I want to Kill my exes. Literally.

[InternalBleed]

Basically every male I've ever tried to have a relationship with just used me for sex.

And these were not "loser" guys, so please don't say "you're just choosing the wrong men". None were stereotypical "losers"...just men who seemed decent, but apparently just wanted sex. And they used the facade of a relationship to get it. Then they just left me. They were all liars and manipulators, nothing more.

The pain and anger this has caused has driven me mad. I've already hurt one person because I've been dangerously angry all the time, and he didn't even have anything to do with this. He said something that hit a nerve with me, so I just snapped and cut his cheek and part of his lip open with a box cutter. He wasn't even speaking directly to me. The only reason I'm not in jail right now is because he is a friend of my brother's, and he convinced him to not call the police. The anger I have is so intense that it lasts all day and makes me want to kill.

I feel like going Jodi Arias on their asses. I've become a mixture of angry, depressed, paranoid, and misanthropic as the result of what's happened. I punched metal until my hands were bruised and swollen. I've shattered many things, including a television. I've never been this mad in my life. I've kept myself from visiting any of them because I can't be sure of what I'll do. I've thought about it a lot. Guns, knives, home-made bombs, poisons, I've considered it all. It's like the anger inside of me is itching to kill or maim them, even if it's the last thing I do. I may not be able to cripple them inside the way they've done me, but I can cripple their bodies and call it even.

I've been filled with so much hate that I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm beyond mad; I'm bloodthirsty. I think I'm literally going mad. This intense anger is all that fuels me...it's like an energy that makes me feel like I could spit fire. It seems like killing them is the only cure for it. It's all I can focus on.

I've tried distracting myself with hobbies, reading, TV, etc., but none of it helped. I can't even concentrate on the distractions, because I'm always still thinking about killing them. Memories of them just pop out of nowhere, then the rage follows. If I don't kill them, then they've hurt me and just walked away. I feel like they're somewhere laughing at me. But if I succeed in killing them...then I turn the tables and make them my b*tch. I have the last laugh. I've envisioned torturing and killing them over and over...hearing the bang of the gun, feeling the crack of their skulls against the steel toe of my boots, watching the life leave their eyes...and at the end of those visions, I'm elated. The dead can't torment me. They're dead. It's over. I've won.

To them, all I am is some slut - and that's fine. But two can play at that game. Because to me, they're just pigs for slaughter. All I can think about is revenge...having no sympathy for them in the same way that they had none for me. They can lay there, gutted like pigs, and I'd see my smile reflected in their blood on the floor.

I may have been an idiot for ever trusting them, but they are idiots for trusting me not to kill them.

This rage is somewhat deadly; I've made that point clear. And I don't know how to make it go away, besides killing them. Distractions don't work. And it's not like I have hundreds of dollars to spend on some therapist to tell me to calm down. The reason why I am writing this, is because I hope that someone who has gone through this before can tell me what they did to make it stop. The anger never goes away: I can't remember my dreams, but I suspect that I even dream about what they've put me through, because I always wake up enraged. I need to cure this intense rage.

Since I apparently don't respond well to these types of situations, I've already decided to just not have any opposite-sex relationships at all. Because if it happens again, I have no idea what I'll do. But that doesn't change what's already happened.

[4 ratties]

If I knew you personally, I would turn you into the authorities.

[UnderTheMoon]

Look Bleed, I will tell you right now, this anger path is not the way to go. I, also like you, have been ****ed over many times. I found myself thinking and feeling the same way at one point, the only difference is, the person I ****ed up, was an abusive prick and he had his eye busted open so badly they had to stitch it from the inside out to keep his eye from falling out. You know what kept me from having assault charges pressed against me? The fact that I had a blood lip and a swollen cheek where this dumb drunk **** hit me first.

