I want to Kill my exes. Literally.

[VincenzoG91]

You don't need to find somebody perfect, just somebody who is right for you. Because nobody is perfect.

My first long-term relationship was after I hit 30. Before that, I was a difficult combination of shallow, angry, and immature. For years, I went by the Third Date Rule. If I didn't get laid by the third date, I moved on. Truth to tell, I didn't have lots of second or third dates until I started to get better at the dating process. Don't think of sex as a bargaining chip, just understand that by making a guy wait, you can get a better idea of the quality of the guy. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly ten years now, even though we didn't have sex for the first six months of our relationship. I decided that she was worth the wait. We've been through a lot since then, some good and some bad, but overall we have gradually helped each other become better people.

Dating is definitely a process. It's not just a process of sorting through snakes, it's also about discovering your own values and finding someone who shares those values. I suspect that you have been rushing through the discovery stage so that you can get to the relationship part, but you would get better results if you were more discerning during the first couple of dates with a given guy. There must be some cues or clues that you overlooked during those past dates, and if you date more guys, you will eventually get better at spotting the ones with problems.

[LifeInflux]

Thanks.

I've already said multiple times I'm not trying anymore, which means I won't be having sex ever again except maybe with a dildo, so the "stop having sex with them" part won't even be a problem. I'll have my vagina sewn shut before I ever do that again. But that doesn't change what happened.

But just out of curiosity...just about what percentage of men do you honestly think would be willing to wait, except if you happen to be "Ms. Perfect", someone who is just the right amount of beautiful and entertaining and passionate for them? Especially in my age range? And I have considered going for older men, but it seems like most of them don't take people my age seriously. So I'm stuck between these age groups, older and younger, both of which will just result in the same pain.
And in a sea of about 8 billion people, what do you think the chances of me being someone's Ms. Perfect ever were in the first place, even before all of this?
I may as well look for a needle in a haystack.
How old could I be after I'm done wasting vast amounts of time on people, waiting until they bail, and moving on to the next one, who will probably leave soon as well, all that time waiting for "the one"? Will he magically appear when I'm 40? Or when I'm 50 and infertile? This could go on for ages. I'm sick of this game.

I'm so angry because I've wasted any hope I had on them. I cannot trust anyone except family members, and any future involving a family of my own, children, etc. is gone now, wasted on liars and deceivers. That kind of future is gone now. That's a pretty big blow. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life at this point, since interaction with them has changed it so thoroughly. Trusting men enough not to know that sex must be used a 'bargaining chip' was the biggest mistake I ever made at this point.

By "dating is a process", it sounds like you're saying I'll probably have to sift through hundreds of snakes before I find anything. And by then, maybe I'll have been bitten so many times that I'll already be dead. Even if I don't sleep with them, I can still develop feelings for them. And when they leave, which it seems like most of them eventually will, there will still be pain.

*Sigh* just forget it. This is stupid. None of this is helping anything.

I don't know what these men expected of me. I did not expect very much of them. Maybe a tap-dancing mermaid supermodel will keep them entertained someday, I don't know. And at some point near the beginning of all of this, I kept hearing people say that women are more difficult to keep happy than men...what utter rubbish. What's eating away at me are the lies. EVERYONE lied, except the people here. It was such a waste. I've wasted myself, and my future, on lies.

Just from the initial stance of "I've wasted my life" shows that you aren't in the correct mindset to handle any relationship. Every failure is a learning opportunity. Successes are often riddled with previous failures.

Coming from a point of "I'm wasting my life" is coming from a point of despair and weakness, and you can be better than that.

If I were to recommend some books that helped me while I was down, would you consider reading them? If you aren't going to be able to go to therapy, these books might help you. If you are truly looking to get better, I would be happy to lend the best resources I know of to help.

[Millie]

just out of curiosity...just about what percentage of men do you honestly think would be willing to wait, except if you happen to be "Ms. Perfect", someone who is just the right amount of beautiful and entertaining and passionate for them? Especially in my age range? And I have considered going for older men, but it seems like most of them don't take people my age seriously. So I'm stuck between these age groups, older and younger, both of which will just result in the same pain.
And in a sea of about 8 billion people, what do you think the chances of me being someone's Ms. Perfect ever were in the first place, even before all of this?
I may as well look for a needle in a haystack.

I have no idea about percentages but I made my husband wait three years for full intercourse, by which time we were engaged, and we were younger than you are now. There's no such thing as a "Ms. Perfect", that person doesn't exist, I ticked certain boxes for my husband but probably would tick none at all for another guy - the idea that there's some sort of magic formula of beauty/character/passion that fits all men is clearly beyond ridiculous.

