Woken up from a coma. What now?

[latebloomer]

Hi there. This is my first thread. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Do you remember Lester Burnham, from the film American Beauty? When he suddenly realises he's been leading a fake, empty life, he says: "I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years".

Well, that's exactly how I feel.
Let me get to the point, right after a short introduction.

As my nickname says, being 28 I'm some sort of a latebloomer. For many reasons, specially for self-esteem issues, I remained a virgin until a quite advanced age. Also, since I was raised a catholic, I carried on my shoulders certain preconceptions about sex; for instance, that one should have intercourse not neccesarily and exclusively inside marriage, but at least during a steady, serious, formal and official relationship.

So... I only had a few (very few) girlfriends in the past. Long term girlfriends. In fact, almost every girl I dated, I dated them bearing in mind that they should be meant to make nothing but a serious couple. And no less. Obviously, that's not the best approach anyone can think of.

The thing is... I had this girlfriend last year. We broke up in October. It was a very painful experience. Not that I was in love with her (I'll explain it further), but she had those manipulative, psychopathic ways... She even cheated on me, whlist she blamed me for being the actual cheater (something I never was) and also made me chose between her or my friends. Sick and twisted, yeah.

That's when I realised that I hit rock bottom.

If only sex had been good, but no, not even that. She was a hardcore vegan straight edge, with lots of prejudices and moral pickiness towards sex, which she based on her principles and her strange ideology.

Honestly, it was not my first experience in a relationship when things were not only so messed up, but its sexual aspect didn't even make it up for all the rest. Emotional frustration and sexual frustration is an awful mix.

After the break-up, I started -for the very first time in my whole life- to visit escorts. Not street hookers, not club strippers. I mean: call girls. (Sorry for my English, for it's not my native language and it takes me a lot of effort to express myself neat and clear).

The first couple of experience were no big deal. And yet, they were far better than any other girl I've been officially with.

But then, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin and really enjoyed what I was doing. That's the moment when I woke up from the coma. I was with this escort, and she was so nice and tender and caring, and sex was so great, my orgasms were so intense that I couldn't help it but think: "This is IT!".

Of course, I won't fool myself. I now it's their job and one is paying for a service. But it was some sort of wake-up call for me. I mean... It was nothing like in porn movies (in fact, it was nothing from the other world) and still it kept me thinking: there should be a way to find this same thing without paying for it. There should be a way to date someone out of fun, mutual pleasure and without making plans for the future.

The escorts I was with didn't look like top models. They were just girls I found attractive. Which made sex way more enjoyable. And that was not the case of the girls I dated or even been in a relationship with.

I don't mean to be rude. Just honest. Either way, it's me and only myself who I've been disrespecting all the while. I came to realise that, until now, I've only been dating girls who were below my leage. Their looks, their habits, their personal history, their ways, their sense of humour, their intelligence, their mental health and so on: all the very opposite of what I really like in a woman.

Of course, it's easier not to fall in love with someone who's not your match. And it's easier not to suffer if you break up. But also it's easier not to get turned on by them, not to enjoy sex, not to feel fulfiled.

Looking back, I remembered all the girls I knew since my early teen years. Here's the conclusion I drawn. It's quite sad and pathetic:

I never asked out the girls I really liked. I didn't even try to make explicit my intentions. One half of them never knew I liked them, and -the other way round- I never knew if they liked me. The other half of girls I liked, didn't knew either that I liked... but they did liked me back. And I ran away. I avoided them. I didn't have the balls to make my move.

Instead, all the girls I asked out were the girls I didn't find attractive. In most cases, I was already aware that they liked me, so there was not even the risk of being dumped, the adrenaline of the uncertain, if you will.

Well, the current panorama is a very different now, since now I know what I like, what I want and what I do not like and do not want. The only problem is how to start. I just can't figure out the way of asking what I need. I don't want a serious relationship right now; what I deeply want is to recover lost time as much as I am able. I want to have fun and explore my sexuality and take my time to find my significant other spontaneusly, without forcing it, without hurrying love.

I like visiting escorts every now and then, but I don't want to depend on them. I want to date someone I really like, someone with whom we have "chemistry" in bed and so on... But, again, I have no clue about how you do that.

And one more thing... I'm scared that, if I date someone who I really like, I fall in love.

That's all.
Thanks for reading.
And thanks in advance for any input.
Your insight will be of great help.

[latebloomer]

I guess this one was too long to read, am I right? :/ Sorry...

[HeartIsAching]

Advice about what? You've grown up, albeit in an unconventional way. Congratulations.

Oh, I get it.

ASK the girls out you're attracted to - even if you think they're WAAAAAAY out of your league. The REALLY pretty girls don't get asked out very often, if at all, because most guys are intimidated.