First thing you need to realize, not only did you get ****ed over, but you are continuing to be ****ed over by these guys every time you get mad. They still have control over you because you are allowing yourself to be angry. You need to look in the mirror and forgive yourself for being angry because anger like they say, is really an overwhelming amount of sadness that the mind can no longer take and it has a dangerous turn. I understand you can not afford a therapist so I am going to tell you right now what you need to do. First, you need to apologize to anyone you have taken your anger out on, they deserve your respect as a human being because those people you hurt from being mad, are not bad people, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time during one of your fits. Yes I said fits because that is what this is. I am worried for your mental health right now because these kinds of thoughts are crippling beyond descriptive words alone. Secondly, you need to stay away from any of your ex's, not just for your own well being, but for theirs too, with as terrible as they have been to you, it isn't worth throwing your life away over revenge. So block them out of all aspects of your physical life, and your cyber life. Thirdly, when you have such a negative thought, you need to remind yourself that it is not your fault, that you are better than that, you are not a bad woman you just have had some really shit luck but soon, it WILL get better. Fourth, you need to make yourself a punching bag, or anything that you can let loose on when you feel this rage overwhelming you from the inside and you beat the **** out of that inanimate object until you can't move anymore, and then you let yourself cry. I am sure you have felt the urge to already with all this overwhelming frustration. Just let it out. The healthy and safe way to do it, is through physical activity like I said, beat the **** out of SOMETHING not SOMEONE. Just make sure you protect yourself from getting hurt, you are probably a very beautiful lady and you should take care of yourself. Your body is your temple and it deserves your love. When you reach this point where you are emotionally exhausted think of something that makes you happy. Think of the happiest moment of your life and then go to sleep. I am sure if you do, these horribly dreams, will no longer bother you because you will have no only vented out this rage physically but you have emptied your mind emotionally and replaced it with something you love.

You need to clear your mind, meditate, let every thought leave you until there is nothing in your mind to distract you. Then (and this will happen) as you have your mind emptied you may feel this rage creeping up on the edge as thoughts, put something in its place like I said before that makes you happy. Makes you want to love life and be grateful to have this existence..

I know once again you can't afford therapy, but there are plenty of resources available to you. Usually the same place you would have to go to get food stamps and welfare, provides free counseling services in the form of drug rehab, marital counseling, and many more, and I am sure they have a program for people who have anger issues. You also have anonymous groups at your disposal as well. If I were you I would start researching this as soon as possible and take advantage of it. I know revenge sounds good, but they win if you do something terrible. Then you will never have peace because they only brought you down more. So be STRONG. Step Up from this mess, and start moving forward. I only hope you haven't done anything foolish to ruin your life as of yet. There is hope for you out there and someone who WILL love you more than just physically using you. You didn't have to find these people, they found you. I know how that goes because I have obviously been there. Do the research and let me know what you find, and try these things ASAP and let me know how you feel. You can get past this trust me. I am glad you at least turned somewhere because some may not see it, but I recognize a cry for help and honey, it may not necessarily be the right place, but there are many competent people on this forum who can give you the advice you need, not just what you want to hear.

Let me know what is going on.

[michelle23]

get some counselling for your anger

oh and dont hop into bed with a guy until you have both agreed you want an exclusive relationship. I hate to say this but the problem has to be you. I personally have never been used or ever been dumped and I know plenty other girls who havnt either.. A couple of guys have tried it on obviously that would have used me if I let them but I gave them the boot and they never got passed a couple of kisses.

Maybe you are just bad at reading people. Learn to spot the assholes quicker.

How long does it take you to realize you are being used? And how long before you get rid of them? If your the type to sit around hoping he will change or miraculously fall for you then you are deluding yourself. It should be one chance for him to prove to you he is worthy and if he blows it-he is gone. No second chances

Also If they all think you are "some slut" why is that? Do you have a reputation for sleeping around? Do you dress provocatively? Do you go home with them on the first date? What can you do to change how others see you?

Do you ignore red flags such as "I am not looking for a relationship right now but maybe in the near future" Does that make you think maybe when we are together 3 months he might commit? That is a warning sign to run if you hear those words "I am not looking for a relationship right now but.."

You have to keep your eyes wide open. Dont trust a guy until he has proven through actions (not words) that he can be trusted

[misombra]

You need to be admitted to a mental hospital.

[vashti]

It' probably your anger issues that drive them away.

[HeartIsAching]

hun just stay away from american men. find yourself a nice European lad.

Go to hell, Michelle.

OP - the sad fact is, that you are picking the wrong men. It's not just "losers" who do this kind of thing, its a particular set of socializations that you probably both share. You're attracted to men with this attitude, whether it shows or not.

Most places in the U.S. have community mental health facilities that offer counseling on a sliding scale. I went for $20/week... some guys paid a lot more.

