I want to Kill my exes. Literally.

[namemyname]

Its bad everywhere. Every country has been affected by the media over the years but America just comes across as worse to me. Everyone afraid of commitment etc, everyone having FWB. Im not saying it doesnt happen here but here it is considered a minority while it comes across as almost normal in America..

I used to live in Europe. And I agree - the mentality is FAR less repressive than the US when it comes to sex.

BUT, it seemed every married guy I knew had a mistress, and it was understood to the wife that this is how things worked, so that kinda sucked, and I saw it as a rather warped sense of commitment.

Otherwise, European men are less selfish lovers than American guys.

Ding - maybe I should go back for a visit.

OP - provided you're not trolling, just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean you were used. Most relationships end at some point, as very few people meet, date, get married, and stay married until death.

If you're so convinced guys are using you, then don't have sex until your wedding night.

[namemyname]

As for US culture.... the US is an entertainment culture, and sex and violence sell more than any other type of entertainment.

And don't forget - a FATTY McFAT culture!!! 60% of Americans are supersized. I just had to rant on my bias against chubbies, and the accurate view of Americans as being obese.

Sex and violence are right up there.

Go USA!

[InternalBleed]

I'm convinced that they simply used me because of the way that they left. I understand that relationships break up, but none of these men even had the decency to say goodbye. They literally just stopped answering my calls and did not contact me. If they had even a speck of caring for me, wouldn't they leave in a decent way, instead of just abandoning me? They did not care about me at all.

What I hate about it the most is the lying and the faking. I'd heard the saying "women fake orgasms, men fake relationships" before, but never believed it. Well, now I believe it; I've seen it with my own eyes. I'm sick of false relationships. I at least wasn't a damn liar - didn't even fake an orgasm. They faked everything. If they had been honest and said "I'm really not that into you", that would have been great. But all they did was LIE.

[LifeInflux]

And don't forget - a FATTY McFAT culture!!! 60% of Americans are supersized. I just had to rant on my bias against chubbies, and the accurate view of Americans as being obese.

Sex and violence are right up there.

Go USA!

This is true, but that culture is changing slowly. Don't forget how HUGE the US is. I live in Houston, one of the fattest cities in the US, and even here the shift to a healthier lifestyle is growing.

The fast food culture isn't going to die here anytime soon, but we're seeing a shift to healthier fast food. Most people just don't understand what a good diet is, and theres little transparency between the food on the menu and what nutrients you actually need in your body.


All we can really do is take care of ourselves... and I'm personally well proportioned, and support local growers markets.

[michelle23]

BUT, it seemed every married guy I knew had a mistress, and it was understood to the wife that this is how things worked, so that kinda sucked, and I saw it as a rather warped sense of commitment.

Its not accepted where I come from. Its considered the worse thing you can ever do.. Cheaters are scum.

[LifeInflux]

I'm convinced that they simply used me because of the way that they left. I understand that relationships break up, but none of these men even had the decency to say goodbye. They literally just stopped answering my calls and did not contact me. If they had even a speck of caring for me, wouldn't they leave in a decent way, instead of just abandoning me? They did not care about me at all.

What I hate about it the most is the lying and the faking. I'd heard the saying "women fake orgasms, men fake relationships" before, but never believed it. Well, now I believe it; I've seen it with my own eyes. I'm sick of false relationships. I at least wasn't a damn liar - didn't even fake an orgasm. They faked everything. If they had been honest and said "I'm really not that into you", that would have been great. But all they did was LIE.

Can you elaborate a little bit on the nature of these relationships? How long were they? What was the last thing that happened? Were there fights? Did you try to kill them or threaten them in any way?


Spend 30 minutes reading through some threads here and it will be easy to tell that many of the men here are just as invested in relationships, and sometimes more so than their female counterparts. This is a person by person situation, and your situations should be prefaced by letting us know what went wrong in the relationship.

