Do I Or Don't I?

[Millie]

Hi all,

First of all, sorry to anyone I blinded with the pink font - it wasn't hard to read on my screen so it never occurred to me that it might be an issue for others - anyway I'll type in regular tones from now on!

So, my problem doesn't relate to my husband and I per se, it's all to do with his mom. To give you the back-story as briefly as I can, we were 14/15 when we met, my family were new to the city whereas his had lived there for generations. We met in school, liked each other, started hanging out, and in no time we were dating. Pretty much from day one people warned me to stay away from him - teachers, kids in school, even strangers on the street - would come up to me and warn me he was no good, and yet when I asked what he'd done to deserve such negativity nobody really seemed to have an answer. It was random and upsetting.

As it turned out he had done nothing to deserve it - it all related to his family. I don't use the term 'trash' lightly but if the shoe fits - dad and brothers who had all done jail time, alcoholic mom and a sister who has several kids by several men, all of whom have been removed from her care for one reason or another. Basically about as far removed from my family as it's possible to get, and then some. The point is, the entire community had decided he was no different to the rest of his family without even taking a moment to get to know him - apples not falling far from trees syndrome, I guess you would say.

To cut a long story short, a year or so into our relationship there was a violent incident between my husband-to-be and one of his brothers that resulted in him leaving the 'family home'. My parents let him move into our home (separate rooms, rules galore) and the arrangement worked out fine - fast-forward to present-day and he'll freely admit that my parents are always more like parents to him than his ever were and that he'd happily choose my siblings over the ones he got.

Later that year my family moved overseas (regular relocation was the norm for us due to my dad's job) and my husband-to-be came with us - in fact he couldn't get away fast enough. We got married as soon as we graduated High School (he wouldn't even entertain the idea of inviting his family to our wedding), moved back to the the US where he went to work and I went to University - and now we just recently moved to the UK (his job - it seems I'll forever be relocating because of the men in my life!). As far as contact with his family goes, we've never been back to the city where they live and he's had absolutely no contact at all with either of his parents or siblings in over eight years - in fact to this day he won't have Facebook or Skype or anything that could provide his siblings with a means of contacting him - as far as he's concerned his life is better without them in it, period.

Anyway, last week I received an email from an old High School friend and in it she asked me if my husband and I were going to visit, since his mom had cancer. It was the first I'd heard of it so I contacted another friend who still lives there and asked her if she knew anything, and she confirmed that she had heard the same thing, and that she'd also heard that the prognosis really wasn't good. So, the problem is this: do I tell my husband? In theory it should be a no-brainer, of course I should, but the thing is, he knows that I email with these girls from time to time and he's always said anything to do with his family he doesn't want to know - I think mostly he's fearful that he'll get drawn back into their BS so it's just easier for him to close the door and keep it closed.

As much as I trust my sources I am mindful of the fact that I'm working off hearsay, but to get confirmation would require contacting one of his family and if I did that my husband would be beyond pissed. Working on the theory that it's accurate information, which I do believe it is, if I don't tell him it means I'm potentially denying him the opportunity to see her and possibly (unlikely) get some sense of closure, and if I do tell him it's going to rake up a lot of painful stuff for him - stuff that he long since closed the door on. It's also a very realistic possibility that if I tell him and he goes to visit her she'll just use it as a means to hurt him yet again because that's the kind of nasty drunk she is (like I said at the beginning, TRASH), but she's his mom at the end of the day and I know that despite everything he does love her - though I'm the only person he would admit that to. He's never once expressed any desire to want to see her or even hear anything about her in all those years, quite the opposite in fact, so I'm really conflicted as to what I should do, and I'm loathed to run it by my family/friends just in case one of them inadvertently says something to him. What do you think? Running over and over it in my head is making me not be able to see the wood for the trees, I think. All comments welcome (even yours Joey, you know you love me really lol). Thanks!

[JoeyFromFriends]

Turns out it wasnt the pink font that was annoying, it was just you.

[JoeyFromFriends]

I havent read it tbf, i just cant be arsed.

[basilandthyme]

If I were you, I'd worry that if his mother died and one day he found out that you had kept it from him, he may get very upset at you. While I realise that you're doing what he wants, grief can be irrational.

My advice is to tell him and hope that he decides to stay away from them.

[searock]

I also think you should tell him. I'm sure when he told you he doesn't want to know anything about his family, he wasn't referring to more serious issues like cancer and death.

[michelle23]

I think you should tell him hun. She is his mum and we all only have one of those. Even if he wants nothing to do with the family-he should still have a chance to say goodbye so he doesnt have any regrets in the future. Tell him asap

Best of luck

[sadbunnyface]

If it was me even knowing he doesn't wish to have contact with his family and wants his distance -this is a big deal and if he doesn't get the option of dealing with it his way he may never forgive himself when he later finds out she passed away and he never got his chance for goodbyes and closure. I always try to think in difficult situations, what would I want someone to do for me? I think telling him is the best idea.
Tell him why you told him and that you wanted him to decide for himself what he should do and no matter what you'll support him.

[Millie]

Thanks all - I think I knew the answer but it really helped a lot to write it out and get your feedback - much appreciated!

[sadbunnyface]

Good luck, Millie. He should respect that you told him, and sorry about his mom being ill.

[Millie]

Thanks Bunny

Update: I told him this morning and his response was pretty much 'oh well' - which in this case is sadly harsh but fair. I suspect that will change somewhat when he's had some time to mull things over and process, but we'll cross any bridges we need to cross when we come to them. Telling him was definitely the right course so thanks again to those who pointed me in that direction.

[sadbunnyface]

That is good news on telling him, do you feel some relief on the situation? He probably needs to think on it now for himself, access his feelings and emotions, it is a lot to take in and decide on what he should do..
Do you think he will want to go visit before she passes, or he will just call to see how she is and give his love that way? Is good you told, you seem to have a strong close bond and no need for his family even if unintentionable on their part to break it. Keep your bond the strongest. *hugs*

[Millie]

Well from a selfish point of view I do feel relieved that I'm no longer keeping anything from him but it's a bitter-sweet thing because I know he's now got it all going around and around in his head. We did talk about it a little over dinner and as things stand he's not planning to make any contact with her - he's very stubborn and his default response to anything difficult is to mutter 'whatever' and build a wall between himself and the issue - more often than not that's just a temporary measure, a means of giving himself some thinking time, so it's entirely possible he'll change his mind once he's properly processed how he's feeling. Of course not knowing the details of her prognosis means time may be a factor, I guess the worst outcome would be for him to change his mind and for it to be too late, but hopefully that won't happen.