Here's the thing: relationships fail. Welcome to the way of the world. So three guys dated you for a while and broke up with you, so the hell what? It hurts, of course it does, but it's no reason at all to get all homicidal and torturous, that is not a normal reaction by any stretch of the imagination. You've identified a pattern of behaviour in those three guys because they approached things in a similar fashion, i.e. sloped away from the relationship in a somewhat cowardly fashion. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps they were fearful of the response they would get? The fact that you say you were not confrontational before them does not mean that they did not pick up on the fact that you have some serious issues, and the fact that you didn't show your emotions doesn't mean you didn't have any - clearly - I mean look at where you are now, disturbing doesn't even touch the sides of your current state of mind going by your OP. I'm guessing these guys picked up on the fact that you had the potential to get super scary long before you actually got super scary. The bottom line here is, YOU are the common denominator in the three relationships you've talked about here. YOU. Instead of blaming those guys for betraying your trust take a long hard look in the mirror and accept some responsibility - no relationship comes with any guarantees, I'd venture every person here has been dumped at some time or another, and yet you are the only one fantasising about torture - what does that tell you?

Oh and incidentally, the person you slashed with the box cutter should have pressed charges against you, I know for sure that I would. Get some help before you start murdering anyone who visits your apartment so that they won't leave you and then eat their rapidly decomposing body parts.

[namemyname]

I have no idea about percentages but I made my husband wait three years for full intercourse, by which time we were engaged, and we were younger than you are now. There's no such thing as a "Ms. Perfect", that person doesn't exist, I ticked certain boxes for my husband but probably would tick none at all for another guy - the idea that there's some sort of magic formula of beauty/character/passion that fits all men is clearly beyond ridiculous.

Here's the thing: relationships fail. Welcome to the way of the world. So three guys dated you for a while and broke up with you, so the hell what? It hurts, of course it does, but it's no reason at all to get all homicidal and torturous, that is not a normal reaction by any stretch of the imagination. You've identified a pattern of behaviour in those three guys because they approached things in a similar fashion, i.e. sloped away from the relationship in a somewhat cowardly fashion. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps they were fearful of the response they would get? The fact that you say you were not confrontational before them does not mean that they did not pick up on the fact that you have some serious issues, and the fact that you didn't show your emotions doesn't mean you didn't have any - clearly - I mean look at where you are now, disturbing doesn't even touch the sides of your current state of mind going by your OP. I'm guessing these guys picked up on the fact that you had the potential to get super scary long before you actually got super scary. The bottom line here is, YOU are the common denominator in the three relationships you've talked about here. YOU. Instead of blaming those guys for betraying your trust take a long hard look in the mirror and accept some responsibility - no relationship comes with any guarantees, I'd venture every person here has been dumped at some time or another, and yet you are the only one fantasising about torture - what does that tell you?

Oh and incidentally, the person you slashed with the box cutter should have pressed charges against you, I know for sure that I would. Get some help before you start murdering anyone who visits your apartment so that they won't leave you and then eat their rapidly decomposing body parts.

Thank you!!! I'm amazed at the replies offering gentle dating advice.

From the OP's OP:

I've envisioned torturing and killing them over and over...hearing the bang of the gun, feeling the crack of their skulls against the steel toe of my boots, watching the life leave their eyes...and at the end of those visions, I'm elated. The dead can't torment me. They're dead. It's over. I've won.

I'm beside myself that people aren't focusing on how sick this young lady actually is.

I truly would track her IP and turn her over to local police. Publishing intentions of murder and making outright death threats and plans should NOT be taken lightly.

Sheesh.

[LifeInflux]

Thank you!!! I'm amazed at the replies offering gentle dating advice.

From the OP's OP:

I've envisioned torturing and killing them over and over...hearing the bang of the gun, feeling the crack of their skulls against the steel toe of my boots, watching the life leave their eyes...and at the end of those visions, I'm elated. The dead can't torment me. They're dead. It's over. I've won.

I'm beside myself that people aren't focusing on how sick this young lady actually is.

I truly would track her IP and turn her over to local police. Publishing intentions of murder and making outright death threats and plans should NOT be taken lightly.

Sheesh.

Oh no, its obvious she needs help.... white room straight jacket help, but in the even that is all an exaggeration... gentle advice is always nice. (first rhyme is free, 10 cents for every rhyme after)

[namemyname]

Oh no, its obvious she needs help.... white room straight jacket help, but in the even that is all an exaggeration... gentle advice is always nice. (first rhyme is free, 10 cents for every rhyme after)

LOL on the rhyme. Do you take paypal?

I think an exaggeration would be, "I'm so tired and mad of being used, I could literally smack these guys!!"

But, the level of detail and thought put into her murder plans, not to mention shanking someone totally unrelated to these perps, makes her ripe for inpatient.

Like, I'm sure we've all either personally, or known someone who has said they were so depressed, they wanted to die. Exaggeration, right? But, to then craft out how they would commit suicide, with detail, is a whole other level of nutty.

[InternalBleed]

I'm not "sick". I've seen posts (not here, elsewhere) far worse than mine. Daydreaming or envisioning doing what I want to do is what keeps me from actually doing it. I have read that those who don't daydream actually act out their impulses more. So it is really a good thing that I have a vivid imagination.

