Exes Staying Friends

[Ariel]

In the world of television this is fairly common but is it possible in reality?

My ex wants to remain friends and meet up soon to catch up - he's finally decided he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me anymore. The basis of our entire relationship was indeed friendship so I can understand but is this sensible? Yes, it can hinder us from attempting to move on yet it can also salvage something from the time we spent together. It could be incredibly selfish on his part or to help alleviate the guilt. Do I wish we were more than just friends? Sure. But there's nothing I can do about his decision. Do I still want him in my life? Sure. Even if it's as a friend and nothing more. This is probably not really all that healthy, and potentially detrimental. And yes, of course secretly a part of me is hoping it's a door, a path, a possibility that sometime, someday in the future things could be different. Has it ever been for you? Am I being naive by being hopeful? The smart thing would be to cut him out of my life but does being friends mean I'm opening an avenue? Is it a win-win situation because I genuinely miss him as a friend in my life? Or am I the only one losing here? He has been going back and forth in his mind for like three weeks now so he must have made this decision with extreme clarity. Will seeing me push him back into confusion because I know his feelings for me have not vanished just yet.

I have a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her many years ago, it was too intense and he wanted to see other people, for them both too - they remained friends for a year or so but couldn't help getting physical here and there. Feelings were still running high, there was a lot of pain and hurt, mixed emotions - at the time I was confused as to why she would put herself through all that suffering. She desperately wanted him back and hoped he would change is mind. He did after that year or so, they got back together, got married, and have been happily married for nine years now. So rarely it does pan out with a happy ending. Not saying it will for me. Just saying, that's all.

[Wakeup]

You've given many good reasons why taking your ex back in the demoted state of "just friend" is not a very good idea. Yet, your fear of him not being in your life is enough for you to ignore all those good reasons and go ahead and throw caution to the wind. if you're looking for permission to remain in his life in the demoted state of "just friend" then you'll not get it from me.

I've read far too many threads from people who have started a new relationship with someone who has kept a past lover in their life as their 'best friend' that has ended up being nothing but a lot of jealousy and resentment.

You are doing yourself an injustice by being afraid to let him go. Your residual feelings won't just flatline and thus you will stagnate yourself from finding the right man that you will easily give up your fear of not having him in your life for.

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it but my advice is to keep him out of your life. Pretend he died if you have to.

[Ariel]

Thank you for your reply. I completely understand and appreciate your response.

I am not desperately pining after him - I have let him go, I am dating again, I'm moving on. I don't fear not having him in my life, I kinda would like it if he were there though. Our relationship started off on a friendship note, I never had intentions to date him, he wasn't my type physically but I loved spending time with him - I loved his personality. And whilst yes, I'm open to rekindling things, I am also okay with just being friends. I know we will not be best of friends, we will probably lose contact eventually, especially when I start dating - am thinking that I should give it a go like once to see if it's awkward or natural. We always did make better friends than lovers, and I have sometimes regretted taking that next step and wished that we had just remained friends all along. Sorry, I know I'm contradicting myself but it is difficult to explain how I'm feeling!

[Wakeup]

And whilst yes, I'm open to rekindling things, I am also okay with just being friends.

that is now. As what happened before, it is very highly likely that your time with him will begin to bond you to him romantically once again.

We always did make better friends than lovers,

No new lover will likely be 100% believing of that. You, yourself wouldn't believe it nor will it make a difference in their resentment of your friendship. If you're just keeping him in your life to occassionally say hello to and not hang out with, do date like things with then that's pretty much what you've got with him right now... a cordial chat relationship where dating (but calling it hanging out) isn't in play.

I hope SeaRock... another poster who is an expert on past lovers becoming friends and past friends becoming lovers joins this thread.

In the meantime, I've given you my opinion based on what I've read in so many posts that in virtue of it being the norm, there has to be some good truth to it. Up to you what you do.

[Rowen]

It's possible, but it's rare.

Let me ask you this, OP. If you're playing with your puppy and then a big truck runs it over in front of you, are you going to be best friends with the driver? I'm going to guess not. There's a lot of hurt feelings in breakups, and people need time to heal. Sometimes, they can move past it and still feel comfortable with that person in their lives, but a lot of times? No, that's not the case... The damage is done and by the time they heal they've moved on to the point they kind of just let go of that person. The only time it really works is when their friendship can overpower the remnants of the relationship.

[smackie9]

The only reason why I stayed friends with an ex was because I was friends with his friends and I liked hanging out with them. I split up with him because I didn't feel my feelings were progressing and he was kinda of a rebound. We only dated for a few months so there wasn't much time invested....everyone else I never had a need to keep them in my life.

[texastravis]

IMO, I think being friends is a good thing... Hell you spent a better part of your life with the guy, he is your friend. I dont know how people go from a person being the center of their life to not speaking to them. I do advise that you get over him FIRST. Sounds like your not over him... Go no contact with him for a couple months, date, and focus on getting over him. Doing this is also the BEST chance at getting him back if thats a goal as well. Do be rude and ignore him but dont try to be buddy buddy with him right now. After a couple months pass and your over him, sure be his friend.

