So here's the story. It's going to be long, but that's just because I think it'll be good for me to write the whole thing!
I have had the same best guy friend for four years now. We met in Spanish class our freshman year of high school. We've never had a thing or anything like that; we're just extremely close. We text everyday and talk on the phone for hours every night, and that's how it's been for years now. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. In the four years we've been friends neither of us have been in a relationship with anybody else. I've had a crush on him for the majority of our friendship, but never had the courage to do anything about it. I was pretty sure that he had feelings for me too! We did things like hold hands, cuddle during movies and gave kisses on the forehead and cheeks. We would star gaze in the back of his truck and just cuddle and talk for hours, that was our thing. All of our friends always joked that we should date and he would always say something like "she wishes.." then we'd both just laugh it off.
Then last August I moved halfway across the country for my freshman year of college, and he stayed home for school. We actually got closer than ever! That's when I really started to realize how much I liked him and needed him in my life. I missed being able to see him everyday and I missed him holding me and making me laugh. I just missed everything about him! I went home for Christmas and I was convinced that he had feelings for me. He kept calling me beautiful and saying things like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. When I went back to school his texts (and mine) got more flirtatious. He would start conversations by saying "Hey Babe! " and other things along those lines. Our phone calls got longer and our conversations got even deeper!
I decided to take summer classes and not go home for the whole summer. I only went home for about a week last month. I spent practically every second with my best friend and we were both so happy together. All of our mutual friends told me that he'd never seemed happier and that he's like a whole new person when I'm around. When we said our goodbye's we both cried, I honestly thought about just staying home and dropping my summer classes because I was so happy with him. Then things got REALLY complicated...
About a week after I got back I got a call from him in the early evening, which was a little out of character for him. I answered and he asked if I was somewhere where I could talk. I told him yes and then I realized he was crying. He proceeded to tell me that his older brother (who is super close to him) was in an accident at work and he died. I was completely shocked and I just started balling. The last couple of weeks he's been calling me 2-3 times a day and just talking and crying with me. He's vulnerability and trust in me just made my feelings grow so much stronger. He keeps telling me things like "I'm so lucky to have you in my life" "I love you more than anyone in the world" "I miss you beyond belief" and the list goes on...
A couple days ago I literally started to feel sick, because I liked him so much. I was so convinced that he liked me back and he was holding his feelings in too... So I decided to tell him how I felt.
I called him and just said "I have feelings for you and I have for a while now." Then there was this long awkward silence and he finally said "I can't handle this right now. You're the best friend I've ever had and it should just stay that way. I don't have those feelings for you at all and I honestly never have." It was like somebody punched me in the gut and ripped my heart out. I couldn't even talk. I felt like he'd been leading me on for four years!! He told me he had to go and he hung up. We haven't talked in four days now, which is just bizarre to me.
Did I lose my best friend? Should I call him? Should I just cut him out of my life? My biggest fear is if I continue to talk to him my feelings aren't going to go away, and suppressing them is just going to make me miserable. I also feel like a horrible person because I complicated things when he needed me to be here for him. What do i do?