[VincenzoG91]

InternalBleed, you already got some great advice in this thread, especially from UnderTheMoon. I understand that you can't afford therapy, but if you check around, you can probably find an affordable anger management class in your area. I took one years ago, and it was a pivotal experience in my life. I went in resentfully (my girlfriend insisted upon it after the second time that I verbally abused her), thinking that it would be a bunch of touchy-feely nonsense, but it was actually a very positive experience. They won me over in the first five minutes by telling me that anger is a perfectly natural emotion to experience, but that we all have the responsibility to control how we respond to that anger.

I am not going to blame you for any of your past actions or choices, but I would like you to consider the possibility that you are attracting the wrong guys by the way you present yourself. Is it possible that there is distinct difference between your appearance and your interests? Just for a random example, maybe you dress like corporate Barbie but you are really a free-spirited bohemian, so you tend to attract materialistic, judgmental jerks. Or maybe the opposite, you have tats and piercings, but you are otherwise a very traditional and conservative type that keeps getting hit on by flaky hipsters. Aside from those random guesses, I'm betting that you are physically attractive, so you keep attracting guys who appreciate you only for your appearance.

Going forward, I suggest that you sit out dating for a while, at least until you can complete an anger management class. After that, try to keep an open mind when dating someone new, but be very observant. One rule of thumb that I've heard is that you should pay attention to how a guy treats a waiter or waitress at a restaurant, because that is how he will eventually treat you. And see if you can delay having sex with a new guy for several months at the minimum. A guy who just wants sex from you will get impatient and give up after a month or two. That's what I did when I was younger. Also, those extra months will give you more time to figure the guy out and see if there is real compatibility beyond the initial attraction.

[Valixy]

OP, you're 20 years old, right? That is a delicate age frame to find the right partner. You're still not defined as a person and you still know little about love and relationships and obviously you still need mental and emotional growing up to do in order to overcome the deceptions you have faced and which are overcoming you at the moment. Sometimes we simply need a little bit of time in order to gain a bit more strength and maturity for being able to face certain experiences from our lives in the right way. In other words the correct inner perspective sometimes changes everything. You wouldn't be upset now for some of the things that you were crying your heart out when you were 5, would you? No, because you have grown up, moved on, you're another person now, much stronger and mature and you know better.

In my opinion, adolescence is a very complicated time for romances also because you're either dating young immature boys who would say anything to anyone just to sleep with a girl or older guys who rarely continue the relationship with someone so young, being her sweet and attractive but still needing to complete her education first, start building a life for herself, etc. I know that you're hurting like hell at the moment but what you have been through is pretty common, most people you know have had their hearts broken more than once, have been dumped or cheated on, or if they haven't yet, most probably they will one day unfortunately. This is who we are as human beings and obviously the love experience is still a little bit too complex for most of us but we're always learning, at least we hope so. Will the dating experience change when you're 25 or 30 or 40...? Most probably, yes, you will become a stronger, more confident and happier woman and this will increase your chances for a happier relationship, but there will never be a guarantee for this. The only guarantee that exists is that in time you will enjoy and appreciate much more the happy moments, you'll learn to approach constructively the problems that will inevitably arise and find positive solutions eventually and if there won't be a solution, you'll also be able to face a break-up without being completely devastated anymore.

Since we're all betrayed by people who we love and trust and we all suffer every now and then, the only difference we can make is by learning how to deal with this kind of situations in the best possible way. The solution is not to hurt back because it will not help you or anyone heal. You would simply feel twice as bad, still deceived, but guilty too and even more unhappy than before, much more and for a much longer time, then you'd be completely trapped actually. The solution is the one that everyone else applies when dealing with pain. You give yourself time to heal, you learn to recognise the pattern, you do some soul searching, and you look for help. If you'd have a terrible persistent stomach ache, you'd go to the doctor after a while, wouldn't you? If you needed more treatment, you'd go again, right? You'd learn to make adjustments, look for remedies, take care of yourself...Well, when you're hurt emotionally as you are at the moment, you need to do the same, because your real problem is not that you are angry with those guys, that is a simple expression of the fact that you're feeling hurt and you know this. So you need to take yourself seriously and do something about it and start investing time in trying to feel better little by little. This means looking for help, learning from others who have been in similar situations, sharing your feelings, looking for therapy that you can find available, praying, focus on positive things that you enjoy, make yourself happy within your possibilities however you can - we are all different but there is something that works for each of us.

