's point of view to see if they think my reaction is to extreme, or appropriate, or maybe even too mellow.

[surfhb2]

I'd be less then happy too if I had to leave what I had to make YOU happy when you could have waited to make BOTH you happy. But you got what you wanted and he agreed and apologized.....it's all good...move on from this....don't dwell on it.

Now you get to deal with the issues that arise when new couples move in together for the first time.

Honestly though, I usually give way to what my wife wants. In the end it's not worth putting up a fight. The only thing I don't bend on is the amount we save for retirement. I made this clear before we walked down the isle

[Starnique]

Because you're not getting married, moving in together now carries the baggage of being like a marriage. So he has cold feet and is making excuses. Some of the excuses may be valid, but his reluctance to make you a priority in his life might be cause for concern.

This. I notice this with a lot of guys. Living with a female for a man can seem like he is sort of tied down and he wont have the same freedom he has now. Not to say you're going to be pinning him down but there is a difference. Most guys that live without their GFs get used to not answering to anybody and its really not the same when you move in together. And your BF knows this. When a chic and a guy live together, the guy cant stroll in late with no explanation. They want their space and they like having us around but sometimes they just want that space with no issues. Prime example, this guy I know moved out of his GF house, and now he is back to going out and doing as he pleases. That's really what its all about.

[perth]

surfhb2 - i see what you mean... but if we waited then I'D be the one doing something to make HIM happy and meanwhile it would make me UNhappy. so there was really no perfect win-win here. also, after over six years, don't you think it's strange he's ok with waiting another year? how can he be happy with that? it feels insulting.

Starnique - i hope he will feel i give him enough space.

...

[basilandthyme]

Perth, I'm going to take a slightly different view to the others. I've lived in some fabulous locations close to the city and I've lived in areas which are low-socio economic with long commutes. And I have to be brutally honest and say it would be with grave reservations that I'd move back to doing the commute. The time and distance was gruelling and took a huge impact on my state of mind.

While I wouldn't choose to end the relationship over the distance, I would look at every other opportunity to try and avoid the commute. If there was no other choice, I'd probably be like your boyfriend and move in but not feel terribly excited over the move.

[TablesandChairs]

The commute you mentioned (30 minutes by train) is not really a big deal; I spend that long on a train every day and have never complained or seen it as some big chore. The guy needs to toughen up a bit. He's talking the talk - 'life-long partners etc' but he's not really backing it up with actions. All relationships require some sort of sacrifice at times; you've already been together for 6 years and haven't shared the same household in this time; that's too long already and a bit silly...it's keeping your relationship at 'dating' level sort of...which might suit him more than it does you. On the other hand, there's no point getting him to move when he doesn't want to and makes that pretty obvious with such gems as 'I'll try to be happy about it'. He'll become bitter and you'll start feeling pretty shitty if he starts complaining ad nauseum about how much he hates the commute etc.

If I were you and I was certain this guy was 'the one forever' then I guess I'd wait another year...it's not fair on you after so long but you've got a bit of a baby on your hands.