I suggest that you first seek out a domestic violence victims counseling program (often they're free), with group therapy, and start listening. I bet you'll be amazed at how congruent your experiences have been with those women. Stay long enough, and you'll likely figure out what's wrong with your 'man picker' (thanks, Vashti) and make better choices in the future.

Trust me on this - you DON'T want a violent crime on your record. Not even a "threat" type of crime.

[InternalBleed]

Look Bleed, I will tell you right now, this anger path is not the way to go. I, also like you, have been ****ed over many times. I found myself thinking and feeling the same way at one point, the only difference is, the person I ****ed up, was an abusive prick and he had his eye busted open so badly they had to stitch it from the inside out to keep his eye from falling out. You know what kept me from having assault charges pressed against me? The fact that I had a blood lip and a swollen cheek where this dumb drunk **** hit me first.

First thing you need to realize, not only did you get ****ed over, but you are continuing to be ****ed over by these guys every time you get mad. They still have control over you because you are allowing yourself to be angry. You need to look in the mirror and forgive yourself for being angry because anger like they say, is really an overwhelming amount of sadness that the mind can no longer take and it has a dangerous turn. I understand you can not afford a therapist so I am going to tell you right now what you need to do. First, you need to apologize to anyone you have taken your anger out on, they deserve your respect as a human being because those people you hurt from being mad, are not bad people, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time during one of your fits. Yes I said fits because that is what this is. I am worried for your mental health right now because these kinds of thoughts are crippling beyond descriptive words alone. Secondly, you need to stay away from any of your ex's, not just for your own well being, but for theirs too, with as terrible as they have been to you, it isn't worth throwing your life away over revenge. So block them out of all aspects of your physical life, and your cyber life. Thirdly, when you have such a negative thought, you need to remind yourself that it is not your fault, that you are better than that, you are not a bad woman you just have had some really shit luck but soon, it WILL get better. Fourth, you need to make yourself a punching bag, or anything that you can let loose on when you feel this rage overwhelming you from the inside and you beat the **** out of that inanimate object until you can't move anymore, and then you let yourself cry. I am sure you have felt the urge to already with all this overwhelming frustration. Just let it out. The healthy and safe way to do it, is through physical activity like I said, beat the **** out of SOMETHING not SOMEONE. Just make sure you protect yourself from getting hurt, you are probably a very beautiful lady and you should take care of yourself. Your body is your temple and it deserves your love. When you reach this point where you are emotionally exhausted think of something that makes you happy. Think of the happiest moment of your life and then go to sleep. I am sure if you do, these horribly dreams, will no longer bother you because you will have no only vented out this rage physically but you have emptied your mind emotionally and replaced it with something you love.

You need to clear your mind, meditate, let every thought leave you until there is nothing in your mind to distract you. Then (and this will happen) as you have your mind emptied you may feel this rage creeping up on the edge as thoughts, put something in its place like I said before that makes you happy. Makes you want to love life and be grateful to have this existence..

I know once again you can't afford therapy, but there are plenty of resources available to you. Usually the same place you would have to go to get food stamps and welfare, provides free counseling services in the form of drug rehab, marital counseling, and many more, and I am sure they have a program for people who have anger issues. You also have anonymous groups at your disposal as well. If I were you I would start researching this as soon as possible and take advantage of it. I know revenge sounds good, but they win if you do something terrible. Then you will never have peace because they only brought you down more. So be STRONG. Step Up from this mess, and start moving forward. I only hope you haven't done anything foolish to ruin your life as of yet. There is hope for you out there and someone who WILL love you more than just physically using you. You didn't have to find these people, they found you. I know how that goes because I have obviously been there. Do the research and let me know what you find, and try these things ASAP and let me know how you feel. You can get past this trust me. I am glad you at least turned somewhere because some may not see it, but I recognize a cry for help and honey, it may not necessarily be the right place, but there are many competent people on this forum who can give you the advice you need, not just what you want to hear.

Let me know what is going on.

Thanks...hopefully these suggestions will eventually help.

[UnderTheMoon]

Thanks...hopefully these suggestions will eventually help.

If you want them to work, then they will. Like I said, look up free counseling for your area and get in as soon as possible. There is always a way, if there is a will. If you need to vent verbally, write it down, I do that sometimes and then destroy the contents. It is a way of releasing some frustration as well.