So you would start a process of emotional and mental growing that will help you understand your painful feelings, learn to deal with them and most importantly will help you overcome them. Deep down, OP, it's not revenge you need, but to start feeling better and make that pain go away and you will, because when you will be happy again and fully enjoying life, some stupid guys who didn't know how to appreciate someone like you simply won't matter anymore. They will remain the same selfish ignorant people and will receive their well deserved lessons from life, while you will move on, learning so many new things about yourself and too busy being happy.

There's a saying: you can't cover all the surface of the Earth so that you would never hurt your feet, but you can cover your feet. OP, there will always be people that will hurt us consciously or unconsciously in a way or another in life but we can and we need to learn how to deal with the situations that we encounter, how much/in what way we allow them to affect us and how do we respond to them. It's our individual responsibility and the only way we can be happy in life and believe me, this is the only path that it's worth taking. I have to warn you though, you WILL become a wiser, stronger and happier person in the process.

[namemyname]

I'm convinced that they simply used me because of the way that they left. I understand that relationships break up, but none of these men even had the decency to say goodbye. They literally just stopped answering my calls and did not contact me. If they had even a speck of caring for me, wouldn't they leave in a decent way, instead of just abandoning me? They did not care about me at all.

Uh, no.

If I were a guy dating you, and got to know the depth of your anger and violent tendencies, I'd also slip out the back and avoid you entirely. If for no other reason than you taking a hatchet to me while I slept.

You're not emotionally healthy, in fact, you're quite psychopathically sick, and I'm quite sure these guys knew it. So yeah, it's easy to blame THEM, but from your posts on here, they clearly were (rightfully) fearing for their lives.

Walk into the police station, tell them you are planning on killing your ex's, and they'll be sure you get the right help. Free o' charge.

[InternalBleed]

Can you elaborate a little bit on the nature of these relationships? How long were they? What was the last thing that happened? Were there fights? Did you try to kill them or threaten them in any way?


Spend 30 minutes reading through some threads here and it will be easy to tell that many of the men here are just as invested in relationships, and sometimes more so than their female counterparts. This is a person by person situation, and your situations should be prefaced by letting us know what went wrong in the relationship.

Okay, I'll elaborate.

For starters, no, I didn't threaten to kill any of them. I didn't start wanting to kill them, or anyone, until the depression hit me a few months after the last relationship ended. One of them even asked me "do you ever get angry?"...and back then, the answer was practically no. Before I met them, I was quite happy and content. During the relationships, when I still thought there was a chance something might work out, I was also quite happy. When the last one ended...that was the last straw. It's like that flipped a switch in my brain or something.

The anger I have now was not always there. It was caused by repeated abandonment. Anger does not simply pop out of nowhere.

I don't know why people are assuming that I was angry BEFORE the cause of my anger happened...that wouldn't make any sense. Cause (being repeatedly abandoned and/or used) results in effect (anger, depression, etc.). Effects CANNOT appear without a cause. People seem to be assuming that the effect (extreme anger) just appeared from thin air...why?


There were 3. The first one lasted about 5-6 months, and I thought things were going very well. We went all around the city together. He seemed quite well-adjusted and so was I at the time. He wanted to introduce me to his parents, but they weren't in the city at the time. Nothing stood out to me as leading to a breakup...that's why I was so shocked by it. We actually didn't argue even once, because I usually just let things slide for the sake of peace. And then as time went on, he gradually faded away.

The second one was the briefest, seeing each other occasionally for about 3-4 months. It was very similar to the last, except the contact ended more abruptly and we traveled less.