Date. That's it - Date. Don't make a "relationship", just date. If you find something that warns you off, stop dating her. Eventually you'll find one that doesn't.

Live

Laugh

Enjoy.

[michelle23]

What are you afraid of? If you get hurt, you will pick yourself up and try again. Heartbreak, pain and rejection is a part of life but paying escorts for sex is low dude and you should try and figure out WHY you are doing that..

I am not religious and I too believe in sex in an exclusive relationship only. I wouldnt have casual sex or one night stands and I dont know why you thought that made you abnormal?

[latebloomer]

Advice about what? You've grown up, albeit in an unconventional way. Congratulations.

Oh, I get it.

ASK the girls out you're attracted to - even if you think they're WAAAAAAY out of your league. The REALLY pretty girls don't get asked out very often, if at all, because most guys are intimidated.

Date. That's it - Date. Don't make a "relationship", just date. If you find something that warns you off, stop dating her. Eventually you'll find one that doesn't.

Live

Laugh

Enjoy.

It seems like I'm one ear hair away from getting it right, but -for some reason- I still don't do completely.
Anyone who reads what I wrote would say I got everything figured out.
And yes, maybe I do. But only in theory. What should I do to take hands at work?

I know the answer: "Do it".
I just don't have any clue about where to begin.

What are you afraid of? If you get hurt, you will pick yourself up and try again. Heartbreak, pain and rejection is a part of life but paying escorts for sex is low dude and you should try and figure out WHY you are doing that..

I am not religious and I too believe in sex in an exclusive relationship only. I wouldnt have casual sex or one night stands and I dont know why you thought that made you abnormal?

I think that's a topic for another discussion.
I wouldn't say that visiting escorts is either "good" or "bad". I just did it. That's reality. I only mentioned it to provide some background.
Not that I dismiss your insight.

[HeartIsAching]

Stop being afraid. Charge in, Go for it.

The best looking woman you've ever seen? Probably never been asked out. Be the first.

Stop being a sissy.

[VincenzoG91]

I went through an escort phase, too. Be careful that you don't fall in love with one, unless you can deal with her job.

Since you have acquired a great deal of self-awareness about what you want and don't want, it's time to do a lot of dating. It would be cool if you live a real-life version of a rom-com story: randomly meet someone in a cute way, discover that you are soulmates, fall gloriously in love, overcome some obstacle together, and then live happily ever after. In reality, you need to plan on going on a lot of first dates until you find potential compatibility and chemistry with someone, then go on more dates to see if there are any major problems or dealbreakers. Don't rush into a relationship, just try to get to know them before your feelings cloud your vision. There used to be a stigma against online dating, but it's a very acceptable way to meet people now. The biggest mistake people tend to make with online dating is that they fail to stick to dating locally. Any decent online dating site will make it easy for you to confine your search to local women.

[latebloomer]

Stop being afraid. Charge in, Go for it.

The best looking woman you've ever seen? Probably never been asked out. Be the first.

Stop being a sissy.

It's funny. Just a year ago, I would take your words as offensive. Not to mention what would happen five or then years ago.
Here and now, I can only say you are right.
Thank you.

I went through an escort phase, too. Be careful that you don't fall in love with one, unless you can deal with her job.

Since you have acquired a great deal of self-awareness about what you want and don't want, it's time to do a lot of dating. It would be cool if you live a real-life version of a rom-com story: randomly meet someone in a cute way, discover that you are soulmates, fall gloriously in love, overcome some obstacle together, and then live happily ever after. In reality, you need to plan on going on a lot of first dates until you find potential compatibility and chemistry with someone, then go on more dates to see if there are any major problems or dealbreakers. Don't rush into a relationship, just try to get to know them before your feelings cloud your vision. There used to be a stigma against online dating, but it's a very acceptable way to meet people now. The biggest mistake people tend to make with online dating is that they fail to stick to dating locally. Any decent online dating site will make it easy for you to confine your search to local women.

Thank you too.

But still, do you think online dating is a good choice? I mean, every girl I met that way turned out to be not so right in the head.
I don't know whether it's my fault for unconciously aiming at *that* kind of girl, or it's just the girls in the net who are so messed up.

[VincenzoG91]

I recommend any online dating site that offers a way to determine compatibility, like Myers-Briggs or other personality tests.

[kimhotcake]

Do you have any friends who are girls? That might be a good place to start with relating to women with no pressure. Just because you've had this revelation doesn't mean your next relationship has to be perfection. Give yourself a break! In the meantime, I definitely suggest figuring out what porn you like and learning to pleasure yourself. No woman, no matter how hot, will fulfill all your sexual needs.

