What to do when my wife starts a fight..

[osashes]

Hello everyone.

Let me start out by explaining that my wife and I are newlyweds. We are both young, but she is a bit younger than I am. (I am 22, she is 19). We also both come from very different backgrounds. I'm a small-town boy raised in more modest circumstances. She was raised in a big city, and her family was quite rich.

My problem is, my wife starts fights out of nearly nothing. For example, tonight we were talking about our family members, and she mentioned that she had no natural-born cousins. I asked her about her family and she told me that neither of her uncles had children. So I asked her how old her uncle was. She replied 60-something. So, I said, what's wrong with him? Thinking that maybe he was just angry or odd, or just never had a desire to be married. She then told me that her uncle is mentally handicapped. So I said "oh" and went about what I was doing. I didn't mean to be rude or hurtful with my question, nor was I trying to demean the mentally-challenged. About a minute later, she got extremely angry at me, saying that I was rude and that I hadn't apologized. I told her I was sorry, that I didn't know it had hurt her feelings and that I wasn't trying to be rude or hurtful. Of course, she said (like nearly always) "I don't believe that. You only said sorry because I told you to." So, immediately she shuts me out, and begins to completely ignore what I said. So, I try to explain to her that I wasn't trying to be rudie or mean, but she just says "I don't care." Then, I tell her sorry again and that the way she is acting is hurting me, and she says "Sucks to be you" (She says that alot). Then, a couple minutes later she tells me to leave, that she doesn't want to see my face. Of course, I get defensive and tell her I care and I'm sorry again, and I don't want to leave. Then she just keeps insisting, and the more and more I talk, she just tells me straight out that she is ignoring me and doesn't care what I say.

I understand that she's not at the same maturity level as I am. But what can I do? She blatantly doesn't care about my feelings, she's willing to give me the silent treatment and shut me out, and the only way I can ever fix things in a fight is if I go to her and apologize over and over, beg for forgiveness, and get chided and put down. I'm honestly a very nice guy. I care so much about her feelings and trying to make her happy, but she seems to have no problem saying completely hurtful things to me and making me feel like crap.

Is it just me being too soft? Is it just the fact that I am an idiot?

Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Wakeup]

It really does suck to be you. You married a shrew.

I could go on rhyming but that's even less helpful then the first line.

Anyway. You have to learn to not indulge her in her little pissing contests. She has a lot of growing up to do so i suggest that after you tell the princess that you're sorry that you don't answer her if it has anything else to do with that particular issue. PERIOD. She'll get over her snit soon enough once she realizes that Homey don't play that game.

Curious: How does a middle class country boy meet a rich city princess anyway? Where did you meet and why marry so young?

[osashes]

It really does suck to be you. You married a shrew.

I could go on rhyming but that's even less helpful then the first line.

Anyway. You have to learn to not indulge her in her little pissing contests. She has a lot of growing up to do so i suggest that after you tell the princess that you're sorry that you don't answer her if it has anything else to do with that particular issue. PERIOD. She'll get over her snit soon enough once she realizes that Homey don't play that game.

Curious: How does a middle class country boy meet a rich city princess anyway? Where did you meet and why marry so young?

That's hard to hear..

We actually met out in the city. I moved out there for about a year to take some college classes and we met at work. She was living there taking classes as well. We got married because we just felt it was right.

P.S. Now, an hour later I just went back in and asked her if we could talk and told her I was sorry I said something hurtful. She just said "I don't care. Leave. You come in here after an hour still spouting the same bullshit. Leave." I have no clue what I'm supposed to do..

[AbigailR]

I agree 100% with Wakeup. Say your peace and move on. Don't take the bait if she tries to drag you back into it. Don't enable her behavior.

[Wakeup]

P.S. Now, an hour later I just went back in and asked her if we could talk and told her I was sorry I said something hurtful. She just said "I don't care. Leave. You come in here after an hour still spouting the same bullshit. Leave." I have no clue what I'm supposed to do..