The third was the longest, at about 7-8 months. I didn't know what went wrong with the last two, so I tried my hardest with this one. I figured maybe I wasn't doing enough last time, so I tried very hard to impress this one. I tried to mentally prepare to talk about stuff that he found interesting, sometimes even bringing books along for reference. I took a ridiculous amount of time getting ready before I saw him, literally preparing about 3 hours in advance of his arrival. I tried to think of doing stuff he might like to do, but he never took me up on any of my offers. I knew that I was putting more effort into it than he was, but I didn't know why. And then, of course, he faded into a ghost. The only reason that he even said goodbye, instead of leaving me hanging, is because I met him by chance at a Starbucks and asked him if he had intended to break up with me, just to be sure. He said yes and made up some excuse about being too busy for me. Even though he seemed perfectly capable of making time for everyone else. I knew it wasn't true, but I nodded, said bye, and left.


What seems to be happening is that they don't hate me, but they don't like me a lot either. They all seem completely apathetic. They could tell that I cared a lot, but they either didn't want to or couldn't get themselves to care about me as well.

What's so frustrating is that I can't see any rational reason why they left like that. I understand cutting off contact with someone if they cussed you out or tried to harm you or something...but none of that ever happened. The closest thing I had to an argument with any of them was when we were debating about whether or not Shakespeare was a phony.

It's maddening, largely because I can't make sense of it. I don't know what more I could have done. If I was doing something wrong (which I don't deny is possible), then why not just TELL me? I even asked the last one what he thought I should change about myself so I wouldn't make the same mistakes in the future when we met at Starbucks. And he just said "Nothing, you're a wonderful person, don't change..." ...well, obviously, not 'wonderful' enough.

So I don't know why any of them left because I either didn't have the chance to ask before they broke up with me, and the one person I did get to ask didn't give any helpful information. So I'm lost and I don't know what is wrong with me, because they will not tell me.

The whole thing seems crazy to me. They had all spoken to me about ex-girlfriends they had, who did various horrible things (cheat on them, nag constantly, etc.)...I did none of those things and they left me like trash. It sounded to me like they treated women who were evil to them much better than someone who wasn't. THAT is why I am angry.

[fearoflove]

They don't think you are interesting/attractive enough to stick around. Just wanted the sex because most guys can't get laid that easily (so they will bang any girl that are willing). Next time, make sure you have everything you need before having sex (unless you just want to have sex with him). Let him establish a habit of seeing you/get emotionally attached before rewarding him with sex. Let him spend money on you before having sex with him. Or, whatever else you need. If he doesn't treat you like a lady, don't give him sex.

[namemyname]

The anger I have now was not always there. It was caused by repeated abandonment. Anger does not simply pop out of nowhere.

Yeah, no.

Your response is entirely out of line with your circumstances.

When people feel betrayed or disappointed in love, the "normal/healthy/expected" response is, "that's it! I'm done with men(women!). No more for me! I'm joining a convent or becoming a Priest."

That's how emotionally healthy/intact people react.

Your response, which is to contemplate murders and already strike out against someone violently, is NOT mentally or emotionally appropriate. It's psychopathic, in fact.

Even in my darkest rages and anger against men whom I felt wronged me, I never ONCE thought of causing them bodily harm or murder.

You are a very sick young woman, and I truly hope you turn yourself in for help before you act out on your impulses.

In fact, if I were the moderator of this forum, I would track your IP and notify local authorities of your death threats.

[LifeInflux]

Thank you for some clarifications. I'll break this down in a few stages:

The anger of abandonment, in some form or another everyone faces this type of fear. You are getting angry because you don't know the reason, but the fear of abandonment has left you changing how you act (with the third guy) to accommodate him enough so he wouldn't leave. Changing yourself for the sake of another will leave you confused and unhappy. Normally when things happen in this manner, most people feel sadness, maybe a little anger towards the person, but it is extremely unhealthy to let it bother you to the point of a murderous rage. Me just having to type that sentence is just.. disturbing to me.


Lets talk about the nature of the relationships now. You mentioned that nothing was necessarily bad in any of the relationships, but I don't sense any passion in any of the relationships either. Perhaps you never got "angry" but maybe you never needed to get angry? Maybe you were never passionate about anyone enough to where nothing bothered you about them. Maybe you felt like not being confrontational then would seem agreeable and make you more likeable?


