confused, help needed...

[rts]

Hi,
I'm writing here as i feel i dont have anyone else im comfortable talking to, and need some unbiased opinion.

im 29 yr old male. I have been with my partner for nearing 10 years, we are getting married next year, we have 2 sons.

here's my problem.

over the past few weeks my partner has been messaging a male colleague on facebook. i bit my tongue for a while, and accepted she's entitled to friends. However, these messages have become more frequent. They see each other at work, then it seems they message outside of work, (there can be 20, 30 ~ messages a day) i have seen the messages, there is nothing suggestive in there, but they are light flirting.
This has affected me, im losing sleep and appetite.
The colleague in question is engaged also.

I confronted my partner and said it made me uncomfortable. She told me there is nothing going on, she doesnt think of him that way, and would stop if it bothered me that much.
But she hasnt stopped, shes changed her FB password (but leaves herself logged in when she goes to work) this makes me feel worse because i dont know if shes trying to hide things from me.
when i say i confronted her, i mean i had no choice, i felt like i was going to explode.
We had another conversation, she says if i trust her then it shouldnt be a problem.

i trust her 100% that she would never cheat on me.

I just dont understand her need to carry on the conversations with this guy. She says shes had other male friends before and its never bothered me, and she likes to make new friends etc.
i understand that she needs friends etc, and it doesnt bother me if she has a conversation with people. But to me it doesnt even seem like conversation, just flirting.

She says she messages lots of people. But i dont get why the same guy everyday for nearing 3 weeks without any sign of slowing down.
When i message her, i feel it to be a laboured response from her, and that shes only replying or contacting me through the day because she has to. She seems a lot more enthusiastic when messaging her colleague.

Am i wrong for being jealous about this??

she has now said that she wont stop messaging people because she hasnt done anything wrong.

Help / Advise wanted.

Thanks in advance

please ask me any questions, im a newbie and just after a shoulder to cry on or a push in the right direction.

[LifeInflux]

Point 1: If you trusted her completely with the matter then it wouldn't have bothered you in the beginning. She's giving you a reason to not trust her.

Point 2: She found a new friend of the opposite sex, and sometimes these situations garner a little added fun due to the minor flirtations.. its a way to make them feel emotionally wanted without straying from their current partner.

Point 3: Even if there is something you could do... for example, stopping them from conversing, you can't police her from everyone... and sooner or later, if she really wants to, she'll find another similar relationship with another male friend.


Point 4: If you want to gain more attention from her, you need to up your game. If you start pushing to do more exciting things and she pulls away, or spends that time conversing with the other guy, then you have something to worry about.


Point G: Some jealousy is founded simply because she is likely giving you less attention now that she's giving another more... all that matters now is what you do about it.

[rts]

Thanks. Im trying to deal with it, but how can I pretend that im happy if its tearing me up inside.
Point 2 is the one I just can't get my head around, she says its nothing, then is going out of her way to message this guy.
I would think after 10 years together that if it was the other way round I'd try help her through her problem, not brush it off and continue what im doing. I feel as if flirting with a colleague is more important than trying to sort it out.

[LifeInflux]

Thanks. Im trying to deal with it, but how can I pretend that im happy if its tearing me up inside.
Point 2 is the one I just can't get my head around, she says its nothing, then is going out of her way to message this guy.
I would think after 10 years together that if it was the other way round I'd try help her through her problem, not brush it off and continue what im doing. I feel as if flirting with a colleague is more important than trying to sort it out.

Right now it makes her feel good, so she doesn't want to stop doing it, and thinks its unfair of you to ask that of her when she feels she isn't doing anything wrong. If you get more distance between you and the problem and care less, it just makes things worse.. if you push her to stop she'll resent you and make things worse..

The only way to really get this to work is if you are able to transfer that energy from this guy to you...

[rts]

So there's not a lot I can do but grin and bear it until it passes by?
Any advise out there as to how I can stop obsessing over this?? Its an all day on my mind thing at the moment.

Is she doing anything wrong? I don't think its normal for a person to persue such interest in someone else if they are happy, which she insists he is!

Am I wrong to feel jealous about this behaviour? Is it normal? Am I alone in feeling that her actions are a bit inappropriate??

[LifeInflux]

Others will pop in and answer all that for you as well but...

No its not wrong to feel jealous..

Yes it mostly normal, aside from the constant obsessing over it..

Her actions are inappropriate.

You need to start focusing on doing more with her so she spends that time with you instead of getting her emotional needs from him.

Chances are if he's in a committed relationship too, it probably isn't going as amazingly well in that camp either if this is as prevalent as you say... you should all go on a double date.. put that sucker up front and personal.

If she starts acting weird that you want to hang out with them, then something might be up.

[rts]

She asked if I wanted to meet him. She's getting angry at me about I think.

I would do more if I coukd I work 9-5, she works evenings, ive felt like im swarming her.
When we're together all my problems disappear.

Would telling her I need space help?
Maybe I should go stay at my parents until I get myself together because its not fair on her for me to obsess/ mistrust(?) her.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder n all?

Am I creating unrepairable damage by doing this?
She says ive never been the jealous type, well ive never had this same problem!!!

I imagine I would have acted similar if I had!!

