Great guy, but no chemistry..?

[weirdy]

I have never been in a serious, loving relationship. I didn't believe it was possible and that I could be so lucky since all I had so far were flings based on chemistry, with some sleazy, lying guys, almost always taken men (that were bored in their long relationships..).
Also, my father left me as a kid, and since I was little, a few men that I grew up with (brothers and cousins) were cheating their girlfriends, so I really had no faith in romantic relationships, never believed it could be something positive and pure.

But recently, I started a relationship with a man that was my friend for over a year.
He is a great person, genuinely cares for me (even mentioned that he's thinking about marrying me, after some time, which creeped me out a bit).
He is open and honest, we can talk about anything and it seems that we can work through any problem.
Also, we have so much things in common (we also work together, and that is the reason he didn't make his move until now.. but everything is fine, we are both mature, and our relationship isn't affecting our work, that is not the issue).

The problem is our chemistry. There is almost none.
It seems that I got used to passionate relationships, with great chemistry. Even though my previous relationships, with those wrong, sleazy guys were mostly platonic and toxic, the chemistry was always strong and I miss that a lot now.
I don't have it with my current boyfriend. I don't like the way he kisses (I told him what I do and don't like, it seems that he cares, he tries to please me but it doesn't really work, like he lacks the talent or something...).
We had sex, it was ok I guess, but somehow, every time we should meet, it's like I have to make an effort, I'm never excited about it, but I do care for him a lot, as a person. I know it is rare to find a person like that, and I even feel guilty because I'm thinking of breaking up with him ''only'' because of the chemistry.

What is your opinion, is it possible that we develop more passionate relationship in time, or should I break up as soon as possible...?

[smackie9]

I suspect the "cocky" "obnoxious" type is what really turns you on....kind of a learned condition from your youth. But you can find someone that you are instantly attracted to that isn't a jerk...they are out there. You know which types are bad and to stay away from so you will be fine and not destined to date assholes.


So my answer is yes it is a valid reason to not date someone. You have known him for quite awhile already and if you don't feel anything then you won't. It's good that you did get a taste of what it's like to have someone that treats you great, but it's not enough to have a relationship go for the long haul. This is what dating is about. You try them out, if it doesn't fulfull almost every expectation, then you move on. Don't worry dear, you will meet mr.right that will sweep you off your feet.

[Empty Road]

How sad. Yea it's just you have some Daddy issues so you're attracted to certain types of men. Being aware can help you manage it. He sounds like a great guy but chemistry is also important. You have to be with someone who is the whole package. And you have to stop sleeping with men who are sleazy and unavailable. You can't continue to go down that road or you'll end up a single mom and your kid will probably develop the same issues. You deserve love and don't settle for temporarily flings. That's not the reputation you want for yourself. Also hang out with good honest people and stay away from toxic ones. This will help you find the right guy.

[weirdy]

Thank you for your time and comments, I really appreciate it.

@Empty Road - I wasn't sleeping with those sleazy and unavailable men. I slept with the first one, but all the other relationships were always platonic, since I always try to be as rational as possible.
But perhaps my ''too much thinking and trying to do the right thing'' attitude brought me in the situation I'm in now.
In these few days, since I opened this thread, I'm more and more convinced each day that we're not for eachother; the chemistry, even if it was there, a bit of it at least, is completely gone now and I plan to break up with him.

We were planning to meet today, it should have been a romantic date but I'm planning to tell him how I feel.. He doesn't know it yet, he'll be excited again to see me, but I'll come with these bad news.. hope he'll take it well and I'll try not to hurt him :/
I plan to tell him openly how I feel, to have a honest conversation like we always had.. I still love him, though, and it will be a hard thing for me to do (esspecially when I remember all the things he said before.. that he will never give up on me, he trusts me, I'm the only one etc.. everything I couldn't hear from those sleazy guys I have heard from him, and I knew he meant it )..
So if anyone here has any suggestion about what I should or shouldn't say to him today, feel free to post it.. If not, well.. wish me luck, I guess

[Archie]

I don't believe there is a way to make it work. You care for him, but you're not attracted to him. It's like the "Slutty pumpkin returns" episode from "How I met your mother" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2072526/)
It just doesn't feel right for you and it's very possible that he feels the same way, but he's too attached to you to let go.

Just go with a simple "We should break up, it's not working for me" scenario. If the mood is right, offer him if he wants to stay just friends with you, it'll comfort him, but hope that he declines.

[weirdy]

Thanks for your reply Archie. Yes, I agree that I should go straight to the point, but still, I'll try not to hurt him and I would personally like to stay friends with him. Actually, I hope he feels similar as I do, and that everything will be fine. I've just sent him a message, telling him I'd like to talk to him, in person, gave a small hint about how I feel, just to prepare him... I'm waiting for his reply right now :/

[smackie9]

I'm glad you started this thread to show the other side of a breakup and why. This shows that even with him doing all the right things, and being the BF that any girl could want it still may not be enough. There are a few on here that jump to conclusions, and are negative to those who breakup a perfectly fine relationship. YOU have given that perspective that I have quoted many times about the lack of chemistry, that it just happens, and there isn't any way to "fix" it.

To add you express your own heart break, and how painful it is to make this decision, that it is not out of haste or selfishness. I have been to your shoes, and there is no easy way to breakup with someone with these circumstances. The only way is to just be honest, and how they deal with it is not on you. This is just part of life.....sorry things didn't work out for the both of you.

[clairedunham]

Been there. Dump him. Don't waste your time trust me. Imagine if you go years with him. Those are years in which you will lose your time and couldve done different things for yourself