[michelle23]

I think staying friends will just give you false hope and prevent you from moving on. I think its all or nothing and id never settle for something in between. I also wouldnt be his booty call if he rings you drunk at 4am. That is disrespectful to you. Your not some cheap piece of meat. You were his gf and i think if a guy can treat you like that then he has no respect for you or himself.. I think your friend was a twat to marry that guy and i dont think its wise to follow in her footsteps but then again im an unforgiving person and men only get one chance with me..

[IndiReloaded]

Define 'friends'. Then explain what you both get out of being friends.

I've never been able to stay friends with an ex. Friendly, even cordial, sure. But not what I would call a 'friend'. Which is someone I would choose to associate with on a regular basis in my free time and possibly someone I would call at 2am if a water pipe burst.

Male-female friendships almost always have a sexual/romantic undertone to the relationship. At least in my experience. If you are cool with that, then I guess you can be friends. But I think that kind of vibe is 1) disrespectful to my current partner, 2) prevents the ex from moving on to find their own partner.

I think it also matters if you are the dumper or the dumpee. I think its easier (but not necessarily nicer) for the dumper to stay friends. They don't tend to have that lingering emotional investment. Dumpees really need that no contact time, IMO.

[browncoat]

I believe men and women can be just be friends. Only a "connection" between the two can complicate things. Take time off to get over him and meet someone new. Once you have somebody to fill the void in your heart, then it will be easier for you to call him a friend without all the complications. As long as he sees it that way

[michelle23]

theres a fine line to male-female friendships. you wouldnt invite them over to have a pj party and pizza at 10ppm like with gfs, nor would you wana ring them everyday and talk for an hour or text them every night or meet them one on one for dinner or drinks or cry on their shoulder when you get dumped or stand half naked with them trying on ten different outfits.

if you do any of the above. your not "friends, your dating.

i think you can hav males in your life that you are friendly with but not friends. its always complicated and one of you will always want more

[Ariel]

I have never before maintained friendship after a former romantic relationship came to cease - yes, I have remained civil, and perhaps we still spoke a little here and there, met up once or twice but that was possibly because the other party was more interested in rekindling things and I had moved on by then. This situation is slightly different because with my previous relationships there was an initial, physical attraction that brought us together, they were relationships where we were lovers first and foremost - here the case is almost reversed, the basis of our interaction was always friendship - he pursued me with more than friendship in mind but was happy if that was all I could offer. I was unsure, he wasn't my type, I wasn't really physically attracted to him but emotionally yes. It was a meeting of minds and eventually I relented after much deliberation. I had many doubts of course but he grew on me.

It wasn't all that much a physical relationship either - he's a sweet, soft and sensitive guy with a deep sense of morality, and many anxiety and intimacy issues - at almost thirty-seven I am the only female he has been involved with in any romantic sense. So when he would like us to be friends, he truly does - there is no ulterior motive - no sexual intentions. He has confided in me and felt comfortable with me like no other. We both miss the emotional connection. And yes, it's dangerous because we both still have feelings for each other but I'm very resilient so I'm not all that worried about me. It's been a month since we broke up and I'm already dating. I am not pining after him but I do miss his presence. I do not need him in my life but I would like him to be in my life. I am not about to become attached just because we meet up once in a while but is it so wrong to be open to the possibility that there is something still there? I am not expecting anything - I tend to have a very "not fussed either way" attitude. I don't intend to become best friends with him. We work at the same place and there are so many social events lined up so I'm bound to bump into him soon anyway.

And yes, I agree - men and women struggle to remain friends because one person is always more invested. I have many male friends who have wanted to date me and it's awkward because my friends are simply friends to me, nothing more, nothing less. I would be breaking this friendship mantra though if I do decide to continue along this friendship path with my ex. Have never liked a friend more than a friend before so I don't know the repercussions involved. Just know that I'm not jumping into anything yet.

[Wakeup]

Well, I warn boyzzz to stay away from women like you who are already dating and wanting to keep a "deep emotional connection" to their friend of the opposite sex.

How about you do the grown up thing and just leave this boy alone so that he can get to the stage of indifference to you so that he'll be open enough to find someone who he will be feeling safe enough to get over his deep anxiety and intimacy issues with? You keep in his life and you'll be enabling him to be the issued guy that he is.

When you know a guy wants more then to be just your friend, do you not feel selfish keeping him as your emotional tampon? Don't you feel guilty that he's hanging off of you hoping you'll change your mind? Wouldn't you want to do the magnanomous thing and distance yourself from him(them?) so that they can get over you and be emotionally open to finding someone who DOES want them sexually and romantically involved? Serious questions.

[Ariel]

You have misunderstood my entire post.

[Wakeup]

Oh, sorry. Can you explain how I've misunderstood?