I say if the shoe was on the other foot would she be jealous?, she says not.
I think majority of people would be uncomfortable with this level of messaging

[rts]

Does she not see it as innapropriate as she doesnt see it for what it is, she says she's talking, but there's no conversation, it seems more like the flirting I did with the girl I liked that I did at school!

[LifeInflux]

I think people always say they wouldn't be a certain way until put in that situation. Any deviation from the person we thought we knew throws up some red flags.

I think becoming distant isn't really the way to go, because then she'll use her new friend as a crutch in hard times and it will make it tougher for you to become her emotional rock when you return.


I think you need to confront the situation and go out with them, him, his fiance, you and your girlfriend. Then, you need to push to do something just with you and your girlfriend.. take her away for a weekend, inundate her with amazing plans.. show her you care about her, and that you are still an amazing person.

Don't sit idle... start to move... if she insists on doing these kinds of things, and you can't get her to budge.. control the only thing you can control.. and start doing things for yourself. Start working out, join a running club or something... show her you aren't okay with sitting still in an emotional holding pattern, and that you need acceptance and to feel secure too.

[rts]

thats the problem, im not an outgoing person, i feel as if i dont need anyone else. i dont think she'd turn to this person for comfort, she hasnt known them long enough. thanks for all your help.
i dont know if i can carry on pretending to be ok with it all, it is bothering me too much.
she starting to get angry when she gets home and sees me feeling sorry for myself.

[michelle23]

this is a danger to your relationship. look up emotional affairs, find as much info as you can, learn about them and what they are and then approach her when you know what you are talking about. it may be helpful also to print some stuff off and ask her to read it.

approach the situation calmly at first, sit her down, talk to her, tell her that you feel this is crossing a boundary in your relationship and it is one that could cause you to break up if you cant sort it out now and figure out why she feels the need for so much attention from this guy? tell her your not sure if its a good idea to get married considering there is a third party in your relationship that she spends more time with online and ofline than with you. ask her is there anything missing from your relationship that has caused her to seek attention elsewhere. tell her you see this as a huge red flag and a threat to your relationship and you would like relationship counselling before you marry her as this is creating many doubts, insecurities and trust issues for you. tell her you love her and your willing to do what it takes to make your marriage work but you need her to put you first and stop this affair now if you are gonna have a future together

if that doesnt work-if she gets angry or defensive or trys to say your paranoid etc-then you need to tell her the wedding is off and your moving out. if the thought of losing you is not enough to make her stop this-then your relationship is already over

best of luck. keep us updated

[michelle23]

you say you trust her and know she would never cheat? dont be naive. you dont know that for sure and right now she is giving you lots of reasons not to trust her.

these situations never end well OP. its important to act fast before something happens between them. she spends all day with him and then comes home and chats to him on FB for hours. thats not a frienship. thats how two people dating act in the honeymoon period.

keep your eyes wide open and dont be afraid to get mad and put your foot down. if my bf was doing this id already be gone and i would have caused world war 3 with him before i left. by doing nothing-you may as well write fool across your forward and a big sign saying walk all over me. i know you have kids so its not a good idea to throw a tantrum in front of them but if talking dont work-id be showing her im not a doormat and i will not stand for this

[Millie]

this is a danger to your relationship. look up emotional affairs

I'm a bit confused about this emotional affair phenomenon - so are we saying that any friendship with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your thing) a man or woman invests time in or cares about when they are married/in a long term relationship qualifies as an emotional affair? I have a guy friend who texts/calls me more or less daily, and if I had a facebook account I dare say he'd message me on that too. Sometimes we just share events of the day, sometimes we share whatever's bugging us, sometimes we vent, sometimes we laugh, and sometimes a mildly flirtatious comment is made - aside from perhaps the frequency of the messages I can't see too much difference between that and what the OP outlined in his OP and yet I can assure you I'm not having an affair of any kind. I'd just like to understand better what constitutes a so-called emotional affair, since its a phrase that I've seen used here a lot this past week or so.

[michelle23]

To me its when you find a new "best friend" of the opposite sex and invest a lot of time in them.. Stick around on this forum and in time you will see the dangers of male/female friendships. Its prob the biggest issue here. One woman was here last week. Her 5 year relationship ended coz her bf found a new best female friend who he hopped straight into bed with 5 mins after their breakup.. Shes devastated of course.

Men come here all the time talking about a taken girl who they want to be with and she sends out mixed signals and tells him after awhile she has feelings for him but then goes home to her bf-eventually leading to a breakup, a brief fling before she runs back to her bf and new guy is left devastated... and her relationship is never the same again as her bf is so hurt..

It happens all the time. My bf doesnt have female friends. he had one years ago who he grew up with but they grew apart over time and I know for a fact he never had feelings for her coz she used to irritate the life out of him and he thinks shes a bit of a twat. The only reason she was friends with him was coz she had a major crush on his best friend and at the time she was in a long term relationship with someone else..

Since he has never had any interest in having female friends-all his friends are male and me and his mum and his nana are the only women he really cares about-if he all of a sudden had a new best female friend Id leave him coz that is an emotional affair

[Empty Road]

She's playing a dangerous game. Might start out innocently but could potentially lead to something. It's time to lay your foot down.