Can you *learn* to love someone?

[searock]

Platonic love is what we feel for our Mothers and our Fathers, our children, our pets etc. It has nothing to do with Romantic love whatsoever. There is no lust leading up to it. However; there can be infatuation. The hubby and I were totally infatuated with our daughter when she was born.

I agree.

But I still think there is non-romantic love that includes lust. This is what I mean (and where we disagree - the proportions are totally random btw):

[Wakeup]

Nice drawing?

Anyway, so I can understand your point of view, can you give me an example of "non-romantic love that includes lust." Keeping in mind that lust is fleeting and that it ebbs and flows.

[searock]

Nice drawing?

Anyway, so I can understand your point of view, can you give me an example of "non-romantic love that includes lust." Keeping in mind that lust is fleeting and that it ebbs and flows.

An example of that would be what I felt for my ex boyfriend. I loved him, I was sexually attracted to him, but I didn't feel romantic love (as defined in post #10) for him.

[UndercoverLover]

I'd rather not say... but I'm telling the truth about my language :-).

That's weird why don't want to share where you are from? It would make the discussion a lot more interesting

Hmm maybe you're worried about the likes of trevor stalking you

[Wakeup]

Can you describe what "Romantic Love" is or feels like to you?

[searock]

Can you describe what "Romantic Love" is or feels like to you?

Sure, I'll quote what I wrote in post #10 (in which I use the term "romantic love" interchangeably with the term "being in love"):

In order to be in love with someone you need to know a person extremely well, you need to have amazing communication and have to be emotionally intimate with each other. This rarely happens outside of a long-term relationship, but there are cases in which it does (close "friendships" that eventually turn into long-term relationships).

The difference between "love" and "being in love" to me is that if you love someone you care for them, want them to be happy, are happy that they are part of your life, enjoy spending determined amounts of time with them, etc. You may also be sexually attracted to them, but it's not a necessary condition. When you are in love with someone, you love them, and you are also are sexually attracted to them, you feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them, being in a relationship with them seems like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them can make your day, you want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

[Wakeup]

I read post 10 and it doesn't explain much. You're saying the same thing in both "love" and "being in love" the only difference is that you think one is a "condition" and the other isn't? That one you feel lucky to be with them and the other you don't and it kind of answers "yes" to the question: "can you (romantic love) love more then one person, which in your case, you certainly can and have. Your view on this is what polyamourous couples thrive and survive on. One primary partner and one or more else who they love and have sex with.

[searock]

I read post 10 and it doesn't explain much. You're saying the same thing in both "love" and "being in love" the only difference is that you think one is a "condition" and the other isn't? That one you feel lucky to be with them and the other you don't

They are both feelings, I'm not sure what you mean by "condition"? The difference is that when you love someone non-romantically, you don't feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you don't necessarily respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them, being in a relationship with them doesn't seem like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them is unlikely to make your day, you don't want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

and it kind of answers "yes" to the question: "can you (romantic love) love more then one person, which in your case, you certainly can and have.

I have never romantically loved more than one person at a time. I loved (non-romantically) my ex boyfriend and I was in love with (romantically loved) my current boyfriend.

Your view on this is what polyamourous couples thrive and survive on. One primary partner and one or more else who they love and have sex with.

I see nothing wrong with this and I can understand it, however, unfortunately, most people don't have the emotional tools to deal with this kind of arrangement (myself included, I would probably be way too jealous).

[Wakeup]

They are both feelings, I'm not sure what you mean by "condition"? The difference is that when you love someone non-romantically, you don't feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you don't necessarily respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them,being in a relationship with them doesn't seem like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them is unlikely to make your day, you don't want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

If this is what you had with your ex, then that's not what I would call "love of the non romantic kind" (your label) at all. It's codependency and fear of being alone if you actually stay with someone that you have this kind of existence with.

[lalalita]

Great conversations here guys! :]

I pose another question! If you love someone, are attracted to them, but are not "in love with them" would you advise against being in a relationship with them? Even if they provide great partnership? Can you eventually become "in love?"

[searock]

That's not what I would call love at all. It's codependency and fear of being alone if you actually stay with someone that you have this kind of existence with.

Uh, no o.O. I am in love with my boyfriend but I could cope if we broke up. How is what I wrote codependency?

[searock]

Great conversations here guys! :]

I pose another question! If you love someone, are attracted to them, but are not "in love with them" would you advise against being in a relationship with them? Even if they provide great partnership? Can you eventually become "in love?"

I don't think you can eventually become "in love" with them if you don't go through the infatuation stage. Generally, to fall in love with someone you need to love them and to be infatuated with them, and then you actually become "in love" with them (it doesn't always happen, but when it happens, that's how it happens). So if you have never been infatuated with this guy, even if you love him, I don't think you will ever be in love with him.

You can have a good relationship with someone just by loving them and being attracted to them (without being in love with them). However, you put yourself at risk of becoming unsatisfied and feeling like something is missing, at some point.

[Wakeup]

Uh, no o.O. I am in love with my boyfriend but I could cope if we broke up

Not what I meant at all.

Lets just forget it. You have a completely different view on romantic love and platonic love and as long as you're not stupid enough to leave a good man that you love and loves you because you have past the lust and infatuation stage and no longer think you are "in love" because of that then bravo.

[searock]

Not what I meant at all.

Lets just forget it. You have a completely different view on romantic love and platonic love and as long as you're not stupid enough to leave a good man that you love and loves you because you have past the lust and infatuation stage and no longer think your "in love" because of that then bravo.

I am past the lust and infatuation stage, I am in love with him and I have no intention whatsoever of leaving him. It's all good :-).

[IndiReloaded]

Meh. It's all love. Different flavours, different seasons.

What actually makes you stay together is commitment. That comes from within, a choice that you make. Love & lust feelings are a part of it, but the wise know that is just a fraction of what makes a relationship strong. The other things HIA mentions: mutual comfort, admiration, affection, care, trust, safety... that is the rare glue that binds.

Its harder than the storybooks suggest to find someone you can share all that with. Love and lust are relatively trivial in comparison.