I think I told you what to do. You just have to do that.

Why on earth would you apologize to her AGAIN. You already did that. She should have aplogized to you for being a ****.
Listen to Abagail and stop enabling her bad behaviour by engaging in it with her.

[osashes]

I think I told you what to do. You just have to do that.

Why on earth would you apologize to her AGAIN. You already did that. She should have aplogized to you for being a ****.
Listen to Abagail and stop enabling her bad behaviour by engaging in it with her.

It's so hard. I guess I just expect a light to switch on in her head finally and for her to realize how shitty she's treating me, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm starting to be afraid it will never happen. I'll try to follow your advice, but I'm the kind of person that has no problem apologizing when I know I'm right, or doing something to make someone else feel better even if it makes me feel like shit. It's a weakness of character, I guess.

[4 ratties]

Marrying a teenager was your first mistake. Sucks to be you.

[basilandthyme]

Your wife's reaction was extreme. But I believe that your own comments were also out of order.

Your comment "what's wrong with him" was extremely rude. And then not apologising with at least "I'm sorry, I didn't realise" compounded the error. While I would not have carried on like your wife did, I certainly would have been appalled at your phrasing and line of questioning.

I'm thinking that both of you are lacking in maturity at this stage.

[TablesandChairs]

You married a kid and now you expect her to act like an adult. That's the issue.

She's a teenager. Where's her life experience? You know, the kind that helps us grow as people, learn from mistakes etc. She basically finished high school...then got married.

So, you will basically have to wait to see what sort of adult she turns into and make some allowances based on her age. Here's some parenting advice; don't indulge bad behavior in kids. Same applies to her - stop apologizing over and over. Say your piece and then move on. This way, she'll learn that if she plays up like the silly teen that she is, you won't be tolerating it.

[michelle23]

You got married way too young and I am not sure if this marriage will last. Just please don't make the mistake of her getting pregnant or else it will be even harder to leave if push comes to shove.

What she is doing is emotional abuse and humiliating. You need to stand up for yourself. Once is enough to say sorry and then if she is still having a hissy fit-you ignore her until she comes crawling to you and if she tells you to leave the room-you say "no this is my house too and I can go where I want".

Stop tiptoeing around her-grow a backbone and demand some resepect. She is behaving like a spoiled little brat and if you want your marriage to work, you need to do something to nip this in the bud now.

When she finally gets over her strop and comes crawling to you-you push her away and say "we need to talk" and then you tell her exactly how that makes you feel and you will not put up with this every time you have a minor disagreement. She may be a 19 year old teenager but she is married now and needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult.

You do need to say that to her-otherwise she will lose respect for you and start walking all over you

[VincenzoG91]

Think of this as a starter marriage. Learn as much as you can from the experience, but be prepared for the possibility that it isn't going to work out. In other words, don't think that having a kid will fix this marriage. Try to work out the serious issues before taking a big step like having a kid or even buying a house together.

[Wakeup]

No disprespect intended to anyone in particular but I disagree that Your comments were rude. I think people who are involved with people who have "special needs" are overly sensitive and expect everyone to be politically correct. You didn't even know the man had "special needs" as they call it these days so don't be taking on any more guilt then what your shrew of a wife is bestowing upon you. You aplogized once and that's enough. Particularily when she kept coming at you about it after you aplogized.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I don't know why you think it's sad. If he's not willing to leave her over this nonsense, then he should at least stop rewarding her.

Oh I totally agree with you Backup. What I find sad is the fact that she likely wouldn't understand a calm, rational discussion pointing out what a **** she is being. So.. sadly he'll have to hammer it into her (by verbally abusing her back) ..

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Fine. Agree to agree.

[basilandthyme]

*shrugs* Even if she did think it rude, she still handled it like the bitch she appears to be. That was only one example and the most recent. She's an immature contrary cow and he's yet to learn how to walk on HER eggshells is how most of us see it.

And I said as much in my reply to him. While I found what he said to be rude, I also think her response was OTT.