Dating 1 month, she wants to visit exbf. How to handle this?

[ImOnOne]

Hi all,

I'll try to be brief but also lay out all the details since I need some rational outside perspective. I am early 30's male about a year divorced with 2 kids. I have dated pretty casually over the last year or so just trying to figure things out and get my feet wet. In other words nothing serious. About a month ago I met a woman somewhat by accident but was taken aback by her smile and how sweet she was. We exchanged numbers and a couple days later was on our first date. The first date was the best first date I've ever had. We had a blast at this beach side restaurant, learned how much we had in common and we were planning our within a couple hours for later that week. Here we are a month later and we see each other 3-4 times a week. I have so much genuine fun with her just talking and laughing, watching movies etc. She also is a teacher and loves kids(has not met my kids obv). She has every quality that I look for in a woman so far that I can tell. From the very beginning we decided we would take things very slow since she had come out of a relationship and she was still somewhat confused about her feelings.(she had dated other since this so, I wasn't the first after)

Recently, I asked her at what point are we considered "exclusive" or how do we decide this. She thanked me for bringing it up and said that she has "very real, deep feelings" for me but her exbf has been trying to get back in her life. He lives across the country and she said she was thinking about going to visit to try to figure out her feelings. Like as far as moving forward into something more serious with me or trying to fix things with him. She said it's not fair to me to get serious when she has these lingering feelings. I told her that I agree and I really appreciated her honesty.(she could have visited him and never told me).

At the same time I acted like I was cool with it, inside I was crushed. I felt like we have this insane connection and she is still always wanting to spend time with me. I genuinely think she is confused and trying to figure things out and I want her to. Also, I am keeping in mind that it has only been a month and I could be simply getting attached too fast. I feel like I am heading down the road of falling in love with her so the prospect of being hurt is frightening.

I have continued to see her and we still have an amazing time every time I see her. I'm trying to take the high road but she leaves next Tuesday and it is really starting to mess with me privately. She says I make her "so happy" but I can't understand why that's not good enough. How do I proceed in this so that we may still have a chance and so I don't end up hurt.

[namemyname]

I'm really sorry. I can tell you're hurting, and this sucks. And...so will my comment.

You are her option. Her back burner guy. Her rebound.

She is off to see her ex.

There is nothing more for you to know at this point, really.

Personally, I wouldn't have seen her after the point she said she still had feelings for another guy, and was off to see him.

Just know if she comes back to you, it will be because things didn't work out with him. Not because you "won".

I'm really sorry. You sound sweet, and deserve a LOT better.

[HeartIsAching]

Dating 1 month, she wants to visit exbf. How to handle this?

By breaking up with her and never looking back.

[basilandthyme]

I worry that even if she visits him and comes back to you, she may still hold lingering feelings for him. Sadly for you, she has no business dating you at present.

[ImOnOne]

I thought about those things exactly and wanted to do that but.....I just can't seem to give up on her. I'm trying to look at the big picture and if I was in her shoes. I would want the other person to have no doubt before moving forward. I get that I may have pushed her away a little by asking to be exclusive.

[ImOnOne]

I worry that even if she visits him and comes back to you, she may still hold lingering feelings for him. Sadly for you, she has no business dating you at present.

That's a worry of mine too. And I wonder how he would feel if he knew she was seeing me up until the day she leaves. And yes we have a rather intense physical/romantic side to our relationship.

[JoeyFromFriends]

you have to elbow this cow. even if she comes back you will be stirring anothr mans poridge. console yourself with the fact that she will be fat ina few years it happans to them all

[namemyname]

Man up, cowboy!

Now you're talking like a doormat.

If she comes back to you, just know it will be short-term until she finds someone else she wants to be with. You need to see this isn't about choosing between her ex and you. It's about the fact that she knows you're not the one she wants long-term.

[ImOnOne]

Man up, cowboy!

Now you're talking like a doormat.

If she comes back to you, just know it will be short-term until she finds someone else she wants to be with. You need to see this isn't about choosing between her ex and you. It's about the fact that she knows you're not the one she wants long-term.

I hear you and can appreciate that advice. But she asked me recently to meet some family members and has said other things that lead me on to think she wants something long term. Do I give her any credit for telling me and giving me the option to walk away? I really would have no way of knowing, and her honesty, however hurtful to me was refreshing in a strange way.

[namemyname]

Dude, she's off to go screw another guy. Another guy will have his cock in her snatch. And in her mouth. And, be spooning her to sleep.

Are your plums on holiday???

[Millie]

It sounds to me like she's been honest with you about things, I don't think she's done anything wrong to be honest, other than perhaps that she should have initiated that conversation herself and not waited for you to do so. I get that it hurts you, that you want her to be totally into you and for the ex to be consigned to the past, but it sounds like she won't even know how she feels herself until she sees him, and I don't think it's unreasonable that she should go and meet him and figure that out - it's not like she's demanding you wait in the wings, that's a choice you're making for yourself. There's every chance that when she sees him she will remember why it was they broke up in the first place, or that she just won't feel the same way and seeing him will be 'closure' and make her feel more ready to move forward with you. Equally it's possible that she'll reconnect with him and that sucks for you but if that's what happens then better that you know that now at this early-ish stage than months down the road when you're even more emotionally invested.

[namemyname]

or that she just won't feel the same way and seeing him will be 'closure' and make her feel more ready to move forward with you.

See, I don't see that happening.

Sure, she could come back to the OP, but only by default.

If she thought the OP was long-term material, she wouldn't need to go see the ex. She'd realize she'd met a prince, and be done with the past.

[JoeyFromFriends]

i refuse to read that ****ing stupid pink writing

[Millie]

See, I don't see that happening.

Sure, she could come back to the OP, but only by default.

If she thought the OP was long-term material, she wouldn't need to go see the ex. She'd realize she'd met a prince, and be done with the past.

Yes you could be right, she could well go back to the OP by default, but isn't it equally possible that she might see the ex and realise how much better off she is with what she has now? It's hard to tell because we don't know why she and the ex broke up, but maybe she's confusing a need for some sense of closure with residual feelings for this guy. I don't think even she knows for sure at this point. I just don't think that her wanting to see the ex automatically means bad things, but I guess we'll find out in due course and if you end up telling me 'I told you so' I'll just have to suck it up lol

i refuse to read that ****ing stupid pink writing

And not a flying f**k will be given, internet wide.

[namemyname]

[QUOTE=Millie;918277]Yes you could be right, she could well go back to the OP by default, but isn't it equally possible that she might see the ex and realise how much better off she is with what she has now? It's hard to tell because we don't know why she and the ex broke up, but maybe she's confusing a need for some sense of closure with residual feelings for this guy. I don't think even she knows for sure at this point. I just don't think that her wanting to see the ex automatically means bad things, but I guess we'll find out in due course and if you end up telling me 'I told you so' I'll just have to suck it up lol


I don't think so, TBH. If she's been dating the OP for a month, 3-4 times a week, and he feels they have an "insane connection", for her to need to jet to see the ex shows she doesn't share his feelings.

If I was dating someone I was crazy about, and he said he was off to go spend time with the ex to figure things out, I'd be done, as it would show me I clearly hadn't shaken his tree, and his feelings for the ex were stronger.

Not to mention I would NOT be able to sleep with someone who was fresh off banging another girl while I sat at home waiting for him to pick me. It's pathetic.