Friendship or love??

[young_student]

Hi everybody,

I just wanted to ask you some advice about what is happening now.

On september I moved from my town to another country to study. The first week there I met a girl, actually she sat next to me and started talking. It basically continued happening the same day after day for a while. An academic year has passed and we are great friends. We usually go to the same classes and have lunch together, with mutual friends or alone.

In my country I'm still engaged with a girl: we have been together for 4 years. During the past year we have met regularly, even though not so often due to the distance.
She also is engaged with a guy, and they have been together for about 1 year.


In the last month or so she started being closer and closer to me. We pass a lot of time together. We spend hours chatting.

Last week, for some reasons, we had the opportunity to go out for dinner and we remained together until midnight, walking around.
Then, after some days, she said she must tell me something important, but I have no idea about what.

Do you think she's interested in me or is it only friendship?? If so, what should I do, considered that we are both engaged??

Thank you, and sorry for the bad English, but it's not my mother tongue.

[smackie9]

IMO You need to stop what you are doing, stop your feelings for her and stop hanging out with her.

*A relationship won't work, and you would be throwing away a 4 year relationship over a simple infatuation with another girl. You both are from different countries so when you finish school you both will be going your separate ways. Never expect her to follow you, she will not leave her family behind just to be with you.

Tell her no.

[young_student]

I have no idea about what I would say. But, now, the only thing I would like to know is whether she really likes me or not. I really cannot understand here; sometimes it seems she's in love, sometimes only a good friend.
It would be nice to find a way to make her express her feelings

[searock]

Why do you want to know whether a person that is NOT your girlfriend (fiancee) is romantically interested in you? If you think that she might be, you should distance yourself from her asap.

[young_student]

Why should I?

[young_student]

Independently from moral advices about my relationship in my home country and hers, what I really would like to know is whether there is a way to push her to reveal her feelings or to obtain some certainties about her.

[smackie9]

And we are asking what would be the point of this? so you can throw a hump into her?

[smackie9]

Or are you looking for an excuse to get out of your relationship with your GF for someone hotter?

[young_student]

It's not about hotness or having sex, here. From that point of view I think my GF and the girl are quite similar.
It's mainly about feelings. I don't know, when I am with this girl I feel good, like I felt when I started meeting my GF.I also feel good when I meet my GF after a while, but everything is softened by the time. I also know for sure that the girl feels good, too. But how much??
How can I distinguish between friendship and something more? For me, it would be important knowing at least what she feels.

By the way, we are from different countries, but they are very close; something like 200 miles.

[searock]

I don't know, when I am with this girl I feel good, like I felt when I started meeting my GF.I also feel good when I meet my GF after a while, but everything is softened by the time.

What you are describing is called "infatuation". It never lasts, so even if you were to start dating this new girl, after a while the same exact thing would happen: everything would be "softened" in time. It's normal. If you keep chasing after infatuation (the "butterflies in your stomach" feelings), you will never get to the stage of actual true love.

I think you should break up with your long term girlfriend regardless of whether the other girl has feelings for you or not. It is clear that you aren't in love with her anymore (if you ever have been).

[young_student]

I think you should break up with your long term girlfriend regardless of whether the other girl has feelings for you or not. It is clear that you aren't in love with her anymore (if you ever have been).

I would not be so drastic. I steel have strong feelings for her, especially when we are together. i think it's also a problem of distances.

What you are describing is called "infatuation". It never lasts, so even if you were to start dating this new girl, after a while the same exact thing would happen: everything would be "softened" in time. It's normal. If you keep chasing after infatuation (the "butterflies in your stomach" feelings), you will never get to the stage of actual true love.

It could well be that it's a situation of infatuation, but why shouldn't I try to discover whether she feels the same or not?

[kimhotcake]

Make a decision already. You cannot be staying out with a girl until midnight and wondering if she likes you, when you are dating another girl. That is really slimy behaviour, and you will end up with no girlfriend at all. It's time to step up and be a man. You have two options. Be with one girl. Or be with the other. It sounds like you're biding your time and waiting for the girl to make the decision for you. But only YOU are in charge of your life.

[searock]

I would not be so drastic. I steel have strong feelings for her, especially when we are together. i think it's also a problem of distances.

Unless you are going to move back in her town soon (like, in a month), then yes, distance is a big problem and it's part of the reason you should break up with her. She is no longer the sole focus of your feelings and affections, therefore you should break up with her.

It could well be that it's a situation of infatuation, but why shouldn't I try to discover whether she feels the same or not?

Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldn't even care what other girls feel for you. The fact that you do care means that it's time to break up with your girlfriend.

I understand that you're one of those guys that's just too afraid to be "alone", and you want to be sure to have a back up plan if/when you do break up with your girlfriend. This is wrong: you need to grow up and man up. You don't need a girlfriend, you can be fine on your own. Right now, you are just kidding yourself and your girlfriend, and it's not fair to either of you (especially her, cause she doesn't even have a choice).

Break up with your girlfriend, THEN you can ask this girl directly whether she has feelings for you or not.

[smackie9]

You are stepping into the realm of emotional affairs. It feels good, it's exciting and intense. It also messes with your logical thoughts and you start to lose all sense of moral choice. What you have been doing is cheating. You don't have to be physical with each other to be cheating. What you are doing is wrong, and you need to step away and see how wrong this is. You can try to talk us in circles, trying to justify your need to know how to find out how this girl feels....we say you better f uckin shut it down before you get yourself into some real trouble.

Before you know it, its going to become more than just emotional.

[young_student]

Ok, and suppose I'm not interested any more in my GF and I just want to know whether the other girl likes me or not. What should I do?