[latebloomer]

Do you have any friends who are girls? That might be a good place to start with relating to women with no pressure. Just because you've had this revelation doesn't mean your next relationship has to be perfection. Give yourself a break! In the meantime, I definitely suggest figuring out what porn you like and learning to pleasure yourself. No woman, no matter how hot, will fulfill all your sexual needs.

Hi.

Actually, most of my friends are women, albeit my closest/best friends are men. I know it will be sound contradictory, but I have some kind of unintended skills for approaching women. I get along so well with them, in a very laid back and relaxed way... Unless I focus in particulary one and make the conscious effort to be liked by them. That's when I get anxious to the extent of screwing things up, or even undermine my very own "weapons of seduction", so to say, and if such thing really exists. The more I'm aware I like a girl, the more bounded I feel to fail. There's some sort of relative success if I can make a girl get interested in me, as long as I don't like her that much. I'm speaking of "relative success" since, in those situations, a) I feel at my lowest ebb and b) in terms of retribution I know I'm getting the left-overs.

The fact that I somehow "attract" girls has always brought me troubles in one way or another.

My ex's, for instance, they always felt jealous about almost every girl who came across, whether I knew them or not. And there was no real reason for my ex's to feel jealous, because I never was unfaithful to any of them. I never cheated. Still, I had to tolerate of those lectures about "not flirting with every single girl who ran into me", for they *knew* (my ex's knew, I mean) that those girl lusted after me and I lusted after them too.

And, on the other hand, I have this so uncalled-for reputation of being a lady's man. I mean, it's not only my ex's who think that most of women around lust after me, but also those other women around themselves assume the same. Take my female friends, for example. If I'm talking with anyone of them and it happens to appear a third to pass by and say hello, right after this one leaves, the first one usualy makes an observation about how so many girls are interested in me. And it's the same the other way 'round in case I'm with that second girl and the first passes by and says hello.

Most of times, almost every girl I meet takes for granted (beforehand) that I'm in a relationship. No joke: they tend to get surprised when they learn I'm single, because "it's obvious that a guy like you is never alone / has no problem picking up girls / etc".

All of this has something paradoxically sad to it. And if there's any adventage I could take of this scenario, I still have no clue about how to make it work in my own favour.

And as for porn, lol, I'm a great connoisseur myself since my early teens.

[latebloomer]

Do you have any friends who are girls? That might be a good place to start with relating to women with no pressure. Just because you've had this revelation doesn't mean your next relationship has to be perfection. Give yourself a break! In the meantime, I definitely suggest figuring out what porn you like and learning to pleasure yourself. No woman, no matter how hot, will fulfill all your sexual needs.

Hi.

Actually, most of my friends are women, albeit my closest/best friends are men. I know it will be sound contradictory, but I have some kind of unintended skills for approaching women. I get along so well with them, in a very laid back and relaxed way... Unless I focus in particulary one and make the conscious effort to be liked by them. That's when I get anxious to the extent of screwing things up, or even undermine my very own "weapons of seduction", so to say, and if such thing really exists. The more I'm aware I like a girl, the more bounded I feel to fail. There's some sort of relative success if I can make a girl get interested in me, as long as I don't like her that much. I'm speaking of "relative success" since, in those situations, a) I feel at my lowest ebb and b) in terms of retribution I know I'm getting the left-overs.

The fact that I somehow "attract" girls has always brought me troubles in one way or another.

My ex's, for instance, they always felt jealous about almost every girl who came across, whether I knew them or not. And there was no real reason for my ex's to feel jealous, because I never was unfaithful to any of them. I never cheated. Still, I had to tolerate of those lectures about "not flirting with every single girl who ran into me", for they *knew* (my ex's knew, I mean) that those girl lusted after me and I lusted after them too.

And, on the other hand, I have this so uncalled-for reputation of being a lady's man. I mean, it's not only my ex's who think that most of women around lust after me, but also those other women around themselves assume the same. Take my female friends, for example. If I'm talking with anyone of them and it happens to appear a third to pass by and say hello, right after this one leaves, the first one usualy makes an observation about how so many girls are interested in me. And it's the same the other way 'round in case I'm with that second girl and the first passes by and says hello.

Most of times, almost every girl I meet takes for granted (beforehand) that I'm in a relationship. No joke: they tend to get surprised when they learn I'm single, because "it's obvious that a guy like you is never alone / has no problem picking up girls / etc".

All of this has something paradoxically sad to it. And if there's any adventage I could take of this scenario, I still have no clue about how to make it work in my own favour.

And as for porn, lol, I'm a great connoisseur myself since my early teens.