I've said this a few times since I've been a part of this forum, and I've only been here a week... ... just because two people are nice, and care about each other, and not inherently evil, and don't threaten or hurt each other.. ------ even if they get along perfectly and appear pleasant when they are out, and know each others families... ---- even if they go out of their way to do nice things and clean each others houses and play with each others pets (not a euphemism) ... --- it doesn't mean that they are meant to be together or that they have any lasting love or bond.


People can get together and be nice and cordial simply because they aren't assholes. They can have sex and be physically intimate, but that doesn't mean they will have a lasting bond.


Dating is a process. You meet people, you find characteristics you like about some, and bad characteristic you hate in another, and you chase the ones you like and discard those you don't. Start getting a clear picture in your head, with each of these guys, the things you liked about them and the things you didn't like. You dated three guys.. were they all "the one"? Did it matter SO much that each of them work out?


Next, if you feel you are being used, theres a simple solution. STOP HAVING SEX WITH THEM. Good guys will be willing to wait, and getting to know them and talking to the ones that are willing to hang around is the best way to ensure you won't get let down repeatedly. You control your sex life, so if you feel its being abused its up to you to control it, not others.

[InternalBleed]

They don't think you are interesting/attractive enough to stick around. Just wanted the sex because most guys can't get laid that easily (so they will bang any girl that are willing). Next time, make sure you have everything you need before having sex (unless you just want to have sex with him). Let him establish a habit of seeing you/get emotionally attached before rewarding him with sex. Let him spend money on you before having sex with him. Or, whatever else you need. If he doesn't treat you like a lady, don't give him sex.

I suspected it might be something like this, thanks for saying it. Yeah, I give up. If I have to resort to using sex as a bargaining chip to achieve anything, then I want nothing to do with human relationships. It may as well be a cold, hard business deal if we have to reduce it down to some sex-for-money contract.

That's how emotionally healthy/intact people react.

I've actually gone to a counselor before, for a different issue. I checked out fine. He sent me home with no meds or anything.

[InternalBleed]

Thanks.

I've already said multiple times I'm not trying anymore, which means I won't be having sex ever again except maybe with a dildo, so the "stop having sex with them" part won't even be a problem. I'll have my vagina sewn shut before I ever do that again. But that doesn't change what happened.

But just out of curiosity...just about what percentage of men do you honestly think would be willing to wait, except if you happen to be "Ms. Perfect", someone who is just the right amount of beautiful and entertaining and passionate for them? Especially in my age range? And I have considered going for older men, but it seems like most of them don't take people my age seriously. So I'm stuck between these age groups, older and younger, both of which will just result in the same pain.
And in a sea of about 8 billion people, what do you think the chances of me being someone's Ms. Perfect ever were in the first place, even before all of this?
I may as well look for a needle in a haystack.
How old could I be after I'm done wasting vast amounts of time on people, waiting until they bail, and moving on to the next one, who will probably leave soon as well, all that time waiting for "the one"? Will he magically appear when I'm 40? Or when I'm 50 and infertile? This could go on for ages. I'm sick of this game.

I'm so angry because I've wasted any hope I had on them. I cannot trust anyone except family members, and any future involving a family of my own, children, etc. is gone now, wasted on liars and deceivers. That kind of future is gone now. That's a pretty big blow. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life at this point, since interaction with them has changed it so thoroughly. Trusting men enough not to know that sex must be used a 'bargaining chip' was the biggest mistake I ever made at this point.

By "dating is a process", it sounds like you're saying I'll probably have to sift through hundreds of snakes before I find anything. And by then, maybe I'll have been bitten so many times that I'll already be dead. Even if I don't sleep with them, I can still develop feelings for them. And when they leave, which it seems like most of them eventually will, there will still be pain.

*Sigh* just forget it. This is stupid. None of this is helping anything.

I don't know what these men expected of me. I did not expect very much of them. Maybe a tap-dancing mermaid supermodel will keep them entertained someday, I don't know. And at some point near the beginning of all of this, I kept hearing people say that women are more difficult to keep happy than men...what utter rubbish. What's eating away at me are the lies. EVERYONE lied, except the people here. It was such a waste. I've wasted myself, and my future, on lies.