I briefly went to a psych a long time ago because of something else unrelated to this, and it was nothing, just some stupid "personality disorders", which I am 99% sure are just made up so that psychological theorists can have something to do. If it were anything of real concern, they would have prescribed me meds or something, but there was none of that. It was an irrelevant waste of money when I went, so even if I had the money now, I don't know what good they could possibly do.

Physical pain is fleeting. Other pain, or "spiritual" pain, is not. I can live with permanent physical scars, I already have those anyway. But not permanent internal scars. If I could find some way to destroy them internally...I'd much prefer that to destroying them physically. The former is worse, because that's a lifetime of torture eating away at your insides.

This whole thing is just not right. And I wouldn't be surprised if the person I cut decided to cut my face back. That would be fair, so I couldn't complain. I earned that scar. He hasn't been around me since, but if I get the chance to speak to him, I have thought about offering to let him cut me back. I don't see why I shouldn't, because I deserve it. I snapped on the wrong person. He can get back at me.
But these internal scars...I didn't earn those. I never hurt them. I want to get back at them. I'd rather they had all just cracked whips to my back. Then I might care less.

This situation apparently looks small to everyone else's mindsets, since people apparently do this to each other all the time. But to mine...they've done far worse than cracked whips to my flesh, all three. If the amount of damage inflicted from this were physical rather than internal...then you'd see.

[LifeInflux]

I'm not "sick". I've seen posts (not here, elsewhere) far worse than mine. Daydreaming or envisioning doing what I want to do is what keeps me from actually doing it. I have read that those who don't daydream actually act out their impulses more. So it is really a good thing that I have a vivid imagination.

I briefly went to a psych a long time ago because of something else unrelated to this, and it was nothing, just some stupid "personality disorders", which I am 99% sure are just made up so that psychological theorists can have something to do. If it were anything of real concern, they would have prescribed me meds or something, but there was none of that. It was an irrelevant waste of money when I went, so even if I had the money now, I don't know what good they could possibly do.

Physical pain is fleeting. Other pain, or "spiritual" pain, is not. I can live with permanent physical scars, I already have those anyway. But not permanent internal scars. If I could find some way to destroy them internally...I'd much prefer that to destroying them physically. The former is worse, because that's a lifetime of torture eating away at your insides.

This whole thing is just not right. And I wouldn't be surprised if the person I cut decided to cut my face back. That would be fair, so I couldn't complain. I earned that scar. He hasn't been around me since, but if I get the chance to speak to him, I have thought about offering to let him cut me back. I don't see why I shouldn't, because I deserve it. I snapped on the wrong person. He can get back at me.
But these internal scars...I didn't earn those. I never hurt them. I want to get back at them. I'd rather they had all just cracked whips to my back. Then I might care less.

This situation apparently looks small to everyone else's mindsets, since people apparently do this to each other all the time. But to mine...they've done far worse than cracked whips to my flesh, all three. If the amount of damage inflicted from this were physical rather than internal...then you'd see.

And on that note, this conversations over. I think I'm going to check out on this one..... You've chosen your path, nothing we say is going to help. Mental and personality issues aren't dealt with by medication, its dealt with retraining the brain to think positively and correctly.

I feel sorry for those you may end up hurting in the future.

[Millie]

Yeah, me too, I'm out, you may have seen posts 'far worse' than yours, but I haven't and frankly I don't wish to. I agree with Flux entirely - I would wish you good luck but truthfully until you get the help you so badly need those wishes should go to people who have the misfortune of coming in contact with you.

[namemyname]

And on that note, this conversations over. I think I'm going to check out on this one..... You've chosen your path, nothing we say is going to help. Mental and personality issues aren't dealt with by medication, its dealt with retraining the brain to think positively and correctly.

I feel sorry for those you may end up hurting in the future.

Take me with you!!!!!!!!! And...hold me???

[Valixy]

....I'll repost this....sorry

[LifeInflux]

Take me with you!!!!!!!!! And...hold me???

You'll have to ride on the back of my pretend motorcycle as we ride off into the sunset... thats the only right way to end it.

[Millie]

Take me with you!!!!!!!!! And...hold me???

Lol Name, looks like we're three-for-three!

[namemyname]

You'll have to ride on the back of my pretend motorcycle as we ride off into the sunset... thats the only right way to end it.

But, we're carrying mega assault weapons, as I feel like we've just had a zombie encounter, or something kinda Mad Max-ish... lol

[namemyname]

Yeah, me too, I'm out, you may have seen posts 'far worse' than yours, but I haven't and frankly I don't wish to. I agree with Flux entirely - I would wish you good luck but truthfully until you get the help you so badly need those wishes should go to people who have the misfortune of coming in contact with you.

That's only because Jeffrey Dahmer didn't have internet.