Time to move on? Long distance vs long distance

[Magnumx]

Been in an LDR for just a little over 2 years. Nothing crazy far, we are in the same time zone. When I met him he worked hard and he came over and things were just perfect. Then when a new game came out he took 2 weeks holiday... that holiday turned into a year and he says he needed to quit the job because it paid poo (it really did and the hours were shit) but most responsible people wait to find a new job before ending the last right? Nope. He lived at home and his mom did/does EVERYTHING for him. In that year *I* paid the travel expenses and as much as he said it made him feel shit (even if it does) he still never proactively sought work. Slept until the afternoon etc. Id get home just as he was waking and I definitely came to resent this. Anyway he's got a job now which pays a bit better, the hours are a bit better. It's got the point that I refuse to pay any more travel expenses but now he's working and I ask about visiting he answers "I don't know yet". He told me "I don't know" for a whole year and I'm just sick of it. I miss him but I'm investing MY TIME and I've invested so much that at least one measly visit can't harm his pocket that much considering he has zero, and I mean zero coz he doesn't smoke, bills. Anyway.. this has fizzled for me. I love him and it hurts to think about breaking up with him. He says he wants to see me, he says he wants to one day live with me but as days are passing and I'm getting lonelier I'm not sure I can last much longer. If he was in the army or something it'd be easier but just sounds like he's lazy to me. But he's kind, loving, honest.. never says anything mean or hurtful and doesn't play mind games. Aside from above its about as perfect (if not crazy dangerously exciting) as can get.

Anyway this new guy has recently come into my life. Definite chemistry, definitely something there. We have been very honest with one another and we both would never want to disrespect ourselves or my bf by doing anything stupid. But I'm starting to wonder if this might end up being a missed opportunity?... He is also kind and honest and a one in a million guys that compatibility is there (just like with my current bf). It's obviously exciting and enticing after this last year.

So what advice you have? To jump ship or to "wait" some more? :'(

[michelle23]

i think you should dump your bf yes coz its a one-sided relationship where you do all the work and he does nothing. hes lazy, lacks motivation and obviously isnt too bothered about you or else he would make the effort to come and see you regularly.

you break up with him coz your unhappy NOT because you have lined up a plan B. it sounds like you have been unhappy for ages but waited till someone else came along before considering ending it which is wrong. perhaps you have a fear of being alone? well the only way to face that fear and conquer it is to do it. end this relationship that is not working and be on your own for awhile.

when a long term relationship ends you should take some time out to grieve the loss, to find yourself again, rebuild your confidence, figure out what you have learned from that past relationship and what you want different in the next one.

if you have a fear of being alone-you will settle for second best and never really figure out what you want and just hop from one bad relationship to the next which will all be rebounds.

forget your plan B. you dont need a man. you need to set your standards high and be emotionally available when you begin your next relationship. thats the only way to find mr right

best of luck

[LifeInflux]

If the other guy wasn't in your life would you even be considering it? Take him completely out of the equation... and decide.

Since that likely won't happen, the most probable outcome is that you'll break it off with your old boyfriend because he's not there, and start dating this new guy... who likely won't have a chance in the long term simply because this will be an emotional rebound... and then you'll eventually think that you made a mistake.

Thats an awful premonition, but I'm trying to decide what to eat right now and can't really concentrate on a more concrete response.


Long story short, if you can't come at this with a level head and no ulterior motives, you've already lost.

[Kromat83]

I think you going on a date with someone new, shows that you are missing something.
It has been one year, and he hasn't taken the steps to go and see you.
If your in the same time zone, it's even cheaper then what my plane ticket would be.

I need to spend over $1000, while he would need to use $300-$500, at most ... so the investment isn't bad.

Most of the time, LDR doesn't work, because of the lack of intimacy, the distance,
cost of travel, you really need to be strong willed to make these things to happen.

I think you should tell him, that you need a break for a bit from him, make him get his life together, and if your still single and you've seen massive changes, then give him another chance, but will you be happy or have those feelings when all that time has passed ?