[michelle23]

Go to hell, Michelle.

It was a joke. I edited it.. but based on the media driven country and how there is huge pressure on the whole nation to get laid-she may have better luck in a society where it is not drilled into our heads all day every day that sex is the one and only important thing in the whole world..

[UnderTheMoon]

It was a joke. I edited it.. but based on the media driven country and how there is huge pressure on the whole nation to get laid-she may have better luck in a society where it is not drilled into our heads all day every day that sex is the one and only important thing in the whole world..

I can agree with that. I HATE the media over here, the Barbie doll anorexic's screwing with all these poor little girls self image. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes but god forbid people come to realize that and be happy.

Sex is a joke as well, it's use or be used it seems like, and look wtf it is doing to our society. Teenage girls getting knocked up, catching deadly sexually transmitted disease and the more impoverished an area is, the worse these kind of problems are.

*SIGH* Frustrating.

[michelle23]

Its bad everywhere. Every country has been affected by the media over the years but America just comes across as worse to me. Everyone afraid of commitment etc, everyone having FWB. Im not saying it doesnt happen here but here it is considered a minority while it comes across as almost normal in America..

[InternalBleed]

I'm just curious...how can you tell if you're interacting with a bad kind of person?

If someone is very obviously a douchebag, with sagging pants and vulgar language, then I can definitely tell. And I avoid those kinds of people.

But when they're dressed normally and speaking normally...how can you know? I find it hard to trust anyone because I can't read their thoughts, how am I supposed to know how they really are?


And if it is me, by picking the wrong men or giving off the wrong vibe or whatever it is, then that's just all the more reason to quit. I don't pick obvious douchebags or dress in an obviously sexual manner (I wear blue jeans and tee shirts)...so rather than something obvious, it must be something more subtle that I'm not aware of.


And about the media...I find its rosy portrayal of love to be even more dangerous than the sexual focus of everything. At least when they're obsessing over sex, they're being somewhat honest. But the way they portray love seems like a lie in the form of a cruel joke or something. At one point, I thought that kind of love between people was real, and that's what I was trying to find. Maybe it is real, but I think it's very rare. If I hadn't believed that it could be real...I would have never gone looking for it in the first place. And this would have never happened. I feel like I've wasted a huge chunk of my life in search of a fictional treasure.

At least when they advertise sex, they're showing you something that you have a chance in hell of finding. If you don't find it, the worst that happens is sexual frustration. And they have ways of alleviating that (sex toys, prostitutes, or whatever you want to use). But if you don't find love, or if you get crushed by it...that's a much harder problem to fix. So it's more dangerous that they portray love in that way.

Love that comes from family members and even friends seems strong, but love between men and women...it seems very weak. People divorce and leave each other like it's nothing. I wish someone had just been real with me, sat me down, and told me: "Love does not exist. You're chasing a myth. Stop now."

[HeartIsAching]

That's what you need the therapy for.

[LifeInflux]

First of all, I'm going to ask, why do you think these men are just after sex? You mentioned how you feel in these situations, but you didn't really get into how these specific men treated you. As non-douchey as you say these guys were (seemingly or otherwise) it helps to know the nature of the relationship.


It seems highly likely that your anger is probably coming from a place deeper than what these guys have done to you. Resorting to violence when not exposed to violence is not healthy and assistance from an actual therapist should be considered.


The only way you're going to change that anger is by changing the way you think. Learning the nature of the men from your past relationships will aid you in finding a healthy new relationship, but before you even consider that, you have to take care of yourself first and curb the anger.


As for US culture.... the US is an entertainment culture, and sex and violence sell more than any other type of entertainment. If movies and shows about birds and the life of blackbears sold nearly as well as desparate housewives to the masses then perhaps we'd be better off for it. But the reality is American sexual culture permeates throughout the world where these shows and films are watched, which is extremely widespread, especially in europe.


With that in mind, grouping men together as a stereotype or statistic is about as stupid as a pocket on a shirt. To say that european men are one way and american men are another is setting those that actually believe that up for disappointment.

A man can be honest, attractive, ambitious, caring, strong, thoughtful, smart and successful regardless of his country of origin. It's all a matter of being wise enough to spot those men from the others.