Give this new guy a chance since he's in your area, but only after you've told your current, that this isn't working.

[LifeInflux]

i think you should dump your bf yes coz its a one-sided relationship where you do all the work and he does nothing. hes lazy, lacks motivation and obviously isnt too bothered about you or else he would make the effort to come and see you regularly.

you break up with him coz your unhappy NOT because you have lined up a plan B. it sounds like you have been unhappy for ages but waited till someone else came along before considering ending it which is wrong. perhaps you have a fear of being alone? well the only way to face that fear and conquer it is to do it. end this relationship that is not working and be on your own for awhile.

when a long term relationship ends you should take some time out to grieve the loss, to find yourself again, rebuild your confidence, figure out what you have learned from that past relationship and what you want different in the next one.

if you have a fear of being alone-you will settle for second best and never really figure out what you want and just hop from one bad relationship to the next which will all be rebounds.

forget your plan B. you dont need a man. you need to set your standards high and be emotionally available when you begin your next relationship. thats the only way to find mr right

best of luck

This is the most concise and agreeable advice I've ever seen from you Michelle. Totally agree.

[Valixy]

The way you feel in a relationship should tell you if you should continue or not and you've been pretty unhappy lately. Also look at his actions, not his words. Is he doing anything to prove to you that he means what he says? If his love declarations are not backed up by some consistent actions, you shouldn't put them in the equation.

[Magnumx]

Thanks for the replies nice to have something constructive to work with. Just to clarify not fearful of being alone - single three years prior to this relationship and feel lonelier now than I ever did single. If I wasn't with my current bf I would be leaping in bounds for this new guy who has been a total gentlemen. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt if I ended my current relationship - but without being able to be near my man I cannot say how I'll react if I did. There wouldnt be much to miss of recent which is so sad isn't it??? I'm just not sure if I should set a deadline (with his knowledge) that if something on his behalf doesn't give then I'm going to have to move on. Am not suggesting this new guy should even wait but if we did happen it wouldn't be a rebound as beyond that stage now after all the waiting and resentment if that makes sense??

[Magnumx]

Just a horrible situation to be in. Even if its not meant to be the thought of hurting my current boyfriend is crushing me more than the hurt for myself. There is potential but is it worth the wait? I just dont know anymore.....

[Valixy]

When somone really loves you, makes the effort to visit you, or not?

[michelle23]

still if you end it-you shouldnt hop into something new so quick. it will be a rebound and youll hurt him even though i know you dont intend to.

there could be thousands of guys your compatable with-not just one or two. just coz he seems perfect-doesnt mean he is. your infatuated by him now. hes an escape, a distraction for you. but youll never know whether you are actually good together or not unless you do go out with him. could be a total nightmare, could be great.. who knows?

but if he is great-your not ready. a part of your heart is still with your bf which makes any new relationship complicated and confusing even if new guy ticks all the boxes. if your emotionally unavailable-you wont fall for him and it will never "feel right"

i dont understand y you have not ended your current relationship . regardless of whether your gonna date new guy or not-this is not working, your not happy and hes a useless bf. stop thinking about it and just end it. if your sticking around just in the hope that he may one day change-then you should just bang your head off a brick wall. this is who he is-hes not changing for you or anyone else. you should look up co-dependency. right now your flogging a dead horse.

stay and be miserable, wasting your life hoping he will change, leave and date new guy and hope for the best or leave and be alone for 6months and wait till you meet someone when you are sure your over the ex.

[smackie9]

I didn't even bother reading it an I know what the answer should be. Yes move on. LDRs are a big waste of time. They are frustrating, make you jealous, scared, and crazy.....that is not the way to have a relationship, especially when you can touch them. Learn your lesson and don't do it again. Date locally.

[VincenzoG91]

The problem with LDR is that it's long-distance because each of you has at least one priority that is higher than being together. And he doesn't even have a good reason, just that he's a lazy mama's boy.